Alexandra-Girl Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Hello, I am new to this forum. This is my first post. I am looking for advice on my current situation from individual's who may have similar situation. Perhaps someone from the "brotherhood". Details: I dated an Officer in the Military a short time ago. The relationship went South. He turned out to be one of the most disappointing relationship's I have yet to encounter. I had decided once the relationship commenced that I would do my best to avoid any *military* relationship. (Yes I am aware this is stereotyping). I have recently developed a friendship with another man who is extremely nice. We have a great time together, he is funny and we are like minded. The problem I am seeking advice on is that I have been notified that he too is a Military serviceman. First, let me state that this alone has made me a little distant. Because this is a new situation for us both, I am hesitant to mention this ex in my past. I am weary that once I raise the issue that I have known another military member who is stationed at the same Base, he will have many questions. This will be awkward to say the least. I know that there is a "brotherhood" in the military. I am pretty sure he would not like to hear my comments on my ex's cowardly behavior. I could be disgracing one of the "brothers". Will this past relationship cause a stickiness to anything new with my friend? Additionally, I have some military stickers on my car that my friend has yet to see (I have always had a different vehicle when seeing him). How would I explain them without opening a can of worms??? Advice would be appreciated, Alexandra
SoleMate Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 If I were you, I would not worry so much about the past, but look ahead to the future. Exactly what is this "can of worms" that you fear? You knew someone - you had some hopes - things didn't work out - end of story. That exact story happens all the time. So what? ...I have been notified that he too is a Military serviceman... "Notified"? You make it sound like someone sent you an Form 1124X, Official Declaration of Military Status. Is this not a fact that was revealed early on in your conversations, as you learned about one another?
Gunny376 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 First ~ as a man ~ its a hard fast rule of mine that I don't discuss past relationships ~ 1. What's in the past is in the past, 2. I always try to walk away from any given situation in life ~ and learn and grow from it, 3. Its been my experience that anything that you say can and will be used against you at some point down the line ~ usually in an argument. 4. Its none of their business ~ its just not. Next ~ I'm retired military ~ and just as in the general population you have all kinds of people ~ such is the miliatry. You're generalizing ~ that "birds of a feather ~ flock together" and this is true. But, just because you've dated one guy that just happened to be in the military ~ that just happened to turn out to be a jerk ~ doesn't not by definition mean that all men in the military are jerks.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I'm prolly gonna get slammed for posting this, but I don't really care I'm just going to tell you my experience. This is only my opinion, I cannot speak for anyone else. I moved to southern Cali after graduating from high school. I lived 30 min from Camp Pendleton, which is a very large marine base. I had no idea of the stereotype when I first moved there. Needless to say, living that close to a base, pretty much every guy you met was a marine. I thought this was kinda cool at first. ALot of handsome, well built men, and plenty to go around!! Perfect right?? Wrong!! Every single marine I hooked up w/stayed in contact w/me for no longer than a few months before "moving on" to the next gal. They didn't want relationships, they knew they would be leaving soon so they just wanted the nooky. I got severally disrespected by a number of them, and finally, found myself pregnant by a marine who dumped me shortly after finding out we were expecting. I'm not just talking about a few guys, Im talking like 13 or so that I met in one year!! After learning the hard way, I started finding out that most women avoided military men and even the men knew they were stereotyped and a few were even embarressed when me and my girlfriends would find out they were military. I finally avoided them altogether. I respect our men and women serving our country! They put their lives on the line for us and alot of them have lost arms and legs and even lives for us. It's really hard for me to understand how such loyal and noble people can have such terrible character flaws.
tinktronik Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I'm prolly gonna get slammed for posting this, but I don't really care I'm just going to tell you my experience. This is only my opinion, I cannot speak for anyone else. I moved to southern Cali after graduating from high school. I lived 30 min from Camp Pendleton, which is a very large marine base. I had no idea of the stereotype when I first moved there. Needless to say, living that close to a base, pretty much every guy you met was a marine. I thought this was kinda cool at first. ALot of handsome, well built men, and plenty to go around!! Perfect right?? Wrong!! Every single marine I hooked up w/stayed in contact w/me for no longer than a few months before "moving on" to the next gal. They didn't want relationships, they knew they would be leaving soon so they just wanted the nooky. I got severally disrespected by a number of them, and finally, found myself pregnant by a marine who dumped me shortly after finding out we were expecting. I'm not just talking about a few guys, Im talking like 13 or so that I met in one year!! After learning the hard way, I started finding out that most women avoided military men and even the men knew they were stereotyped and a few were even embarressed when me and my girlfriends would find out they were military. I finally avoided them altogether. I respect our men and women serving our country! They put their lives on the line for us and alot of them have lost arms and legs and even lives for us. It's really hard for me to understand how such loyal and noble people can have such terrible character flaws.My ex is a Marine .As is my sister and her husband . Its like living near a fraternity , the guys (for the most part) are still partying from their youth .Their not that far from the time they lived with their parents .And there is a certain type that joins the military , not to say all are that way , but a lot of them are . I personally could not live in a military system , but many can .My sister and her husband simply swing with the rest of the officers and their wives .Many of the married military have rampant affairs .And the single guys live by if the military wanted you to have a wife they would issue you one.So for the most part , military service is not a time to settle down with one person , its a time to sow you oats. Notice I said not all, but many.
kitkat826 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I dated a military man for four years. Our relationship ended when he became depressed after his year long tour in Iraq and broke off what was more or less our engagement-without-a-ring. During that time, I came in contact with a LOT of soldiers and their families/wives/girlfriends. First off, I want to state that in most situations, I am very hesitant to generalize. I am a very liberal and openminded person. But what the people have said above is true. There is something about the culture that I would say is especially dysfunctional, even more so than in other social spheres. Infidelity thrives in a way not found in other places. The soldiers are emotionally affectied by their line of work in a way that can make an otherwise healthy relationship simply impossible. In addition, the spouses of soldiers live lives of continually being second best to their solider. Your life revolves around them in a way that doesn't exist anywhere else. You don't say what happened with the other guy, but if it comes up I wouldn't be worried about talking about it. Just because they are military doesn't mean they have a particularly strong bond. Just say you dated a soldier from the same base (and if they're in different units/batallions then chances are they don't even know eachother). If you end up going into details later, I'm sure he'll see it as particular of the relationship and not his military status. If not, well you can talk about how his military status was a part of it and since he should understand, you can laugh and bond over it. Either way, it has more to do with your decision to let that generalization get in the way or not. After my last experience, I figured I would never date a military guy again. Not only did I realize I could never adapt to the lifestyle, but I moved back to CT where they're just aren't any active duty soldiers. I'm currently dating someone who was in the army for six years, and has been out for two. It is the best relationship I have ever been in. I think my experience with the ex helped me understand him much better; what he experienced for a good part of his young adulthood, the situation around his last marriage in divorce, etc. If anything with the current guy is meant to be, then your past experience should assist you instead of being an obstacle or something to be avoided.
SuperMonk Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Only date men that are from the US Navy Seals or some special forces. The US Marines/Army/Navy/etc are not Special. Special forces = 2x more power than the regular military man = 2x less likely they will cheat. They are the best in the world. One Navy Seal can fight off 3 marines, 5 army soldiers, 7 navy sailors. He can do 30 pullups, 100 pushups, 100 situps, 3 mile run, and 30 min of non-stop swimming in just under an hour. Women not allowed in US NAvy Seals, they are unqualified and weak. one US Navy Seal can fight off any random 10-15 women. When a US Navy Seal steps out of his car, the Marine man bows before him.
Walk Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 There's a lot of pressure being a service man or woman. It's a strict lifestyle. It's not a joke when they say if the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife the'd issue you one. Why? Because your ass is owned. When you sign that contract you're no longer human. You're a number, a body. A thing designed to do exactly as told, when you're told. And you're disposable, so if you happen to die a horrible gruesome death... oh well. there's another to take your place. I seriously don't believe relationships and military service mix. Relationships are hard enough without combining in the mind f*** from the govt. And the only way I've seen it work is when both people are mature, confident, and willing to put the abnormally huge amount of effort into keeping that relationship going. There are more issues involved when dealing with someone in the military, then a civilian with a 9-5 office job. From personal experience. There are just as many bad apples in the military as there are in the civilian world. Difference is, these guys have that mystique of the military, great bodies and a sense of confidence that draws most women in. Just take things a lot slower with him then you would if it were a normal relationship. Find out who he is inside, how his military service affects him, how it would affect you if you were in a relationship with him. Don't rest all your past problems on the military. It was that specific guy that didn't work out. So if you mention your past relationship, speak of him in terms of the man he was. Not officer so and so.. but Ken and I .. or my past ex and I had problems because he slept with someone else, or he used to make fun of my life. Unless you were upset by the ex's responsibilities to the military and that is what ruined your relationship, then there's no need to bring up that aspect of your ex's life. If it was the military's demands on the ex, then do bring that up and your concern on how it would affect your current relationship. But only if it pertains. If you live near a military base, chances are he won't question the military stickers. Otherwise, just say you put them on to show your support for the men and women of this country. Just take things a lot slower with this guy. Keep your eyes open, to both positive and negative. Not solely one or the other.
Walk Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Only date men that are from the US Navy Seals or some special forces. The US Marines/Army/Navy/etc are not Special. Special forces = 2x more power than the regular military man = 2x less likely they will cheat. Did you get this from a comic book? You better state your qualifications for spouting this BS.
Author Alexandra-Girl Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 Thank-you for your replies. I have heard both sides of the argument and I will now reflect on the information provided. I understand that I am generalizing military men, but as others have stated this is a common characteristic. We live and learn from past experiences... and unfortunately, these experiences (for many as it sounds) scream *avoid* with a big red flag. The healthy military relationship remains hierarchial and the healthy civillian relationship is balanced. This independent women chooses not accept anything less than balanced. Interestingly, I have been told that the military lifestyle does not mesh well with women/men of a higher education. I am sure this is not to be seen as aristocratic or anything like that here. The military creates such loyal and noble traits in servicemembers towards their country, which are desirable traits. However, the military lifestyle does not reward the servicemember with the independent partner they desire. A women/man who is strong and determined wants to compromise with, not subject themselves to their partner as the military expects. The military lifestyle takes the spouse/partner out of the equation. Thus I hear military servicemembers complaining that they are often left to interact with women/men who will themselves away to subjection and the loss of their independence: which is not the ideal partner the servicemember had dreamt of. It is quite sad when I hear some speak of this longing that goes unfulfilled. Heartbreaking almost. Alexandra.
Walk Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I know a lot of military men feel that almost all women are only gold digging leeches who want the status they get from dating a service member, along with the money and wild times. They start generalizing all women, the same way the above posters generalize the service men, and treat them as they view them. But you should see some of the women that hang around those bases. Nasty. They give women a bad name, and even I (female) was begining to view other women as gross users who wanted a free ride, someone they could leech off of. I think you're decision is wise. Partly because you understand that your views could harm the potential of that relationship, and that your lifestyles probably won't mesh well. And if you have to ask someone else whether you should give someone a shot or not, then it's probably not going to work out. Unless you came to the decision yourself, then you'll never fully give that person a real chance.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I know a lot of military men feel that almost all women are only gold digging leeches who want the status they get from dating a service member, along with the money and wild times. Pfft!! The military guys I met didn't make s***! They were broke as job's turkey Only reason they had money at all to buy nice sports cars was because they lived in the barracks on base and didn't have to worry about rent and utitlities. They start generalizing all women, the same way the above posters generalize the service men, and treat them as they view them. But you should see some of the women that hang around those bases. Nasty. They give women a bad name, and even I (female) was begining to view other women as gross users who wanted a free ride, someone they could leech off of. Yes, the women that hung around the barracks were very cheap and nasty. I remember hearing the guys talk about them when I would be there hanging out w/my baby's biological father. I now wonder if they thought of me that way. I hated hanging around there. Too much testosterone in one building, one very large building!
spazgirl Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Only date men that are from the US Navy Seals or some special forces. The US Marines/Army/Navy/etc are not Special. Special forces = 2x more power than the regular military man = 2x less likely they will cheat. They are the best in the world. One Navy Seal can fight off 3 marines, 5 army soldiers, 7 navy sailors. He can do 30 pullups, 100 pushups, 100 situps, 3 mile run, and 30 min of non-stop swimming in just under an hour. Women not allowed in US NAvy Seals, they are unqualified and weak. one US Navy Seal can fight off any random 10-15 women. When a US Navy Seal steps out of his car, the Marine man bows before him. where the hell did that come from? i'd like to see something concrete to back your bogus statistics but i'm quite confident you can't provide it. everyone knows marines are the best. semper fi, baby! ooh rah!
spazgirl Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Hello, I am new to this forum. This is my first post. I am looking for advice on my current situation from individual's who may have similar situation. Perhaps someone from the "brotherhood". Details: I dated an Officer in the Military a short time ago. The relationship went South. He turned out to be one of the most disappointing relationship's I have yet to encounter. I had decided once the relationship commenced that I would do my best to avoid any *military* relationship. (Yes I am aware this is stereotyping). I have recently developed a friendship with another man who is extremely nice. We have a great time together, he is funny and we are like minded. The problem I am seeking advice on is that I have been notified that he too is a Military serviceman. First, let me state that this alone has made me a little distant. Because this is a new situation for us both, I am hesitant to mention this ex in my past. I am weary that once I raise the issue that I have known another military member who is stationed at the same Base, he will have many questions. This will be awkward to say the least. I know that there is a "brotherhood" in the military. I am pretty sure he would not like to hear my comments on my ex's cowardly behavior. I could be disgracing one of the "brothers". Will this past relationship cause a stickiness to anything new with my friend? Additionally, I have some military stickers on my car that my friend has yet to see (I have always had a different vehicle when seeing him). How would I explain them without opening a can of worms??? Advice would be appreciated, Alexandra i was in a situation a lot like yours only i married my marine. my first husband was a marine; my high school sweetheart as well. we were together for seven years prior to being married but the last three were spent doing the long distance thing. by the time he came back to marry me, we'd grown apart, only i didn't want to accept it so i married him anyway. it wasn't until after we married that i realized it was a big mistake. the love was still there but we were two completely different people and sometimes, in my humble opinion, love just isn't enough when you can't hold a conversation with that person anymore or find mutual areas of interest. anyway, i think i blamed the military for our growing apart and needless to say after the divorce, the military left a bad taste in my mouth. i, as you did, swore i would never date another military man. the funny thing is, it's almost as if fate or God (one or the other) laughed at me because a month after i split from my husband, i met a man that i instantly connected with....and he was a marine. no, i didn't want to date another marine, but this happened when i wasn't even looking to date seriously. strangely enough, that is why i trusted it. to make a long story short. i married marine #2 and we now have a great marriage and an adorable baby girl. so all i'm saying is never say never. you just don't know. as for the military man you dated in the past, forget him and don't worry about that having an effect on your current relationship. the military is huge...they've probably never even laid eyes on eachother before. word to the wise though, if you're not ready for some hard times, don't get involved with the military. my husband is awesome and your guy may be as well, but this life isn't for everyone. it is a big commitment, possibly a 20 yr commitment if your man is going to be career like mine. good luck with everything. hope i was of some help.
kitkat826 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Only date men that are from the US Navy Seals or some special forces. The US Marines/Army/Navy/etc are not Special. Special forces = 2x more power than the regular military man = 2x less likely they will cheat. They are the best in the world. One Navy Seal can fight off 3 marines, 5 army soldiers, 7 navy sailors. He can do 30 pullups, 100 pushups, 100 situps, 3 mile run, and 30 min of non-stop swimming in just under an hour. Women not allowed in US NAvy Seals, they are unqualified and weak. one US Navy Seal can fight off any random 10-15 women. When a US Navy Seal steps out of his car, the Marine man bows before him. Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, and the visual. I think you made my night.
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Only date men that are from the US Navy Seals or some special forces. The US Marines/Army/Navy/etc are not Special. Special forces = 2x more power than the regular military man = 2x less likely they will cheat. They are the best in the world. One Navy Seal can fight off 3 marines, 5 army soldiers, 7 navy sailors. He can do 30 pullups, 100 pushups, 100 situps, 3 mile run, and 30 min of non-stop swimming in just under an hour. Women not allowed in US NAvy Seals, they are unqualified and weak. one US Navy Seal can fight off any random 10-15 women. When a US Navy Seal steps out of his car, the Marine man bows before him. In your dreams Pal!
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I'm prolly gonna get slammed for posting this, but I don't really care I'm just going to tell you my experience. This is only my opinion, I cannot speak for anyone else. I moved to southern Cali after graduating from high school. I lived 30 min from Camp Pendleton, which is a very large marine base. I had no idea of the stereotype when I first moved there. Needless to say, living that close to a base, pretty much every guy you met was a marine. I thought this was kinda cool at first. ALot of handsome, well built men, and plenty to go around!! Perfect right?? Wrong!! Every single marine I hooked up w/stayed in contact w/me for no longer than a few months before "moving on" to the next gal. They didn't want relationships, they knew they would be leaving soon so they just wanted the nooky. I got severally disrespected by a number of them, and finally, found myself pregnant by a marine who dumped me shortly after finding out we were expecting. I'm not just talking about a few guys, Im talking like 13 or so that I met in one year!! After learning the hard way, I started finding out that most women avoided military men and even the men knew they were stereotyped and a few were even embarressed when me and my girlfriends would find out they were military. I finally avoided them altogether. I respect our men and women serving our country! They put their lives on the line for us and alot of them have lost arms and legs and even lives for us. It's really hard for me to understand how such loyal and noble people can have such terrible character flaws. Probally because you were young ~ at the time ~ and they were young ~ at the time.
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Did you get this from a comic book? You better state your qualifications for spouting this BS. Don't stop there! Testify! Tell me how it is! Tell me how you really feel! Hammer ~ nail! You take the meanest, badest, Navy SEAL sitting off the coast of a hostile nation in the cold, wet, bad nasty waters off shore of a hostile nation ~ and he's asking some cook on a submarine to marry him! When the fighter jock got shot out of the skies over Bosnia a couple of years ago and it was Marines that went in and bailed his but out of a jam ~ you can bet your spurs, saddle, and horse he didn't give a damn who they were! Its called "Combined Forces" and its a team effort.
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Per my post name ~ Gunny376 ~ I'm a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant. The hard un-varinshed truth! 1. As a general rule ~ being carrer Marine Corps and marriage ~ don't mix ~ he's married to the Marine Corps wheather he know it yet or not. The MC simply demads too much of him mentally, phsyically, emotionally ~ THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS! 2. MCO ~ 1 (A common joke among Marines) "No Marine more than 50 miles from his permanent duty station is "married" 3. There is such a thing as "Duty Station P******! "Wine them! Dine them! Romance them! etc. This is how I lost my first and only ex-wife to a Marine Lance Corporal ~ I was too devoted to the Corps ~ and she was wanting and needing attention and affection. Whatever?
honeybunch2k5 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Only date men that are from the US Navy Seals or some special forces. The US Marines/Army/Navy/etc are not Special. Special forces = 2x more power than the regular military man = 2x less likely they will cheat. They are the best in the world. One Navy Seal can fight off 3 marines, 5 army soldiers, 7 navy sailors. He can do 30 pullups, 100 pushups, 100 situps, 3 mile run, and 30 min of non-stop swimming in just under an hour. Women not allowed in US NAvy Seals, they are unqualified and weak. one US Navy Seal can fight off any random 10-15 women. When a US Navy Seal steps out of his car, the Marine man bows before him. FYI, US navy seals and US Navy Seabees have some of the highest divorce rates. A guy in the navy told me this. Maybe looks and strength aren't everything...If you want protection try a dog, like a mastiff or a rottweiler. I have dated a lot of military guys, and now I try to avoid them like the plague. To the OP, I don't think you have to tell your new guy anything about your former marine boyfriend.
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