Agent M Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Please weigh in on this issue...I've been up all night wondering what to do. My b/f has had no wheels for about 3 mos. now, and is depending on others for rides. More and more, his neighbor Bill has been showing up and taking him here, there, and everywhere. Much of the stuff is productive (like hardware store, kayaking, eating out), but they always end up in a bar playing pool or sometimes hanging out. Now the bars around here aren't like nice clubs, they're skanky bars with alcoholics. Bill likes to drink and smoke p, my b/f usually has about two beers. Then they head back to Bill's house and play drums or watch movies. Bill is always looking for women, too. Anyway, I've left the bar scene in the past. I don't really like to drink much, and I get really bad vibes in these skanky bars. Granted, they are playing pool, but I'm not really wanting to hang out with people who hang out in bars. This guy Bill is constantly calling my b/f, showing up at his house, and asking him to do things. My b/f is in bars more and more. Bill is like 43 and the b/f is 38. I'm uncomfortable with this whole bar/hanging out thing. Not because it's a trust issue, but because I'm so past that scene and I find it gross. What should I do?
SuperMonk Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I'm guessing you were a past bar hag/fly and you don't want your man looking at other bar hags/flies either huh? That's unfair of you. Really it is. Stop trying to control him, and tell him to get a car, kinda pathetic of someone not having a car unless they live in an urban city which he doesn't sound like he does.
Outcast Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 If they're not staying out all night and if he's only having two beers and stopping, then it's not a problem IMHO. I thought you were going to say they get drunk every night. That would be a problem.
tikigods Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Its not fair for you to tell your boyfriend that he can't hang out in a place that he enjoys, and just because you are over it doesn't mean that he is. I would suggest that if this is a big problem then find a guy that likes to hang out in the same areas that you do.
Author Agent M Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 No...it's not an issue of my being afraid that he's looking around at other "hags". I do trust him. I told him he doesn't need to change a thing, which I thought was very fair of me, and that it was my issue. Doesn't anyone agree that skanky bars are spiritually stagnant places to hang and that there are other, more productive things to be doing besides drinking in a bar every week?
tikigods Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 NOt everyone wants to be productive and searching for the meaning a life every moment of the day. Some people like to go out to bars and just have a little bit to unwind and not have to worry about anything more then if they can make the shot in pool. Also this is you saying its a skanky bar, it might be a place that he enjoys going and hanging out and not have to worry about "high class" stuff. As I said before if this is something that really bothers you then find someone that feels the same way, cause I don't see this changing anytime soon
Author Agent M Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Ugghh.....he's got a lot of good qualities too...it's a difficult decision.
MadDog Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I think you need to loosen up a bit. If he's cool in other ways, who cares if he enjoys going to bars? I enjoy going to clubs and bars but it doesn't mean I'm devoid of intelligent thought or conversation at other times. As a female, you probably enjoy shopping with your girlfriends. Would you think it's fair for him to want you to stop doing that because he doesn't enjoy that scene?
Author Agent M Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 No, I don't want him to change himself and I told him that. It's my issue. However, if he asked me to stop going shopping I really wouldn't care. Maybe that's wrong but he means a lot to me.
MadDog Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 No, I don't want him to change himself and I told him that. It's my issue. However, if he asked me to stop going shopping I really wouldn't care. Maybe that's wrong but he means a lot to me. You sound like my ex. She told me stuff she didn't want me to do. I'd ask her, "If I wanted you to stop doing X, would you?" She'd say yes because I was more important. In a way it was nice that I was so important to her but it also sucked because she expected me to do anything to make her happy, even if those things were really petty. That would have been fine except she kept asking for more and more until I couldn't give her what she needed anymore.
Author Agent M Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 No, it's cool, I don't want him to change if he doesn't want to. I think if you really like someone, it's not cool to expect them to change. I guess I'm just a little disappointed that we disagree about this and that it's somewhat of a problem for me.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I think you both compromise. That is the key to solving these kind of problems.
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