Gail07 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. Stumbled upon it looking for answers to my own sad situation. My MM and I were found out 2 weeks ago by his W. Long story short...his W suspected something, hacked into his "what he thought was secret" e-mail address, and found all the increminating information she needed. He confessed, then told her he was in love with me, but would end it and try to make their marriage work. He has lots of family pressures from his father (a minister) and her family to give an effort to their 3 year marriage. As well as her mental and medical issues which makes him feel guilty. She called me at 2:00 am the morning it happened to validate what he said and I admitted everything as well. I too am married, but planning on filing for divorce soon, with MM or without MM in my life. My husband does not know. I am glad to spare him the hurt even though our marriage has been rocky for a while now. Me and my MM live in separate cities currently, but I'm moving back to his town in a month or so for my job. Hopefully I'm over the emotional roller coaster before I'm back there. So you may wonder, what is my dilema if the relationship is over? Well, as I'm sure those of you who have lived through this knows, the feelings don't just die for either person. The day after the blow-up we saw each other and professed our undying love even though we can't be together. He wanted to stay friends, but I told him I couldn't stay in contact because it hurts too much (we used to talk 3 to 4 times daily). The NC lasted 5 days and YES, I called and left him a message saying I just wanted to know how he was doing. He called me back and we talked in generalities trying not to say what was really on our minds. He asked if he could see me when I get back into town (in a few days). I said I didn't think it would be a good idea and he left the subject open by saying, "well let's talk about it when you get in town". I've been in so much pain the last few days it's unbelieveable. I haven't slept through the night in days. I haven't been able to eat much. And I'm not interested in anything. Today, day 7, was the first day I didn't wake up with the hollow feeling. Is this because I talked to him? Or is it because I'm over the hump? Will I open up a wound by seeing him? I want to know that I can be in his presence and know that I have the strength to say "no". I want to not care, and not be in love with him anymore. My plan now is to not contact him when I get in town, but I know I will cave in if he calls me. Ladies, any advice? And thanks to the person who established this website, I have found comfort in reading through some of the other threads.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Hello and welcome to the forum. He has lots of family pressures from his father (a minister) and her family to give an effort to their 3 year marriage. As well as her mental and medical issues which makes him feel guilty. To cut to the chase: Despite his pressures/reasons for staying he has made a choice (for the present?) to stay and work on his M. He could leave if he wanted to. Father's opinion or not, wife's illness or not. If you start seeing him, allowing his calls... anything, in fact, that keeps you hooked into him and his situation, and allows him to feel OK about his life because you're there to support him in his decision to stay... you'll be stuck fast as the OW. That's no fun. Rational action: Tell him you're out of this. Refuse to engage with him any longer. Tell him that you wish him happiness, but that his decision means you will no longer be in contact with him, since you also need to be happy and fulfilled in life. Let him appreciate the full force of what 'staying married' (without you) means. Anything else... is the road to nowhere...
THX2000 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Interesting how seemingly all MM that cheat seem to have wives that have "mental problems". Perhaps the fact that her husband is a cheat drove her crazy! In all seriousness, that just struck me as strange as I have seen it come up as an excuse from a whole bunch of the men that the OW in this forum are involved with.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 My plan now is to not contact him when I get in town, but I know I will cave in if he calls me. Ladies, any advice? Specifically on this point. Since you're new to LS, you probably haven't heard of NC = No Contact. To establish NC, you tell the other person what you're doing and why you're doing it, and you ask them not to contact you again (or not to contact you unless they're single, separated, or whatever). That way there's no caving Oh, and personally, I think that if they can't abide by NC, then they're a jackass with no respect for you, and automatically write themselves out of your life. If that happens then you need to change your contact details or get a restraining order (JMHO, and not that I think that would apply to your MM necessarily, just it's a common reason why people say they can't stick to NC).
Gail07 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Thanks for the advice. After initiating NC how do you keep yourself from breaking the rule and contacting him? If there is no contact how can you be sure that you are over him? I know these are probably stupid questions, but right now I'm fighting everything inside myself to not call him again. And it is painful to think I may never hear from him again. I don't want to be trapped as the OW anymore, but I still want him. I think my situation is magnified because I'm also facing divorce and the thought of being alone is absolutely frightening. A little more history that I left out. Our R has been going on for 7 months during which we were only intimate with each other. I know this to be true on his part because his W eluded to it when she called me. So now I'm faced with the loss of emotional as well as physical intimacy. Just the thought brings me to tears.
Jessie61 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Me and my MM live in separate cities currently, but I'm moving back to his town in a month or so for my job. Hopefully I'm over the emotional roller coaster before I'm back there. The day after the blow-up we saw each other and professed our undying love even though we can't be together. My plan now is to not contact him when I get in town, but I know I will cave in if he calls me. Ladies, any advice? And thanks to the person who established this website, I have found comfort in reading through some of the other threads. Gail, My heart goes out to you. Welcome by the way! I do agree with a lot that Sami has already said to you... You actually CAN be together, if he CHOOSES to be with you. Yes, the fact that he decided to work on the M might be temporary, but the fact remains; he could leave if he really wanted, but he hasn't. Can I go back to my favourite axample, Prince Charles in the UK? He risked a constitutional crisis, he endured public outrage and the rest of it when he and Princess Diana divorced. Why did they divorce? Because he loved and wanted to be with another woman, Camilla. When Diana then died, the British public absolutely HATED Camilla, but he stood by her and now they are married. You see, if someone wants to be with you, he can... Now, I am not saying that your MM doesn't love you - I am sure that there are loads of MM's who truely love their OW's and only you can decide if your MM is one of them, but the real question is will he ever take the step...? How will you find out? Yes, the good old NC! I do believe that NC is the only way to make things happen; you either end up with him OR you can heal and get on with your life... Otherwise you'd easily fall into an OW routine which can go on and on and ond and on..... There is NO incentive for MM to do anything for as long as you prop him up and make his married life bearable. Now, you say that you are moving back to the town where he lives? Is that really necessary? Can you stop it and get a job somewhere else? Let's face it, you love the guy. How are you going to get over all your feelings for him in the space of a few days/weeks? How are you going to be able to not respond WHEN (not IF!!!) he contacts you once you have moved? I mean, he's already asked you to meet up with him etc... Believe me, this writer knows exactly how difficult it is to ignore attempts to re-establish contact by the MM. In fact, at times I have been quite pathetic!!! So, I would change my plans to move and get a job elsewhere. Believe me, it will get more more difficult once you are more available to him!!! If you cannot do that then I still think you should consider NC very seriously. Otherwise you will find yourself going nowhere...fast! What do you think at this point? Keep posting!!!
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 After initiating NC how do you keep yourself from breaking the rule and contacting him? If there is no contact how can you be sure that you are over him? I know these are probably stupid questions, but right now I'm fighting everything inside myself to not call him again. And it is painful to think I may never hear from him again. I know I have a style of writing sometimes which sounds unemotional. You can believe that that's not true. I'm in NC myself at this point... I've just begun week 4 of NC with the man I truly love and who I know loves me just as much. How to stop from calling him..? In my case, I got to the point (after 2 years) where I was so stressed, depressed and unhappy that even NC was preferable to continued contact. Whenever I want to talk to him I do... in my head. I tell him how pleased I am that we're both strong enough not to break the NC... that I really hope he manages to leave her. That I know he loves me. Or if I have doubts, I just ask him, in my head, what he thinks of something... and I know exactly what he'd say to my daftness. It's just stuff that I could hear from him any day of the week... Or sometimes I'll re-read his last few emails to me, or a text message... and pretend I just received it. I know what he'd say to me if I could talk to him now. Yeah.. it does sound nuts, but they're just some of the things I do to get through. You will be able to make up your own, I'm sure. I WANT HIM so much... but I want him free to be with me. I can't live with being the OW any longer. You could start from that and build up some way of dealing with never talking to him again. Always remembering... HE has a choice... if he wants to be with you... then he can be. If he doesn't do it even if you went NC... then you would always have been the OW.
movinon05 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Welcome Gail, In addition to the other girls' comments, try to look at this another way. With regard to your upcoming D, you are going to be going through an emotional upheaval whether it is a bad D or a good D. Do you have children? I'm assuming not, since you are afraid of being alone. Instead of worrying about being alone, look at it as a way to free yourself to start living a new life with new hopes for the future. You will learn to stand on your own two feet. You will find strengths that you never knew you had. When you go NC with a MM, you're ultimate reason should be to not be an OW. You will never get off the emotional rollercoaster as long as you are an OW. You ask: If there is no contact how can you be sure that you are over him? The answer is: If you don't do NC, you will never know. He made his decision. When you go NC, and if he stays M, you will go through the emotions and will find that the feelings start to subside. They will probably linger somewhere, but in time, your perspective will change. You will have new experiences. You will experience highs and lows. But in no way will it happen overnight. Its a loss in your heart and will probably become a bittersweet memory. Leaving someone we love is never easy. But you will find new found strengths in yourself.
Gail07 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Gail, So, I would change my plans to move and get a job elsewhere. Believe me, it will get more more difficult once you are more available to him!!! If you cannot do that then I still think you should consider NC very seriously. Otherwise you will find yourself going nowhere...fast! What do you think at this point? Keep posting!!! Jessie, There is no option on the job transfer and he knows that. I moved away on a temporary job assignment 3 months into our R. And I think that's when the emotional bond grew even more. I was still coming into town twice a month and the anticipation of my visits kept us both going. Everything came to a head the day before my last trip there (2 weeks ago). So I need to find strength to be in the same city and still hold true to NC. I know you are absolutely right about going nowhere fast. I feel like I'm enabling him to stay in a bad marriage because I provide for him what she does not. And allow him to keep up the pretense of a perfect marriage to family and friends. Wish me luck this coming week. I leave to go back there in 2 days and he knows it. I know I have a style of writing sometimes which sounds unemotional. You can believe that that's not true. I'm in NC myself at this point... I've just begun week 4 of NC with the man I truly love and who I know loves me just as much. Sami, I didn't take your comments as harsh at all. I took it as advice from someone who has been there and wants to keep others from repeating her mistakes. I think this is the only place I've ever spoken to someone who understands that this kind of love can be real without being critical about how it came about in the first place. Thanks for that. I truly love this man also and the fact that he admitted his love for me to his W lets me know that he loves me too. I think he tells himself if she ends it then its OK, but in his mind it is out of the question for him to end it. So honestly I don't think he will ever find the strength to get out. And I know that NC for me will be my final goodbye. And I know all the things you say are right about me deserving more. But the harsh reality is that this constant pain is so hard to bear, sometimes the alternative of occasional pain seems better. Foolish of me to even ever admit that, but I feel like I've been through hell and back these last 7 days.
Gail07 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Gail, So, I would change my plans to move and get a job elsewhere. Believe me, it will get more more difficult once you are more available to him!!! If you cannot do that then I still think you should consider NC very seriously. Otherwise you will find yourself going nowhere...fast! What do you think at this point? Keep posting!!! Jessie, There is no option on the job transfer and he knows that. I moved away on a temporary job assignment 3 months into our R. And I think that's when the emotional bond grew even more. I was still coming into town twice a month and the anticipation of my visits kept us both going. Everything came to a head the day before my last trip there (2 weeks ago). So I need to find strength to be in the same city and still hold true to NC. I know you are absolutely right about going nowhere fast. I feel like I'm enabling him to stay in a bad marriage because I provide for him what she does not. And allow him to keep up the pretense of a perfect marriage to family and friends. Wish me luck this coming week. I leave to go back there in 2 days and he knows it. I know I have a style of writing sometimes which sounds unemotional. You can believe that that's not true. I'm in NC myself at this point... I've just begun week 4 of NC with the man I truly love and who I know loves me just as much. Sami, I didn't take your comments as harsh at all. I took it as advice from someone who has been there and wants to keep others from repeating her mistakes. I think this is the only place I've ever spoken to someone who understands that this kind of love can be real without being critical about how it came about in the first place. Thanks for that. I truly love this man also and the fact that he admitted his love for me to his W lets me know that he loves me too. I think he tells himself if she ends it then its OK, but in his mind it is out of the question for him to end it. So honestly I don't think he will ever find the strength to get out. And I know that NC for me will be my final goodbye. And I know all the things you say are right about me deserving more. But the harsh reality is that this constant pain is so hard to bear, sometimes the alternative of occasional pain seems better. Foolish of me to even ever admit that, but I feel like I've been through hell and back these last 7 days.
Jessie61 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Jessie, There is no option on the job transfer and he knows that. I moved away on a temporary job assignment 3 months into our R. And I think that's when the emotional bond grew even more. I was still coming into town twice a month and the anticipation of my visits kept us both going. Everything came to a head the day before my last trip there (2 weeks ago). So I need to find strength to be in the same city and still hold true to NC. I know you are absolutely right about going nowhere fast. I feel like I'm enabling him to stay in a bad marriage because I provide for him what she does not. And allow him to keep up the pretense of a perfect marriage to family and friends. Wish me luck this coming week. I leave to go back there in 2 days and he knows it. Gail, Of course I wish you luck next week and for all the other weeks after! But you also need a lot of strength and determination! I think you have come a good bit on the way, though. You seem to be aware of all the issues and you haven't got your head in the sand. You seem to accept the harsh truth, even though it is very harsh! That is a great start. Have you decided what do to? You mention NC but you don't say if that is what you are planning to do. I have been in NC more times that I can care to mention. Periods from 2 days to 6 or 7 weeks (felt like 6 or 7 years!). In fact, during 2005 it was more "off" than "on". Each time I asked for NC and each time my MM broke the NC - because he missed me, he saw something funny that he wanted to tell me about, he wanted to report the soccer results... whatever! We would then fall back into it for about 2 days, until I had to take my head out of the pink cloud again and face the fact that NOTHING had changed.... Then another NC, grieving starts again.... until the next time. This was so incredibly hard! BUT I do know that NC is the only thing that will get you out of being an OW. It results a success story irrespective of whether you end up with MM or end up getting on with your life. I see what you say about not being able to change your plans about your job. That will probably make it more difficult for you, if you do decide to go NC. But I am pretty sure that it CAN be done, if you really want to. BTW, we are all going to go about NC to you, but you have to decide for yourself if and when you want to do it... I believe you have to be ready for it yourself and believe in it yourself, otherwise you will never find the strength and determination to keep your finger off that "send" button on your phone or your computer... Anyway, keep posting.
Gail07 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Gail, Have you decided what do to? You mention NC but you don't say if that is what you are planning to do. QUOTE] I plan to inform him of NC this week in person and tell him to not call me unless he has made a firm decision to leave W despite the obstacles and until then I plan to move on with my life without him. It's really easy to make these plans now, but I'm not sure what I will do when I'm face to face with him. But I think I have to do it that way. For my own sanity I have to get out. My only concern is whether I'm ready to face having him out of my life. Our relationship has been an intense 7 months. But is that enough time to forge an unbreakable bond between 2 people? Or will I just be considered something in his life that happened once? Some of you have been at this for years. Should I give it a little more time before NC? Are you in NC now? How long has it been?
aktieb0cka Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I know I have a style of writing sometimes which sounds unemotional. You can believe that that's not true. I'm in NC myself at this point... I've just begun week 4 of NC with the man I truly love and who I know loves me just as much. How to stop from calling him..? In my case, I got to the point (after 2 years) where I was so stressed, depressed and unhappy that even NC was preferable to continued contact. Whenever I want to talk to him I do... in my head. I tell him how pleased I am that we're both strong enough not to break the NC... that I really hope he manages to leave her. That I know he loves me. Or if I have doubts, I just ask him, in my head, what he thinks of something... and I know exactly what he'd say to my daftness. It's just stuff that I could hear from him any day of the week... Or sometimes I'll re-read his last few emails to me, or a text message... and pretend I just received it. I know what he'd say to me if I could talk to him now. Yeah.. it does sound nuts, but they're just some of the things I do to get through. You will be able to make up your own, I'm sure. I WANT HIM so much... but I want him free to be with me. I can't live with being the OW any longer. You could start from that and build up some way of dealing with never talking to him again. Always remembering... HE has a choice... if he wants to be with you... then he can be. If he doesn't do it even if you went NC... then you would always have been the OW. Sami, Thank you for posting this. It really is helpful. I can relate to your experience with N/C. Damn, why is so hard. [FONT=Wingdings]L[/FONT] But like you said, what is helping me is thinking that I do not want to be the OW, either. I want him to be with me, but he has to be free. That is the major lesson that I have learned with this experience. I know that I should have gotten rid of everything he gave me and deleted all the e-mails and such, but I too look back on them. It may not be healthy, but it helps me get through it too. So I do not think that you are nuts.
aktieb0cka Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I have been reading many of the posts about N/C. I notice that many of you informed MM that you were not going to contact him. Do you think that it is weird that I never informed MM that I was not going to contact him? Do you think that this is the proper way of doing it? Do you think that the chances of success of N/C depend on the method of going about it? I slowly did it. I didn't do it abruptly, but I did know that I was doing it. I cut off personal contact, when I was ready I move on to cutting off professional contact. Now, we have not spoken in a week. I am just hoping that this will be successful and that I will not go back to contacting him.
lovernotafighter Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I have been reading many of the posts about N/C. I notice that many of you informed MM that you were not going to contact him. Do you think that it is weird that I never informed MM that I was not going to contact him? Do you think that this is the proper way of doing it? Do you think that the chances of success of N/C depend on the method of going about it? I slowly did it. I didn't do it abruptly, but I did know that I was doing it. I cut off personal contact, when I was ready I move on to cutting off professional contact. Now, we have not spoken in a week. I am just hoping that this will be successful and that I will not go back to contacting him.me and my MM haven't spoken in a week either. we did both do what you did at one time or another then we ended up back at square one all over again. it seemed easier then the times we tried to do it with words..but you see where it got us...no where. I tried to tell him over the phone we were in NC but he tracked me down and threw himself on my mercy and when I see him my heart melts..I think he's so beautiful..he knows I'm weak to seeing him and it sucks! so then I did in a e-mail and he did it again and I caved again..this time I wrote a better e-mail and asked him to be kind because my heart is broke and to let me heal..he's listening this time..like I have posted I think this time he's ready as well.
Jessie61 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I plan to inform him of NC this week in person and tell him to not call me unless he has made a firm decision to leave W despite the obstacles and until then I plan to move on with my life without him. It's really easy to make these plans now, but I'm not sure what I will do when I'm face to face with him. But I think I have to do it that way. For my own sanity I have to get out. My only concern is whether I'm ready to face having him out of my life. Our relationship has been an intense 7 months. But is that enough time to forge an unbreakable bond between 2 people? Or will I just be considered something in his life that happened once? Some of you have been at this for years. Should I give it a little more time before NC? Are you in NC now? How long has it been? Gail, I still wonder if you are ready for NC yet? You ask if you should give it more time before you do it, for instance. Why do you ask that? Is it from a "tactical" point of view (in the nicest possible way, of course!!!! ) or what? I know that I asked myself that at times - should I give "us" more time together so that he would r-e-a-l-l-y miss me when I was gone etc?. But I soon abandoned all such thoughts. Why? Because staying an OW was breaking me completely. I could not stand the hurt and humiliation of constantly feeling (and BEING!!!) no. 2, I could not continue to lie to myself that this was going to work out because I am a smart girl who doesn't shy away from the cold facts, especially when they are staring me in the face etc. I just had to do it. If you allow me to sound a bit melodramatic, it was a matter of survivial. I therefore went into NC with an attitude of "f**k the consequences, I'm out of here!" For me each NC was The End. I did not care if he ever left his W, if I had just been some "fluff on the side" or the true love of his life, I just had to get out. I let go of all thoughts starting with "What if...?" I was willing to sacrifice "us" (if there was such a thing) in order that I could look myself in the mirror again. I am not saying that you should only go NC when you have reached this point - which was about a year into the A and then it continued for almost a year, on and off. In fact, I wish I had done it sooner. But it is up to each and every one of us to decide "if and when". But having reached this point, I was more determined about NC than I had ever been about anything else before in my life. The longest NC (6-7 weeks) was hard but not ONCE was I tempted to text or ring him etc. Not once, because I believed in what I was doing. He broke NC every time and (admittedly!) I was too weak to resist when he did, so I would respond and be delirious for 2 days... But I realised that this cycle was never ending, so I emigrated to get away from him!!! (OK, drastic, but necessary! NOT to be recommended as anything but a last resort! ) Anyway, NC has moved things on. I think seeing me drive off into the sunset made MM realise that he was losing me forever. He has since decided to leave, he has told his wife, they have agreed terms of the separation, and a date is set. Will he actually do it? I don't know until it is done, but fingers crossed.... My point is, NC was never for me about FORCING him to do anything (I always assumed that he wouldn't); it was about getting on with it and being able to look myself in the mirror again. That was my sole motivation. I have implemented my NC in a slightly different way than some other posters; some advocate going NC until MM has actually left, but I decided that this uncertainty would kill me off completely, so I have given him until a particular date to do it, I will support him (from abroad!) until then, but if he lets me down, then I never want to hear from him again - even if he DOES leave the W two weeks later! I will simply stay where I am (where I can set up a really nice life for myself with friends that I know from years ago!), and I am due to sign contracts to set up a business here soon after the deadline expires. That will be it! And believe me, there are some "fine looking male things" here too... This is my version of NC, for what it's worth. You can accept it or reject it. I don't know if I am doing it the right or the wrong way, but I guess time will tell. My determination remains as firm as it ever was, though; I am NOT an OW anymore. Even if it means that I lose him forever. He's just not worth the heartache and humiliation anymore. It's do or bust! You have to decide what NC means to you, I think? This is only my story. There are loads of other people with their own stories here who can inspire you. Keep posting!
Sami_D Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I have been reading many of the posts about N/C. I notice that many of you informed MM that you were not going to contact him. Do you think that it is weird that I never informed MM that I was not going to contact him? Do you think that this is the proper way of doing it? Do you think that the chances of success of N/C depend on the method of going about it? I slowly did it. I didn't do it abruptly, but I did know that I was doing it. I cut off personal contact, when I was ready I move on to cutting off professional contact. Now, we have not spoken in a week. I am just hoping that this will be successful and that I will not go back to contacting him. I think this approach could work, if you don't mind hearing from him at some point. However, if you haven't told him it's NC... then he's probably going to think... hmm, I haven't heard from her for a while, and contact you. Then what will you do..? Ignore him..? If you do that, and don't tell him why, then you're probably going to get him upping the contact until you DO respond. Of course, he could be someone who is ok with dropping contact anyway... just that most MM aren't like that.
aktieb0cka Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 me and my MM haven't spoken in a week either. we did both do what you did at one time or another then we ended up back at square one all over again. it seemed easier then the times we tried to do it with words..but you see where it got us...no where. I tried to tell him over the phone we were in NC but he tracked me down and threw himself on my mercy and when I see him my heart melts..I think he's so beautiful..he knows I'm weak to seeing him and it sucks! so then I did in a e-mail and he did it again and I caved again..this time I wrote a better e-mail and asked him to be kind because my heart is broke and to let me heal..he's listening this time..like I have posted I think this time he's ready as well. I hope that this does not happen either, because I would not be able to handle it right now. I really need to heal and I hope that he sees that. I hope that your MM realizes that for you as well.
aktieb0cka Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I think this approach could work, if you don't mind hearing from him at some point. However, if you haven't told him it's NC... then he's probably going to think... hmm, I haven't heard from her for a while, and contact you. Then what will you do..? Ignore him..? If you do that, and don't tell him why, then you're probably going to get him upping the contact until you DO respond. Of course, he could be someone who is ok with dropping contact anyway... just that most MM aren't like that. Honestly, I think he may not contact me. I think when it comes down to it we are both very stubborn especially in this situation.
CantCutitOff Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 aktieb0cka... I have started to go about NC in the exact same way (also at one week) & was wondering the same thing. Like you, I'm hoping I have the strength to cut if he does contact me -- but I don't know that he will. We're both pretty stubborn too. I had the thoughts that others did though - what if he does & then I try to ignore & he ups the contact? I know that'll make it even worse b/c while I really don't want him to contact me... there's still a very small part of me that would like to know whether he's even thought about me once the past 10 days. Unfortunately, I know I'll at least run into him at work this week as we have to be in the same place at the same time... but here's hoping I can keep it up as much as possible without raising suspicions (as the co-workers think that we're friends). Better yet... and maybe I'll meet my Romeo tomorrow & whatever I felt for MM (which I now realize was more intense than just a physical thing as I initially thought) will burn out just like that. Somehow I'm thinking I'm not that fortunate...
aktieb0cka Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 aktieb0cka... I have started to go about NC in the exact same way (also at one week) & was wondering the same thing. Like you, I'm hoping I have the strength to cut if he does contact me -- but I don't know that he will. We're both pretty stubborn too. I had the thoughts that others did though - what if he does & then I try to ignore & he ups the contact? I know that'll make it even worse b/c while I really don't want him to contact me... there's still a very small part of me that would like to know whether he's even thought about me once the past 10 days. Unfortunately, I know I'll at least run into him at work this week as we have to be in the same place at the same time... but here's hoping I can keep it up as much as possible without raising suspicions (as the co-workers think that we're friends). Better yet... and maybe I'll meet my Romeo tomorrow & whatever I felt for MM (which I now realize was more intense than just a physical thing as I initially thought) will burn out just like that. Somehow I'm thinking I'm not that fortunate... Can’t Cut it off, I guess that is the risk that we are taking by going this route. Is this your first attempt at N/C? This is mine. I am absolutely going crazy. I want to contact him so bad. I lie in bed at night thinking of what I would say to him. I think of it as my way of talking to him, with out actually doing it. The first night of N/C, I was up in bed until 6:00am, just “talking to him”. Yeah, I am crazy, I know that!! This is how I know that he won’t contact me. I always e-mailed him and called him whenever I wanted to talk to him. I am the type of person, who has to say anything, right away, because I will forget. He is the type of person, which takes stock and remembers it and hits me all at once, when we are in person. I know that is how he is. I have approached him on this and he just laughed because he said I was absolutely correct. At first, I thought that he was ignoring me, but one day I had sent him photos. I had forgotten about it after that. I think that it happened to be two weeks later that he said, you know I got those photos. I couldn’t open them. I was like what the hell is wrong with you? Why didn’t you say that earlier? He was like I really don’t know why I didn’t say anything earlier. We are both the quiet, professional and serious type. We also work together. People would be absolutely shock to find out the truth about us. They would not believe it. On the outside, no one would think we have one thing in common. But everything that we have experienced in life is similar, we want the same things, it is just so weird to find someone in life that can relate. We both had to deal with the suicide of our father’s brothers as young children. It dramatically affected our childhoods. I still think that it does. With that said, I know he is just as stubborn as me. We are both very proud, even though most people would not know that. There is a lot of fear within the both of us, especially when it comes to each other. It is like a game of chicken! Who is going to cave in first? I am not going to lie, I think that part of me wants him to cave first, because then I know there is part of him that cares. I think that you have the same feelings. You don’t want to talk to him because you know the feelings that you have and fear that you will end up right where you started. I think that it would be a load of crap if he told you he had not thought about you during those 10 days. We are human! There is always wonder, curiosity and longing. Those kinds of feelings that got us into this situation in the first place. MM had feelings for me for six months before I even realized. He had remembered crap about me and I was dumbfounded. I was really surprised because I only thought that woman remembered crap like that. It really opened my eyes about men, somewhat. They have emotions too. They just hide them a lot better. I hope when you see him this week that you will be strong and do only what you think is right. I think now you have control. Maybe you will meet Romeo right before you see him. Hey you never know!! Sorry this got so long!!
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I just wanted to say that while I'm advocating hard-line NC all over the place these days... I too found it impossible to stick to the first time I did it. And I was absolutely terrified to do it that time too. This time, it's been a little easier for me because of the state I'd got into before it. NC is actually preferable to contact at the moment for me. I know exactly all the things he'd say if I talked to him... and it would get us nowhere nearer the goal of him leaving... so why do it? That's my thinking anyway. So... anyway, what I'm trying to say is... NC is incredibly difficult. And unless you're really ready, really need it, and really know it's the absolutely right thing to do I don't think (m)any of us could stick to it.
lovernotafighter Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I just wanted to say that while I'm advocating hard-line NC all over the place these days... I too found it impossible to stick to the first time I did it. And I was absolutely terrified to do it that time too. This time, it's been a little easier for me because of the state I'd got into before it. NC is actually preferable to contact at the moment for me. I know exactly all the things he'd say if I talked to him... and it would get us nowhere nearer the goal of him leaving... so why do it? That's my thinking anyway. So... anyway, what I'm trying to say is... NC is incredibly difficult. And unless you're really ready, really need it, and really know it's the absolutely right thing to do I don't think (m)any of us could stick to it.yep..I know I couldn't before..it's weird I just felt soo feed up with him..and when I told him it was over it almost was a shrug..I know it won't stay that way but what did that tell me? that it really was time...I do have that hole in gut...but nothing like the first couple of NC's
Walking away Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I agree... In order for NC to really, truly work, you MUST believe that it is absolutely the best thing for YOU to do. It is incredibly difficult, and I had failed every time until now. But, like Sami, I was in such a state of agitation, NC is a RELIEF for me in comparison to the swinging emotions I felt while in contact with him. I was literally spinning my wheels... NC works IF you desire it. If you really and truly are doing it for YOU, it will get easier as you get your strength back. Sami and I are living proof of it. Hugs WA
CantCutitOff Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 aktieb0cka... it's my first real attempt at NC. Our contact has never really had any regularity, so I'm not sure what he'll interpret this "spell" as. Going on day 9 though & feeling OK about it. Not great... but OK. Neither of us is "quiet"... we're both pretty social & gregarious. That's sort of been a blessing for me b/c I've been able to keep my mind off it.My MM too would not respond to e-mails/text messages/etc for a few days and would then wait until he saw me in person to address EVERYTHING in them. And like yours -- he's remembered little things about me and also about he & I's relationship (like specific conversations we had 8-9 months ago) that I never would've guessed he would've remembered. I guess they do care and do pay attention a little more than we think.At this point, I hope the NC works - for both of our sakes. If I have to talk to him this week for work, I can't really avoid that... but I'm trying to make sure I can be firm with him if he tries to take it out of the professional context. It'd be great to be able to be "just friends" with him... but obviously that's going to be pretty difficult at this point. It's a shame too - because I think we could've been great friends had we not taken it down the road we did. Anyway, I'm trying to focus my efforts on improving myself and - peripherally - finding someone single to devote some energy to (even on a friendship level). I'm hoping that MM will attempt to work on his marriage. He's said he's tried before but always seems to fall back into the cheating route (separated for 2 6mo periods in their not-even-5yr marriage). He was just "reunited" with his wife after a separation when this thing with he & I began (we started getting close while they were separated). I hope he's strong enough to either make a concerted effort to make it work with his wife or to leave on the best terms possible for his kids. Who knows... I guess time will tell.Get
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