What would you think ?

[Repent]

Hi

I will make this one short because I’m at work

My wife became friends with this person at her job that I did not approve of.

This girl was real trash. I told her I did not like this girl but that

was not a good enough reason for her to back off.

A while back ago I went to my wife’s job and noticed that

my wife was taking her wedding ring off at work.

When I ask her why, she denied it, I saw it with my own

2 eyes, No wedding band, then she put her hand in her

pocket and whala the ring appeared.

She denied and denied and denied it.

Then she admitted that she took it off but did not know why.

Then she denied and denied and denied that she did it, after

she admitted that she was taking it off.

Then she said she did it because she was insecure. ?????

She has been giving me all kinds of reasons why she did it,

The last one was that she was taking the ring off because

she was working out.

In the 25 years that we have been together I have done so much

for her and her family. At the age of 17 I would go to her house

and buy food for them because her dad was boozing up all his pay.

I am now 42 and very exhausted.

She was sick since we dated and very sick

several years ago. I took care of her and did what I had to do as a

husband and father to my (3) boys.

Now I ask, Am I asking too much of her to come clean with me ?

Divorce is knocking on my door and she thinks I’m bluffing.

I will fight her to the end for my boy’s, because no other man will

fill my shoes when it comes to them.

Once I file I will not look back.

This one of many things she had done.

The answer to Most of her others actions is, I cant remember that.

I will try to add more when I can, then I will let her read this post.

 

Please post how you would feel if you were my place.

She thinks I should just forget everything like it never happened.

[JadeStar]

This girl at her work that you don't approve of, do you think she has some kind of influence over your wife? Do you feel thats why she took her ring off? If shes insecure then that needs to be addressed. Of course she wants you to forget it, she doesn't want to deal with it. I would suggest you mention marraige couseling to her. You all need to get to the bottom of whats going on and why she feels insecure. Do you think she would be willing to go? Tell her you feel that a 3rd party would help you all and bring to the surface on how to deal with things, before your marriage falls by the way side even more.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Bryanp]

I think this is a very bad sign. She continues to tell you that she cannot remember why she does these things and does not know why. This is all bulls***. She knows exactly why. She chooses to do things like take off her wedding ring and continues to lie about it. It seems clear she cannot come up with a justification for her actions so she says she not know why. This is pathetic. She hangs with a trashy girlfriend and now seems to be trying to show people that she is availiable. If the roles were reversed and you were hanging out with a single guy who is a real player, and started taking off your wedding ring and then told her you don't know why you were doing this; do you honestly believe that your wife would accept this? You said that there are other things. If she continues to do things that continues to disrespect you and your marriage and refuses to be honest with you, then she is sending you a clear message how she feels about you and your marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[Repent]

If shes insecure then that needs to be addressed.

thank you for your reply

 

To say that she was insecure was a desperate attempt to blame me.

I don’t hang out or go drinking with my friends because I don’t have any.

I gave all my friends up when I got married. I am a family man and they are

always with me. Hell I can’t step out of the house without them tagging along.

So she always knows where I am.

I also let her go out to the movies with her friend (So that’s where she said they were going)

She had her freedom, Nothing to feel insecure about

[JadeStar]

Her saying shes insecure might very well be an excuse or justifcation for her for whatever shes doing. Do you notice her acting weird at home to or just when you saw her ring off at her work? Any other signs going on? Of course her ring off is a big red flag something is up.

[ridingthebulls]

i got ya. i know what its like to not approve of your partners friends. she might be of some influence and no, its ridiculous that being attached to a man is making her feel insecure??????? i dont get that bs, because thats what it is=bs

[Ladyjane14]

I also let her go out to the movies with her friend (So that’s where she said they were going)

She had her freedom, Nothing to feel insecure about

 

You "let her go out to the movies with her friend"?

 

That sounds fairly controlling to me. She's a grown woman, right? And you're her husband not her daddy. So, why are you giving her permission to go the the movies with a friend? The marriage certificate isn't a Bill of Sale afterall.

 

You know, I've been married about as long as you have. And over the course of a long-term relationship, there have been lots of times my husband has had friends that I didn't approve. There have also been times when he didn't approve of my friends either.

 

There are times too when I don't wear my wedding ring. I ususally don't wear it in the summertime at all. I'm working out of doors quite frequently and my hands get dirty and sometimes swell a little in the heat. Heck, not having my ring on doesn't make me any less married. It doesn't matter if it's on there or not...I still KNOW I'm married. That's the important bit. Because it's not like some guy is going to carry me off without my permission, all because I didn't have my ring on.

 

You're facing a critical adjustment phase in marriage anyway. There's a bit of a transition for both of you as you move towards midlife. This is a time when alot of marriages fail, because one or both partners doesnt exercize understanding for the other. Chest-thumping won't get you too far towards the goal of emotional intimacy. It's only going to make your wife feel controlled and pushed.

 

The alternative action you could take would be to improve the nature of your relationship so that your wife is coming to YOU with her problems and insecurities. When the two of you are talking and sharing in an emotionally close and intimate way, there's no need for resentments to build up or for anyone to 'act out' on those resentments.

[Guest]

Sorry I have not posted to your replies

but a lot has happened since then,

My wife’s father has passed away.

I did take a quick look and realized

that it didn’t take long for someone to

try to make it seem that I’m some sort

of control freak. I did say that I had to make it

short because I was at work. I’m not a control freak

It just a poor choice of wording.

I can't do this at

home because my wife will be standing over

me reading all that I am typing. What I wanted to say

was that I didn’t make it an issue when she went to

the movies with her friend . But I must say this, when you

choose a partner you should respect their feelings especially

if the partner has express their concerns. I must say

Ladyjane that in trying to turn the spot light on me

you have described my wife.

I have done nothing but welcome all of her friends

with open arms both male and female. But I on the other

hand have problems if I have any kind of conversation with

any female because she will put on a face and they will ask me

what’s wrong with her. Oh when I say have a conversation

it’s Hi, How are you ( bla bla bla), and it will be a neighbor or

the girl that serves me coffee every morning at Mc Donalds.

My neighbor once told me that she didn’t want to talk to me

because my wife might find out.

 

Ladyjane, I have one question for you

If your H ask you why are you not wearing your wedding ring

would you be honest with him or lie?

If you go back and read my post my wife denied it,

then admitted that she did it then denied it once again.

 

Thank you for your replies.

 

Well I have to go back to work now, But I will be back

[Repent]

Sorry I have not posted to your replies

but a lot has happened since then,

My wife’s father has passed away.

I did take a quick look and realized

that it didn’t take long for someone to

try to make it seem that I’m some sort

of control freak. I did say that I had to make it

short because I was at work. I’m not a control freak

It just a poor choice of wording.

I can't do this at

home because my wife will be standing over

me reading all that I am typing. What I wanted to say

was that I didn’t make it an issue when she went to

the movies with her friend . But I must say this, when you

choose a partner you should respect their feelings especially

if the partner has express their concerns. I must say

Ladyjane that in trying to turn the spot light on me

you have described my wife.

I have done nothing but welcome all of her friends

with open arms both male and female. But I on the other

hand have problems if I have any kind of conversation with

any female because she will put on a face and they will ask me

what’s wrong with her. Oh when I say have a conversation

it’s Hi, How are you ( bla bla bla), and it will be a neighbor or

the girl that serves me coffee every morning at Mc Donalds.

My neighbor once told me that she didn’t want to talk to me

because my wife might find out.

Ladyjane, I have one question for you

If your H ask you why are you not wearing your wedding ring

would you be honest with him or lie?

If you go back and read my post my wife denied it,

then admitted that she did it then denied it once again.

 

Thank you for your replies.

Well I have to go back to work now, But I will be back

[Ladyjane14]

Ladyjane, I have one question for you

If your H ask you why are you not wearing your wedding ring

would you be honest with him or lie?

 

Well, I'd eventually be honest with him, of course.... but not before I made fun of him for being a weiner.

 

Like I said before, I'm married. That means that if I have my ring on or if I don't have my ring on, I'm STILL married. I'm a grown woman, and if I want to take off my jewelry, that's what I'm going to do. I'm not some kind of ninny who's going to be led off by a strange guy just because my husband's territory wasn't clearly marked.

 

And it would be less than wise of my husband to accuse me of any kind of perfidy unless he's got some proof of it, particularly when I already KNOW that I'm innocent.

 

There are ALOT of reasons why your wife wouldn't want to wear her ring. Some of them are completely innocent and some aren't, that's true. But unless you've got better evidence of wrong-doing than what you've posted here..... I'd say you're probably over-reacting.

 

Good luck with your situation.

[Owl]

LJ-

 

Not often that you and I don't completely agree, but I'm a little curious on this one.

 

What possible reasons could his wife have for not wearing her wedding band at work, then sneak it back on and lie to him about it repeatedly that AREN'T clear danger signs to the marriage? What benign reasons could she have for that action?

 

Now, realize that my job required me to remove my wedding ring for many many years...I did electronics, and it's a clear safety hazard to wear a ring...I HAVE seen one melt and sever a guy's finger. But my wife always knew that this is why I didn't have it on at work...and like you, I was very clearly married.

 

Bluntly...if my wife went out somewhere (she doesn't work) and I saw that she wasn't wearing her ring, I too would ask why.

 

But she's lied about it to him...and then tried to go back and create reasons why she did it. Big red flags, IMVHO.

[whichwayisup]

She is lying. No doubt about it. Either to make it "look" like she's available so she can get attention while out with her friends, (you said she's insecure, so maybe she needs that extra attention from men to make her feel good or she IS crossing the line while out.

 

You have every right to be upset by this and you deserve answers. No matter what, she has to be honest with you.

 

Now I ask, Am I asking too much of her to come clean with me ?

Divorce is knocking on my door and she thinks I’m bluffing.

I will fight her to the end for my boy’s, because no other man will

fill my shoes when it comes to them.

Once I file I will not look back.

This one of many things she had done.

 

Give her the choice. Live your life as you are living so now, and suffer the consquences or come with me to marriage counselling and fix whatever it is that needs fixing.

She needs to get her priorities straight! You and the kids should be #1 on her list, not 2nd or 3rd. Seems partying it up and being with friends that are not a good influence on her has taken over.

[Ladyjane14]

LJ-

 

Not often that you and I don't completely agree, but I'm a little curious on this one.

 

The OP asked me what I'd do in my personal situation, and I'm just telling him. My husband knows better than to cast aspersions on my character without better proof than if I'm wearing my wedding ring or not. So... yeah, in that position, I'd use humor to diffuse the situation, but if I suspected my husband was serious, I'd consider it as an accusation and treat it accordingly.

 

What possible reasons could his wife have for not wearing her wedding band at work, then sneak it back on and lie to him about it repeatedly that AREN'T clear danger signs to the marriage? What benign reasons could she have for that action?

 

She might just be messing with his head.

I have a friend whose husband cheated on her and then got all paranoid that she'd have a revenge affair. For the longest time, she was erasing her cell phone call log just because she knew he was checking it... and for NO OTHER REASON. Some people don't play.

 

Like I said, there are alot of possible reasons why the OP's wife might act like she did. Cheating is only ONE possibility. I just think it's a mistake to convict without proof. (De ja vu ....I think I've been here before! ... )

 

Putting divorce on the table after a 20+ year marriage. based on one "trashy" friend and one weird incident seems like a bit of overkill to me.... particularly when you've got kids to raise.

[logan]

I have read your posts and they sound so similiar to what a friend is going through. His wife is very controlling. Female neighbors will not talk to him for fear of her reactions. He has 3 sons and puts up with her behavior for them. His wife was also very sick and he was with her through all of it. He took time off of work to be with her. She has recovered (approx. 6 years ago) She treats him very unfairly as well. I have talked to him frequently about his problems and he has mentioned things she will do that raises red flags. As far as the wedding ring thing. I know if it was me and I would not wear my ring for whatever reason and was questioned about it. If there was nothing to be concerned about I would be honest. The fact that she denied it raises a question as to WHY. I question why if she is insecure would taking off the wedding ring help that feeling. You probably should start concentrating on yourself and how you feel. I say this because I see what this has done to my friend and it is such a waste to a very nice person. Good Luck

[Repent]

Thank you all for your replies

 

Well, I'd eventually be honest with him, of course.... but not before I made fun of him for being a weiner.

 

 

LadyJane, I got a giggle from the first part of your post.

Even though I think you really meant that.

 

Let put aside the fact that she took her ring off.

Then what reason would she have to lie about it ?

 

LJ, you said "She might be messing with his head"

If she thinks that I need that drama in my life then you have proven that is a sick person. NO ONE NEEDS THAT

She also knows that I have not cheated. IN one of her attempt to justify any of her actions she went through all my files looking for my passwords

to anything that I had. Well she found them checked everything and got

nothing. I have an extra e-mail account that she was aware of and that is

where a lot of spam mail goes. When I found out what she did I told her

she should have asked me for the password and I would have given it to you to save her some time.

I went to her job and found our wedding picture hidden behind all her other pictures of her friends and family (not visible). Now the tables turn

She had a hot-mail account and I asked if I can e-mail someone

from that account she didn’t know how to answer me, so one

of the girls in her office saw the panicked look on

her face and got up and said "oh thats my hot mail account"

now they both had that Deer in the head light look on their face .

 

I will tell you about another thing that happened

at the same time period she had this friend of hers.

About 8:30 pm night the phone rang at home and I answered it, some

guy asked for my wife (Just to let you know she works for a College)

when I asked who was I speaking with he said I go to (BLABLA ) College

(I don’t want to give the name of the college) so I gave her the phone

and she went to the other room to talk. She had that surprised look on her face when she heard that person on the phone.

When she was done I asked her who was that on the phone and she did

not answer. I gave it some time and asked once more, then she paused

and said it was one of the Deans that wanted to ask her a question.

So I asked, What did he need to know at 8:30 pm that night that could not wait till the next morning? She did not answer.

I think that if it were a Dean, when asked who was I speaking with he would reply it Dean (then his name)

Not I go to (BLABLA ) College.

Now she cant remember that phone call, Or who it was or what it was about. Like it never happened.

 

That insecure thing is nonsense, that was a shot in the dark for her and it didn’t work. She knows where I am all the time and I don’t have any friends so I don’t go to bars or hang out. Sometimes I think that is what she is missing in her life someone to treat her like crap and give her the reasons to do what she does.

And that’s not me.

[Bryanp]

She is playing you for a fool. All the classic signs of a cheater are showing. I think she is probably already engaged in an affair. I would have a friend check on her and see if she is going to lunch with some guy. How insulting to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[Ladyjane14]

She is playing you for a fool. All the classic signs of a cheater are showing. I think she is probably already engaged in an affair. I would have a friend check on her and see if she is going to lunch with some guy. How insulting to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

Why is it Bryanp, that you only seem to reply to threads on female infidelity or suspected female infidelity?

 

Based on Repent's first couple of posts.... all I'm saying is that we don't KNOW what's going on yet. They've got a long-standing marriage, and it seems to me that until the facts come to light.... maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

Like I said earlier, Repent... as far as the ring goes, there are all sorts of possible reasons. Infidelity is one, spite is another.... just plain old 'not liking you right now and wishing she was single' is even a possibility. But like you said, when we take that out of the equation, she's still acting a little weird.

 

While I don't believe you have enough evidence to make assumptions or accusations.... perhaps you DO have enough evidence to justify further investigation. You can't solve a problem until you've identified it, right? The problem with "investigating" your partner is that it's a double-edged sword. Sometimes, you'll hear things that hurt your feelings when you eavesdrop. Women have a tendancy to let off steam with their girlfriends and say more than they strictly mean. So, think it over carefully before you proceed.

 

There are all sorts of investigative methods you might consider. The simplest and least invasive is to request detail records on your cell phone. If your name is on the account, you can usually set that up online. You'll also want to take a thorough look at your bank statements. Cheaters tend to use cash, but occasionally one will slip up and use the credit card.

 

More invasive methods would be things like putting a keylogger on her computer, or a voice activated recorder or GPS module in her car. You can also tap the phone lines in the house if you have an extension she doesn't check on. (Bear in mind that in most states, it's illegal to tape record conversations without the other person's knowledge. ) You could even hire a PI.

 

Cheaters will lie until the truth is rubbed on their nose. Even after they're busted, they might tell you some... but they won't tell you all. If you want to know the truth, you're probably going to have to uncover it for yourself. And should it turn out that your wife is innocent, she's not going to take kindly to having her integrity questioned. So, proceed with care.

[Repent]

This the way I see it

When your with someone for so long

and you see a change in that person all that you can

do at that moment is ask them questions.

If all the answers you get are lies then all you have is a reason to suspect.

If she don’t feel that I have earned the right to be answered with truth

Then I must seek peace of mind somewhere else.

I am a person that refuse to lie and hate to be lied to. I lie is a cover-up

Lying is done with words and also with silence and I got both.

A little rule that I go by :

Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said.

A friend of hers once told me that I don’t deserve what I’m getting.

I was told that after I asked her if my wife was messing around

with someone.

Because of the time I have to post, I can only give little bits of my situation

But I must say that I totally appreciate all of the replies from everyone.

I have a new name but I have but have been around the LS for a while.

I have read many post and also shared LS with my wife

I have mentioned to my wife that was going to post and she didn’t think

it was a good idea. So stepped away from LS for a while.

LJ I know where your going, The years invested is too long to just walk

away but there is the issue that she lied many times over to cover up something, and to know that she succeeded will make easier for her to do it again.

If I had to choose between telling the truth or losing my family then a

family man I will remain. I gave her that choice and she has chosen the other.

[joeyr812]

Repent....best wishes. I think all of the responses have valid points.

 

My observation....and I can't learn everything about 25 years from what I just read, is that there is A LOT of built up stuff here. The story about the ring....maybe it was the last straw, but it seems to be blown out of proportion. Maybe she had the ring off for some reason, but maybe she lied as a reaction to your reaction. Maybe she thought you were accusing her of something. Maybe it was just harmless, and that's why she doesn't remember. Maybe there's a lot more to it. Don't let it crush you. Don't make life decisions on it. be careful....your reactions could be driving her reactions.

[Repent]

Hi, Joeyr812

My response was just a simple question to her.

I am not a hot head. As a matter of fact I waited

until we were alone and did not make it an issue in front

of her friends. To some removal of a wedding band at work

(Unless it’s a hazard to have it on) is not a normal thing.

That ring symbolize your commitment someone, yes you know

that your married but those that are looking don’t.

Isn’t it funny when I hear people talk and they ask the other one

"Did you see a ring on (his or hers) finger ? I guess it is important after all.

But as I have described in my post , she denied it over and over

then she admitted she did it the denied it again. That in itself

warrants concerns. We all have different tolerance levels and values.

You are correct when you say that the removal of the ring

along with the phone call, and other things that I have not posted yet

has crushed me. At one job that she had she would talk about

this one guy that he was good looking and wanted to be a model

she spoke about him a lot. One day I left work early and went home.

Well guess who was sitting in my livingroom when I walked through

the door ? She did not tell me that he was coming over because she

did not expect me to be coming home that early. This was during

our early years of marriage. But the big TRUST came into play.

So I let it go. From that point on she realized that she can get away

with things, But those rules were not the same for me. I asked her if

I have had a girl over when she wasn’t there would it be ok.

She did not like that. I had told her that since she thought that it was no big deal

I would do to her the same that she does to me. Well get this,

She told me that I was not type of person and I should not do that.

I guess it is a big deal.

It’s a Do what I say not what I do kind of thing.

Well got to go, will be back soon

Thank you for your reply

[AManWithTroubles]

First I'll comment on the ring. I am a male, married. I often take my ring off, and I just work on computers. I'll hang it on my keychain, or set it on my desk. It does not take away from the fact that I am married. I find that when I am keying, the ring rubs on my other fingers, making it uncomfortable. Sounds petty, right? Well, I even take my watch off while using my computer. I hate jewelry, because I find it binding, just gets in the way. Sometimes I forget that I have it off, and I may put it back on weeks later. In that timeframe, did I cheat on my wife? Not once. Also, when the weather gets warmer, the ring really tightens up on my finger and makes it itch. I don't know; I just kinda don't like jewelry, at all.

 

But, as for the phone call, and the hotmail account. Sounding fishy now. My wife walks out of the room though, even if she talks to her mother, but the part where he said he goes to college, yet it's the dean? Time to start looking into things a bit more. Look for other signs, or dive right into the spying phase, such as a PI, if you have the cash. Or just plain ol' personal spying.

 

Good luck to you, honestly, I hope you find nothing, it's easier on you that way.

[Repent]

I see your point but if that was the issue with my wife

then it is as sample as saying so. She have never

mentioned that wearing it was a discomfort to her.

She uses the computer at home and keeps her ring on.

She wears it at home and on the weekends without any problems.

What reason do you think she would lie about it if it were

that simple?

I your wife asked you why you took your ring off would lie to her ?

I don’t think you would unless you had something to hide.

Some people don’t see anything wrong but they are not looking

at what happened after. The lies the change of stories as to why

she did it. Desperate attempt to blame me by saying she was insecure.

I gave her everything a faithful husband can give. From nights sleeping

at the hospital with her when she was sick to taking care of her at home.

I have never strayed and she knows that.

Only we know our S/O well enough to tell something is wrong

when we see a certain change in the way they act.

When I asked her questions she could not look at me

Her answers to everything was I can’t remember that.

Those are signs.

Thank you