success story

[movinon05]

I notice alot of OW stick together and bash others that have a different opinon on the matter. Which usually means its somthing they don't want to hear, its called reality. And yes some ppl will not be supportive of others who are OW/OM. Its fantastic to see so many women in the same boat stick together of course they are going to support each other. They are are pretty much share the same interests. You all should be proud of sticking up for each other.

 

Criticisms are not reality. What we notice is people jumping in here, reading one or two posts without knowing anything more and then throwing their stupid comments around.

 

We stick together because we all know each other and what each other is about, and what other people are going through. We don't have time for people who have nothing better to do than throw nasty comments around. Again, I say. Its nonproductive.

 

Do you see any of us when we post in other threads being nasty and sarcastic and belittling? No!

 

You people come in here with your curiosity and your high and mighty attitudes and I guess it makes you feel good to bash other people.

 

Well I hope it works for you. But don't expect us to stroke your egos or bow down to your uninformed opinions.

[target-d]

Criticisms are not reality. What we notice is people jumping in here, reading one or two posts without knowing anything more and then throwing their stupid comments around.

 

We stick together because we all know each other and what each other is about, and what other people are going through. We don't have time for people who have nothing better to do than throw nasty comments around. Again, I say. Its nonproductive.

 

Do you see any of us when we post in other threads being nasty and sarcastic and belittling? No!

 

You people come in here with your curiosity and your high and mighty attitudes and I guess it makes you feel good to bash other people.

 

Well I hope it works for you. But don't expect us to stroke your egos or bow down to your uninformed opinions.

 

well. . .

 

I've actually seen quite a bit of bashing of BS by the OW on this and other forums. Granted, they (the BS) haven't always been terribly polite to the OW, but the OW have often been exceedingly impolite to them as well - and oftentimes the OW have been impolite first.

 

It seems to me as well that often the opinions of others are not desired because they don't coincide with what people want to hear/read/speak.

 

In the case of Karis, I am happy for you. You dealt with a very difficult situation in a very adult manner. Your situation is not the situation of a number of people, and it's too bad that you got any heat at all from anyone.

 

BUT - there are a lot of situations for a lot of people, and it can be VERY difficult for a BS/commited person to see the break-up of a marriage defined as a success story. Granted, they should read the entire situation before they judge it. This sounds like it actually was a success story for everyone involved (even the wife).

 

I HAVE seen BS bashed by OW on the infidelity forum, being extremely nasty and belittling, so please, movinon05, don't think that the OW on this forum are any "better" than anyone else. EVERYONE can and does get caught up in their own emotions and react from that place. It isn't necessarily a good thing, but it is a very human one.

 

Good luck, Karis.

[Chump64]

I am a BS. I was told by an OW here at LS (who was dumped by her MM and apparently very bitter) that there "must be something wrong" with me and that I must have belittled my husband in the bedroom. So, that street runs both ways.

 

I am not here to make a judgment about the original poster's situation, but I just think it's sad any time a parent and child have no more contact. It sickens me to see this called a "success story" when there are lifelong blood relationships in the toilet because of what happened.

[Karis]

I am not here to make a judgment about the original poster's situation, but I just think it's sad any time a parent and child have no more contact. It sickens me to see this called a "success story" when there are lifelong blood relationships in the toilet because of what happened.

 

 

If the relationship between the MM in this story and his children end, it's because the W in this story chose to end it. Why does the OW have to bear that cross? How does that become the OW's fault?

 

I am no longer with the father of my child and his relationship with his son is not in the toilet. Neither of us will allow that. It's called maturity.

 

Relationships change and not always how we planned, but they change. Can we always control that? No, but we CAN control how we deal with it.

There are 2 people in a marraige...and 2 people control it. The Wife and the Husband.

[Chump64]

The wife was kind enough to "make peace" with you, but yet she withholds the child from the father? That doesn't make sense to me. I have a hard time believing OW or OM when they blame something entirely on the affair partner's scorned spouse. There are always two sides to every story. Out of fairness, betrayed spouses are also out of line when they blame everything on the OW or OM.

 

I am not blaming you, Karis. I just thought it was sad that you called this a success story when there is a parent-child bond that is destroyed. Or so it sounds. I read your post as a bit of a gloat that you succeeded in getting the man to leave his wife for you. I think that's fine -- I am sure there are people here who are heartened to read that. The child-parent thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I also have to wonder how aggressive your guy is, if he is willing to tolerate an ex who will not let him see his child. First of all, that isn't even legal, so he could fight it in that arena. It makes me wonder what his loyalty is to his child. (Edited: Never mind, I read that he "doesn't give a crap" about any of this. So, his loyalty to his kids is nonexistent. Check. Do you consider him "father material" for future kids of your own?)

 

I realize I am making assumptions and I am biased by b/c I am a BS. I could survive if my husband turned his back on me and left for good. I am not sure I could survive him doing that to his / my kids. I think that would set the stage for lifelong issues, not to mention heartbreak.

[movinon05]

I'll agree that I cannot speak for all OW. However, I do think the majority of us do not bash BS's. I think it comes across that way in some posts when we just say what is going on and converse.

 

I personally stay out of the Infidelity section out of respect for the BS, because I don't think they really want to hear from me, or what I think. And there are others there who can relate to other BSers and help them. Just as we OW/OM relate to each other and help each other.

 

I do think, however, that everyone is responsible in this type of situation - to some degree. But that's just my opinion.

[Jessie61]

I'll agree that I cannot speak for all OW. However, I do think the majority of us do not bash BS's. I think it comes across that way in some posts when we just say what is going on and converse.

 

I agree with this.

 

I also welcome BSs' posts. Most of them are insightful, probably because they come from a different perspective. Sometimes these posts are critical, but in a productive way. That is good.

 

But some posters do not offer anything but a "kicking of someone who is already down". I don't accept that. Yes it is probably done out of frustration, but I don't go around screaming the place down just because I am frustrated and angry. And I would certainly not look up a place where I can expect to get MORE frustrated.... I would seek out a place where I might get the support that I need, instead of lashing out against others.

[Karis]

The wife was kind enough to "make peace" with you, but yet she withholds the child from the father? That doesn't make sense to me. I have a hard time believing OW or OM when they blame something entirely on the affair partner's scorned spouse. There are always two sides to every story. Out of fairness, betrayed spouses are also out of line when they blame everything on the OW or OM.

 

I am not blaming you, Karis. I just thought it was sad that you called this a success story when there is a parent-child bond that is destroyed. Or so it sounds. I read your post as a bit of a gloat that you succeeded in getting the man to leave his wife for you. I think that's fine -- I am sure there are people here who are heartened to read that. The child-parent thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I also have to wonder how aggressive your guy is, if he is willing to tolerate an ex who will not let him see his child. First of all, that isn't even legal, so he could fight it in that arena. It makes me wonder what his loyalty is to his child. (Edited: Never mind, I read that he "doesn't give a crap" about any of this. So, his loyalty to his kids is nonexistent. Check. Do you consider him "father material" for future kids of your own?)

 

I realize I am making assumptions and I am biased by b/c I am a BS. I could survive if my husband turned his back on me and left for good. I am not sure I could survive him doing that to his / my kids. I think that would set the stage for lifelong issues, not to mention heartbreak.

 

 

 

It's time to end a thread when stories start getting twisted...

 

1. Nobody is blaming the W in this story for everything. Excuse me but I stated in my last post, it takes 2 for heavens sake.

 

2.. I never said he didn't give a crap about losing his kids. I said she was suing the crap out of him. I said he didn't regret leaving. He has visitation at this point in time but she is suing him for full custody. He wants joint custody.

 

3. You are obviously very hurt about your situation and I don't want to get into a battle with you on this forum. I don't know what happened to you but I wish you well.

 

4. Please don't make assumptions here. It doesn't help anyone.

[NoIDidn't]

I am no longer with the father of my child and his relationship with his son is not in the toilet. Neither of us will allow that. It's called maturity.

 

Relationships change and not always how we planned, but they change. Can we always control that? No, but we CAN control how we deal with it.

There are 2 people in a marraige...and 2 people control it. The Wife and the Husband.

 

Karis,

I think that is exactly what Chump64 is talking about. This guy's maturity. Is he sitting by watching himself lose access to his child/children because he doesn't care or is he just too emotionally stilted to do it. And, yes, I did read ALL of your posts from the past 4 months.

 

Not to put a damper on your "success story", as it may well be one, but the other poster made a point that is worth considering. He may wake up from his stupor and regret his decisions and blame you for being to selfish to push him to pursue more vigorously his relationship with his child/children. Notice I am not calling you selfish, but that he may say that is what motivated you to stay silent.

 

In the end, you say that you and the father of your child are mature. Is your MM "allowing this" (the custody loss) proving maturity? And it does seem that you are blaming the stbxw for keeping his child from him. Like you said, it takes two, again what is her stbxh, your mm, doing that allows this to go on? I realize that you are probably not saying everything here and totally respect that, but wanted to add to what Chump64 said because it didn't seem like it was being heard and hoping I could add clarity.

[Chump64]

Thank you, NoIdidn’t.

 

Most of his family won't speak to him and he will probably lose his kids as he can't afford the lawyer due to still being in their house and paying all the bills. I feel for him but he doesn't regret a thing.

 

You posted this on May 18th. You said he can’t afford a lawyer and will probably lose his kids. But today you are saying he is suing for custody? How can he suddenly afford a lawyer?

 

Your initial post made it sound like he was throwing everything out the door to be with you (including his kids), with no regrets. That’s what’s chilling. A man’s loyalty to his children is a great measure of his character and worth, much moreso than his loyalty to a marriage or girlfriend. He could do the same thing to you and your (future) children some day, be aware of that. But again, it’s hard to tell from what you are saying. One day he is too poor to fight for custody and the next day he’s ready to sue.

 

Anyway, I’m glad to hear he wants to fight for his kids, if that’s the case. I wish you had made that clear before. Honestly, you sounded quite flippant and as though you had little regard for the children involved.

 

I know it’s hard to hear a perspective from a BS sometimes, but I dislike the tactic taken by some OW on this site: “You are hurting and you can’t be logical so just stifle it.” I don’t know why you used this line – I am not blaming you for this situation or getting nasty and I have made absolutely no judgments about infidelity on this thread. My comments here are about loyalty to children -- something much more important than marital loyalty (IMO) -- and future possible implications for you.

[Karis]

You said he can’t afford a lawyer and will probably lose his kids. But today you are saying he is suing for custody? How can he suddenly afford a lawyer? One day he is too poor to fight for custody and the next day he’s ready to sue.

 

Whoa, what are you now, my mother? He had to borrow the money to pay the lawyer and I'm not sure how far he can even go with borrowing, so only time will tell. Anyways, you all have some valid points, and they are well taken. It's been a pleasure but the tone here has started to turn a bit, so I will bow out gracefully.

[movinon05]

Karis,

 

Having gone through a bitter divorce and the finances of it all, I know where you're coming from.

 

I also know that you can't possibly be able to tell everyone here exactly how things are. Unless a person lives each detail, day by day, they can't know. And sound bites will be taken apart.

 

Only you, he and his W know the whole story. I do wish you well. Even if spouses are willing to divorce semi-amicably, there are going to be problems. Its a very emotional thing.

 

I have children who went through the ringer. It tooks a few years, but they are all doing well.

 

My best wishes to all of you. I hope you are all able to grow past this and the children can be spared as much as possible by all. They are, after all the most important part of all of this. It was not their doing. And they are the ones who may very well have to bear the brunt of the adult emotions which they would not necessarily understand.

 

Good luck to you all.

[Sami_D]

It's been a pleasure but the tone here has started to turn a bit, so I will bow out gracefully.

 

I don't blame you for leaving.

 

IF my MM ever leaves his W, I won't be posting a 'success story' thread. A thread like this is bound to attract certain kinds of people that basically, have nothing to offer but ill-founded attacks.

 

Best of luck to you and your man and his children, Karis.

[Chump64]

My comments were not an attack, and I apologize if they appear that way. If they were ill-founded it’s because the information provided was conflicting and confusing. There were some discrepancies in her story about his children and whether he would fight for them.

 

Bottom line: I think it’s wise in any relationship – dating a single man, married man, whatever – to pay attention to his loyalty to his offspring. It’s very telling.

[Sami_D]

 

Bottom line: I think it’s wise in any relationship – dating a single man, married man, whatever – to pay attention to his loyalty to his offspring. It’s very telling.

 

Well, I agree with that completely.

[lovernotafighter]

ditto me too.

 

my MM always acted like he put his son first but now with his new letter with all the " I hurt my W on purpose crap so she'll leave" tells me he really isn't worried about his son seeing that kind of junk, and is just a wimp.

 

blah for me.

[movinon05]

Chump64, I don't think you were attacking either. Its just that, as I said, all of these threads are sound bites of our lives. And we could sit here forever explaining every minute detail.

 

She's made a choice, he's made a choice, and I just hope all of them, including the W, are able to get past this stage and get along in the end. I give the W a lot of credit for speaking to Karis about things. That doesn't happen too often. It could be much worse (like my past situation).

[Chump64]

Good point about the sound bytes.

 

I hope it works out in a way that is positive for the kids.