Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 My husband had an affair with a someone (28 year old ) we met about 1 1/2 year ago. I did not know her very well until this past fall. The OW and I became friends, shopping, going out, inviting each others families over for dinner, etc. Both of them admit it was a friendship type thing at first. Someone easy to talk to, someone who listened, someone who cared. My H said she initiated the sex saying they could do it for fun 1 time. the fun lasted another 8 months. The affair was discovered by her husband and he called me. I confronted my husband, who at first denied it (he was out of town when I called him). We later spent 2 days in our room discussing it. I had him tell me everything, from what they talked about, to where they did it, was she good, etc. There was no holding back, he told me everything that i asked. His answers also mirrored what I had asked her when I confronted her. He told me things about our relationship that he was missing and that he was probably getting from her. He said the sex was never a big issue. At first i was devastated. I had uncontrollable crying spells at all hours of the day. I felt dissapointed and betrayed. I was also recovering from a hysterectomy. It has been 3 months and i am finishing up a round of anti-depressents. We are doing fine at this point. We both take time listen to each other, we spend an enormous amounts of time together doing things we used to do all the time. We will be married 27 years this year. (we are both in our 40's) My H said he has always loved me. He said he thought he loved her, but realized it was me he loved and that she was just a facination, a younger woman flattering an older man. He said the big ego thing was a big factor The OW called me the other day to apologize for hurting me and to let me know if she could take it all back she would. She also said that after meeting me she had never met a more sincere, fun and interesting person. She said that our friendship was beginning to mean more to her than her affair with my H. She said hurting me was going to be the worst part of the whole affair. Though this whole thing I have never felt anger towards either of them and have no desire to hate her. Actually I have never hated anyone in my life. I have had a strong dislike for certain people, but have never hated anyone. After reading all of these posts, I feel like there is something wrong with me that I have no anger. My disspointment is fading and I just feel like I have to move forward and not let this become a focal point of my life. Am I crazy to feel like this? Anyone feel like this? any thoughts?
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 If there is no anger, it will come eventually. But if it doesn't, it means that you're more focussed on fixing your marriage, finding out why he felt the need to be with another woman and together, go from there. You ARE a special person to be able to look past this and have insight. To be so understanding. I just hope that you do look into marriage counselling because at some point in time some insecurities could hit you and trust issues with your husband. Maybe right now you're still in shock?? I also hope that you and your husband are no longer speaking to the OW or have any friendship with her or her husband. And - Your husband better be feeling lucky as hell to have a wife like you! I hope he makes it up to you and continues to be open and honest.
Jessie61 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Guest, I don't think there is a rule as to how you MUST feel in a situation like this. WWIU is right; if there is anger there, it will show eventually. But if there genuinely isn't, then why force it? Perhaps the fact that your H was so open about what had been going on once you confronted him has helped? That and all his efforts afterwards and the reassurance that he seems to give you? The fact that he spends so much time with you doing things? And the fact that the OW is gone? From what you are saying, you seem to be doing OK? Am I right? Perhaps you are simply a good person who is willing to forgive - or at least focus on something productive - rather than tearing around the place, smashing up furniture etc? I think you should do what is right for YOU. If you get to a stage where you feel angry, allow yourself to be angry. If you don't, then.... don't! I sincerely hope you and your H get over this!!!
Blind Illusion Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Though this whole thing I have never felt anger towards either of them and have no desire to hate her. Actually I have never hated anyone in my life. I have had a strong dislike for certain people, but have never hated anyone. After reading all of these posts, I feel like there is something wrong with me that I have no anger. My disspointment is fading and I just feel like I have to move forward and not let this become a focal point of my life. Am I crazy to feel like this? Anyone feel like this? any thoughts? Actually, I think it's terribly mature of you in a way. I doubt I would feel that way & I don't think there is anything terribly wrong if you were angry at some point. However, if you could just move forward, then that is great (for you, since prolonged anger often turns to bitterness & that only causes YOU, not them, anguish) I probably would echo WhichWayIsUp's sentiment about not remaining friends with this woman however. Even if you don't have any bad feelings towards her, what exactly is the point? I know people make mistakes but she really didn't endear herself as a friend to you. Not everyone has to remain our friend if a good reason exists for them not to.
Guest Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 Perhaps the fact that your H was so open about what had been going on once you confronted him has helped? That and all his efforts afterwards and the reassurance that he seems to give you? The fact that he spends so much time with you doing things? And the fact that the OW is gone? From what you are saying, you seem to be doing OK? Am I right Maybe right now you're still in shock?? I don't think I am in shock at this point, I don't think I ever was. It does feel as though the black cloud that surrounded me has lifted and I not to sound like a movie cliche', i think sunny days are ahead. I do feel that things are and will work out. I haven't invested 27 years for nothing. But I do see the need for improvement in our relationship. If it had been perfect, this would not have happened. Since finding out, I have read whatever I could concerning marriage infidelity. I find I am not alone and it is comforting to know that others to whom this has happened are and have worked it out and have come to terms. I guess it will take time. Thanks to all who have read and responded.
Chump64 Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Good luck to you. Don't be surprised or concerned if you become angry and have bad feelings toward both of them. It is good to be optimistic, but you also need to ride the wave and experience the feelings. There's no way around the valley; you need to go through it. If you feel no sadness or anger in coming months, you should see a therapist to ask about it. I would, anyway. I found out the details of my husband's 10-year affair on January 6th. My worst days are upon me now, and that started in mid April. It's different for everyone but please know that if you start feeling angry and sad, it is completely normal. I've found that you can hate and love your spouse in the same day - sometimes within the same hour.
target-d Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 sometimes at the same time. Don't TRY to hate, but don't deny any feelings at all, because facing ALL of the feelings will help you grow through this. Like Chump64 said, you need to ride through the valley, and it can be a killer, but don't pretend there exists a bridge. That's only the way to a drop-off. (Sorry for stealing your analogy, Chump, but it was such a good one.)
sylviaguardian Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Hi guest, I wouldn't worry about not hating them. Hate is a totally unproductive emotion and you seem to be concentrating on more productive ways of dealing with it. If it's only been three months though, don't be surprised if your feelings change. When I first found out about my husband's affair i was shell-shocked and needed someone to help me get through it so it turned to the only person available - him. We actually had a really nice time in the few months afterwards. We were very close, very appreciative of our relationship. Later my feelings changed drastically. There is no set path to grief. Everyone will go through different stages at different times. The fact that you have been on anti-depressants will have helped to numb some of your feelings so be prepared when you come off them to look for extra support. I really admire your mature attitude. i have to say that if a friend of mine asked my husband if he wanted to sleep with her 'for fun' then phoned me up to tell me how much she appreciated my friendship, I would be more than a little angry. I really hope you choose not to have any more contact with this person - she sounds extremely manipulative to me. Syl
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