scarletletter Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 There seems to be so many threads here about devastated, angry and hurt OW. My question is, those of you that are trying or doing NC, is it because you gave the MM an ultimatum to leave his wife or else or is there another reason? I have read most of the stories and they all seem the same. Most OW are tired of being the OW and therefore are trying to leave the situation, but MM making it difficult. There are so few happy endings here and I just hope that even one person who is thinking about having an affair will read these posts first and then think twice about it. I, on the other hand, am in a relationship with MM for 10 months. It is exactly what I expected it to be for now but I cannot help feeling that my day of pain is coming. In no way am I looking for someone to tell me that what I am doing is wrong...I am well aware of that. Just wanted a little insight on how all of the anger and frustration develops. What circumstances bring you to say...okay, it's over.
movinon05 Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Okay, I will just speak to my situation - as an exOW. Because I am no longer the OW. Honestly, I spent 7 years fighting for him. Putting up with the lies and devastation all in the name of love. He kept putting his toe in the water, everyone would suffer including the children, then he'd take his toe out. It finally just got to be too much. If you can imagine 7 years of this!! I got tired of it. In the end, I gave him an ultimatum. And secretly in my heart, I prayed he would not leave again. Because the nervousness, anxiousness, devastation for all and lies had taken its toll on me. I was realizing he was not worth the pain and he was just too selfish putting us all through this. When he said he was leaving New Years of 2005, I just said, ok. Then went off with my sister and friend to celebrate New Year's Eve and laughed, placing bets whether he would do it. I realized that night, as I was laughing, that it just didn't matter anymore. So it was no surprise when I never heard from him again. It was no different than before. I look back now and realize that I was probably very lucky that he never contacted me again. I would hate to think I would have fallen back into it. I kept that NC going and as it turns out, it was the best thing for me. Because I finally found myself and realized I was so much stronger and had so much going for me. I just needed to allow that to happen and I went for it with a vengeance. So, yes, he has been dropping gifts off recently and thrown me for a loop and given me a message through a friend, but its certainly not enough to steer me away from my course. He is starting to make things a little difficult but I can guarantee I have grown too much to become an OW again and it will never happen. I can't take the credit for this NC though. He did it to me. And probably made it easier for me. I have much respect for anyone who makes the decision to go NC and sticks to it. I would like to think I could have done the same back then, but I'll never know. But I was finally tired and done with the fight. It took too much of a toll. The only thing I do know is that NC works. No matter who starts it or for whatever reason they choose to do it. As long as it is kept up. As far as I'm concerned, nothing bad comes from NC.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 ScarletLetter... For me, I was in the exact same frame of mind as you are today. My affair was not at all about wanting him to ever leave his wife. I simply felt it was a safe place for me in terms of a "non-committed relationship". It was serving my needs. I never felt hurt, angry or frustrated when I decided to go NC. My reason was simply that I was falling hard and fast! I thought if I felt so much for him within 5 months, what was it going to be like tacking more months on! It was "fear". Plain and simple. One thing is for certain, missing him out weighed the fear and I still do not want him in a committed sense. So like you, I don't know where it will end up down the road. I haven't a clue. I also remain open to other opportunities that may come my way, so it really has not been a "bad experience", just different.
Author scarletletter Posted May 19, 2006 Author Posted May 19, 2006 Seven years is exactly the time that MM says he will have his kids out on their own and will then start living for himself. Whatever! I don't listen much to that nonsense anyway. I cannot see myself spending 7 years with a mm..my nerves could not take it. It's bad enough after only 10 months. I don't know how people do it for so long. Really bad situations for everyone involved...makes me think what is going to happen to me.
Karis Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Just wanted a little insight on how all of the anger and frustration develops. What circumstances bring you to say...okay, it's over. Easy... The fact that someone else treats me as being second best. I don't allow that. You shouldn't either.
aktieb0cka Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 There seems to be so many threads here about devastated, angry and hurt OW. My question is, those of you that are trying or doing NC, is it because you gave the MM an ultimatum to leave his wife or else or is there another reason? I have read most of the stories and they all seem the same. Most OW are tired of being the OW and therefore are trying to leave the situation, but MM making it difficult. There are so few happy endings here and I just hope that even one person who is thinking about having an affair will read these posts first and then think twice about it. I, on the other hand, am in a relationship with MM for 10 months. It is exactly what I expected it to be for now but I cannot help feeling that my day of pain is coming. In no way am I looking for someone to tell me that what I am doing is wrong...I am well aware of that. Just wanted a little insight on how all of the anger and frustration develops. What circumstances bring you to say...okay, it's over. My experience was a friendship that turned into an EA. I never saw it. I absolutely never asked for him to leave his wife. That was his decision. It was also his decision to go back. We agreed to remain friends and I was fine with that. We were making great progress. He was having a hard time trying to hire someone, so he hired his wife. That sent me over the edge. I told him that he was bringing her into my space and that was unacceptable. He told me that he was just not thinking and that he was sorry that he never thought of how I felt. It brought me to the realization that if did not consider my feelings now...did he ever? I realized that I still cared for him and that it bothered me that my feelings were not considered. I felt that I couldn’t be friends due to those feelings, so slowly I walked away without telling him.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 There seems to be so many threads here about devastated, angry and hurt OW. My question is, those of you that are trying or doing NC, is it because you gave the MM an ultimatum to leave his wife or else or is there another reason? I have read most of the stories and they all seem the same. Most OW are tired of being the OW and therefore are trying to leave the situation, but MM making it difficult. Well I can say that I'm not devastated. I feel a tiny bit angry now and then, but... how can I be angry? I also feel hurt from time to time, but... how can I be hurt? He's never made a promise to me about leaving or anything else, he's never (as far as I'm aware) lied to me about anything. He said from the beginning that his M was a mess, but that leaving would be hard if not impossible because of the children. But I know he loves me, and I love him beyond anything I've ever felt for anyone else. He's always treated me so well, never broken NC, never not called when he said he would, never pushed himself on me in any way, always said to me that he wanted the best for me, even if that meant him not being in my life. He's never treated me with anything other than respect and the greatest of care. I'd do anything for him... except... be his OW. Which is why we are doing this NC thing. After 2 years of knowing him, the first year online, the second year having met and spent lots of time together, but also the past 5 months apart again... he says he is now ready to leave. He was just finding it hard to actually have 'the conversation' with his W, and he thought that my being there waiting for him was making him less likely to tell her he wanted out. And I couldn't spend any longer waiting... I was depressed, and terribly tense and anxious. So, we decided the best thing was to start NC, because it's the only way we're going to get a resolution to this (even if, it turns out... he can't leave). I still love him so much, still adore him, actually. I have no reason not to. I really hope that he finds the strength to do what he says he wants to do. I know we could be so happy together. So, that's me.
Author scarletletter Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 Interesting stories. I don't know how I feel about my mm leaving his wife. Who's to say that I even want him to? I don't know. I would much rather be the person that shares all of his life with him. I know he is incredibly unhappy at home but his kids mean more to him than his happiness. I can respect that to a sense. I can't help feeling that if i am always available to him when he wants me that he will never do anything about his unhappy marriage. I mean, come on...he has it made really. A home life with his adorable children that he gets to see every day, and me on the side. He is not ready to be a part time father. I really do understand that. I make him happy in areas that he is not happy and he does the same for me. I cannot believe that I am the minority on this forum that actually IS happy with the way things are. Of course, I want more of his time...but it is just not possible with our given situations. I never let him think that I want more of him than he does from me. Never want him to think that I need him more than he needs me. Even though I do. Is that playing games? Probably. But I have to feel that I have some control.
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