Iwanttohope Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I agree... In order for NC to really, truly work, you MUST believe that it is absolutely the best thing for YOU to do. It is incredibly difficult, and I had failed every time until now. But, like Sami, I was in such a state of agitation, NC is a RELIEF for me in comparison to the swinging emotions I felt while in contact with him. I was literally spinning my wheels... NC works IF you desire it. If you really and truly are doing it for YOU, it will get easier as you get your strength back. Sami and I are living proof of it. I vascilate between relief and feeling broken with grief. I know in my heart its the right thing for me and the ONLY way to retain my dignity and self respect. My nails have finally grown out again (hadn't been a nail biter until this relationship) and my hands no longer tremble. I think NC can absolutely work even when you have periods of intense pain...I have to believe that NC can really, truly work even when my emotions vascilate or I wouldn't have any reason to hope or continue with NC. I hope my weakness showing through on this site isn't conveying that I don't think its the absolute right thing for me. I do believe it is. The fact is that I miss him very much and this is my safe place to "rail at heavens gates" about it...
Walking away Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 We are here for you. I know it is hard....like clawing your way out of a dark hole. I have been there. But, it WILL get easier. Ask Sami, and ask me, and anyone else who really stuck with the NC. Rage all you want to us. That is what we are here for. Hugs WA
aktieb0cka Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 So... anyway, what I'm trying to say is... NC is incredibly difficult. And unless you're really ready, really need it, and really know it's the absolutely right thing to do I don't think (m)any of us could stick to it. Sami, I am just curious, you feel that some of our relationships with MM do not need to end in N/C? Is that because of the difficulty in it?
aktieb0cka Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I agree... In order for NC to really, truly work, you MUST believe that it is absolutely the best thing for YOU to do. It is incredibly difficult, and I had failed every time until now. But, like Sami, I was in such a state of agitation, NC is a RELIEF for me in comparison to the swinging emotions I felt while in contact with him. I was literally spinning my wheels... NC works IF you desire it. If you really and truly are doing it for YOU, it will get easier as you get your strength back. Sami and I are living proof of it. Hugs WA WA and Sami, I am assuming that your first attmepts of N/C you were not doing it for yourself, but rather to make a point to MM. Do you think that is why it failed? It seems that since you have now done it for yourselves, you are more successful. Were you agitated because you knew that in order for you to get over this experience you could not talk to MM anymore? It is extremely hard to end any relationship. Was there sadness that this was the end or was there relief that you knew you were on a new road of life?
aktieb0cka Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 aktieb0cka... it's my first real attempt at NC. Our contact has never really had any regularity, so I'm not sure what he'll interpret this "spell" as. Going on day 9 though & feeling OK about it. Not great... but OK. Neither of us is "quiet"... we're both pretty social & gregarious. That's sort of been a blessing for me b/c I've been able to keep my mind off it.My MM too would not respond to e-mails/text messages/etc for a few days and would then wait until he saw me in person to address EVERYTHING in them. And like yours -- he's remembered little things about me and also about he & I's relationship (like specific conversations we had 8-9 months ago) that I never would've guessed he would've remembered. I guess they do care and do pay attention a little more than we think.At this point, I hope the NC works - for both of our sakes. If I have to talk to him this week for work, I can't really avoid that... but I'm trying to make sure I can be firm with him if he tries to take it out of the professional context. It'd be great to be able to be "just friends" with him... but obviously that's going to be pretty difficult at this point. It's a shame too - because I think we could've been great friends had we not taken it down the road we did. Anyway, I'm trying to focus my efforts on improving myself and - peripherally - finding someone single to devote some energy to (even on a friendship level). I'm hoping that MM will attempt to work on his marriage. He's said he's tried before but always seems to fall back into the cheating route (separated for 2 6mo periods in their not-even-5yr marriage). He was just "reunited" with his wife after a separation when this thing with he & I began (we started getting close while they were separated). I hope he's strong enough to either make a concerted effort to make it work with his wife or to leave on the best terms possible for his kids. Who knows... I guess time will tell.Get I wish you luck, my friend!! It seems that we have many similarities. Why is that we have to initiate the N/C? I guess part of me thinks that he was the initiator. But I will never know. It was weird today, but I had transfered all of my shared responsiblities to another girl in the office. She knows what happened with us. I call her the "cheerleader of doom", because she and her BF encouraged us straight down to hell. A couple of weeks ago, I sent MM an email stating that he needed to forward emails to her for now on because I was no longer involved with that task. She called him today and she said that he had mentioned that he would only forward the email to her. She said he was kinda weird when he said it. I then told her that I guess that he knows that I am avoiding him and I was intentionally doing this. Part of me felt that he was avoiding me, so I don't know what the hell the problem is.
Walking away Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 My previous attempts at NC were half hearted at best. I wanted HIM to change his direction, and I wasn't really prepared to deal with the end within my heart. My HEAD was in the right frame of mind, but my heart couldn't let go. So, either he or I failed at the NC attempts. And, somewhere inside of me, I WANTED him to contact me. He was my "fix." It took me awhile to realize that I couldn't change him, but I could certainly change myself. I decided to take control of MY life even though his life was spinning out of control and with it, he was taking me. In addition, the pain was so extreme at the end, and when he would contact me, I would feel good for a very short time, then the pain would set in almost immediately. And, I despised my weakness. I would NEVER put up with what I put up with if he were a single guy. And, it was so not like me to stand by and wait for a man to decide whether he wanted to be with me. It just had never been my style. And, I never before waited on a man. In fact, the opposite occured....until I found myself in this situation. This time I did NC for ME. To alleviate MY pain, and to take care of MYSELF. He wasn't there to help me, to pick me up, to reassure me....nothing. So, I had to pick myself up by the bootstraps and dust myself off and move on. My heart finally caught up with my head. It didn't matter, really, how he felt about NC...I was finally doing this for ME and my sanity. And, I have absolutely no regrets. I feel better than I have in months. It really did me no good to know the sordid details of his marriage and attempts at saving it....it just was like a knife in my heart. So, I finally asked myself WHY was I choosing the path that was causing me excruciating pain? And WHY was I settling? I had never settled before in my life! I used to just shake my head and ask myself..."Where is the WA that I know?" Most people would choose the path of least pain and I finally realized that, in THIS situation, him OUT of my life was healthier and less painful than him IN my life. I have never been a woman who has been second best nor will I ever be again. Now, at the end, there was sadness, but there was also relief. Looking back, I believe I did alot of grieving WITHIN the relationship....so I had a headstart, so to speak, on the grief process. In addition, my morality was not being compromised any longer and I could look at myself and LIKE what I saw. And, his feelings for me right now don't really matter. It was time for me to worry about ME, not him. For if he really TRULY loved me as much as he says he does....he would be here. The only reason he misses me...IF he misses me.... is because he is choosing, everyday, to be without me. That is his choice. And now NC is MY choice. I made the right choice. I just wish I had made it earliier.
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 Sami, I am just curious, you feel that some of our relationships with MM do not need to end in N/C? Is that because of the difficulty in it? After a long time of reading about affairs I am pretty much with Old Europe... that if he is to LEAVE his M, then you probably do have to go NC. I didn't want to do it, and I didn't want to believe it, but there it is.
Walking away Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I second that, Sami. I agree with you and Old Europe 100%.
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 WA and Sami, I am assuming that your first attmepts of N/C you were not doing it for yourself, but rather to make a point to MM. Do you think that is why it failed? It seems that since you have now done it for yourselves, you are more successful. Were you agitated because you knew that in order for you to get over this experience you could not talk to MM anymore? It is extremely hard to end any relationship. Was there sadness that this was the end or was there relief that you knew you were on a new road of life? For me, I went NC the first time because I was following advice from this site. MM had told me he would leave, and then went back on it saying he couldn't. People here told me that the only thing I could do would be NC. They were saying it because they thought I should end the R with him, and as a side effect of that he MAY come back to me. His view at that time was that it would make him leave. Unfortunately I couldn't stick to it because I didn't think he was ready to leave. Not sure I can explain it, but I thought that NC then would be forcing him in some way and I may have lived to regret it. He said that was nonsense! Anyway, because of my many, many fears and uncertaintly back then (last October) I couldn't stick to it and caved after 2 weeks and 3 days. He said I hadn't given him enough time. I failed back then because of my own doubts. This time we've gone NC (his idea as much as mine) because while he says he IS now ready to leave, he says my being there for him and being sympathetic and understanding was actually delaying his action and making him less likely to take the plunge. So, this time, I think he's ready, and not only that, my health had suffered terribly by all the stress of waiting and uncertaintly. So NC is actually a relief to my nerves. Even though I miss him terribly, I know that this is the right thing for both of us, so I feel (more or less) optimistic... on my good days. I still worry that it won't 'work' in terms of him leaving. I would be OK with that if I thought I could go back to being his OW and try to support him while his children grow up (they're the reason he's agonised about the separation). But I know that my health won't stand it. So sad as I am about it I know that whatever happens, whether he does or doesn't leave, I must stick to NC. That makes it very hard.
aktieb0cka Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 WA, Thanks for posting that. It is extremely helpful. I truly understand everything that you wrote and I feel that, just as you, I want to initiate N/C for the same reasons as you did. [FONT="]I just want to make sure that I am in the right state of mind[/FONT]
aktieb0cka Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 that if he is to LEAVE his M, then you probably do have to go NC. I just want to double check this: you feel that you should initiate N/C even thought he leaves his W and the M?
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I just want to double check this: you feel that you should initiate N/C even thought he leaves his W and the M? No, I meant that, if you want him to leave, the only way it will happen is if you go NC. There's no guarantee, of course. He'll only leave if he already wanted to and something (you being there for him!) is holding him back.
aktieb0cka Posted May 26, 2006 Posted May 26, 2006 No, I meant that, if you want him to leave, the only way it will happen is if you go NC. There's no guarantee, of course. He'll only leave if he already wanted to and something (you being there for him!) is holding him back. I understand you now. Thanks
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