Philipek Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 After posting about my break up I decided to take the advice of some of the forumers here and write my break up experiences down on paper. I write a lot, I spend most of my time writing, but I have never really taken the opportunity to write candidly and openly about myself. So I wrote a short autobiography by means of honest self analysis. After a few days I reread what I had written and at the end of it I had a rather sad epiphany. I am really, really messed up. Not just because of this break up, that's hell on earth but as everyone keeps saying, it's temporary and everyday my feelings for her fade away to the warm memories of better times. No, my revelation occurred whilst I was on an entirely different train of though. I realised that I have pretty much self-destructed my whole existence. When I see what I have chosen to do with my time over the past twenty-seven years I had to start asking myself not what another woman can offer me, but rather what can I offer to another woman? And I really can't see anything in me that a woman would want to have. What I wanted, with my ex, was to spend the rest of my life with someone I love. But when I read my own life story, I can't help but think that no woman in the world would be willing to put up with me for quite that amount of time. Please don't think I am just being narcissistic or masochistic, or feeling down in the dumps... I am, but it's far more than that. I realise that as an asset my body would maybe cut muster given a little care and attention. My ex always used to say I was handsome, I've never believed that and I don't now, but everything is the right place and I don't think I'm any uglier than anyone else lingering in the average looks department. My face has managed to attract a few women over the years, so it can't be that bad. However, what woman would want the crazy, unpredictable mess that's rattling around in my skull? It's not that I am a bad person, it's just that I am an irresponsible and emotionally stunted retard. It's not a self-esteem issue, rather a Freudian conclusion based on careful self analysis. So, my question is not whether I am a suitable candidate for love, but rather how can I change myself into a suitable candidate for love? I am frankly at an impasse on this matter, and if anyone out there has an idea, please let me know. I can post the autobiography, if anyone wants to see it, but it's quite long. I'll let you decide. Quite frankly I'd prefer not to divulge my life in such graphic detail but I do it because I guess you have to understand me to help me, or at least point me in right the direction. And sad as this may sound, I don't actually have any friends around to bore rigid, so I inflict my pain on hopefully sympathetic strangers. Please help me. I know that I have really, really mucked about the last few years, and now I need to know how to stop. How do you change everything about yourself? And I know I can't, and I know I shouldn't have to, but somehow I get the impression its the only solution. PS. Yes, I know a shrink would be a good idea, but I can't afford one... and there are few language barrier issues here. Better yet, a few years in a mental asylum.
riobikini Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Dear Philipek, As I read your post, I began to smile. Not because you're in so much distress over your discovery of your 'condition', -but rather, because you have 'woken up' to a much more majorly important aspect of what trauma, disappointment, heartbreak, and similar things can cause you to *see* ...and *be*. It's a good thing. (Smile) Why go through all the pain and effort if nothing good comes out of it? It has *purpose*. re: Philipek: " ...how can I change myself into a suitable candidate for love? I am frankly at an impasse on this matter, and if anyone out there has an idea, please let me know. Answer: keep defining the lens of your focus. The redefined, more focused, deeper question that will lead to *your* answer is not "How can I change myself into a more suitable candidate for *love* ?" but " How can I change myself into someone more suitable for my purpose in *life* ? " ***Love, whether it winds up hurting you, or causing happiness, is a method of self-discovery, and has the ability to change everyone -for the better.*** Let it. And love will follow. -Rio P.S. Keep reading the boards and use the search feature to pull up more info on this subject. Search by topic...use words that relate...you'll be surprised at the helpful info you dig up. Take care.
Outcast Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 There are armload of self-help books that help folks do just that. Try Dr. Phil's 'Self Matters' for one. Or go read through some of the best-selling self-help books and see if they speak to you. You can certainly do all sorts of attitude adjustment of your own and change your own self if you want to. On the issues of love and relationships, try stuff by John Gottman, Willard Harley, and Gary Chapman for starters.
Author Philipek Posted May 19, 2006 Author Posted May 19, 2006 How can I change myself into someone more suitable for my purpose in *life* ? " I guess only I know the answer to that. But I have lived a strange life, and believe me it's been pretty tough. I've managed to overcome a broken home, an abusive alcoholic father, a prostitute mother, a junkie sister, a string of meaningless romances and a few months living rough on the street. I've never settled down. I've gotten through two degrees and four countries, done a string of varied and rather unusual jobs... and I am privileged to have had the chance. But I never found something to enthrall me. I feel as though I've spent my whole life searching and trying and what I get left with is nothing much. What I have at this moment in time is a one room flat that I can’t afford and about 50 zloty (15dollars) in my pocket. Money isn’t important to me, but without even the privilege of close friends nearby to compensate it just gets me thinking even more. I am prone to doing to the most ridiculous things, without a care for the consequences. And quite frankly I feel exhausted. I am well versed in the art of survival... I am here now, sad but not suicidal, and feeling grateful to have what I have. I used to work for Oxfam, and I've seen people with far less. But feeling empty and hollow, like a drained phone battery. I'm down, but far from out... and I am trying not to mope. The ex leaving threw me because I finally thought that I'd found some peace, and after so many years that was what I needed. But now I am back to the start again. Staring at train tracks and dreaming of aimless wandering like an overgrown Huck Finn. I’m 27, not 10, and that's what worries me. Is there too much baggage? I have reached rock bottom, though rock bottom is still better than where I started and there’s only up to look forward to. But in what direction is up? I wish I knew. Should I just accept defeat? Should I stop striving to lead a wild and unusual life under the misguided belief that it’s romantic? Should I just accept that what I have to do is get a house, get a car, get a TV, spend my life rotting in a suit and tie in a faceless office park, coming home at night to an apathetic cat and a pile of bills? Spending Saturday fixing the roof and driving to the supermarket. Is suburban hell what I need? Is that what I have to change? Perhaps there's a woman out there who could thrive on the unpredicabilty and capriciousness that follows me around like a shadow. But I doubt it. PS. Will take your advice and search the forums for answers.
riobikini Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Philipek, You have just begun. And you have *exactly* what it takes (had it all along) now that your eyes are opening to do very surprising -and positive- things with your life. Good that the girl friend left you. Good that you took a backward glance at your life thus far. Good that you are disturbed by it. And even better that you are spurred to do something totally different with your life. >Clean slate appearing now<. A 'clean slate' doesn't mean that everything behind you -the baggage, the memories, the experiences- are all worthless. On the contrary: *they are the fuel you'll burn for future strength.* None of our experiences are worthless, -all of them come into play at some point later on, more than likely when we least expect them to. If I'm hearing you right, most of those experiences left you with a few scars -pain that possibly caused you some anger, feelings of abandonment- but most of all, feelings that caused you to think, sometimes, that you didn't 'count', or were 'lesser-than' in some way. *Those feelings lied to you*: you do count, you are important, you are worthy, you are capable of being loved , -and all of that is true no matter how you were brought up, or by whom. You cannot change your background, but you can damn sure make it work for you. In case you're wondering *how I know*, -well, (smile) -I'm speaking from my own personal life experience. I would never steal your thread to tell you all my own story, -but I wish it were possible to let you in on a few of the details. There's no place for that here in the forum, -so I can only give you emphatic, fierce, understanding with what words of encouragement I write here, to let you know there is every reason to turn your past, my past, and the next person's past- from something considered shameful, and useless, to something amazingly powerful, useful, and more than capable of offering plenty of success and happiness....to yourself, and others. So the answer to your question, "Should I accept defeat?" Absolutely not! Answer to your other question, " Should I stop striving to lead a wild and unusual life under the misguided belief that it’s romantic? " If that's what you've been doing, then -yes!- stop it! You know it's misguided (your words), and, now, you know your efforts in "striving" are leading you in the wrong direction. Answer to your third question, "Should I just accept that what I have to do is get a house, get a car, get a TV, spend my life rotting in a suit and tie in a faceless office park, coming home at night to an apathetic cat and a pile of bills?" (Smile) You're not ready for suburbia, my friend. Suburbia would kick you out. *But* if I'm figuring your personality just right -and even with $15 bucks to your name, right now- I think you're an 'ace pick' for owning your own business. Roll that around for awhile. -Rio
Author Philipek Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 I just reread this. Not the most cheary of things... er sorry. But this is my mind. Last night I was supposed to have a date, with a girl called Ilona. It was a blind date, we've never met, and I doubt now that we will ever meet. She knew what I look like, from a description, and where I was supposed to be waiting. I stood for an hour on the street corner holding a box of chocolates and a red rose. This was supposed to be a romantic thing, me trying to learn what you told me, that I should go out and live my life. So I tried. I really tried. But she never showed up. She can't have missed me, I am not hard to miss, and how many English people stand on Pruszków street corners holding flowers and chocolates? I guess she took one look at me, and ran away. An hour I stood there and waited, looking like a fool for the whole town. The shop keepers here know me, and they all laughed at me. Well, so much for that, but I was determined not to give up. So I decided to go somewhere, somewhere where no one knows me. It was 8:30 at night, and I checked the times at the train station, to see where I could go. I choose to go to Skierniewice. It's the last town on the line and full of symbolism. I arrived about 10pm, wandered around the town and checked out a few bars. Everyone I went to, I tried to meet people. I tried dancing, I tried to make friends, maybe even meet another girl that I can spend the rest of my life with. But no one was interested, not a soul. I went to three bars, I danced, I tried to chat up women, and not one of them wanted to know. I went out there and tried to live my life without her, I tried to have a good time, but in the end I was forced to admit defeat, to admit that no one does, nor ever will want me. I remembered Lalka (The Doll), it's a famous 19th Century Polish novel by Bolesław Prus. I remembered the main character, Wokulski. I remembered why he got off the train in that god awful town. Because he had dedicated his life to a woman he loved, he never gave up, he suffered and suffered through that whole book, and in the end he realised that no matter what he did, the woman he loved would never love him. And knowing that there was only one woman out there in the world, that only one woman who would ever make him happy, it crushed him. It was like an arrow through his heart. He couldn't see a life before him, so he lay against the rails and waited for a train to end it all. That's why I did. I walked to the tracks, laid down against them and sobbed, waiting for the express to come and take away the pain that fills my every waking moment. And like the eponymous Wokulski, I was rescued. Dragged away from the tracks kicking and screaming. The police took me to the station, gave me tea, and asked me what the matter was. One of them spoke a little English, so with the basic Polish I have, we managed to get by. I was finger printed, had my passport photocopied and allowed to go if I promised to go and get help. I told them I would, but I lied. I slept on a bench in the train station till morning, and returned on the first train. You probably think that I am a stupid fool in need of psychiatric help, and I'm not inclined to disagree with you. But you know what? I have learned something from this. I have learned that no matter what I do, it makes no difference. That she does not love me, nor will allow me to love her, because I am not the sort of person who fate deems worthy enough to bless with the gift of happiness. I have learned that my fate lies elsewhere. What I am trying to say is this: I finally understand why she cannot be with me. She cannot be with me for the same reason that no one can be with. Not only am I ugly, and don't say this is a fallacy, because last night proved that. If I were not ugly, surely some woman, some desperate drunken single, would have danced with me. If I were not ugly, I could have kissed a stranger, and taken comfort from it. But I am ugly, and this I accept. But the thing I learned is that what's inside of me, what I have here in my heart, it is shallow and vacuous. It's just empty space. No matter what I do to show I love, no matter how hard I try to make her love back she won't because there is nothing in me to love any more. She broke my heart, but at least she allowed me the once chance in life to feel love. I wish that she had not learned of me, before I learned of me. Before I looked deep into my soul at the impending moment of my death and realised that you cannot love something that cannot be loved. So I thank her for her last epiphany. Now I know that love will never come my way, that I will never find another, that I will never have my house, my kids, that I will never sit on a park bench as an old man, holding the hand of someone I've given my life to. I have nothing to give. I gave her everything, and it wasn't enough, not for one second did she look into my eyes and let her heart be filled with joy. I guess she just saw my cold, defeated soul staring back at her and ran for fear. But it's a relief, in a way. Now I know my fate is be alone, to die alone and forgotten, I don't have to try. I can give up. I will write, I will sit in my room and write sad etutes. I will ignore the world around me, and try not to get in its way, for I have nothing to give it and it has nothing it wants to give to me. I have nothing to fear any more, I have seen my future in the flashing lights of that intercity train. It's beeping horn awoke the truth. Another minute and I wouldn't be here writing this. But I am, and so I am thankfull for this. There is nothing left for me to fear. This is a gift I have been given. It's a relief. I feel as though all my dreams have gone out of the window, but at the same time I know that all those dreams I had were just a myth, just a fallacy, something to keep me from accepting the reality in which I live. I am grateful to have enjoyed the pleasure of being in love, to have had the butterflies swimming in my stomach at the thought of another person and to know that someone felt the same towards me, even for a moment. Many people never had the chance, and though our love has faded to hate, and though she now despise mes, I relish those moments. She gave me love, and I know that I truly gave it back in return. So I guess I carry on living. I have hit the bottom, I reached the bottom of the world and there is nothing left to do but climb up. My dreams have altered, my hopes haven't vanished, only changed. All I want know is to be left alone, from now until the day that I die. I resign from the world, from a house, from a wife, from a family. They are not my dreams, and fate deems me another path. All I can hope for now is that I have food in my belly and roof over my head. It's not a pleasant future, for you it must seem an over reaction, but for me it's safe, and painless. She is my phantom limb, and she will tingle forever. Well, that's my revelation and my acceptance of fate. It's not the happiest conclusion to draw from a break-up, but at least I take comfort from it.
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 We are who we think we are. Until something -or someone- changes our thinking. That 'someone' could be a stranger, someone you already know, -or yourself, Philipek. I hope, in something I say here, -or something I inspire, that you hang on for the chance to *know* that life is a journey that, as long as you're facing it head-on, offers promise beyond what you expect, or can imagine at this point in your life. And it is well worth all the trouble. Meanwhile, stay off the train tracks, stop testing fate. *Be the engineer of your own life.* Sincerely, -Rio
scobro Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I've managed to overcome a broken home, an abusive alcoholic father, a prostitute mother, a junkie sister, a string of meaningless romances and a few months living rough on the street. You have made me feel not so bad about myself.Geez compared to you I feel great:D Thanks Seriously though anyone who has overcome what you have has the right attitude to succeed.Money is an issue in the sense you need some to function in society with or without a meaningful relationship. hANG IN THERE LITTLE CAMPER.
Author Philipek Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 riobikini: Maybe. I thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I'm just going to give up on women. Rather give up looking and give up wondering. My new paradigm is this: single and staying that way. I can deal. I want to in fact. That's really what I was trying to say. In a bad way, I grant you. I surrender to fate. Whatever else happens is a bonus. As for my own business No, I don't think that's for me. I can't organise my kitchen cupboard, let alone a company. Besides, I trained as an archaeologist and there's not a lot of call for swimming pools in Poland I have another plan. Rather another dream. Like most of my life, its in the extreme, but we shall see...
chocolate_boy Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I must say Philpek, you are like us all, human beings are vastly complex creatures, and none of us know why we are here, if you think about it, life itself has no purpose, we don't know how or why we are here, just some of us feel this identity crisis a bit more than others (it can also make you a little reckless if you realise nothing really matters ) You also seem like an old romantic, your writing is amazingly colorful, you could write a very deep and emotional book, or be a poet (plus chicks dig that ) Sometimes you just need to find a person who is on your wave length, I'm similar to you, I analyse everything too much, think all the time, and get deeply emotionally affected by things such as this. My last gfriend just wasn't right for me, she's now with a tall jock guy, the good looking athletic type who isn't very thoughtful, which is what suits her, the important things in her life are keeping in shape, she wants to have nice hair, and 2.4 children, a suburban house, normal life... I have always been different to that. It made me feel trapped and depressed at the time, even though by my friends standards I had it all, I see now why that ended. I have a friend (who is also an ex) who is with me, we want to live life to the max, I want to see and do everything, then retire to a gorgeous tropical island, and spend my days in a hammock over the ocean in the sun... I don't want a normal "settled down" life. In all seriousness, I lost the person I loved more in the world, through my own fault several years ago, and yeah I have been through break-ups and relationships since, and they have hurt, but eventually you learn to deal with it. I know from experience and I know how it feels and just wanted to tell you that you'll get there in the end just roll with the punches for the time being. Even though my last ex was by no means the "love of my life" I was still hit with all the same feelings you are, the lostness, alone feeling, being unlovable.. but after 8 months, I have dealt with it and moved on.. there is still a small empty feeling ocassionally, when you realise you don't have a significant other (which is part of human nature, we are not designed to be alone). One thing I have learnt about life is never to expect anything, often the things you feel are least likely to happpen, do! Think about life as a movie or a stage-show, people come into our lives, maybe for no reason at all, but whatever purpose we have, any whyever our lives cross, we do take a little something of them with us, and that will last forever. But as people exit stage to the left, others come on and the story develops, that you cannot stop. But everytime it happens, it happpens for a reason, some of us just feel it harder than others. And it has been a test of character for me and I feel like I am close to passing out on that front I have come so far. You will do the same. It seems now you are at a big crossroads in life at the moment. There are several paths you can take, but you need to keep going. Lay off chicks for the time being, you are not ready for a relationship, take baby-steps and enjoy discovering yourself... Let it out however you need be, if its writing, painting, travelling, dancing, singing, what ever, just see this as a slow process to self-discovery. good luck, and keep us updated my friend.
Author Philipek Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 You also seem like an old romantic, your writing is amazingly colorful, you could write a very deep and emotional book, or be a poet (plus chicks dig that ) One thing I have learnt about life is never to expect anything, often the things you feel are least likely to happpen, do! Chocolate_boy: I think that you are prescient, or maybe a prophet? What you said there, you'll never know the joy a single sentence can bring. If I could, I'd hug you. I shan't divulge too much detail at this early stage, but I will say one thing: I had a weird night. A very weird night. Actually I haven't even been to bed yet. All I will say is this: When you hit the bottom, as I have done, when there's nowhere else to go but up, something comes along and blows you mind... and changes everything. Fate is a mysterious handmaiden indeed. One day nothing to live for, the next day everything to live for... I wish understood the world. And I pray that I am not mealy a manic depressive riding the up part of the roller-coaster and waiting for another fall. But I think I am going to be ok, really I do. It's too soon to say for certain... but I have a special plan up my sleeve. I'll keep you posted. But enough catharsis for me. I think I'll do my best to give back now... maybe even I can find a few words of wisdom to empart on others. Thanks for hearing me out, and watch this space.
riobikini Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 (Smile) Philipek, Write the novel that's in you. -Rio
jerbear Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 As for my own business No, I don't think that's for me. I can't organise my kitchen cupboard, let alone a company. Besides, I trained as an archaeologist and there's not a lot of call for swimming pools in Poland May I suggest a Bed & Breakfast outside of Warsaw, Krakow, Siedice, or Ludz? Yes, include a swimming pool.
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