Not sure how I feel

[OmahaGuy]

OK, background first. My wife and I have been married for a little over 7 months now. We were engaged in Feb. of last year, and married in Oct. of last year. Before that, we dated for over 2 years, probably closer to 3. We've been struggling with things since our marriage, her being depressed (her father died about a year and a half ago, cancer, she was still dealing with it), lack of sex (if you don't count the 2 times on our honeymoon, we're talking maybe 5 or 6 times since our wedding), me being depressed (due to the relationship problems, and lack of sex, etc.)

 

She was going to counseling back in April to deal with her fathers death and all that, the counselor suggested she deal with that before we seek marriage counseling. It made sense to me, so just within that last week or so I'd been trying to set up an apointment for us for marriage counseling. But things haven't really been getting better with us, at times it felt more like I had a roomate than a wife. Last time we'd actually had sex was back in april I think.

 

Now, she's on her computer a LOT. We're both big into computers and gaming and such. She has a group of guys she talks to regularly, on teamspeak (which is a program that lets you talk through microphone to other people, kinda like a chat room with voice). She's always been more prone to be friends with guys instead of girls. I don't know why, but when I got home friday morning from work (I work 11pm-7am, in the military), I started to search her computer. I don't really know why or what possessed me to do this. I guess I was hoping to find some kinda webpage or history file that might give me some kind of ideas as to what she was thinking or whatever.

 

After a while, I was about ready to give up, and kinda feeling guilty. Than, again for some unexplicable reason, I decided to search in her recyle bin. I saw a few pictures in there, named picture1, picture2, etc. I thought that odd, since the other pictures I know of (like our wedding pictures on her computer, things like that) aren't named generically like that. I brought them out of the bin, and saw they were webcam ones. Mostly just her face and stuff, until I got to one....and I was shocked. Sorry if this is graphic....it was a picture of her "area" spread with her fingers. I immediately did a search for picture files on her computer, and turned up 2 more, of her with her shirt and bra up.

 

I sat there for a while. I didn't really want to call her at work to discuss this, so I called her cell and left a message to call me at lunch. Well, after a few more minutes I realized I couldn't wait, and called her at work. When I asked her, she said they were from long ago. What this refers to is when I found pictures on her computer before, 2 topless ones. She told me than that it was back last year, before we were married, and she was just sending them to a friend online to show him her "piercings" (she has her nipples done). At that time, I was a little upset, but forgave her and asked/told her to not do it again.

 

Well, after that I hung up, and went into the bedroom to sleep. I usually watch tv while going to sleep (helps me sleep faster), so I went to the "indemand" section. Basically, it's a channel you go to, and when you hit enter on your remote, it brings up a listing of movies you can watch. It's free for whatever premium channels you have, HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, etc. Well I was sure I'd started some movie the day before, so I went to "resume" which brings up any movies you've watched in the last 24 hours, and you can play them from there. I was shocked to see one of those Cinemax "softcore" porns on there. I called her again to ask about this....she said she'd clicked it accidentally, and turned it right off.

 

So I again hung up. Than I remembered that if you stop a movie you're in the middle of watching, when you select it from the resume menu, it'll let you resume it from where you stopped it at. I went and checked.......the movie was 50 mintues in......so AGAIN I called her at work, and she admitted to watching it, and.....well doing things with herself. She told me she just didn't want to say it to me, was embarassed or something. So I said ok. She sounded like she was getting a little irritated at this point, and told me to just go to bed, and shut off her computer. So I did, but couldn't stop thinking and having thoughts go through my head.

 

Than it occurred to me. I could see WHEN those picutres on her computer were made, because I was pretty sure they weren't the same ones (not counting the "lower area" one) I'd seen before, though she told me they were. The other time, those pictures were from like the fall of 2004 or something like that. I got on her computer and checked.......sure enough, creation dates were Jan 2006 for the 2 boob ones, and April 2006 (only a month ago!) for the other one. I called, yet again!, and confronted her. She tried to keep playing dumb with me, until I kept pushing and she finally broke down. She told me she was leaving work and coming right home. It takes her 30-40 minutes to get home from work.

 

She gets home, and basically tells me the whole story. Apparently, one of the guys she talked to online (she doesn't anymore) and her had a little "thing" going on. They'd send each other these pictures of themselves, to get each other off. Now I know that's not as bad as having sex with other people or anything...but I was still crushed. I think what hurt most is that, we had so little sex, yet this was going on (from what she told me) once a week or more for a couple months.

 

So, we talked for a while. She kept saying how horrible she felt, and how sorry she was. She said it ended a couple months back. Apparently (again what she's telling me), he stopped talking to her for a while, and that's when she took the third (lower area) picture to send him. She said she ended up not sending it after all though (kinda makes sense, that picture was in the recycle bin, the other 2 weren't). She also said that in regards to the porno thing, she'd just been feeling horny again lately.

 

Oh I forgot that part. The reason I'm always given (besides the ones like not feeling good, "that time of the month", tired, etc.) for the lack of sex, is that she just doesn't get horny a lot. That she's not a very "sexual" person, and with the depression and such lately, it's been even worse.

 

So, like I was saying. She has been feeling more "sexual" lately, and wanted to have sex with me again. She'd planned this "date night" thing for us on sat, and she said she had intended to suprise me with sex that night. Now, in her defense, she had told me about the date thing a few days ago, so it wasn't made up to get her out of this.

 

So we talked a while. I forgave her. We even had sex last night, first time in almost 2 months! Than we went out today, went to a movie, went to some garage sales, etc. Things seemed better today than they have probably since our wedding.

 

I'm trying my best to just let it go (it's only been 1 1/2 days since this all hit me)......but it seems like everytime I forget about it for a bit.......it creeps right back into my head. I start picturing her and this guy, swapping pictures, talking on their computers (most likely though the voice program, so about the same as talking on the phone), and "getting each other off". And I keep asking myself questions like "how can I trust her, when this happened before and I asked her to stop, than happened again?". Or I'm bothered by the fact that she's just acting like normal again. I guess I understand, she just wants to get past it. But I mean....if it were ME that had done something like this, and been caught.....I'd be walking on eggshells for a while. But she's not really acting like that.

 

I asked for sex again earlier, but she was about to take a nap, which was ok I understood. So I said maybe later....and she said she wanted to play counter-strike (a game on the comptuer) later, since she hadn't gotten a chance to all day. That's what I'm talking about.......if the roles were reversed......I'd be doing whatever I could to keep her happy and show her how truely sorry I am. Which just makes me wonder if things are really better, or just better for now until this blows over. I just don't know what to think or feel right now, I'm so confused.

 

And the worst thing is, I don't really even have anyone to talk to about this. Which is pretty much why I'm posting here. Sad, I can talk to anonymous strangers (no offense to any of you) easier than I can anyone else. But I mean.......how could I talk to the people I'd normally talk to about this? Obviously, she's out.......I really can't picture talking to my mom about all this......or my best friend/brother-in-law (he was my best friend/roomate in the air force, than became my brother-in-law...lol long story). I mean, part of me DOES want to talk to them.....but what if everything works out between us, and I get past this? Do I really want any of them knowing about this? How could they ever accept her again?

 

Sorry this is so long, I've just been aching to spill this on someone, and this jsut happened to be the place I guess to do it. It all kinda spewed outta me all at once. We're still going to the counseling session this week, we're being seen seperately than together this wed. I don't know yet if I'll bring this up when I'm seen seperately with the counselor, guess I'll see how it goes first. This is a first for me, I've never done anything remotely resembling cheating in a relationship, and as far as I know never been cheated on. I don't know where this falls in the "cheating scale", or if most people would even consider it really "cheating" per se. I guess I'll just take it day by day, and see how things go.

 

Thanks for listening, feel free to post your thoughts, especially if any of you have had any kind of experiences like this.

[OmahaGuy]

Oops, sorry, meant to post this in infedelity section. If a mod wishes, could it be moved there? THanks, and sorry.

[Sup]

OK, background first. My wife and I have been married for a little over 7 months now. We were engaged in Feb. of last year, and married in Oct. of last year. Before that, we dated for over 2 years, probably closer to 3. We've been struggling with things since our marriage, her being depressed (her father died about a year and a half ago, cancer, she was still dealing with it), lack of sex (if you don't count the 2 times on our honeymoon, we're talking maybe 5 or 6 times since our wedding), me being depressed (due to the relationship problems, and lack of sex, etc.)

 

She was going to counseling back in April to deal with her fathers death and all that, the counselor suggested she deal with that before we seek marriage counseling. It made sense to me, so just within that last week or so I'd been trying to set up an apointment for us for marriage counseling. But things haven't really been getting better with us, at times it felt more like I had a roomate than a wife. Last time we'd actually had sex was back in april I think.

 

Now, she's on her computer a LOT. We're both big into computers and gaming and such. She has a group of guys she talks to regularly, on teamspeak (which is a program that lets you talk through microphone to other people, kinda like a chat room with voice). She's always been more prone to be friends with guys instead of girls. I don't know why, but when I got home friday morning from work (I work 11pm-7am, in the military), I started to search her computer. I don't really know why or what possessed me to do this. I guess I was hoping to find some kinda webpage or history file that might give me some kind of ideas as to what she was thinking or whatever.

 

After a while, I was about ready to give up, and kinda feeling guilty. Than, again for some unexplicable reason, I decided to search in her recyle bin. I saw a few pictures in there, named picture1, picture2, etc. I thought that odd, since the other pictures I know of (like our wedding pictures on her computer, things like that) aren't named generically like that. I brought them out of the bin, and saw they were webcam ones. Mostly just her face and stuff, until I got to one....and I was shocked. Sorry if this is graphic....it was a picture of her "area" spread with her fingers. I immediately did a search for picture files on her computer, and turned up 2 more, of her with her shirt and bra up.

 

I sat there for a while. I didn't really want to call her at work to discuss this, so I called her cell and left a message to call me at lunch. Well, after a few more minutes I realized I couldn't wait, and called her at work. When I asked her, she said they were from long ago. What this refers to is when I found pictures on her computer before, 2 topless ones. She told me than that it was back last year, before we were married, and she was just sending them to a friend online to show him her "piercings" (she has her nipples done). At that time, I was a little upset, but forgave her and asked/told her to not do it again.

 

Well, after that I hung up, and went into the bedroom to sleep. I usually watch tv while going to sleep (helps me sleep faster), so I went to the "indemand" section. Basically, it's a channel you go to, and when you hit enter on your remote, it brings up a listing of movies you can watch. It's free for whatever premium channels you have, HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, etc. Well I was sure I'd started some movie the day before, so I went to "resume" which brings up any movies you've watched in the last 24 hours, and you can play them from there. I was shocked to see one of those Cinemax "softcore" porns on there. I called her again to ask about this....she said she'd clicked it accidentally, and turned it right off.

 

So I again hung up. Than I remembered that if you stop a movie you're in the middle of watching, when you select it from the resume menu, it'll let you resume it from where you stopped it at. I went and checked.......the movie was 50 mintues in......so AGAIN I called her at work, and she admitted to watching it, and.....well doing things with herself. She told me she just didn't want to say it to me, was embarassed or something. So I said ok. She sounded like she was getting a little irritated at this point, and told me to just go to bed, and shut off her computer. So I did, but couldn't stop thinking and having thoughts go through my head.

 

Than it occurred to me. I could see WHEN those picutres on her computer were made, because I was pretty sure they weren't the same ones (not counting the "lower area" one) I'd seen before, though she told me they were. The other time, those pictures were from like the fall of 2004 or something like that. I got on her computer and checked.......sure enough, creation dates were Jan 2006 for the 2 boob ones, and April 2006 (only a month ago!) for the other one. I called, yet again!, and confronted her. She tried to keep playing dumb with me, until I kept pushing and she finally broke down. She told me she was leaving work and coming right home. It takes her 30-40 minutes to get home from work.

 

She gets home, and basically tells me the whole story. Apparently, one of the guys she talked to online (she doesn't anymore) and her had a little "thing" going on. They'd send each other these pictures of themselves, to get each other off. Now I know that's not as bad as having sex with other people or anything...but I was still crushed. I think what hurt most is that, we had so little sex, yet this was going on (from what she told me) once a week or more for a couple months.

 

So, we talked for a while. She kept saying how horrible she felt, and how sorry she was. She said it ended a couple months back. Apparently (again what she's telling me), he stopped talking to her for a while, and that's when she took the third (lower area) picture to send him. She said she ended up not sending it after all though (kinda makes sense, that picture was in the recycle bin, the other 2 weren't). She also said that in regards to the porno thing, she'd just been feeling horny again lately.

 

Oh I forgot that part. The reason I'm always given (besides the ones like not feeling good, "that time of the month", tired, etc.) for the lack of sex, is that she just doesn't get horny a lot. That she's not a very "sexual" person, and with the depression and such lately, it's been even worse.

 

So, like I was saying. She has been feeling more "sexual" lately, and wanted to have sex with me again. She'd planned this "date night" thing for us on sat, and she said she had intended to suprise me with sex that night. Now, in her defense, she had told me about the date thing a few days ago, so it wasn't made up to get her out of this.

 

So we talked a while. I forgave her. We even had sex last night, first time in almost 2 months! Than we went out today, went to a movie, went to some garage sales, etc. Things seemed better today than they have probably since our wedding.

 

I'm trying my best to just let it go (it's only been 1 1/2 days since this all hit me)......but it seems like everytime I forget about it for a bit.......it creeps right back into my head. I start picturing her and this guy, swapping pictures, talking on their computers (most likely though the voice program, so about the same as talking on the phone), and "getting each other off". And I keep asking myself questions like "how can I trust her, when this happened before and I asked her to stop, than happened again?". Or I'm bothered by the fact that she's just acting like normal again. I guess I understand, she just wants to get past it. But I mean....if it were ME that had done something like this, and been caught.....I'd be walking on eggshells for a while. But she's not really acting like that.

 

I asked for sex again earlier, but she was about to take a nap, which was ok I understood. So I said maybe later....and she said she wanted to play counter-strike (a game on the comptuer) later, since she hadn't gotten a chance to all day. That's what I'm talking about.......if the roles were reversed......I'd be doing whatever I could to keep her happy and show her how truely sorry I am. Which just makes me wonder if things are really better, or just better for now until this blows over. I just don't know what to think or feel right now, I'm so confused.

 

And the worst thing is, I don't really even have anyone to talk to about this. Which is pretty much why I'm posting here. Sad, I can talk to anonymous strangers (no offense to any of you) easier than I can anyone else. But I mean.......how could I talk to the people I'd normally talk to about this? Obviously, she's out.......I really can't picture talking to my mom about all this......or my best friend/brother-in-law (he was my best friend/roomate in the air force, than became my brother-in-law...lol long story). I mean, part of me DOES want to talk to them.....but what if everything works out between us, and I get past this? Do I really want any of them knowing about this? How could they ever accept her again?

 

Sorry this is so long, I've just been aching to spill this on someone, and this jsut happened to be the place I guess to do it. It all kinda spewed outta me all at once. We're still going to the counseling session this week, we're being seen seperately than together this wed. I don't know yet if I'll bring this up when I'm seen seperately with the counselor, guess I'll see how it goes first. This is a first for me, I've never done anything remotely resembling cheating in a relationship, and as far as I know never been cheated on. I don't know where this falls in the "cheating scale", or if most people would even consider it really "cheating" per se. I guess I'll just take it day by day, and see how things go.

 

Thanks for listening, feel free to post your thoughts, especially if any of you have had any kind of experiences like this.

 

Actually, some people here WOULD call that cheating. Marriage Couseling! The sooner the better! I would install a keylogger, just in case. And for now lay low.... The thing that worries me the most is about the lack of sex thing, and now she wants sex, but SHE doesn't? Sounds kinda strange to me. I hope others post on this one.

[Love Hurts]

She was depressed... over her fathers death............ spent more time on the pc and developed a lack of sexual desire.

One day she was stimulated.... by something or someone online... and it keeps on until the picks were sent and what not.

 

Ok it happened.... it is cheating you.... and it hurts, any form of cheating hurts our partner.

 

*You my dear are fortunate...... no physical contact.... I do believe this is why she is sorry, yet not beating herself up for it....

 

Think of it. She has not done the ...... tripple dirty dog dare ya ....

Imagine the pain of knowing she bathed, dressed and misted herself with your favorite of her perfumes, reded her lips, smoothed her stockings and winked at her fine hot self in the mirror, just before she drove off to meet her wild strange lover, seeking that intimate passionate physical encounter...

 

Then bring it on home to you................... some things just don't wash off in the shower.

 

You should let her have a mistake, she knows you are upset...

She made you a promise. Try to let her .... regain your trust...

Granted it takes time... trust is not built over night.

 

We all trust until we are let down..... this is not to bad.... as some relationships have suffered so much ..... You can think of the possitive.

Again..... your lucky.

 

 

You two might try having a couple nights a week with no pc time....

Call it our time.... Make it a rule..... no pc... no tv ... listen to music talk wine and dine at home or go out...... look at each other...

 

If things are begining to build up emotionally this is a good way to clear away negatives... be open with each other.......... communicate as much as possible.

 

If you love and are attracted to each other.......... something pleasant is bound to happen.

 

You two need to refocus on each other, regain the magnetism that brought you together in the first place.

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

Good advice given.

 

I'll add this, maybe it's time for her (and you if you are into gaming as well) to turn off the computer and only have certain 'times' to game. Seems that game is interferring in your time together.

 

I agree too, she deserves a chance to make things right. Let her gain your trust again - Cheating online is still cheating and it has the exact same affects a face to face affair has. Loss of trust and faith in your loved one. She broke your trust and now she has to earn it back. By: Being an open book, always being upfront and honest with you about everything. NO MORE inappropriate behaviour with these guys online.

 

Marriage counselling is a must if you two want to fix things.

[sharlene]

i am in love with a married man, and he wont leave his wife.

[whichwayisup]

Sharlene, you may want to start your own thread, that way you get more replies.

 

I will say this though, if he is telling you he won't leave his wife for you, LISTEN TO HIM. The chances of him leaving her are slim to none. Right now, why should he change anything? He's got a wife, a home and you. All his needs are being filled, selfishly. Why would he want to give up two good things in his life? A woman on the side, and a wife at home.