Author lady Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 In reading thru some other post i just remembered something H has said to me a couple of times in the past and just a few nights ago when we were argueing. A little info first, he was 19 and I was 20 when we met. I had been married previously but we had not lived together due to the fact he was in the millitary and overseas. So never really viewed it as being more than name only. Anyway my H now was fresh out of highschool and had never lived on his own where as I had. The comment he has made has been " that this is all I know" meaning our relationship. He had never had a steady GF before me. We moved in together a yr after we met. So my question now is could he be regretting not having had more experiance before me? Could that be one of the reasons he had the A? To try and recapture some thing he feels he missed out on. Hell I don't know but I do know that i will try and get him to talk to me about this later on tonight.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 As to his keeping her contact info, his excuse is that he never deletes a number or name no matter how long it has been since he talked to them or why he talked to them. This is a very lame a** excuse and one that really should be totally unacceptable. Just because he isn’t talking to her anymore doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t force this issue ... it is like his way of thumbing his nose at you telling you that he is going to do what he wants to do without any regard to your feelings. I know that alot of our problems are there due to my own insecurities, not from the A but just from life in general. Something that all of us (I believe) after the A finally realize is the mistakes we made, or better yet, things that we should have/should have not done. But he has to own up to his own faults and he doesn’t seem to be doing that at all. If he can’t own up to his faults, his mistakes, then how can you possibly move forward? You will constantly feel as if everything that has gone wrong is your fault and he will constantly blame. In no way is that fair to you. A lot of people don’t understand depression, or believe that it is a real disease. As your husband, whether he believes in it or not, it is his responsibility to help you through whatever it is that you are going through, at whatever time in your life it is. I feel he still blames me for letting myself get to that point that he did not and does not think it is a real desease. Here is his blame shifting again. He obviously does not accept responsibility for his actions in any way, shape or form. I’m not saying he was responsible for your depression, but to him, everything is your fault and his actions have no bearing on your feelings what-so-ever. Very caring and thoughtful of him. But I am so very afraid if we do split then that is it for us and that is not what I want. I really do not know what to do. What you want is what everyone wants out of life ... to be happy. If he doesn’t make you happy, or make the effort to make you happy, then you deserve to find someone who will do everything within their power to do so. Yes, in order to be happy you have to be happy within yourself, but it sure does help if along the way you find someone that has the same goal in mind. The only reason why I forgave my husband is because he is doing all that he can PLUS to make us a complete and successful marriage. If he wasn’t doing all that he could, was still blameless and not responsive to my feelings (read still has her number here), then I would have to throw in the towel. He says this is all he knows ... same with my H - I am his only real relationship and all he has learned he has learned with me. But, that is just another lame a** excuse on his part because he doesn’t want to accept any blame for any of his actions. My husband also said in the very early days after he told me about OW that maybe he was just trying to "see what he has been missing." PLEASE!!! This is just yet another excuse and nothing more. Don't play into it. He is a grown man. He is responsible for his own actions. If he doesn't want to be married, then he needs to get on with his life. If you allow him to play this card ... that is only allowing him to use this as an excuse and to continue not accepting responsibility for his actions. Really, if this is all he knows ... then he believes he can do anything he wants and you will stay right there and be his scape-goat for all his actions. Ruffle his feathers a little bit and tell him you are done with all this crap. Show him his feelings come last anymore. Stop being the wife to him that he expects you to be. Put yourself first, your kids second, your home third ... then, if you have time, him. I’m not one for telling someone to leave a marriage, but hey, give him a dose of his own medicine. You don’t have to move out to do this, just act as if he is a roommate WITHOUT benefits. Don't include him in any decisions, or errands around town. Don't ask what he wants for dinner. Don't ask him what he wants to watch. Why should he still be getting anything out of the marriage to include sex if he isn’t willing to invest his time, his consideration, or provide you with a firm commitment. Let him see what it would be like without you. If what is going on is all that he knows, then seeing the opposite from you should really get his attention.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Could that be one of the reasons he had the A? To try and recapture some thing he feels he missed out on. Hell I don't know but I do know that i will try and get him to talk to me about this later on tonight. Be careful with this one. As I said above if you play into it he will use this as an excuse. Next thing you know, if you agree with him and seem to understand why he feels this way, then he will feel you understand why he needs to see other people.
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