kymberann Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 You know the story! Here I am, hooked up with a MM. Here's some background. I've liked this guy for almost two years! We often picked up signs from each other for about the past year. Run together and took up road biking. Have so much in common and similar, it's almost too scary! Just three weeks ago we went for an all day ride, on the way back he told me everything. It all basically added up to feeling the same I have been feeling. I've known all along that he was married. The last three weeks have been happy/sad/frustrating/unbearable/glorious/exciting/debilitating. You know those highs and lows! And almost daily! Anyway, here's to feeling like second best and having to wait around. He's never promised me anything as far as long term committment, but he always talks about future plans "we should do....." "We need to try this" He's unemployed and looking for work right now. I know what will happen, he'll get work and then totally drop me. I've even helped him look for work. He calls, I call, it's vague. But in our private moments we are totally different! I hate mixed messages and I hate that he's in control. If I end it I truly lose the friend he was before all of this. What to do? Just cry? I know I need to make a decision, I don't know if I am ready. Any thoughts? Suggestions. The thought of not seeing or spending some time with him is scary, since we've seen or done something almost every other day for the past year! If I end it, I may just lose out on being with someone I've wanted to be with for a long time! Thanks for the support!
movinon05 Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I hate mixed messages and I hate that he's in control. This is the statement that bothers me the most! You have completely given over control to this guy as if your happiness depends on what he does!! Believe me, that is not true and you can't let yourself fall into that trap! There are just soooo many things you need to consider here! You've only just begun!! I urge you to read other threads in this section. For one thing, he's married! Has he said he's unhappy? Have you thought about the devastation to his W and/or children? Has he made any promises to you? I'm guessing you are single. Your best bet is to get out now. Do you want to get more heavily emotionally invested that it turns into what will most likely be heartache that is almost too much to bear? You've been an easy companion for him for a year. This was bound to happen. Please read around here. There is so much more involved than you are realizing!
hokitika1246 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 He calls, I call, it's vague. But in our private moments we are totally different! yes on both counts. it will stay vague because he can't offer you a real relationship. this early on, he's not about to get divorced or even thinking that way. and, OF COURSE he's different in private. he can be intimate in a way that's not appropriate in public because he's married. If I end it, I may just lose out on being with someone I've wanted to be with for a long time! you'll also be losing out on a vague, dishonest, cheating man who doesn't have qualms about cheating--even in an EA. why, why, why in the world wouldn't these things deter you? sounds harsh, and i'm out of my own comfort zone saying this. normally, i'm all about people learning their own lessons in time. but you, you are so early on. you're not sucked into a deep relationship. you haven't been promised-to and lied-to. you haven't been publicly humiliated. you haven't spent holidays alone, waited for calls and not gotten them, and so on, and so on. i agree with movinon--YOU have control over yourself. YOU choose the way your life goes. YOU teach people how to treat you. except in rare circumstances, people don't do things TO other people without their consent. wow, normally i wouldn't be so forceful but really-- you're on the front end. get out, NOW. don't put yourself through the heartbreak. please, take the word of the women on this form. don't make this a lesson you have to learn. find someone available.
stillhere Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 kymberann, i've been in a relationship with a MM for almost a year now. We are deep into this. It's both physical and emotional. I'm in heaven when i'm with him, but it's hell knowing that he will never be "all mine". He doesn't lie to me and tell me that maybe or that we will be together. The pain that i feel when i'm not with him is not anything i would wish on anyone. He is the love of my life, my best friend, my everything. But the one thing he isn't is mine. Please, distance yourself from him. I'm not saying to abandon your friendship, because i know i couldn't do that either, but tell him that you can't and won't do this to yourself.
Author kymberann Posted May 19, 2006 Author Posted May 19, 2006 HI there! Thanks for the support. I know you are right! This is so hard though. I saw MM tonight. I teach a spin class and he usually comes to my classes when I teach. We talked for a bit, initiated a conversation, but it is so hard to go there, knowing something might be lost.. Sometimes there are moments when I fell, "alright I can deal, move on...." but then dread sets in and I am sooo sad and I think "Let the heart ache begin". I know it's all a part of healing. Why do we continue with this when it is so hard??? THanks for the help, keep it coming! Best.
stillhere Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Believe me, i know! I had a breakdown on Monday night. I couldn't quit crying and i kept asking myself why i was setting myself up for failure, why i was torturing myself. I told him Tuesday morning. He was up at the same time in the a.m. as i was. Asking himself why he allows himself to torture me this way. But we both love each other and we are both being selfish. I told him that the only reason he was ever allowed to say good bye for good was if he didn't love me anymore, or if he wanted to be with his wife. I told him that he was not allowed to let me go just so he could be guilt free and "set me free". This is my own choice. As stupid as it is. He told me that he would never be the one to say good bye, and i told him that i never would either. I told him that we are going to be doing this a while. You think i would learn after reading all the other threads, but i always hope that there is a small chance that some day we will be together. Maybe some day i will finally say enough is enough, but i don't see it happening any time in the near future. Although many people will disagree with what i'm doing, this is my choice and i know the consequences. But my advice to you is do what i say, not what i do. If i could go back, this would never have been. The heartache is not worth it. But i'm in way too deep, and i can't crawl out of this hole.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Why do we continue with this when it is so hard??? Because, hard though it is to continue with the uncertainty and the waiting and the mixed messages, it's far easier to do that than to say 'no', and walk away. But if you keep on with this, all you're doing is being his prop... to his M (what condition is that in, does he say?), and to his current unemployed situation. How long do you want that to continue? How long do you want to 'be there' for him. The only way out of this is for you to put your foot down and tell him that you need more from life. And then follow through with it. No more alone time with him, no more bicyling together, etc. Could you stand that?
Recommended Posts