yARGHHHHHHHH!

[eyeswideshut]

At this point, it's been so long since I've seen the MM, that it is a way of life that he isn't in my life. (physically)

Of course his response to my "happy" email was that he wanted to know if we could celebrate my new job with drinks on Friday night.

I had plans, so I wrote a quick, I'll let you know next time i'm going for Martinis, but tonight i have plans.

I'm still needing this time alone to grieve and make sense of my ex-fiance since we broke up almost two years ago.

But the more I do go out with "other" friends, the more I miss the both of them. My ex, and my MM.

(more my MM, because of the qualities he has and had before the A turned him into a "bad guy")

When I was trying to leave my ex-fiance, it took me about a year, and I couldn't think straight, so i'm figuring he must be in a cloud of numbness considering he just lost his brother a while ago, and is not happy in his M.

Anyway. I just know it will take time.

but how patient and understanding does one have to be? I don't feel as though I've lost total control of my life except for the fact that I'm addicted to LS.

DO some of you posters feel that way? I mean how was life before LS?

I have this bad habit of logging on and then spending all my free time at the computer when I should be getting on with my life.

I go to bed at 1am every night and have to be at work for 8.

I check and read everything and it's kind of pathetic, because before I had a social life and stuff to do. NOw I just have a social life and LS.

How to break this habit? and how to stop consuming myself with this weird belief that my MM and I will eventually end up togther.

I keep going out, spending money on drinks and suppers with friends, and it doesn't make me feel happy. I feel as though I am living a life I haven't chosen.

Do you feel that way sometimes?

[hokitika1246]

I don't feel as though I've lost total control of my life except for the fact that I'm addicted to LS.

DO some of you posters feel that way? I mean how was life before LS?

I have this bad habit of logging on and then spending all my free time at the computer when I should be getting on with my life.

 

 

actually, yes. you'd be surprised. i just started posting but i've been reading posts for a while. sometimes i'm concerned about what's going on in the other person's life and truly want to help, sometimes i'm looking for a token of wisdom about what to do with my own. sometimes i get gratification about knowing that i'm not in a place where i would make the same decision as _____ (fill in any blank) and being able to offer advice to someone validates my growth!! i'm NOT saying any of these things are right or good, but i'm just being honest about what sometimes goes through my head and heart.

 

i do feel for other people's pain on here and wish i could KNOW them and support them in real life because when you're in pain there's no substiture for a real-life shoulder to cry on...

 

i don't think i'm quite where oyu are with spending too much time on LS when i could be out getting on with my life, just because my schedule is crazy and won't allow it. it's more of a nice diversion. but i want to give you a LOT of credit. you have amazing insight and self-awareness. you probably hear that a lot. addicts (to anything) usually have a very hard time seeing their behavior as problematic.

 

but what to do? have you tried anything like giving yourself time limits or checking only X times a day or only replying to say, 2 posts a day? there's no real need to quit something cold-turkey if its moderate presence in your life is helpful. a more drastic measure, though, would be disconnecting your internet access for a month or so. force yourself off the site. you migh tmiss it less than you think.

 

Of course his response to my "happy" email was that he wanted to know if we could celebrate my new job with drinks on Friday night.

I had plans, so I wrote a quick, I'll let you know next time i'm going for Martinis, but tonight i have plans.

 

i can't remember what your process with these offers has been like in the first place but i want to give you a big WAHOO for doing that. how many women, how many times, is there the temptation to drop everything for him?

 

you know, in thinking about the above question about addicted to LS when you should be getting on with your life... one time i had a VERY tough and alarming *romantic* surprise. a betrayal;/ it hurt like hell and i didn't know hwat to do. i spent a month WAY overeating and drinking-- two things that i didn't do normally (i'm a marathon runner and usually would drink a glass of wine a month or someting). it was interesting that my therapist encouraged these activities in the short term as a way to cope and accept myself where i was at. he wanted me to deal with the grief and he trusted that i would give up these habits when i was ready. and i did. and the up-side is that period of letting go had an enormously good effect on my previous disposition to control food and exercise. i used them as "crutches" without guilt, because the last thing i needed was guilt on top of heartbreak.

 

maybe you can let yourself be where you are-- but at the same time i see this inkling of discontent as a sign that you're ready to make a change and move on, you know? rather than a condemnation of your life, it's a sign of growth. you were "there", needing one thing and now you're "here" needing another!

 

where are you on dating others? are you NOT dating on purpose because you don't feel ready? or have you not met anyone? i vascillate on this, but at the moment i feel this way-- humans are social animals and feel a sense of loneliness when they're ready for a partnership and don't have one. i mean, you did say you still needed time alone, and i trust that. but at the same time, we never actually get "there"-- to the point where we're PERFECT, perfectly whole and unflawed. and neither does our potential partner, for that matter.

 

okay, this may or may not help. the intention is there! i respect so much your putsuit of wholeness and growth. you're asking the right questions and setting an awesome example for women on this forum about loving yourself. cheers to you.

 

h

[eyeswideshut]

what a thoughtful, beautifully written reply.

I was ranting last night well, at 4am actually. Had a couple of drinks in the system.

Feeling quite dehydrated. You're a marathon runner? No wonder you're so smart!! I run every day. I'm addicted to that too. How long have you been running? How many marathons? I'm too chicken for marathons. I run the 13m or so on the DAY OF, on my own trail. Never ran more than that.

Well. Yes, I was impressed by the reply.

I am impressed with how much consideration people have for others here.

You know, we're not a bunch of saps who should be on Dr. Phil.

I have a feeling we're a good bunch of really caring people.

What's weird, is that my friends right now are really good, but if I look at it from an objective perspective, I have people around me who are quite broken.

When I was with my ex-fiance, he had such high standards, and so did my family when I was growing up. so i was always surrounded by people who knew so much more than me and who had the same drive and non-stop ambition to be productive and creative, etc.

As a release from this motivating yet almost superwomanly lifestyle, I happened to chose girlfriends who were princesses, a bit ditzy, with issues, non-perfect in every sense of the word.

My guy friends fill another need, that of interesting and intelligent conversation. It's as though the women in my life are not really role models for me and I wish I did have a girlfriend who was more confident and not so interested in her looks, etc.

I always find that easy-goingness in my guy friends.

Of course I have about three really smart girfriends who are made for me personality-wise, but why is it they live in three different corners of the world, and the only contact I have is through internet and phone.

I wouldn't trade my ditsy friends for anything, we've known each other for years, and they do have big hearts, and they are real friends. But i just figured, when i marry, I won't have to maintain this lifestyle so much.

(ex. going for drinks in a cool restaurant and talking about shoes and teeth whitener because one of my gf's wants to pick up, when I'd rather be discussing books and drinking in a quiet remote place with my MM!)

Well, seems it's just another rant.

hahah

But I just realized last night, when I watched as one of my friends, who is literally going crazy walk back to her car. She kept forgetting her train of thought, she speaks really fast and cries a lot, just is very unstable right now. She was 5 years ago, the most beautiful, graceful woman I knew. But now I slowly am learning that she had so many issues growing up, that the grace and beauty is really a sort of cover up because deep down inside she is broken. I thought how awful I am to think this way, if I was going crazy, I would need support. It's just that because I am the strong one in life, I seem to be surrounded by all these people who cling to me in a way, and I wish sometimes that I was surrounded by people I admire for a change.

 

By the way. My MM came by this morning, and I let him in, we lay in bed after you know what, and he truly filled my need for real and productive conversation. He told me about his screen play, his plans for writing it, all these things he did, he asked about my new job, it was like a breath of fresh air. I let him in because I wanted to truly be myself and be with someone who fits me naturally.

 

Girls. Please rant, I am so interested in your real stories. not just the MM stuff.

[Sami_D]

I watched as one of my friends, who is literally going crazy walk back to her car. She kept forgetting her train of thought, she speaks really fast and cries a lot, just is very unstable right now. She was 5 years ago, the most beautiful, graceful woman I knew. But now I slowly am learning that she had so many issues growing up, that the grace and beauty is really a sort of cover up because deep down inside she is broken. I thought how awful I am to think this way, if I was going crazy, I would need support. It's just that because I am the strong one in life, I seem to be surrounded by all these people who cling to me in a way, and I wish sometimes that I was surrounded by people I admire for a change.

 

By the way. My MM came by this morning, and I let him in, we lay in bed after you know what, and he truly filled my need for real and productive conversation. He told me about his screen play, his plans for writing it, all these things he did, he asked about my new job, it was like a breath of fresh air. I let him in because I wanted to truly be myself and be with someone who fits me naturally.

 

She's weak because of what..? What's she crying about? What is it that you think makes her so much less than you..?

 

I can believe that it's easy for some OW to imagine they're 'being strong' when they're lying in bed with MM... listening to his stuff. So what..? How hard is it to have sex and a bit of a chat with someone..? Isn't that the easy bit?

[eyeswideshut]

the reason I keep claiming I'm strong, not "better" no way, I know I'm a control-freak, but it's because for instance, if I know I'm going through a "burnout" or I'm very stressed, I won't let myself get that way.

I do all it takes to be healthy I excercise, and of course I go crazy, but I try to pick myself up by myself. Maybe it's a fault or a fear of mine, but when I'm "destroyed" I take a couple of days off work and cry, do whatever, browse in the self-help dept. I don't appear helpless, don't act bitchy with my co-workers, because I KNOW no one can help me but myself. I keep my personal problems to myself and to LS members!! hhaah

 

However, not that I'm judging, (but yeah, I am), but what I don't understand and what really made me feel helpless last night, is that she is off work because of the fact that she wasn't able to keep up, and she was burning both candles at both ends, and couldn't handle it, and then she stopped working. What got me mad, is that she's supposed to be seeing a therapist, and she is, but she doesn't take the medication he's giving her, so basically, she's not sleeping at all.

I told her, you know, the mind is very delicate, so you have to do everything possible to keep all the odds on your side, you don't need to take the medication, but you have to stop smoking pot and drinking alcohol to numb the pain, it's counterproductive!

And she doens't eat, and she keeps falling, and then she cries because she's embarrassed that she falls, and I'm thinking, why won't you help yourself?

the reason why I claim I'm strong, is that I don't depend on things or people or events to shape who I am. I suffer and I am weak and I go through all this, but I also know what is self-destructive.

Last night, we laughed a lot and we had a great time. But when I found out that she was smoking pot about three times a day and not eating and not listening to her therapist, and not sleeping, I was angry!!

I told her: DO NOT smoke pot! Do NOT drink!!

She doesn't have a drug problem and she's not an alcoholic!! She's just trying to numb the pain!

I know it's not my responsibility to save her, but it gets me mad.

I know that in my life, this MM thing, is the worst and the weakest thing I've ever done. And that letting him come in was bad judgement.

That is something I will have to think about more. Which is part of the problem. Everyone in my circle encourages me to keep seeing him!

Not one friend told me "this is wrong."

 

Am i totally blind? Am i just not seeing it? Am i so angry at my friend because I'm doing the same self-destructive thing to myself?

It could be. All I'm saying, Sami, is that I am not better, it's probably a very "cold" thing of me to be able to have an A, and not feel torn or guilty or sad about it.

Maybe deep down inside, I'm a MAN!!!!!

[Sami_D]

But... what is she struggling with..?

 

It's so easy to point the finger and say... that person is cracking up and I don't seem to be.. .but... we're all hanging on to our own versions of something that makes us feel strong... we're not. We're all weak, we're all struggling.

 

You're doing what you do, and feeling 'male' about it, because... that's what makes you feel OK.

 

Doesn't make you better, stronger, weaker, or more anything than anyone else. We're all as weak as each other. We're equipped differently. Different things are easier or harder for each of us. We all choose to see our situations in colours that appeal to us.

 

You're claiming you're 'male'... maybe you're just caving and want to call it something?

[eyeswideshut]

Sami,

 

She doesn't know what she's struggling with. That's just it. when I broke up with my fiance, I went to a therapist, I read books, I meditated, I tried to look inside to see what may issues were. I'm still trying, through meditation and therapy, to understand why I make these decisions, why I feel certain ways.

In her case, she was a people-pleaser. She worked really hard claiming she has two children and she needs to support them. When I suggested therapy, she said: no, I don't have a problem, I just am really tired of working so hard. In my mind, when I saw her spiraling down, I thought, if you have two children, it's your duty to be as healthy as possible to be able to truly support them.

Instead she overworked herself, claiming it was for them, and didn't take care of herself. Now she's turning to drugs and alcohol, and she's not taking care of herself.

I live alone. I don't have the responsibilities or I don't take on more than I should at the expense of my health.

I asked her if she wanted to try meditation. She says she doesn't want to face her issues. Isn't it every human being responsibility to face their issues?? Am i too hard on her? Why can't I understand it?

Why can't i help her?

i took her to yoga class and her cell phone kept ringing, and she left the class to answer it. It was so maddening. She was supposed to do this for herself. She refuses to acknowledge she has issues to deal with, she must have some unconscious issue that prevents her from taking more selfish care of herself. But I don't know, I'm not Mother Theresa. I try to be there for her, but I feel as though I can't help her if she doesn't accept it.