a long road............

[brokendown]

I met my fiancé online about 8yrs ago *20, now 28*. Within months feelings were developed and I drove 16hrs to meet her face to face. Things went great. Short visit then I drove back home. Drove back down to pick her up, and she visited me up here. In the time we made a decision to stay in my city. We drove back down, got her stuff, and made her permanent residence with me. We lived with my father for a few years. With both of us being very active computer users, we where pretty much the only thing each other had. Yeah we had previous feelings for others in the past but our hearts were now settled.

 

We moved from my fathers place to our own about 4 yrs ago. About 2.5yrs ago an affair took place on her end. Things felt wrong, I had a feeling... I was right. She never admitted anything on her own, I was always pulling teeth... The relationship lasted awhile, sexually or not I do not know all the details, just some major ones...

 

Anyways... Last year things seemed much better, begining to trust her again, decided to take a step forward and we got engaged.. Date was "sometime summer 06'". Back in November of 05, she became very active in a sports league... I’ve met some of the other teamates, get along great... But she's on 3rd shift now, I’m on 1st. She had no choice in the matter, I actually signed a 3rd shift job just so we'd have more time together. I know that with the problems we've had, we need some time together to heal... She's been hanging out alot with the sports girls and friends and just becoming overall very social. There’s been little things I’ve asked her to do like "if you go out, leave me a note, don’t have me come home to an empty house with you no where in sight". There has been various different cases of that... Also a lot of times I just don’t believe anything she says... I often think "if she had only told me the truth earlier on, maybe I'd believe her this time".

 

There been a lot of tension in the house the past couple weeks. Early last week she told me "she needs time". She’s been doing her own thing, me doing mine... I’ve actually been trying to be more social, so I’m not sitting here... I do feel its good to be social, but her and the things we have are more important then going and spending $40 at the bar to get wasted and sleep all the next day. I’d be content with me and her and the small social life we had. This afternoon we had a talk, one that she initiated the week prior of us needing to talk... She stated she knows that right now were on a pretty wobbly stand... She feels that her social gatherings and such are an underlying issue. Being that she's been dedicated since she was just about 16 *me and another guy*, she never really had the time to party it up... She does feel that it is unfair for her to do what she's doing, and hurting me in the process. This whole conversation was something I played in my head before it was discussed. Intuition...

 

She said she felt the wedding date for this summer would be inappropriate for our current terms, and that she feels she hasta do this phase, other wise it has the possibility to be a forever underlying issue, regardless of who she is with.. I do understand her feelings on that point... There are thing in my past I had thought of being different, but my feelings for her override them things... I don’t NEED for them things to happen. I mentioned to her if she's ever given thought to us taking a time away from each other. I know that sometimes these can be good & sometimes they can be bad... It wasn’t something she had given too much thought about as it caught her off guard I think.

 

I’ve never gotten angry with her really whenever something has happen. Non aggressive, non confrontational. I just deal with stuff in stride.. I dont think she's ever felt pain for her actions.. If I break a glass, not only am I going to hafta clean it up, but buy a new one as well.. She expressed the fact that usually the "time" things never end on a positive note... I pretty much just nodded that I was aware of this..

 

My downfall is optimism... I believe anything is possible... 100: 1 odds.... I'll make it... that's just how I am. Work, leisure, recreations... All have the same moto. Neither of us wants to deal with moving and all our belongings and our dogs... The whole "who gets what" scenario... The financial burden on both of us made me crack. I don’t wanna see anyone struggle. At one point during the talk roomateing came up, rather then completely time apart... Roomating pretty much to be easier on us financially.

 

I caved... But the more I think about it... I'll still be wondering, I'll still have the inquisition, and I'll still be heartbroken and lonely. As I sit here right now ready for bed, she's off drinking with her friends. I’m stuck in a rut and it hurts like hell....... opinions??? Thanks for the support...

[chewy01234]

I can't say I know exactly how you feel but I have dated a girl that cheated on me twice. It feels so degrading to stay with someone who cheated on you, I know. I felt like less of a man. But I made myself trust her again, well, at least I made her think I trusted and she did it again.

 

I'm not trying to say once a cheater always a cheater but what I am saying is Once a cheater always suspected. Unless she is willing to let you check up on her at all times (which isnt exactly healthy) then you are always going to be agonizing and trying to play it cool all the time. You're life will be miserable.

 

I know it seems like she is everything you want, and again I've never gone out with a girl past 2.5 years but the thing is you'll never be happy with yourself if you stay with her.

 

(also I hate giving this advice because I feel like I'm saying it to myself right now. I know everything I'm saying to you I should listen closely to but I can't. I know what it is to love so much you will believe anything. It's pathetic but its real.)

[Brittanyjean06]

I am just going to put something in here hopefully pertaining to atleast some part of the above thread. Look your feelings of your wife are always suspecting something from her, and with that feeling you were right once. When your married to someone, you should never feel this way and that goes for even dating someone

 

You shoulden't have to cheak up on her to make sure shes not cheating on you, a good wife woulden't cheat on you in the first place. If you feel weird about it than chances are your gut feeling is right. You can't change who this woman is , It's hard letting go of someone after cheating because you still have hope they'll change...They can possibly but by the looks of your feelings towards her I think you should trust your feelings

[brokendown]

after the ring was purchased last summer i did infact begin to trust her again. i believe people do make mistakes.. but her defensiveness when i'd ask questions always left me with her hiding something.. i asked her to try and see it my way..

 

since yesterday afternoon and our discussion of time apart.. her wanting us to be roomates... she's again went ut all night last night.. and is out right now as i sit here.. a few hours ago as i was lying down just reflecting on whats happened to us over the past 7 years, the memories & ideas of our future, the plans for a life together.. all shattered.. hurts like hell, and im not affraid to cry.. so seen me laying down and was actually pretty unphased by it all.. this is the first real relationship i've had to deal with, i sit here and think.. "in my time ahead of me, do i keep the mementos of the good times we had.. will my future wife *whomever she is* be understandable of what i had and have went through?? right now im just lost.. i wanna scream, i wanna become violent.. hell i've even thought about taking a bottle of her ambien with some rum just because this hurt so insanely.. just dont know how to deal with it.. it feels like im dying. :/

[BeHappy]

My ex broke up with me after 10 years together. It has been 3 months now. The first month was really hard. I thought i was going to die. i know how you feel. I wanted to marry him and have a baby. I wanted to build a future with him. Have you notice that this is what i want, not him. i realize that i am not going to force someone to marry me because that is not real. But trust me, it will get better. You deserve someone to treat you right. After, you realize that she does not deserve someone as good as you... =)

[brokendown]

yeah i sit here and look back at the things that we both talked about... living our lives together, having our first child.. i believe she was all for it.. we both agreed that them things would come though in due time.. i was fine with that.. her new hobby and new found single friends sparked something in her she felt she missed out on.. partying, living a single, adult lifestyle.. i CAN understand that scenario.. even though i wouldnt act on my own supressed items, simply because i look at the big picture and i release whats more important to me.. wanting to go nail as many chicks as possible.. or stick with the one i love and we raise a family *something i could say "this is why i am alive"*.. i guess she didnt look at that on her end.. i do believe time heals all wounds.. i do believe things happen for a reason.. altho i cannot see the reason right yet..

[Ruff Ryder]

I learnt the hard way,

 

I posted here the day after the break up, and just was to hard headed to listen to other people's advise.

 

What you need to do is play the hard ball tough love is what is needed NC is the best way to go about if. If you want her back through NC she will miss you and if she doesnt then you would have take the fist few steps to moving on. To put your mide at ease a little my ex FIANCE dated someone else within 2 days of the break up ( i think she was seeing him before the split) but that lasted 3 months he treated her like crap and they split up and a nasty one at that.

 

My ex now calls me every day texts me every day sends me mails all the time and I just dont respond. Human nature wants what they cant have. Take some space make new friends and keep to NC for min a month best would be 2. Wish her to be happy and for you to be happy.

 

Just be the person she fell in love with all the time. Remember if you were good to her she will always measure others up to you and they will fail because they are not you.

 

It doesnt matter at the end of the day who she is with, its not cheating if you are not dating her. So the best thing you can do is stay away for now and go out find other prople have fun (DO IT) no excuses that your not in the mood for it just DO IT.

 

If you feel that you were good for her then it will happen without you pussing it so just leave everything that relates to her and be you and have fun doing it. Go to gym start hobbies play sport make NEW friends.

 

Good luck my friend dont let the pain consume you

[brokendown]

over the past couple days i been trying to stay away from this aprtment as much as possible.. just coming back here just draws up old memories.. and i look at the way me and her or now.. she's off doing her own things and i am doing mine.. we both come as we please. and even the pain has gone away greatly.. i was looking in the rentals section yesterday, may give some of them a call today at break time.. there really is nothing to the relationship anymore, she probably has one else where.. almost positive of that.. and with that in mind it makes it easier to do with in the face of spite.. i wouldnt be surprised if im not moved outta here by june 1st..

[brokendown]

early this past week i told my now ex that i was looking for an apartment and would be out of here by july 1st.. in the talks me and her had prior to to this, we agreed that we'd stay together as roomates till we both had enough to cash both go our own ways.. this wasnt my idea, but i caved in to it, and am now the one suffering because of it.. the day i told her about me moving, she called me right away hysterical "i cant make it by july 1st, blah blah blah, we had an agreement". she's got more people to support her in what she's going through... which i doubt is much.. this being all her deciscion.. i got less people on my side, i wind up back at home more often and the heartache happens all over.. im seriously considering getting some money from a friend so i can get myself outta here quicker, even if it means double'ing rent for a month or two, just to passify her..

 

officially all the nails are in the coffin. yeah the past 2-3 weeks have been pretty much sealers.. the minimal contact. her going her way, me going mine.. but yesterday our conversation pretty much closed the deal.

her: what'd ya do yesterday?

me: hung out at jon's place

her: you been hanging out with jon alot havent you?

me: i'll hang with anyone just so i dont gotta be here

her: just seems odd that it took us breaking up for you to hang with him alot

 

 

in a case like this where we are at this point, i think down the road to my future and my belongings and memento's of us.. what should i do woth all this.. i told her i didnt want any of the stuff from our apartment *dont wanna see this stuff and bring back good memories and the pain of us not having more of them*. what should i do with stuff like computer pictures and stuff like that, that she is in? i hate to toss em, because naturaly i dont wanna give up the good times.. i'd never wish this pain upon my greatest enemy.... :/