Fuming!!!

[Torn Up]

I am so angry right now I can hardly type. Can't even collect my thoughts enough to express myself, so if my post comes off as a rambling rant, well, that's the state of mind I'm in right now.

 

This morning at work, I overheard a co-worker talking about me on the phone except she didn't know I was within hearing range. I heard her mention my name so naturally my ears perked up.

 

She said...

 

"Oh, she's nice enough but her reputation is bad. You know she had an affair with (MM'S name). I mean, what kind of woman f***s a married man? Well, what goes around comes around...."

 

What kind of woman f***s a married man????? And what about a married man who f***s another woman besides his WIFE???? What about a married man who lied his way into my life??? Who told me his marriage was over, a mutual agreement reached by both he and his W?? Who even went so far as to fabricate a man's name, telling me this fictious man was his wife's boyfriend?? What about a married man who completely destroyed the heart of his wife and teenage daughter through his complete and utter selfishness??? What about a married man who had THREE affair BEFORE me???

 

So, while this little bitch (and those like her) are cheerfully bashing me, are they bashing him as well? NOBODY knows the full details of my affair with MM because I don't talk about it. Why should I? It's nobody's business!!

 

Just cracks me up how the women are prosecuted and the men go scott free. We shake our heads over here in the States when we hear of women being stoned to death for infedelity in the Middle East.

 

But you know. Our society is no different. The woman is STILL prosecuted, isn't she? Maybe not by stones, but by words and prejudices...and sometimes, that can hurt worse than stones.

 

This affair has put me through hell and back. He broke my heart, my spirit, my pride. Took me MONTHS to heal...and now this!!

 

I'm in tears of rage right now. Who has the right to appoint themselves as my judge and jury?? Especially so when they haven't all the facts.

 

My God....I am SO angry right now!!!

 

~Torn Up~

[movinon05]

It is the "little" people in this world with "little" minds who have nothing better to do than throw stones at other people because they are perfect. And for some reason have a need to put themselves above us to make us look bad and make herself look good, possibly even because she had some juicy dirt to dish.

 

Was this A a secret from everyone in the office? Does his W know? Is it possible for you to confront her calmly and put her in her place with some ever so prepared words to cut her down to size and put her in her place? Even something along the lines of telling her that it is not attractive to be spreading gossip around when she doesn't know all the facts and speaking out her ass!

 

Yes, we live in a society where people don't think and the OW is always the one to blame. To be shamed. It happened to me so I know where you're coming from. The men come up smelling like roses.

 

I share your anger and frustration. I heard some bizarre stories about me and MM as well that weren't even true.

 

One guy in town asked me how I was doing once and said it must be really hard. I told him that I had heard a rumor being spread about me, my H, my MM and his W all going up to the mountains and having a swingers weekend. He said he did hear that. So I took the opportunity to point out that there was absolutely not one truth to that rumor and that I was very frustrated hearing gossip and knowing it was being spread around town. It was my one and only chance to have it come from the horses mouth and knew that, when he was sitting around with his buddies, he would share what I said.

 

We don't always get the chance to set gossip straight or point out that there was more to it than what they were hearing. Not that I would want to give every single person the real story because its just not worth it.

 

Instead, I just tried to tell myself that I knew what the truth was and sometimes, that's all you can do.

[Torn Up]

It is the "little" people in this world with "little" minds who have nothing better to do than throw stones at other people because they are perfect. And for some reason have a need to put themselves above us to make us look bad and make herself look good. Was this A a secret from everyone in the office? Does his W know?

 

Amen to THAT, sista! That's what I'm telling myself right now in a frantic attempt to calm myself, that small minds aren't worth the anguish I'm going through at this moment.

 

The affair wasn't something I talked about and only a few select knew about it. But I made a horrible mistake repeating it to a female co-worker whom I THOUGHT was my friend. She and I had a fall-out, and out of spite, she couldn't wait to spread the juicy news. I found out, much too late, that she can't be trusted, that she's back-stabbed others as well. Would've been nice had I been informed of this BEFORE I blabbed to her.

 

Yes, his wife does know. In fact, she and I had SEVERAL heart to hearts upon her discovery of our affair. It was through her that I learned no agreement to divorce had ever been discussed between she and him, and that she did not, nor ever has, had a boyfriend. She also told me that I was affair #4, something she told right in front of him which he didn't deny so I can only assume it to be true. Of course, he later told me he didn't rebut it because it would only lead to an argument that would serve no purpose. Said he never had other affairs, but that she was a jealous woman who blamed him for having affairs with women he worked with in the past. But I knew he was lying...he lied about other things so I knew I couldn't believe ANYTHING he said. As things turned out, I found that I liked his wife very much...she's a good woman who deserves MUCH better than him, whom I'll never understand why she chooses to stay with this lying loser.

 

As for talking to my co-worker...eventually (WHEN I cool down enough), I will inform her that I overheard what she said, and from there...not sure what to say. But I think I'll take my time on this...don't forsee me calming down anytime soon.

 

Thank you, Movin', for responding to my post. I am so grateful for this board, I truly am. I am angry and deeply hurt right now and it's not like I could just snatch up the phone and go on a rant about this. Affair aren't really something that can be discussed easily.

 

So, instead I come here. And I thank God for the support.

 

~Torn~

[ThumbingMyWay]

As for talking to my co-worker...eventually (WHEN I cool down enough), I will inform her that I overheard what she said, and from there...not sure what to say. But I think I'll take my time on this...don't forsee me calming down anytime soon.

 

 

tell her exactly what you said here:

 

 

What kind of woman f***s a married man????? And what about a married man who f***s another woman besides his WIFE???? What about a married man who lied his way into my life??? Who told me his marriage was over, a mutual agreement reached by both he and his W?? Who even went so far as to fabricate a man's name, telling me this fictious man was his wife's boyfriend?? What about a married man who completely destroyed the heart of his wife and teenage daughter through his complete and utter selfishness??? What about a married man who had THREE affair BEFORE me???

[zarathustra]

I am so angry right now I can hardly type. Can't even collect my thoughts enough to express myself, so if my post comes off as a rambling rant, well, that's the state of mind I'm in right now.

 

This morning at work, I overheard a co-worker talking about me on the phone except she didn't know I was within hearing range. I heard her mention my name so naturally my ears perked up.

 

She said...

 

"Oh, she's nice enough but her reputation is bad. You know she had an affair with (MM'S name). I mean, what kind of woman f***s a married man? Well, what goes around comes around...."

 

What kind of woman f***s a married man????? And what about a married man who f***s another woman besides his WIFE???? What about a married man who lied his way into my life??? Who told me his marriage was over, a mutual agreement reached by both he and his W?? Who even went so far as to fabricate a man's name, telling me this fictious man was his wife's boyfriend?? What about a married man who completely destroyed the heart of his wife and teenage daughter through his complete and utter selfishness??? What about a married man who had THREE affair BEFORE me???

 

So, while this little bitch (and those like her) are cheerfully bashing me, are they bashing him as well? NOBODY knows the full details of my affair with MM because I don't talk about it. Why should I? It's nobody's business!!

 

Just cracks me up how the women are prosecuted and the men go scott free. We shake our heads over here in the States when we hear of women being stoned to death for infedelity in the Middle East.

 

But you know. Our society is no different. The woman is STILL prosecuted, isn't she? Maybe not by stones, but by words and prejudices...and sometimes, that can hurt worse than stones.

 

This affair has put me through hell and back. He broke my heart, my spirit, my pride. Took me MONTHS to heal...and now this!!

 

I'm in tears of rage right now. Who has the right to appoint themselves as my judge and jury?? Especially so when they haven't all the facts.

 

My God....I am SO angry right now!!!

 

~Torn Up~

Torn,

 

I'm really sorry for your pain. Yes, I'm sure it will take me months to heal too. My xMM wanted to tell one of our mutual work friends and I told him if he did that, I would immediately resign, break my contract. I couldn't continue working here if people were to judge me. I'm so sorry to hear that others are scrutinizing your past actions and making your work life unpleasant.

 

You know what, we are good hearted nice people who just walked the wrong path. So we took a wrong turn but was it our fault that the map was wrong or been tampered with?!? I think that you are justified in feeling angry at how people are judging you. But remember this also... they obviously don't know you either. The don't know the situation and you really don't need to explain yourself or vindicate yourself. Just keep holding your head high and if its not very bearable for you there, find another company.

 

Good luck, I'm on the same boat.

[Walking away]

I, too, have been scorned and discussed negatively at my job by my female subordinates. Yes, I am their boss...and I am highly respected in my job.

 

My xMM treated me like gold, and my staff saw it. They,too, adored him. And now, they are absolutely THRILLED that we are over as they hated it when I left for trips and received flowers and gifts at work.

 

Jealousy, jealousy. I keep my chin up and hold my head up high. I am better than the small minds around me.

 

I am fine with or without the MM. He was a speck in my life. And, so are these women who talk about me.

 

These people that talk about you aren't worth one MOMENT of your time. Some people simply MUST put other people down in order to make themselves feel better.

 

Pity them.

 

Nothing more.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Thumbs. Tell her exactly how it was. And then walk away from her and leave it be.

[Iwanttohope]

I know exactly how you feel. One of the "friends" of my xMM's wife called me a slut in a department store the other day. She proceeded to stand there and tell the other clerks that I was a home wrecker and tried to steal her friends husband. Not once did she concede that he played a part in it or that he wrecked his own home. It was the most humiliating thing I've ever been through. I just turned and left and she continued to mock me as I left the store.

 

Its as if some people have adopted a soap opera perception of men who are unwittingly snatched from their wives arms and its these viscious other women doing the snatching. It actually makes the men in their lives look weak and stupid. These men aren't victims--they make choices in their relationships just like anyone else.

 

You hold your head high. The person in your office is only walking on you to try to elevate herself. Its pathetic but I know it feels awful.

[movinon05]

Wow, Iwanttohope, you did a great thing by walking away. I'll bet anything those clerks felt bad for you and were impressed by your walking away. And you made that woman look like an a$$. I'd bet my paycheck on it!!

 

I'm proud of you!

[Iwanttohope]

I was so mortified I couldn't speak. I just sat in my car and sobbed. I really thought that kind of thing only happened on TV.

[movinon05]

Oh, I so understand. I'm so sorry for you to have had to deal with that. But you are not like these little people, just like Torn Up! You did the right thing. You did not lower yourself to these hissy women!

 

You know, not only did I have to put up with this stuff from my exMM's W (in public - in front of her children), from his daughter (in public - in front of my children), my exMM's W's sister also called me a slut as she walked past me in the school hallway. And her H was standing right there. I heard him say something to her as they went down the hall to not do that. But I also knew that HER husband had cheated on her many times!!! Do you know what that's like? Having to shut your mouth and put up with the crap that comes out of their mouths knowing full well her H was doing this to her and she didn't have a clue!!! I would've loved to have thrown that in her face! But I'm not gonna be the one to be blamed for the mess that would ensue afterwards, because I'm sure I would be blamed once again.

 

Instead, I just kept walking, kept my head up, and continued on my way. A lot of people in this town have watched my exMM's W goad me at our children's baseball or basketball games, purposely striding up to someone who sat right next to me, and talk loudly about what her H and she were doing, making up little stories, lying. She just couldn't stay away. She tried everything to make me as uncomfortable as possible. Not once did I ever do anything. And you know what? People in the town eventually came to respect me for not acting like a childish idiot. They knew what she was doing and they knew she was ruthless. But in the end, I earned their respect. And I didn't have to do a thing except take the high road.

 

It will happen for you too. Most people can see the forest through the trees when things like this happen. You just can't expect the ones close to them to have any couth whatsoever because they know not of what they speak.

 

I'm still proud of you!! Chin up, Sweetie!!

[RealityCheck]

Torn Up.....

 

You have EVERY right to your anger. You were judged very harshly which is something I have zero tolerance for!!

 

One thing these types of people don't realize is....

The term "What goes around, comes around" is a spiritual law that applies to those who are judging another!

 

In other words, it won't come back to you, but karma will be played on them. They will feel you pain one day, in an experience they probably said "I would NEVER do that"......Never say never!

 

Its tough having to work with such morsel minds such as these people, but know you are wiser for all of your struggles.

 

*Big hug*

[Torn Up]

tell her exactly what you said here:

 

I would love to but that would take aim at some innocents...namely, x-MM's wife and his daughter. If I mentioned his 3 affairs prior to ours to this little witch, best believe it would spread through this town like wild fire. That, of course, would bring more humilation and disgrace to his family, and that's not something I want nor are willing to do. His wife and daughter are innocent and have suffered enough.

 

But I WILL think of something to put her in her place, for sure. Can't allow this to go unchecked.

 

As you can see, I still haven't cooled off!

 

~Torn~

[enoughisenough]

Oh please... would you like it better if she was ROOTING FOR YOU? That she thought it was ok to screw a married man? Now THAT WOULD make me scared.

Anyways, someone over the phone asked about YOU, not the MM. If they asked about him, she'd probably say the same thing: he's a loser.

 

Think about this too. She could have said or done much worse. I think you are taking it to heart too much. What REALLY sounds like hell was what movin has went through in the past. My god, im surprised she didnt move out of that town yet.

[movinon05]

Oh please yourself. She doesn't have to spread gossip either!

 

And if I could move, I would. But I've stuck it out this far for my kids, I can make it four more years.

[enoughisenough]

The gossip is already spread. Not much was said and I think she's taking it like a child. She made a bad choice and now she has to live with what comes next.

[movinon05]

That doesn't excuse what the woman said. She's spreading gossip and should not be casting stones. Especially when she's only blaming one person. Torn Up's point is that people still cast disparities on the OW and the man still gets off easy. That's the whole point and that is very frustrating to have to deal with. If people wouldn't be so quick to point fingers at one without realizing there were two involved, there might not be such a rush to judgment. Gossip is nasty - period.

[enoughisenough]

Gossip is nasty? Are you joining the selfish pity party too?

 

She's lucky she wasn't called a whore or slut!

 

She's making a big deal out of nothing when the ONLY REAL PERSON WHO GOT HURT HERE WAS THE WIFE! I'll take being called a slut every day over the week over finding out that the love of my life who vowed to devote themself to me was cheating and lying behind my back from day one for who knows how many years! GET OVER YOURSELF!

 

 

How do you know he "got off easy"? You dont! And neither does she.

I'm sure everyone at his work (females anyways) thinks he's a dog.

Just because she didn't hear words spoken, doesn't mean they weren't said.

[movinon05]

Don't you worry about me! I'm way over myself! This isn't a pity party. And I expect no one to feel sorry for me. It was what it was. And I just tell my story like it was.

 

I just don't know why you insist on excusing people for spreading gossip! Torn Up is not asking for pity! She's talking about the dichotomy. But if you go back and read her original post, she was led into this thing with a MM who lied about himself, his marriage, his past, everything!! But the little girl who felt it necessary to spread the gossip wasn't aware of all that. Therefore, MY point is people should not be spreading gossip when they don't know the whole story. I'm sure she's so perfect that there's not some little secrets in her closet she would have to worry about someone spreading! Please!

[enoughisenough]

If you don't want gossip spread, then DONT LEAK IT! Especially at the workplace where things get so boring, people with too much time on their hands will gossip about anything and everything, especially workplace lovers.

 

They both had a fallout (torn and girl at work), which I'm sure was on her part as well. It therefore has LITTLE to do with double-standards. It's the point that she pissed her off and this girl is angry at her.

 

If you read her second post, the girl WAS WELL AWARE of the circumstances involved.

[movinon05]

And if you read the post again, it is not all that clear that the girl on the phone is the same one who spread the original juicy news when she had a fall-out with Torn Up or if she found out through the grapevine. So we don't know that girl on the phone was well aware of everything. Either way, its catty.

[Torn Up]

My xMM wanted to tell one of our mutual work friends and I told him if he did that, I would immediately resign, break my contract. I couldn't continue working here if people were to judge me.You know what, we are good hearted nice people who just walked the wrong path. So we took a wrong turn but was it our fault that the map was wrong or been tampered with?!? Just keep holding your head high and if its not very bearable for you there, find another company.

 

You know, Zara, I was thinking about that tonight. I'm tired of the polite, but strained smiles as I pass by co-workers who have obviously heard God knows what. I truly am. The problem here is, this is a small mountain town and work is scarce. Still, though, I've had it. I want from under the dark cloud that will always remain over my head for as long as I work there.

 

Of course I didn't deliberately set out to have an affair with a MM. In fact, doing so is against my convictions...that MM are OFF limits. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think I'd get involved with one. NEVER. I honestly believed he and his wife agreed to divorce, each going their own way. I had absolutely NO idea this is a common manuever MM feed the "potential" OW in attempt to snag her in. I was, but no longer am, completely ignorant to the ins and outs of the MM/OW world...the twisted dynamics of it, the game, the sham. So, I walked right into it with blinders on. Well, the blinders have been stripped away and I can now see the truth in its ugly entirety. It was a mistake - a horrible mistake that I will never again repeat. Everybody got hurt, except him, of course.

 

YET...I'm the one being judged here. I didn't marry her, I didn't promise to share my life with her, for better or for worse until death do us part...I didn't lie to her, betray her. *HE* did...yet *I'M* the one who's been handed the "bad reputation." *I'M* the target for the strained smiles and vicious gossip. Never once occured to these "righteous" souls that *I'M* a victim as well...NOT the Jezebel I am being dubbed.

 

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend a while ago. Took him awhile to calm me down. He is fully aware of the affair, the horrible impact it's scarred me with, and my trust issues as a result. At one point in the conversation, I broke down and cried. Well, sobbed is more like it.

 

He said, "Let me ask you a few questions. Do they pay your bills?"

 

Nope...

 

"Would they come to your rescue if you needed help?"

 

Nope...

 

"Are they somebody you could count on in your times of need?"

 

Nope...

 

"Do they love you? Care about you, what happens to you?"

 

Nope...

 

"Then why do you give a rat's ass what they think about you? Why should it matter? They mean nothing to you."

 

He's right, of course. They really don't mean anything to me. But being unfairly judged is hard to take, especially when I have to work with these people.

 

They more I think about it, the more I think it's time to move on to another place of employment so I can be completely free of all this...to put it completely behind me.

 

To those of you who are contemplating an affair...DON'T!!!

 

You WILL regret it. This I promise.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

These people that talk about you aren't worth one MOMENT of your time. Some people simply MUST put other people down in order to make themselves feel better.

 

Pity them.

 

Nothing more.

 

Thank you for this, Walking. You're absolutely right, they are NOT worth a moment of my time...nor even a tear.

 

Isn't it strange how people will attack another like a pack of wolves when given a chance, but would never want it done to them.

 

People can be strange...

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

My God, IW...you certainly have been put through the grinder, haven't you? My heart goes out to you, and so does my admiration for your character. It had to have been hell for you to face this kind of scorn in a public place, yet...you held your dignity. Good for you! Had you reacted, lowered yourself to her level, then you would have played into her hands...portrayed yourself as the evil monster she so desperately wants everybody to believe you are.

 

Your story has inspired me tonight, IW, and I want to thank you for it. I'm really down right now. I shouldn't allow it to get under my skin the way it has, but this incident has opened the wound. Thought I had it all behind me and the WHAM. Here it is, rearing its ugly head once more.

 

We'll make it through this. You, me, and all the beautiful women here.

 

And we ARE beautiful women, right girls?

 

~Torn~

[Walking away]

You are absolutely right.

 

Despite the mistakes we have made, we are still beautiful, loving women.

 

And worthy of much more than we received.

 

Never forget that.