Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I've been separated from who I thought was the love of my life for nearly three years now. I have maintained NC right from the split and didn't respond to an attempt by my ex to have contact again a year after we split. Due to distance we have never seen each other again during these three years. And we never will. Although I lead a normal life as a single now, there's still some sort of emptiness when I think of the ex. I thought that would be long gone by now. I thought I would hardly think of him at all by now. I'm now beginning to think you don't really get over someone until you've met someone new that you have the same strong feelings of love for? Is this true? Or am I not normal to be feeling like this after all those years? What are your thoughts and experiences on this?
In Sync Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I've been separated from who I thought was the love of my life for nearly three years now. I have maintained NC right from the split and didn't respond to an attempt by my ex to have contact again a year after we split. Due to distance we have never seen each other again during these three years. And we never will. Although I lead a normal life as a single now, there's still some sort of emptiness when I think of the ex. I thought that would be long gone by now. I thought I would hardly think of him at all by now. I'm now beginning to think you don't really get over someone until you've met someone new that you have the same strong feelings of love for? Is this true? Or am I not normal to be feeling like this after all those years? What are your thoughts and experiences on this? In brief it's been nearly eight months that the person whom I loved at the time...that same person who broke off with me..I too have not seen or heard of them. And it was getting to me, I'm realizing that the reason I had a hard time letting go is a deep rooted hurt that was never resolved. I too have thought if I meet someone that will enable me to get over him. But through God's grace and prayer and my self will, to place the responsibility of getting over someone with another is like looking for a bandaid to cover the hurt. How unfair to use my new love as a means to get over an old love gone. My new future love is out there for me, but I will come to him, free of dragging my baggage and expectations that he will be the one to get me to get over the ex. No way. I am willing to wait, but in the meanwhile, I want to mentally fit, spiritually in line and positive. SO I must do a lot of work on me in those areas and when I bring me to the table, I hope it's a bright shiny me with a fresh attitude. Afterall reverse the concept..how would you feel if the man you intend to love is hurting from an old memory and is using you to get over it. You would sense that he might be comparing you when you two kiss, you may sense he's not fully over the ex. You would feel if it's someone you love that something in his past is still haunting him. I think too often we bring our ghosts of pasts relationships into our new ones. Just my thoughts on the matter.
Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 "Afterall reverse the concept..how would you feel if the man you intend to love is hurting from an old memory and is using you to get over it." I am not using anyone. As I stated, I am single. I am not looking for a band aid, on the contrary, I have taken (a lot!) of time out from dating and I'm still not dating now. " I too have thought if I meet someone that will enable me to get over him. " I have never thought that. My question is not about using a new love to get over an old one, but thanks for your input anyway.
shelters Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Everyone processes differently. Although I am not in love with my first love and I was the one who left, I still carry a place in my heart for him to this day. My heart still aches every once in a while when I think of different memories. My situation is slightly different than yours because we are in contact with each other now (although we weren't for over a year after the split). Are you still in love with this person? Have you thought of contacting him? Would you even want to go back? Would you want him in your life now as a friend?
Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 "Although I am not in love with my first love and I was the one who left, I still carry a place in my heart for him to this day. My heart still aches every once in a while when I think of different memories." Thanks for your reply. Yes, it's a bit like that. "Are you still in love with this person? Have you thought of contacting him? Would you even want to go back? Would you want him in your life now as a friend?" No, I'm not in love with him anymore and I don't want to go back. Maybe In Sync was right when referring to unresolved hurt. There's no point in contacting him though, because he won't help resolving this hurt. I might have wanted him in my life as a friend when I knew we were splitting up, but he made this impossible as he turned out to be no friend at all in the end. So that's it really. My question relates to what a male friend of mine recently told me. He went through a bad break up, was single for years and had resigned to being single for the rest of his life. Although he kept sort of hurting inside from time to time, he just got on with his single life and was generally doing ok. Then out of the blue he meets his girl, they get together and are now in a happy relationship. It's not until that happened, so he tells me, that the hurt over the previous break up and his ex has suddenly and completely gone. I'm currently not looking for someone. But I don't want to be feeling this way until I meet someone else. Now I'm afraid I will. :-(
shelters Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 My question relates to what a male friend of mine recently told me. He went through a bad break up, was single for years and had resigned to being single for the rest of his life. Although he kept sort of hurting inside from time to time, he just got on with his single life and was generally doing ok. Then out of the blue he meets his girl, they get together and are now in a happy relationship. It's not until that happened, so he tells me, that the hurt over the previous break up and his ex has suddenly and completely gone. I could see that. I would say for me when I have been in a relationship my attention is naturally focused on the present not the past, but I couldn't say the memories were 'completely gone.' Remember that when you are not in a relationship you've got tons of time to reflect. Even if it not merely that (tons of time on your hands), try to reassure yourself that that is all it is anyway. Go out and date. Meet people. Nurture a hobby you've always wanted to spend more time on but never did. Don't have hobbies? Find some! Learn about yourself. Really engage in this part of your life because you won't always be single. Enjoy the freedoms of singlehood. Someday you'll be married with kids and will have everyone pulling at you every which way for your time and attention. So don't take all this time you have for yourself for granted! Most importantly, rather than look to 'get over' something (him)- be proud of being someone who feels deeply. Give that same depth to your friendships in your life.
In Sync Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 "Afterall reverse the concept..how would you feel if the man you intend to love is hurting from an old memory and is using you to get over it." I am not using anyone. As I stated, I am single. I am not looking for a band aid, on the contrary, I have taken (a lot!) of time out from dating and I'm still not dating now. " I too have thought if I meet someone that will enable me to get over him. " I have never thought that. My question is not about using a new love to get over an old one, but thanks for your input anyway. I was not accusing you of anything like using someone, I was offering a thought, a perspective, so please don't take offense. If anything applies to you take from it if it doesn't shrug it off. I was taking from your original post the concept of waiting to get over someone the idea of until you fall in love with someone. My only contention is, we sometimes (and again I'm meaning we as plural we) do think that to get over someone we will when we fall in love. I think that when we let and unresolved hurt aunattended we think a new love will be the cure. When in fact we do bring that unresolved hurt into our next relationships. It's still in you hurts from childhood do go away so a hurt from a relationship in which you were in love won't disappear just because we meet somebody else, but that hurt in the form of anger or defensivenss will manifest itself in our next relationships. Then we start repeating patterns and problems arise because we haven't dealt with the pain from before. Once again just my reflections.
PeanutHead88 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Yes I do believe that it takes someone else for all the hurt to gay away, I meen when you love someone It will take a long time, and when that other special person comes It will be all worth the pain you endured from that experience.
sick of it Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 i think the only reason why it "takes another person" is because this new person validates us. Im guessing that the people who "need someone new for the pain to go away," have been hurt badly and think poorly of themeselves (me included). this new person merely is a way of proving to ourselves that we are worthy of someone else. its the proof weve needed. we can say how we're worthy all along, but if no one is there, it can get hard to believe. the new person is the proof.
Brittanyjean06 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Were not talking about rebounding here that is totally different. For some of us It will take another person, not rebound, BUT a real new love and I believe thats what it takes
sick of it Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 then i dont think i understand the distinction....im not talking about a person to feel better immediately...thats a rebound
In Sync Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I'm not speaking of rebound when I was talking about "the falling in love with someone else" to finally get over. For me a rebound is undeniably a quick fix. I'm clearly speaking about, the concept posted here by Guest, "I'm now beginning to think you don't really get over someone until you've met someone new that you have the same strong feelings of love for?"
sick of it Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 i agree with you INSYNC its because a lot of the time, theres a fear that you will never feel the same for someone...rebounds are quick fixes with not a huge attachment. it takes the new love to convince you that you can, in fact, love again.
In Sync Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 i agree with you INSYNC its because a lot of the time, theres a fear that you will never feel the same for someone...rebounds are quick fixes with not a huge attachment. it takes the new love to convince you that you can, in fact, love again. Just to be clear the quotations above is from Guest. I personally don't think you get over someone until you meet someone. I mean yes and no. Habitually I think that has been a idea I used to believe, but lately from this experience I've had, and introspection as to how I behave habituall, I see that it's during the gaps of time whhen I have not been in love with someone and I am involved with my life and doing things that satisfy me and challenge me, I don't need to fall in love with someone esle to get over the ex love. Beofre this past x. I was happy. I wasn't recovering from another breakup. I was living my life and enjoying myself. Which is why it's a self-pity idea to think you only really get over someone when you meet someone else. If you're not living your life to the fullest and harbor this thought in your subconscious...it seems like you're pinning for for your ex indefinitely. Until you are saved. I don't get that! Losing a love is a setback...I can be emotionally free and full of love and happiness which is what love is even before my next love.
riobikini Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Guest, I think InSync really pegged the answer(s) you needed to hear in her first post. Re-read them. Not only is the post clear, -but she has qualified it, as well- plus, there's pure gold between the lines. -Rio
Guest Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Were not talking about rebounding here that is totally different. For some of us It will take another person, not rebound, BUT a real new love and I believe thats what it takes Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. This is the first time I've posted here and I think it's really lovely everyone of you has taken the time and effort to reply to a 'guest' :-) In Sync, I know what you mean and I know that's how it's *supposed* to be, but I (still) wonder how much of it is how it actually goes in real life. I think Brittanyjean06 has a point too. Having thought about it a bit more after reading some replies, I now think it maybe doesn't have so much to do with the ex or with feelings of unresolved hurt. I think it revolves about having truly loved once and knowing that's the best feeling in the world. So not about being loved and getting validation, but about having loved. My life is fine, in fact it's a lot better than when I was with the ex, I love my friends and family and I engage in all sorts of activities, but there appears to be something missing from time to time. Not the ex, but the feelings of love I once held (for him). So maybe I should have rephrased my initial question. It's not so much about 'truly getting over someone', but 'is it possible to live truly happily without feeling that sort of love again?'. In other words, once you've experienced that kind of love, can you really be happy without it or are you just going to be content until you experience that feeling again with someone else? I guess I will find out eventually :-)
Guest Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Yes I do believe that it takes someone else for all the hurt to gay away, I meen when you love someone It will take a long time, and when that other special person comes It will be all worth the pain you endured from that experience. Another afterthought of mine: could it be that what we mourn for when we go through all the stages of a break up, is not the loss of the ex as such, but the loss of love? We keep associating that lost love with the lost ex. It's like we get them mixed up, mistake one for the other. We feel that we are missing the ex, but in reality we are missing the love we once felt for that ex. That might explain why people find it so difficult to get over an abusive person. But it's not the abusive person who is missed, it's the love once associated with that person before he or she turned out to be abusive. So in my case, it's not the ex I need to get over anymore, it's the lost love. And maybe I won't get truly over that until I find that kind of love again? Please do not misunderstand me. I'm not saying I can't be happy without it. I'm saying I would be happier with it. Does that make any sense?
Brittanyjean06 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 shh Im peanuthead88 to! I in some ways understand your post above, a little confusing..but for the most part I understand the point your trying to make I am reading this book and It talks about how were not truely in love with them, but in the state of being in love...and we feel as if we need that person to place that love upon so we can truely feel the love, but were in the state of love giving all this love to them...and here they are not doing it back. Yes life is so much brigher when we are in love...but the love can come from within us It will just take time for you to be able to enjoy life on your own, and I think you need to love your self first before loving any body else...other wise you get walked upon and lost. This is your test to see if you can live life happily alone, and you are not necessarily alone..I'm sure you have friends and what not!( that love you dearly) Your so used to being with them, and feeding that " love" from them, that its addictive, its like a drug, and yes you can go through withdrawls...but It will take time and sooner than you know you will laugh again, and possibly love again and than another heart ache AND OH it never ends haha just kidding
stronggirl Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Really engage in this part of your life because you won't always be single. Enjoy the freedoms of singlehood. Someday you'll be married with kids and will have everyone pulling at you every which way for your time and attention. So don't take all this time you have for yourself for granted! great response!
Pantero Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Just to be clear the quotations above is from Guest. I personally don't think you get over someone until you meet someone. I mean yes and no. Habitually I think that has been a idea I used to believe, but lately from this experience I've had, and introspection as to how I behave habituall, I see that it's during the gaps of time whhen I have not been in love with someone and I am involved with my life and doing things that satisfy me and challenge me, I don't need to fall in love with someone esle to get over the ex love. Beofre this past x. I was happy. I wasn't recovering from another breakup. I was living my life and enjoying myself. Which is why it's a self-pity idea to think you only really get over someone when you meet someone else. If you're not living your life to the fullest and harbor this thought in your subconscious...it seems like you're pinning for for your ex indefinitely. Until you are saved. I don't get that! Losing a love is a setback...I can be emotionally free and full of love and happiness which is what love is even before my next love. Agreed. Try not to think of it in terms of finding someone else to get over your ex. Rebound, not a rebound, whatever - don't f*** someone else over and then f*** yourself over. Focus on you. Spend time on you. Be selfish. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU until that emptiness is gone. Only then can you truly move on once you're free emotionally and mentally. Don't bring baggage into the next one... My 2 cents.
Recommended Posts