Btrversionofme Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Here I am. New to the sight, after (pathetically?) googling for advice. I will spare ya'll the song and dance and be completely honest. I am in need of some advice from some non-judgemental people. People who I think understand that life and circumstances of other people are hard to judge, and that nothing is black and white. I am mid, 20's attractive, intelligent, and sensitive and have a lot going for me. I have no problems attracting men on my own and have actually tried to maintain dates/ a life outside of my affair. I began working with a man about 7 months ago. It started off a pure friendship, laughter, and a deep connection. His wife left town for what started off as 2 week trip turned into 2 and half months! Our relationship has developed so much while she was gone.. I am sure some of you have had similar experiences. It started out as dinner, drinks, etc... I vowed that I would not continue when she came back and I plan on sticking to my word. Thank God I have close girlfriends and family to support me. I have a weekend planned out with the girls.. I knew this was going to happen and that I would feel this way but I couldn't stay away from the attraction and the connection that I feel when I am with him. He has no children and has been married for 15 years... I am grateful that he has never made any promises to me that he can't keep, he has never told me lies about leaving her. He has been upfront and honest and said that he feels he has to give his marriage a fair shot. I am respectful of this and agree. He has told me that he feels his life has changed after meeting me and is not even sure he can anymore. So, here is my question. Does this get easier? Do these feelings start to subside? I have never been so upset and felt at such a loss for someone. I have also never wanted someone to be happy more than I want him to be happy. Whether it is with her or with me. I can honestly say that if he came to me in 3 months and told me how happy he was my eye would fill with tears of joy. On the flip side I feel so helpless. I have been heartbroken before but a love that someone has lost for you is almost easier to expect than a love that you know exists. It's like I can see it, I can smell it, but I can't quite reach it... As I also work with this man, I see him everyday. What I thought would serve as a comfort tool I can see is quickly turning into a reminder of what we had. How do you guys feel about this? What have I gotten myself into??
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 ... he has never told me lies about leaving her. He has been upfront and honest and said that he feels he has to give his marriage a fair shot. I am respectful of this and agree. He has told me that he feels his life has changed after meeting me and is not even sure he can anymore. So, here is my question. Does this get easier? Do these feelings start to subside? Well from how it appears on the information you give in your post, you have a MM here who is quite happy where he is thank you and has been playing away while his wife was out of town. Is there something wrong with his M? Doesn't sound like he has huge dissatisfaction from what I'm reading here. You ask whether it will get easier... I don't know. I always feel that it's a lot easier to deal with these things if someone is being disingenuous, or misleading, or... well, they don't even have to be all-out disrespectful in any way, but just attempt to use me in however small way. I'm no-one's mug. So... I'd say whether you feel less shattered by this in time depends on whether you can summon up enough common sense to see through what he seems to be telling you ... that he wants you, the young(er) thing at work, to be there for him and make him feel special when his W is away. But that's just cynical old me, perhaps?
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 To be honest I think you involving yourself more and more with him and allowing your feelings to get stronger is a big mistake. The fact too, and Sami touched on this, he seems quite content at home. Unfortunately for you, you filled in his needs while his wife was away and he got lonely. The only way you get let the feelings disappear is to stop seeing him. That means too, you two can't be friends. Once you've crossed that line, it's impossible to be 'friendly' with someone and not have it continue - Maybe not physically, but emotionally, what is going on between you two will still be there. Go read some other threads in this section, see what you're up against. I also have to say, 15 years of marriage is a long time - he loves his wife, he has a history with this woman - Inlaws, extended family, friends, a house, etc., so I'm sure meeting you has brought out some intense feelings, crush-like and sexual - That intensity which is there at the start of all relationships, but fade abit as time and the marriage goes on. It's good that he hasn't made any promises or told you that he loves you. He's feeling something intense, but don't compare it to the love he has for wife - That goes extremely deep. The longer you choose to stay with him, the more you'll want him and put demands on him - That is when things go not so good - The more serious it gets, the worse off you will be. Good luck and I really hope you try to distance yourself from him. You're hurting his wife, their marriage and most of all right now - Yourself.
Author Btrversionofme Posted May 19, 2006 Author Posted May 19, 2006 Thanks for your help! I think this will change things though....I guess I didn't make things clear in my first post. He has made it more than clear to me that he has been unhappy at home for 10+ years. VERY unhappy. This is one of the reasons she was gone for so long. To the point where he sees a therapist, alone. He tells me things that he only tells his Therapist. He has told me that he feels very withdrawn from his wife and does not feel like he can trust her enough to tell her the things that he feels he can tell me.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Sorry to say this, but MOST MM tell their OW that their marriages are in rough shape or have been for quite a while. If he was that miserable before you came into the picture, why didn't he get divorced? Think about it. I'm not saying that he is lying to you - But "BE AWARE" that he 'could' be lying to you to keep you around. Selfishly, ofcourse. I mean, he IS lying to his wife, so don't think he isn't ever lying to you. They sleep in the same bed, so if he tells you they never have sex, I highly doubt that's true. He should be opening up to his wife and telling her how he feels, and discussing things with her - Not you. Sorry to sound harsh, but the more he confides in you and NOT his wife, the less attached he'll be towards her. That's unfair to her. Also, if he is that unhappy in his marriage then he needs time to think and figure out what he wants. IF he is that unhappy, and feels that his marriage isn't working, why not just end it and move on? I'm sure if you ask him that, he'll tell you the timing isn't right, or she's not well, or it's about money.
Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Here I am. New to the sight, after (pathetically?) googling for advice. I will spare ya'll the song and dance and be completely honest. I am in need of some advice from some non-judgemental people. People who I think understand that life and circumstances of other people are hard to judge, and that nothing is black and white. I am mid, 20's attractive, intelligent, and sensitive and have a lot going for me. I have no problems attracting men on my own and have actually tried to maintain dates/ a life outside of my affair. I began working with a man about 7 months ago. It started off a pure friendship, laughter, and a deep connection. His wife left town for what started off as 2 week trip turned into 2 and half months! Our relationship has developed so much while she was gone.. I am sure some of you have had similar experiences. It started out as dinner, drinks, etc... I vowed that I would not continue when she came back and I plan on sticking to my word. Thank God I have close girlfriends and family to support me. I have a weekend planned out with the girls.. I knew this was going to happen and that I would feel this way but I couldn't stay away from the attraction and the connection that I feel when I am with him. He has no children and has been married for 15 years... I am grateful that he has never made any promises to me that he can't keep, he has never told me lies about leaving her. He has been upfront and honest and said that he feels he has to give his marriage a fair shot. I am respectful of this and agree. He has told me that he feels his life has changed after meeting me and is not even sure he can anymore. So, here is my question. Does this get easier? Do these feelings start to subside? I have never been so upset and felt at such a loss for someone. I have also never wanted someone to be happy more than I want him to be happy. Whether it is with her or with me. I can honestly say that if he came to me in 3 months and told me how happy he was my eye would fill with tears of joy. On the flip side I feel so helpless. I have been heartbroken before but a love that someone has lost for you is almost easier to expect than a love that you know exists. It's like I can see it, I can smell it, but I can't quite reach it... As I also work with this man, I see him everyday. What I thought would serve as a comfort tool I can see is quickly turning into a reminder of what we had. How do you guys feel about this? What have I gotten myself into?? I can't wait to hear from you,
orleannaprice Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 If you can honestly say to yourself that you can be happy being the other woman forever and never expect anymore from him, then you will be fine. But when feelings become involved and you become more and more attached, it's hard to let go of something you've invested so much in. It doesn't get easier the longer you continue.
RealityCheck Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 BTR.... You are mid 20's good looking and intelligent AND never married? Hmmm....I would venture to say that you are more infactuated and the chase seems appealing more than anything! I would take this as an experience and continue on your path to higher grounds! Maintain your vivacious spirit and let go of "Ego" in a sense of questioning your own "Self Power". Hell! You go and live Girl and let your "Ego" fly in a world of "unattached"! Much, much more in the offering!
Sami_D Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Thanks for your help! I think this will change things though....I guess I didn't make things clear in my first post. He has made it more than clear to me that he has been unhappy at home for 10+ years. VERY unhappy. This is one of the reasons she was gone for so long. To the point where he sees a therapist, alone. He tells me things that he only tells his Therapist. He has told me that he feels very withdrawn from his wife and does not feel like he can trust her enough to tell her the things that he feels he can tell me. I'd be very careful. All I am seeing here is a MM complaining about his home life and how misunderstood he is... OF course he's going to say that... how else can he justify seeing you..? My gut feeling is that all he is doing here is paving the way for you to be his woman on the side. Do you feel there is more to it than that..?
Jessie61 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Sorry to say this, but MOST MM tell their OW that their marriages are in rough shape or have been for quite a while. If he was that miserable before you came into the picture, why didn't he get divorced? Think about it. Btrversionofme, I think WWIU may have a point here... I suspect that very few MM's would seriously consider leaving the W for the OW (never mind actually doing it!) unless he has been very unhappy in his M and thought about it before the OW enters the scene. In this scenario, you only know what you are told. You have not spend much time with him while the W has been around? So you can't gauge for yourself if what he says is true. And if he really was that miserable for the last 10 years or so, why did he not divorce? Didn't you say that there are no kids...? If I were in your shoes I would be very careful... In any event, I wish you all the best!
Author Btrversionofme Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 Thanks everyone for your help. He confided in me this morning.He said he had a completely awful weekend. I wanted to shake him and say, " WHY THE f*** DON'T YOU LEAVE HER??" How can you live so miserably? I just don't get it. I am going to confront him this afternoon and tell him that I can't do this to myself anymore. I am going to tell him that he is not giving his marriage a fair chance if we continue to talk on the phone and over email outside of work. That way if he wants to be miserable than he can be it alone. I can't be involved in that part of his life anymore. It's not my job. If he leaves her, we can talk.
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I am going to tell him that he is not giving his marriage a fair chance if we continue to talk on the phone and over email outside of work. That way if he wants to be miserable than he can be it alone. I can't be involved in that part of his life anymore. It's not my job. If he leaves her, we can talk. Good plan. Stick to it, and don't let him fudge the issue!
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