Confused Jersey Girl Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I developed a relationship with a wonderful man. We have an intimate emotional relationship, but, since we did not live in the same city, dating exclusively was difficult. However, I found myself falling in love with him. He took a job in another state that involves frequent travel but continued our relationship via the phone. Then one day, about two months after he moved, he met me for coffee and told me that he met someone else and was engaged. He said he wanted to make sure I was out of his system. I was hurt but tried to move on. Two days before his wedding, he contacted me because again "he had to make sure I was out of his system". Clearly I wasn't and I couldn't figure out why he would marry her. We didn't talk and I stopped taking his calls. About a month later he called me and in a weak moment I talked to him...I really missed him. I asked if he was married and he said yes...but that he wished things had been different between us. Again, I limited our contact and in another weak moment, he called two weeks ago because he wanted to see me. I agreed. He told me that before he moved out of state, he hooked up with an ex-girlfriend and they were physically intimate. She got pregnant and he decided to do the "right" thing and marry her. He never told me or discussed anything with me. His daughter was born a few days before we saw each other. I'm so confused...it seems like he has feelings, otherwise he wouldn't have left his new born daughter and lied to his wife to meet me. Since he is married, I know morally, he is off limits, but I can't help it...I am in love with him. I fell in love with him before he was married. We have spent time together a few times since he told me the whole story, but have not been physically intimate. The confusion is what do I do? I know he loves his newborn daughter 110%, and for that reason alone I don't think he would leave his wife. At least not right now. But I don't think he loves his wife 100%...I know he is in love with me. But, I want to be more than the other women. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone out there been in a similar situation?
Jessie61 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 The confusion is what do I do? I know he loves his newborn daughter 110%, and for that reason alone I don't think he would leave his wife. At least not right now. But I don't think he loves his wife 100%...I know he is in love with me. But, I want to be more than the other women. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? CJG, No wonder you are confused! Yes, he probably loves his daughter 110% and who would not. But does he love you OR his W 100%...? Hmmmm..... Does your MM have any idea of what he really wants? And does he have the guts to back up what he believes? Or does he intend to carry on like this indefinitively? I see that you say that you DON'T think he would leave his W, yet you don't want to be the OW.... These two things cannot be reconciled, I am afraid... So perhaps you have to decide what you REALLY want? Stay the OW? Demand more for later on? Leave him on the spot? If you DON'T want to be the OW, then you can give him 2 choices; stay with the W and daughter which means leaving you alone OR leave his W and daughter to be with you. I suspect (and I am sure that many people here would agree) that doing nothing will ensure that nothing gets done and that the status quo remains.... I do appreciate what you are going through. I am an OW myself. I know how hard it is to stare the harsh truth in the face... It is not a pretty sight most of the time. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away either... Stay with us. And kee posting. We are here to help in any way we can! Remember, we are on your side here!
JackJack Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 He married her, reguardless of why. YOU need to do the right thing and let him go. He got another girl pregant while he was supossdly talking to you/seeing you etc, what does that tell you? Do you know for sure he wasn't already engaged to be married while he was seeing you? Now that he has a wife and child, you will pretty much always play second fiddle to them, I would think you would want something better for yourself. It wont be easy, thats for sure, but its probably best to cut ties with him.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 He married her, reguardless of why. YOU need to do the right thing and let him go. He got another girl pregant while he was supossdly talking to you/seeing you etc, what does that tell you? Do you know for sure he wasn't already engaged to be married while he was seeing you? Now that he has a wife and child, you will pretty much always play second fiddle to them, I would think you would want something better for yourself. It wont be easy, thats for sure, but its probably best to cut ties with him. I have to agree with this. All this 'I got another girl pregnant and did the right thing...' Ahem. He's never treated you properly, he's not treating his new wife properly... and he probably never will do either. There have been some similar threads to this, one in particular this past week that I can remember where the M announced his upcoming wedding to his gf of 18 months. If you read around this forum I'm sure you'll find things that ring true for you. eta: This is the thread I was referring to: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88462/
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 The confusion is what do I do? I know he loves his newborn daughter 110%, and for that reason alone I don't think he would leave his wife. At least not right now. But I don't think he loves his wife 100%...I know he is in love with me. But, I want to be more than the other women. Now there is a child involved, that changes EVERYTHING. It's not fair, but it's time you leave him alone and let him out of your heart. He isn't going to leave his child and his wife for you - He's already settled into a certain way of life with his family...And I'm betting the guilt would be way too much for him. Tell him it's over and don't talk to him again. Yeah I know that is probably easier said than done, but you shouldn't allow yourself to be the OW in his life, because that's just selfish on his behalf - It gives him TWO women - Why would he want to change things when he'll have you both.
BUTAFLY Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 He told me that before he moved out of state, he hooked up with an ex-girlfriend and they were physically intimate. She got pregnant and he decided to do the "right" thing and marry her. He never told me or discussed anything with me. Heard that one before. My situation is (was) the same. Dated a man, fell in love, talked about moving in together....getting married. and then WHAM he is engaged because he got an ex pregnant. well turns out he was engaged the whole time. JackJack Has it right. DId he really love me-who knows. he continued to contact me-see me (no sexual contact) and talk for hours over the phone. He toyed with the idea of calling it off (a ploy to keep me hanging on im sure). I receive a cell call while on his honeymoon but didnt answer. He contacted me when he got back from his honeymoon and told me," How do you think I felt when she was walking down the isle and I was wishing it were you". I fell for it then, but know (a year later) I think it was part of the plan to have an OW on the side. All I can say is be careful. These men know what to say and how to say it and will look you dead in the eye and make you believe.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 If he's unfaithful to his current W, what makes you think that he'll be faithful to you??? Look up Narcissism on google.
ridingthebulls Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 he has a wifey and child. what ya think you should do? run and send a letter to his wife.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Why hurt his wife? Just because she wants him, doesn't mean she can have him. From his wife's point of view, the OW would be telling her out of spite or to try to take him away. And that poor innocent child - Don't forget the awful effect it will have on her.
Seen_It_All Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I, too, don't believe for one moment that he just 'hooked up' with an old girlfriend. He was probably engaged the entire time. He sounds like a real sleazeball - lying to everyone just so he can play the two of you. What would I do? See him for the lowdown snake he is and dump his ass so fast his MOTHER'S head would spin. Respect yourself, JerseyGirl. You don't need to swallow your pride for this loser.
stillafool Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I cant' tell you how many times men say "I love you but I'm marrying her". When they say they want to see if you're out of their system it usually means let's sleep together. I'm sorry but no man engages and marries another when he's in love (or thinks he may be in love with) you. They try this all the time. Please don't be fooled by this. If he thought he was in love with you he didn't have to get engaged until he gave you guys a chance (and trust me he wouldn't). As far as she's pregnant and I had to.......(yeah, right!) He still didn't have to marry her. She probably wasn't pregnant, I bet! My advice is to cut your loses and leave him alone before you get your heart shattered. Tell him you would love to give him a chance when you see the divorce papers.
Guest Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 I developed a relationship with a wonderful man. We have an intimate emotional relationship, but, since we did not live in the same city, dating exclusively was difficult. However, I found myself falling in love with him. He took a job in another state that involves frequent travel but continued our relationship via the phone. Then one day, about two months after he moved, he met me for coffee and told me that he met someone else and was engaged. He said he wanted to make sure I was out of his system. I was hurt but tried to move on. Two days before his wedding, he contacted me because again "he had to make sure I was out of his system". Clearly I wasn't and I couldn't figure out why he would marry her. We didn't talk and I stopped taking his calls. About a month later he called me and in a weak moment I talked to him...I really missed him. I asked if he was married and he said yes...but that he wished things had been different between us. Again, I limited our contact and in another weak moment, he called two weeks ago because he wanted to see me. I agreed. He told me that before he moved out of state, he hooked up with an ex-girlfriend and they were physically intimate. She got pregnant and he decided to do the "right" thing and marry her. He never told me or discussed anything with me. His daughter was born a few days before we saw each other. I'm so confused...it seems like he has feelings, otherwise he wouldn't have left his new born daughter and lied to his wife to meet me. Since he is married, I know morally, he is off limits, but I can't help it...I am in love with him. I fell in love with him before he was married. We have spent time together a few times since he told me the whole story, but have not been physically intimate. The confusion is what do I do? I know he loves his newborn daughter 110%, and for that reason alone I don't think he would leave his wife. At least not right now. But I don't think he loves his wife 100%...I know he is in love with me. But, I want to be more than the other women. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? Back away,run like mad, and forget him. Never ever get yourself involved with a married man. You weep bitter tears of anger,regret,frustration whenever you fet into a situation like this. I married a man who was married, and I live with that
Confused Jersey Girl Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 You all have valid points. I don't want to continue to torture myself. In time, my feelings will fade and I will meet someone else. I deserve to find a man who isn't married that can love me openly, the way I want to be loved. As the saying goes, he maid his bed and now he has to lie in it. It will be hard for me to move one, and, I know I will have weak moments thinking about him. Ultimately, I know I have the willpower not to act even if he doesn't. If he truly wants to continue a friendship, he can introduce me to his wife and spend time with me only in her presence.
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