rhlovesrs Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Well, this is my very first day on this site and I have to say that I am extremely glad to see that there is some support around for the OW/OM. I am going to try to keep my story short, but as I am sure you are all aware, that is not easy, given the situations we are in as being the OW. First of all, my love interest is not married, but has been in a committed relationship for the last 8 years. The relationship has resulted in 2 children who are now 7 and 5. I met my "man" at work. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I thought he was amazing. We were both in committed relationships at that time, so he was just something very nice to look at. My relationship ended soon after I started working there, but still I didn't have any interest any type of relationship with him - outside of being coworkers. A year and a half passed and that is exactly what our relationship was. I have to say that our whole staff is pretty close and enjoy spending time together outside the office. A function outside the office is where this whole thing started. In the end, it was too much alcohol and him persuing me and me not resisting. I felt terrible the next day, but only because I knew that I did something out of character and had to face him at work. I had no regret about the actual encounter and infact found myself star struck. I felt that it would end there, and that it would never be talked about again. I was wrong. He talked about it as soon as he saw me and that is exactly when the EA started. The phone call started and on some level I felt that it was wrong, but it felt so good at the same time. I know now that i was only worried about what other people's perception of me would be if they were to find out. The EA and PA progressed over the next 6 months. We saw each other every day at work, talked at least 4 times a night and would be together any chance we got. He met my family and I met his friends. He opened about how unhappy he was and that he was in the relationship as a result of the first pregnancy and the second child was an attempt at making a bad relationship good again. He is an amazing father and his entire world revolves around his kids. He lives and breathes for them. In heated arguments with his GF she would threaten him with the kids and that would terrify him. We were growing very close and I knew that my feelings were undoubtedly love. I could not tell him that because it would open me up to world of hurt. He actually told me first and even at that time I could not reveal how I was feeling. All was going well and I felt that I had a chance at having the life with him that I so desperately wanted. He started getting a little careless around coworkers and after a scare that they would tell his significant other before he could and she would follow thru on her threats regarding the kids. Out of the blue NC started - implemented by him. I didn't question it and let it go on although I was dying inside. I went on dating and he went on with his life although he would look misrable every day that I saw him at work. I would hear from him periodically but it would be just idol chit chat or the occassional "bootie call". I was/am so deeply in love with him that no matter when he would contact me, I would make time for him - even with his cell phone calls while I was on other dates. About 1-1/2 years after the NC started, he made a phone call that lasted about 3 hours and we actually had a heart to heart about why the sudden NC started and at that time we confessed our entire hearts to each other. Things didn't change. I didn't get my man back with the exception of the occassional chat or BC. I tried to move on and continued to date, but I could not get passed my feelings for him. It was a regular occurance for me to have a break down fit of crying at least twice a month. Now we are at present day and 3 yrs since our A began. He still contacts me and now things have started to progress. We are both very open about our feelings. Our contact is a little more limited this time due to a change in circumstances at home. We are hopelessly in love. So much so that coworkers can see it in our eyes and have questioned it. He is terrified for his kids. He thinks that spliting with his GF will hurt them more than he is prepared to do and he would suffer for an eternity to protect them. He does not know how to start to understand that leaving is not meant to hurt the kids. So my first question, would be to ask, is there somewhere online that he can go to get some information and support to guide him to the place where he needs to be to leave without taking it as an attack against his kids??? I am in my 30's and have never been married. I have been in several long term relationships and have lived my life. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I know what it is like to be in love, in lust and to just "have fun" (if you know what I mean). I am successful in my life. I have my own home, car, and do not want for anything except my "man". The love that I feel for him is not like anything that I have ever experience before. It is absolutely amazing. I feel like a school child when I am around him. Even after all this time and all the stress of the situation, I get the tingles every single time I lay my eyes on him at work, or I get a call or text msg from him. I was in a relationship for 14 years and had a very hard time getting over it when it ended, but I did it. I can not shake this at all. To be honest, it feels so good to be with him that the bad doesn't weigh in at all. He is everything that I have ever wanted both in a physical relationship and an emotional one. I never thought in a million years that I would ever be the OW - and even if I was, I could never see it being love, just a "fun time". Can someone give me/us some guidance? How can I get through this? Is it possible for me to come out on the winning side? Is there any information or support for him to help with leaving the kids behind??? Any information, advice or suggestions that you have to offer would be a gift.
scarletletter Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I can tell you that your situation sucks! I say that from experience. I have been in and still am in a extramarital affair that has gone way farther than I ever thought it would. We are truly in love...deeply. The big problem is the children involved. His are 11 and 14, mine is 9. We have discussed this over and over and we both agree that as long as we are not discovered, it is better emotionally for the children if we wait until they are older to split with our spouses. I am more eager to leave mine at the moment, but I know it would have a terribal effect on my daughter. We want to try to keep them in a stable environment until they are out of the developmental stage. We just think it is for the best. Now, if we get discovered by our spouses, we are going to be in even a bigger mess, in a messy situation that we were trying to avoid in the first place. Neither of us care about the spouse situtation at all...it is the kids. I know there are family counseling practices in my town that specialize in this. You might check where he lives to see if something is available. The couseling is to prepare the children so that they realize that the split is not their fault. My mm's biggest thing is that he does not want to see his boys on a part-time basis. He is a wonderful father and cannot bear not seeing them every day. It's a real mess, but I understand how he feels. No judge in the world will give full custody to the father unless the mother has some serious problems....so that puts the men in a bad place. If you man is serious about breaking it off with his girlfriend, then he should seek out family counseling. Even though they are not married, as long as they have been together, it would be the same. I can seriously relate to your torment and aggrivation.
Author rhlovesrs Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 I am so glad that this site exists. I new that I wasn't a rarity when it comes to being the OW, but it is somewhat comforting (for lack of a better term) to know that OW share my feelings and emotions. I am truly not alone. Our stories appear to be so similar in many respects. My "man" has the exact same fears as yours. Like I said, his children are his life, he lives and breathes for them. He can not bear the thought of hurting them, or having one day pass where he can not see them. I know the kind of torment that I experience during the times we are apart and I know he feels the same way. I do not have the fortune of having my own children, I can only guess that the torment and pain he would have to experience by being away from them - my own selfish feelings would pale in comparison. Just so everyone is clear. We do have a physical relationship, but we have such a strong emotional connection - that is the basis of our relationship. We are truly best friends. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for this man or his kids, which is why I did respect his choice for NC years back. I will certainly talk to him about councelling and help him do any research. I have been search for support and answers myself which is how I found this site. One interesting article I found from an adult child regarding parents separation/divorce. He noted that he grew up with siblings and all of them knowing that his father was unhappy, but that he committed to staying in the relationship until the kids were grown. Shortly after this man's 19th b-day his father left for good. It became public knowledge after the separation that he had been having affairs thru the lifetime of the marriage to cope with the unhappiness he had to live with. The man writing the article noted that his father was now married to the woman he was with when he finally did leave his mother. He only wished that his parents had the foresight to separate earlier instead of forcing an unhappy situation for years and year. His great point at the end of the article was that at least he would have grown up knowing healthy, happy adult relationships giving him a better foundation for his own relationships - than the stress and darkness of the life he did grow up with. Anyone with thoughts to share on this?? Please reply. Especially with any information, suggestions or stories you have in reply to my first posting.
scarletletter Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 That is the exact debate that i have with my MM. Why put the children through an unhealthy relationship in the first place. I wish I knew the answer to that. My mm is so devoted to his boys that he is willing to spend however many years in an extramarital affair just so he can be with them every day. I love him for loving his children so much...just makes me want him more.
lovernotafighter Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 this what my MM says as well why he can't leave..but like I posted earlier..I have also found out that that his marriage is peaches and cream right now..so all this arguing he has been telling me is rubbish..or who knows. the thing with his child I do understand,but my argument was the same..if your marriage is so unhealthy that your in a extramarital affair and your telling me all you do is argue..then how is this any better for your child? well my MM is a good father..and I do see that..I wish him luck. rhl I wish I had good words of wisdom for you...I love my MM with every breath in my body..my furure was his for the taking, and he has turned that down. how do we cope? well I'm going NC because I always used to think my feelings would get less and less but with my MM it has been nothing but the opposite..how is that even possible? I don't know. I do believe my MM loves me but the question is do our MM's love us enough? all these things, children ,money,etc.. they can be worked out and over come. it is ultimately up to them. my MM actually asked me to stay married so this A can (and I use his words) " go on forever" I was very insulted...I am on my way to a divorce. I wish you the best of luck..we are here for you
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