lake Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 A couple months ago my husband got involved in an e-mail, text, phone relationship with a woman he dated in his teens (we are in our 50's). I had no idea of what was going on and no reason to mistrust him as we have been very loyal to each other for 30 years. He met her and lied to me in order to create the segment of time to meet her. Then he decided to bring her back to our home for dinner. Of course, during the course of the time she was in our home, I figured some of it out and was pretty stunned. He sounded odd when they came into the house, it was clear he had not just "run into her" as he had told me on the cell phone call to me that he made as they were carravanning back to our home. etc etc. Over the course of the next week, I slowly put things together and asked him questions which he answered. Then I checked his e-mail and was able to find a segment of their conversations which made clear the correspondence had been at least daily and usually two or three times a day, including text messages and phone calls. I feel it would have continued on a less frequent level had I not called him on all of it. I confronted him that it basically was an "affair". He denied that he wanted it to go "anywhere" and that it was just "fun" But he admitted that he could now see that it WAS an emotional affair. We are working through it. He feels terrible that he let him fool or "pretend" himself into such a relationship. He broke all contact. But as you all know, I am still going through waves of grief, anger, sadness. Has anyone found anything other than time and honesty that have helped this process? He has always been a somewhat distant partner--fading away in the middle of conversations, not very romantic, needing prodding to interact with our children. He is trying to change all this. The very fact that he could create an emotional fantasy world away from all of us really brought his lack of attention to emotional needs of those around him to a head. I wish he could put more energy into his efforts. He is involved in research for a living--you would think that he could figure out a way to research how to be a caring husband. By the way, I know this doesn't matter, but I am considered attractive and I exercise and take care of myself. I am thankful that I feel this way about myself. I think it would be harder for me if I was not physically active. Want off the emotional roller coaster Want to take heart and enjoy his new efforts
target-d Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Time and honesty are the key ingredients. Marriage counseling is a definite plus as well. The problem with research is that it's a very "head" oriented business, whereas living is more "heart" oriented. Head people have a much harder time relating to and satisfying emotional needs in others, and therefore are satisfied less themselves as well. Get your husband out of the house and into some physical activities. Don't let him simply live in his own head - especially since he doesn't seem to want to share what's going on in it. Best of luck to you.
Author lake Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Yes, he does research as part of his job but the majority of his job is very social. He is very atheletic also. Just clarifying these points in case anyone else cares to give me any help in processing all this.
Author lake Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 ok, He got re-acquainted with an old girlfriend by e-mail. He e=mailed her in a flirty way that included talking over old times and our life together. They spoke on the phone. She text messaged him. He kept all this from me because he felt it was fun and that I might not view it as just "fun". He had no romantic interest in her. We are a couple that everyone admires for our dedication to each other. I believe he had no romantic interest in her. (He describes it as an ego booster and a mid life crisis. He feels stupid, humiliated and bad now) I could live with all of the stuff he did that I have described in this entry. The part that kills me is that when she said she was coming back to her hometown for a visit (I'm sure the visit was motivated by their three week communication), he lied to me in order to go meet with her. That is the part that sent me over the cliff. I can still recall the lie that he said to me. He had other choices. Tell her he had other committments, invite her to the house to meet all of us (which he actually wanted to do--He wanted the little flirty fun AND he wanted her to know he was a successful happily married man with a great wife and great kids_) So he goes and meets her and THEN he realizes he is feeling uncomfortable. So what does he do? He invites her over to the house and calls me on his cell phone on the way home telling me "Guess who I ran into?" What a great dinner--He now realizes it was an EA and very hurtful to me. Guys, can you explain this away for me? Make it make sense? Those Guys who have done something similar=any way of making me understand it so I won't keep perseverating on it?
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