lady Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 do any of you men or women wish they had never found out about the affairs?
Author lady Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 the reason I ask is that this has been the worst nightmare I have ever had to live thru and it still is not over. I sometimes look at my H and wish I had never found out. I know that I am basicly sticking my head in the sand but I have had so much pain and confusion since finding out. I just don't know what to do any more. H has told me that it is MY fault that he cheated, that I was not the person he needed me to be at the time. (been married 19 yrs) I can't live my life being the 20 yr old girl he met. I have been feeling really down the last few days and just trying to work thru some things in my own mind. Last night he asked me why I was in such a crabby mood I told him I just had to much on my mind, he could not leave it at that. So we wound up in a huge fight, ending with him basicly telling me that saving our marriage is on my shoulders that he felt he had no responsibilty in us being where we are now. That all of our problems are due to me not being who he wants me to be. He told me he needed more help, I asked him what he meant by that and he could not tell me. He finally told me that he needed me to be more a part of him. But he is always telling me he wants me to be my own person to do what is right for me and what I want to do. Meaning going back to school or just finding a diff job. I am totally at a lose. I know I want to be able to fix what is wrong in our marriage. But I also know that I can not do it all on my own. So now I am down to deciding if I want to stay and fight or if I just want to give up and leave. I really don't know.
THX2000 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 the reason I ask is that this has been the worst nightmare I have ever had to live thru and it still is not over. I sometimes look at my H and wish I had never found out. I know that I am basicly sticking my head in the sand but I have had so much pain and confusion since finding out. I just don't know what to do any more. H has told me that it is MY fault that he cheated, that I was not the person he needed me to be at the time. (been married 19 yrs) I can't live my life being the 20 yr old girl he met. I have been feeling really down the last few days and just trying to work thru some things in my own mind. Last night he asked me why I was in such a crabby mood I told him I just had to much on my mind, he could not leave it at that. So we wound up in a huge fight, ending with him basicly telling me that saving our marriage is on my shoulders that he felt he had no responsibilty in us being where we are now. That all of our problems are due to me not being who he wants me to be. He told me he needed more help, I asked him what he meant by that and he could not tell me. He finally told me that he needed me to be more a part of him. But he is always telling me he wants me to be my own person to do what is right for me and what I want to do. Meaning going back to school or just finding a diff job. I am totally at a lose. I know I want to be able to fix what is wrong in our marriage. But I also know that I can not do it all on my own. So now I am down to deciding if I want to stay and fight or if I just want to give up and leave. I really don't know. This idiot blamed you for the affair? Is this guy an idiot? No one can actually make the decision to have an affair except themself. No one forced them - it is a concious and selfish decision. In my case, I am glad I found out about my ex-gf's affair. I was literally months away from proposing to a girl that was stealing my money, time and more importantly my emotions from me. I can only imagine what she could have done if we were actually married. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced to find that she was screwing a much older married man behind my back but what would I have done if I had found out later after I married her. Better to find out what she's like now before she completely ruined my life.
Trimmer Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 My wife had an affair a couple years after we were married, then later we had kids, then she started an EA (possibly PA) with an OM a couple years ago. Found out about the current EA/PA after she announced she was leaving the marriage. I'm for learning the truth. Now that I know what I know and the divorce is a foregone conclusion, I don't need to know more details. But I wouldn't have wanted to have the first affair hidden from me, for example, as it was important information for me to put together a picture of the woman I was married to when the second time came around. In the long run, it was worth the pain to know what is true and real in the story of my life.
Curmudgeon Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Not this one. I'm glad I found out. It made divorcing her much easier and my life has improved measurably and immensely ever since.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 There were times that I wish I had never known in the beginning because the pain was too intense. However, now that time has passed I am happy my husband told me. Our marriage is better now because we both realize several things, but most of all how important WE are together. The blind trust is gone, but truthfully I don't miss it. I now realize that in ANY marriage, an affair can happen. Unless you consistently meet each other's major emotional needs, something neither of us even knew about before the EA, you are prime target for an affair to happen. Even if you do meet each other's major emotional needs, there are some people who are going to cheat. But, in my case it was because neither of us were meeting the other's needs. Knowing for me has become a tool ... I now know the signs to look for when we aren't meeting each other's needs. My husband acknowledging and accepting what led up to his EA also allows him a tool to see the same thing. Then, we communicate immediately and we head off any possible unhappiness.
target-d Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 knowing the truth is always better than not knowing - even if the truth is painful.
jonesgirly Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 I wish I had known.....and I wish I had known sooner. Time passes and lives get entangled....thats what makes it so difficult to say "see ya." If I had known sooner that my husband didn't feel about me the same as I felt about him, I would've cut my losses and looked elsewhere. I'm not a dog-face, why should I be treated as less-than worthy? There really is no need to deceive people into believing that you love and are loyal/faithful to them. If you can't or don't want to be, why live the lie? You'll always be looking for something or someone ; why not just be a grown-up and GO?
lake Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 There are times I wish I did not have to feel the pain that the knowledge of the EA caused. However, we are more aware of each other's needs now as a result of the EA and we are striving to meet each other's needs. But I am really missing that "blind trust", and still on the pain roller coaster. I hope it fades with time.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 But I am really missing that "blind trust", and still on the pain roller coaster. I totally get this, but now can look at the real definition of “blind trust” as what it is/was - the belief that nothing bad can happen. However, because of the “blind trust” I/we didn’t see the signs that we were in danger. Now that it is gone, both of us are more cognizant of the needs of the other person and neither of us will ever go down that road again. The pain roller coaster will soon ease ... not because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but because you both are doing all that you can to re-create the trust. And, think about it, this time the trust will be built on reality, instead of fantasy. We are all human and we forget that a relationship takes a lot of maintenance. We think that it is o.k. if we get lazy in that department, even for a little bit. It isn’t o.k. . . . if we were lazy to begin with, the marriage/relationship would never have happened. I guess we all just have to learn that by experience. I’m sorry you are were you are at ...
reservoirdog1 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Definitely -- I'm "glad" I found out. Firstly, like Curmudgeon said, it made it easier for me to assess her properly, to see her for what she really was, and to realize that she was not the sort of person I wanted to have a relationship with anymore. In some ways, it also aided my post-marital recovery -- or at least made it feel better. Had she simply left, I would have been devastated -- a sad, pathetic mess, huddled in a corner like a puppy that just got kicked. Instead, knowing about the serial betrayal made me angry. And, for all its problems, anger is a powerful force if used wisely. It gets your heart pumping, gives you energy, and makes your want to DO something, instead of crawling into a corner. Channeling that anger into workouts at the gym was highly therapeutic.
Chump64 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Lady, I am so sorry he is blaming you. That is just plain messed up. He needs to take 100 percent responsibility for the affair itself. You can share the blame for the marital relationship, if it went sour. The news I got was worse than I could have imagined. My husband has been having an affair with someone I considered a casual friend (she and her husband were friends of ours and we’d see each other a few times a year). This has gone on for 10 years. We’ve been married for 18 years. It gives me more pain than anything I’ve ever endured, and I don’t know if our marriage can survive, but yes, I’m glad I know. That said, my husband is remorseful and is taking 100 percent of the responsibility. That makes a big difference. I hope you find peace. I also hope he comes around and quits blaming you. Sound like you need to kick him in the nutsack.
SueBee3490 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I wish I had known.....and I wish I had known sooner. Time passes and lives get entangled....thats what makes it so difficult to say "see ya." If I had known sooner that my husband didn't feel about me the same as I felt about him, I would've cut my losses and looked elsewhere. I'm not a dog-face, why should I be treated as less-than worthy? There really is no need to deceive people into believing that you love and are loyal/faithful to them. If you can't or don't want to be, why live the lie? You'll always be looking for something or someone ; why not just be a grown-up and GO? Jonesgirly - You sound like me! If I had known sooner that my bf was cheating on me (instead of finding out about it after we married), I would have cut my losses and looked elsewhere. Why not - he was looking elsewhere. He used all the blaming tactics - "it was my fault", "I was too good for him", "I didn't ever say I loved him", blah, blah, blah. I agree with why deceive people into believing you really love or care about them when your actions speak otherwise? He told me everyday he loved me but "actions speak louder than words". I never understood why he didn't just leave me for good. We lived 450 miles apart and all he had to do was say "adios" and never come back - we didn't have kids together, property together, etc. - so why carry on the lie for so long? As to the original question of this thread - yes I am glad I found out because as Curmudgeon said, I could see what kind of person he really is and it's not really the type of man I want to spend my life with. I think part of my problem with his character is that I found out about his cheating (I found his secret email account) instead of him stopping it and telling me what was going on. He could have at least told me before marrying me as anyone would realize this is a major issue that needs to be dealt with. But he was a coward and only thought of himself. I really think he believed he would never be found out - a scary thought that someone cares so little for the other person that they will live this kind of lie for years.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Lady, I am so sorry he is blaming you. That is just plain messed up. He needs to take 100 percent responsibility for the affair itself. You can share the blame for the marital relationship, if it went sour. I agree with you, again, Chump ... he has to take the responsibility for going outside of the marriage. If you two had problems prior to the affair realize that the affair is not the cause of those problems, it is a symptom of them, which does take two. But the affair, whether you had problems you were aware of or not ... totally his fault. Don't allow him to snowball you into believing that you are responsible for his actions ... he is an adult, his own person, and I'm sure not easily manipulated into doing something he doesn't want to do. It isn't as if you held a gun to his head and told him to have an A otherwise you were going to shoot him. Initially, my H did state that it was because of me, or better yet, the loss of "US" because of my actions (or lack of actions) that caused him to have an affair. My first reaction was to defend myself. Then I realized what he was doing ... it would be easier for him to look in the mirror everyday if he had someone else to blame rather than himself. Once I realized that and only accepted the blame for MY actions within the marriage, and put full responsibility for the affair on him, did he begin to realize, and accept the responsibility of that laid on his shoulders alone. If he wouldn't have stepped-up to the plate and taken full responsibility for his EA, or be a total open book and show in every single way that he is in our marriage for the long-haul ... it would have ended without me looking back.
Chump64 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I think part of my problem with his character is that I found out about his cheating ... instead of him stopping it and telling me what was going on. (Same here, only I almost caught him -- suspicious email -- and he lied / I believed him, til I snapped out of denial and started gathering concrete evidence. Worse yet, he says it would still be going on had he not been caught) I really think he believed he would never be found out - a scary thought that someone cares so little for the other person that they will live this kind of lie for years. (Yep, my husband thought this too -- even after I became suspicious about those initial emails. They kept carrying on. It took me months of investigative work to gather what I needed and confront him.) SOBs! (sorry for the threadjack...)
SueBee3490 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I think part of my problem with his character is that I found out about his cheating ... instead of him stopping it and telling me what was going on. (Same here, only I almost caught him -- suspicious email -- and he lied / I believed him, til I snapped out of denial and started gathering concrete evidence. Worse yet, he says it would still be going on had he not been caught) I really think he believed he would never be found out - a scary thought that someone cares so little for the other person that they will live this kind of lie for years. (Yep, my husband thought this too -- even after I became suspicious about those initial emails. They kept carrying on. It took me months of investigative work to gather what I needed and confront him.) SOBs! (sorry for the threadjack...) Also sorry for the threadjack but I wanted to respond to Chump64... When still dating my bf, I found out he went out with a woman 1 time. I forgave him and even accepted his blaming me for going out. He said I was pushing him away, etc. I took part of the blame and trusted him again because he seemed remorseful. I cried over this incident and you would think he would have some feeling for me at seeing the pain I was in when I found out he went out with someone else. But he must have a heart of stone and really not care because even though he said he stopped - he didn't. He continued to see other women all the while telling me he was faithful. SOB Yours said he would still be cheating if he wasn't caught? I'm really sorry but that is really sad. How can you stay with him when you aren't sure he wants to be with you? My H told when when I found his secret email that all he was doing was emails to these women. Then I found he had been on messenger (yahoo & msn), so then it was only emails and chatting. Then I found he had actually met a few for sex so then it was emails, chatting and screwing. By then, I couldn't believe a word he said - he just said whatever to get his ass out of hotwater but the more he lied, the more I found out. So I got my evidence together too and busted him with it. (again sorry for the hijack
Chump64 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Yours said he would still be cheating if he wasn't caught? I'm really sorry but that is really sad. How can you stay with him when you aren't sure he wants to be with you? It's hugely sad, and it will be a big stumbling block in our recovery (if it happens). He admits to having problems with being passive and avoiding conflict with the OW. That's why he says it would still be going on, b/c he was too much of a coward to end things with her. They discussed stopping a few times but neither one had the nerve. Why give up a good thing if no one knows and no one is being hurt? (Note sarcasm -- and, PUKE) He (allegedly) is sure that he wants to be with me. (Frankly, I'm trying to figure out if I really want to be with him.) He and the OW both said all along that they had good marriages (cough) and that neither would leave their spouse. It was an agreement they had, which probably contributed to the longevity. (Neither was pushing the other for something he or she didn't want -- they both wanted to be f*ckbuddies and still have their comfy little lives at home.)
Author lady Posted May 23, 2006 Author Posted May 23, 2006 Oh beleive me I take full responsibilty for my part in what lead to the A. But I do not in any way take responsibilty for the A itself. I find myself in a very painful cycle that I can not find my way out of. I have lost the trust in him that was unconditional. If he is just a few minutes late getting home I am so tense that I can not think beyond that moment. I can not stand for him to have any kind of relationship with a women and I don't see this as me being jealous just as a big fear I have now. I have asked him if he still wants to be with me, if he wants to save our marriage, his reply has been "I don't know". All of this is killing me. I am not finacially able to just pack up and move on at this time. I was in school but have quit due to not being able to keep up with it right now. I just can't keep my mind in class or on school work. He doesn't understand this he just sees it as me quitting. Due to some health issues I do not work except taking care of our rental business. I want to make our marriage work because I feel we are meant to be together but I can not do it alone. There are things that need to be changed on both our parts. Right now I am trying to focus my energy on me and what needs to be done to make me feel better about me. I'm not saying I'm not still butting some of it into us, just mostly me. We have 4 kids 2 of which are still at home so I have spent the last twenty yrs being a wife and mother. Now I want to find myself again, maybe when I can do that, other things will be a lot clearer and easier to handle.
target-d Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I have asked him if he still wants to be with me, if he wants to save our marriage, his reply has been "I don't know". Tell him he better figure it out right quick. And don't think that you have no options. They might not be particularly pleasant options financially, but there is much more to life than financial security. Get both of you to a marriage counselor as quickly as possible.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 My husband told me "he didn't know" too ... that is, until I told him I was done. He also said many of the things your husband said to you. The minute I took the decision out of his hands is when it all started to change for the better. That isn't to say that I was going to leave immediately, as with kids, bills, house, etc., it isn't that easy as we all know. However, after I told him I was done, then he said he wanted to stay with me, but would still maintain his friendship with her (to him, that was all it was ... at that point in time he didn't believe in emotional affairs). Once he understood that was unacceptable to me, and that I was going to start "making arrangements" to do what was right for me and the kids, then he slowly started to change his mind. In a letter I wrote him, which, if you would like to read it, I can post later tonight, I let him know that he could do what he wants, all the decisions are his alone, but that eventually, I would leave and do what is best for me and the boys. No time frame, nothing, just eventually. THAT scared him. THAT made him realize I was serious. THAT is when the wheels started to turn into my/our favor.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Lady - I can also feel your pain when your husband is just a few minutes late ... I remember very clearly, even one month ago, when I called his work and his phone was busy ... not a big deal, right. But, then two minutes later it was still busy, then I panicked and kept calling. We are doing great, he hasn't talked to her since January, which was for work ... but I still panicked! After it was busy for 10 minutes what did I do ... I called HER work number to see if she would answer. She did. I immediately called his number and it was still busy. So, of course, I called HER back and again she answered. Called him, still busy. No, he wasn't talking to her, he was talking to his Mom. But, my point is that I can completely understand your fear and how sometimes, it can overwhelm you and you don't have control over it. I'm sorry.
Chump64 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Striving, I've done that telephone thing too. That's one way I figured out my husband and the OW were talking. When I called, I used a 'house' phone in the vending room at work so the caller ID would not show my personal work number. The lines were busy at the same time and then let up simultaneously. That's when I put a voice recorder in his office and eventually worked up the balls to tap the phone at his desk, sneaking into the building in the pre-dawn hours. Oops! I also gave ultimatims on Day 1. The main one was to end all the BS that day, or walk with me to the courthouse to file for divorce. I had an attorney who would meet us there in an hour's notice. Worked like a charm. It's funny how cheaters snap out of the BS when you force the issue. (That is, assuming they don't really want out of the marriage.)
Author lady Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 I know he has not contacted the OW in well over a yr. But he does still have her # programed into his phone and still has her on his messenger. Which kills me, but I am to insecure to force the issue at this time. I can't get the A out of my mind even tho I know that that is not the main issue to settle in our marriage. I really do not know at this point where I will be tomorrow much less in a yr. I f I could just get some things straightened out for ME then I will be able to understand other things. But it is just getting to that point. I really appreciate all of the responses I have gotten. It helps so much just to be able to talk to others about all of this. right now I don't know where else to go.
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 WHy does he still have her number and have her on his IM? That is not cool. At all. Did you two ever go to marriage counselling? It just seems he isn't doing ALL that is necessary to make YOU feel secure, to work his ass off enough to prove to you that he can be trustworthy again.
Author lady Posted May 24, 2006 Author Posted May 24, 2006 As to his keeping her contact info, his excuse is that he never deletes a number or name no matter how long it has been since he talked to them or why he talked to them. I know that alot of our problems are there due to my own insecurities, not from the A but just from life in general. That is why I said I was doing more for just me and trying to find who I am now after 19 yrs of marriage. I have put my whole life into being a wife and mother and forgot who I am and who I want to be now. No I am not making excuses for him and his actions just owning up to where I have gone wrong. A few yrs ago I went thru a bad episode of depression, so knowing how all of that feels I am trying desperately not to get to that point again. I do not like the fog I was in with the meds. A lot of our problems started during that time. I feel he still blames me for letting myself get to that point that he did not and does not think it is a real desease. But anyway. I am really starting to think the best thing for us at this time would be to seperate and work on ourselves and see what is left for us. But I am so very afraid if we do split then that is it for us and that is not what I want. I really do not know what to do.
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