amerikajin Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I've been seeing this girl off and on for the past few months, and things have started taking off in the last six weeks specifically. There are times when things feel really good. There are moments when I feel like we are developing a stronger connection. Like last weekend, for example, was really nice...went on a boat ride and spent the afternoon and evening together. We're developing an intimate relationship. At the same time, there are times when she just flat out annoys the s*** out of me. She's always changing plans, showing up late or just operating on her own schedule. In fairness, she's often cancelled plans with others just so she could be with me, but she's also altered our plans. Seems like we can't ever do anything we say we're going to do. I've addressed it with her, and while I thought I could just 'compromise' and deal with it, the more I deal with it, the more I realize it's just aggravating. It also touches on whatever insecurities I have lurking underneath the surface. I feel that whenever she changes her plans, she's disrespecting me. I sometimes feel that it's impossible for me to really push for a stronger relationship because I feel like I'm going to be disappointed in the end. Have you ever been attracted to someone on the one hand - even really liked a lot about them - but then realized that your personalities just don't match up? I keep wondering if I'm not wasting my time.
SmoochieFace Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Have you ever been attracted to someone on the one hand - even really liked a lot about them - but then realized that your personalities just don't match up? I keep wondering if I'm not wasting my time. Yes, but the attraction was more carnal than anything. My first GF was like that... personalities didn't mesh at all. No wonder the relationship only lasted ten months! Bottom line: no matter how *hot* she may be if her personality doesn't jive with yours then it's basically a waste of time.
alphamale Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 if you're getting puxxy AMERIKAJIN then the aggrivation may be worth it....if you're not getting puxxy then it may not.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Hey, Just to let you know that your problems are very common! My H and I fight over the pettiest of things! The key is to forget about it after 10 minutes. congrats on getting this far with this hott gal.
MadDogX Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I've been following your posts and my suggestion would be to pull back a little bit and potentially see other girls. You don't have to stop seeing her completely but just don't have her as too high of a priority in case things don't work out between you two.
Author amerikajin Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 That's not really an option unless I want to end the relationship. We're already in a relationship, so that would probably be considered cheating. I guess what gets me is I'm coming to the realization that I've passed up opportunities with other women to keep this relationship going. Last weekend, for example, I met two girls, both of whom are attractive. But I haven't given any indication to either of them that there would be anything between us except friendship, and I told them I had a girlfriend. But both were very interested in me. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out. Yesterday we had made some loose arrangements to meet last night. So last night comes around and she says she's tired and wants to sleep. I say that's fine, just call me when you're done. So she calls me and tells me she's meeting some guy to plan this party. I know who he is and they're just friends, but still, she just went ahead and decided to make other arrangements and didn't even think about me. Then she also tells me that on Saturday and Sunday she's got plans as well, which leaves only Friday for me, and I don't get home until late. We had made tentative plans to do stuff together this weekend, though neither of us had put anything down definitively. The last time I expressed my thoughts about this, we had a rather nice blowout. Not in the mood for that this time. I just feel conflicted...as hard as it is to believe there have been really good moments, and I know she does things with me that she doesn't do with others. I feel she treats me like her boyfriend...but I sometimes feel like it's not enough. Am I being unreasonable or insecure here?
blind_otter Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I call bulls***. You've posted about this chick from the beginning of the relationship, it hasn't ever BEEN smooth sailing with her. AJ, you knew this was going to be difficult from the beginning. I understand that you're frustated, but how can you expect it to magically become nice n' easy all of a sudden? What is the precedent? You accepted her and persued her when she made it difficult with you from the get-go. You tacitly agreed by continuing the relationship with her, to accept her behavior. You can't expect her to change for you.
MadDog Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I don't think the problem you have with your girlfriend has to do with insecurities--it has to do with the fact that you prioritize your relationship much higher than she does. You seem to prioritize spending time with her over other things (e.g. hanging out with friends.) She seems to have everything in her life (e.g. friends, partying, etc) including your relationship on the same priority level. This means that whenever she happens to choose another activity over spending time with you, you end up feeling badly because it's not what you would have done. The thing is, there's not much you can do in this situation but to accept her for how she is or to find someone else. You're not going to be able to have a talk to her about this and make her somehow put your relationship on a higher priority. It'll just make her feel like you're too demanding.
Jools Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 AJ, i feel for you m8. Reading MadDogs post above, his summary of the situation is similar to how i feel sometimes, that i prioritise the relationship more than she does, i want to spend more time with her, whereas she wants a bit more time to herself and doesn't always want to meet up or stay round mine when i suggest it. It can get frustrating and even at times makes me wonder what she's really thinking about the relationship, does the fact that she doesn't always want to hook up and can sometimes be rather quiet with replying to txts etc mean that she's becoming less interested? Or is it just the way she is? And so i have to accept that? I sometimes faulter between the 2 and when i think about it being the former, it depresses me.
tanbark813 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I feel that whenever she changes her plans, she's disrespecting me. She is. That's not your insecurities talking. If I were you, I would simply decline to hang out altogether any time she tried to change plans at the last minute. It also sounds like she's seeing other guys.
Walk Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I would've been pissed if my bf cancelled meeting me, and then went and hung out with a friend who's a girl. I wouldn't have even cared about it being a girl, that is just down right rude! She's too tired to see you, but not for every one else? The only way I could even possibly see that as plausible is if it were life and death situation. Otherwise, No. Even if my friends did that, I'd still be upset with them. If this is the type of things your talking about when you say she changes plans, then she's being disrespectful and inconsiderate.
SweetPea80 Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 The only thing that I can say Amerikanjin as a female is She is not interested in you, if she were you would know for sure. She is playing games with you. You need to move on. I know the attraction is very high, but you are wasting time chasing her around.
Vertex Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I would've been pissed if my bf cancelled meeting me, and then went and hung out with a friend who's a girl. I wouldn't have even cared about it being a girl, that is just down right rude! She's too tired to see you, but not for every one else? The only way I could even possibly see that as plausible is if it were life and death situation. Otherwise, No. Even if my friends did that, I'd still be upset with them. If this is the type of things your talking about when you say she changes plans, then she's being disrespectful and inconsiderate. This happened to me, AJ, and you saw how my crap turned out. My ex girlfriend frequently put me on the back burner in order for her to go hang with friends instead of me despite the fact that she hung out with those friends often and rarely saw me due to the long-distance nature of the relationship. Regardless, it sounds like she isn't prioritizing you. As said previously, changing people is damn near impossible, especially this early in the game. You can either consider other women or pull back and see if she comes to you more often. I know how it it to feel like you aren't being factored into someone's life -- someone's decision-making process. It is very unfulfilling and s***ty, especially if you're the one making sacrifices in order to make things work! Don't get sucked into that hole... "Don't make someone a priority when you're just an option"
johan Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 I don't think you should dump her, as if you need to sit down and have a long talk and categorize everything. Just back off. You don't owe her any explanations, just don't make her a higher priority that she does you. Otherwise you'll just keep feeling frustrated. She may be really serious about you, but somewhat flaky. Flaky isn't all that bad, if you can deal with it. Or maybe she isn't really that fired up about a relationship. I think in this case it would be better to find out in a roundabout way (by just cooling it and letting her come to you if she wants to) than it would be to sit her down and force her to tell you what you don't need to hear. You can preserve some dignity that way.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 Then she also tells me that on Saturday and Sunday she's got plans as well, which leaves only Friday for me, and I don't get home until late. We had made tentative plans to do stuff together this weekend, though neither of us had put anything down definitively. The last time I expressed my thoughts about this, we had a rather nice blowout. Not in the mood for that this time. I just feel conflicted...as hard as it is to believe there have been really good moments, and I know she does things with me that she doesn't do with others. I feel she treats me like her boyfriend...but I sometimes feel like it's not enough. Am I being unreasonable or insecure here? AJ, To tell you the truth, I used to be like that. I had problem trusting men and allowing myself to fall in love with a man. I was constantly worried about being abandoned once I showed that I cared. I acted uninterested with most men - it was my protective mechanism! That's why I didn't have sex until I found the one that I ended up marrying. (I was 22.) If you love her, you'll just have to go all the way. Show her more passion and devotion to assure her that you are for real. She will eventually come around; though in my case, I still had doubts after 2 years of marriage!! (My son was born, and all my worries went away! ) So that's what you need to think about. This is her, and she may be like this for many more years. If you cannot handle this flaw, then date other girls. Just let her know that you are not exclusive. Heck, if she's spending time with another guy, I don't see why she'd object to you spending some time with another girl.
Alexandra-Girl Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 The last time I expressed my thoughts about this, we had a rather nice blowout. Not in the mood for that this time. I just feel conflicted...as hard as it is to believe there have been really good moments, and I know she does things with me that she doesn't do with others. I feel she treats me like her boyfriend...but I sometimes feel like it's not enough. Am I being unreasonable or insecure here? The most important thing in any relationship is COMMUNICATION. You said yourself that breaking up is not an option because you like this girl. Clearly she knows this. So disregard anyone that suggests this option. Seeing other's would be considered cheating unless you both mutually communicated and decided to see others. If you choose this option, be prepared to feel worse off than previously for some time. I feel that the best thing for you to do is state to her, in a non confrontational way, that this is a pressing issue for you. If she is truly interrested in your feelings, she will attempt to understand. State that you two have addressed this previously and it is still unresolved. Tell her forthwright that this behavior is unacceptable and you find it disrespectful. BUT STATE WHY, do not leave it open for interpretation. She will interpret wrong. Do not be afraid to tell her this. If you are, then reconsider your relationship because something is holding you back from being honest. Let her know that her planning needs improvment because you are feeling like the backburner. You're not being too "sensitive" or "over-reacting", you are trying to improve a your relationship. Hope this helps, Alexandra
Author amerikajin Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 Thanks for the responses everyone. Otter and MadDog, you guys are right. This is who she is, and I just have to deal with it. This was my decision to pursue someone who has pretty much been consistently inconsistent from the start. The bottom line is that she still expresses interest in me, and we still go out and have a good time whenever we get together. I don't think you should dump her, as if you need to sit down and have a long talk and categorize everything. Just back off. You don't owe her any explanations, just don't make her a higher priority that she does you. Otherwise you'll just keep feeling frustrated. She may be really serious about you, but somewhat flaky. Flaky isn't all that bad, if you can deal with it. Or maybe she isn't really that fired up about a relationship. I think in this case it would be better to find out in a roundabout way (by just cooling it and letting her come to you if she wants to) than it would be to sit her down and force her to tell you what you don't need to hear. You can preserve some dignity that way. I think that's just it - she is flakey. She actually has been better about showing up on time, and she even asked me today if she felt she was getting better in that regard, so she's obviously responding to me or at least somewhat concerned with how I feel about things. I guess we're just straight up different. I need to plan things; she doesn't. But she's actually like that with everyone, and she's like that about a lot of things. I think the best advice is to pull back whenever she does this. In fact, I've noticed that she immediately responds whenever I pull back. Getting fired up doesn't seem to do anything except make the situation worse.
johan Posted May 20, 2006 Posted May 20, 2006 It reminds me a lot of two relationships (maybe three) I've had. A couple of them lasted for a few months. One lasted for almost four years. Women like that tend to be really self-absorbed. It's not that they don't care about the feelings of others, but they're lazy sometimes, not really interested in common courtesies, they feel guilty about it often, and they may be really caring people. This comes, I think, from some level of depression and possibly some really bad interactions with men in the past. The women just climb into their own little worlds and disconnect some of their feelings. I wouldn't be surprised to find out she's really pretty, and she's the type whose behavior has been tolerated by men who want to get her naked. That's how mine were. If this is true, you'll have to rise above her looks. This will require quite a bit of give and take. From your side more give up front. You'll also have to take something of a "father" stance with her and sort of "teach" her how her flakiness is affecting others and how she needs to be more aware of the feelings of others. If you get pissed at her as an equal, you'll just create a big conflict. She isn't equal to you in this respect. She's more of a little girl, and in these areas you'll have to treat her like one. But this is something you'll have to compromise on with her. Over time, if you're patient, she'll come around. That kind of patience can pay off. I don't guarantee it though.
Author amerikajin Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 Johan, I think you are dead-on accurate here. Word-for-word, I found myself nodding as I read your post. I agree that this is not necessarily something to trash a relationship over automatically, but it does try one's patience, and I guess I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I have the patience required to deal with this. Yes, I think she is self-absorbed. She is definitely pretty, and I think her behavior has been tolerated by guys in the past whose primary motivations have been snaking her. I've backed off as far as pushing sex goes, and I think she's really trusting me in that arena. And despite my expressed frustrations, I do think she has a lot of good qualities. I think she's sweet, and she's got a certain vigor and intelligence that I find attractive in addition to her looks. Even so, I don't think I can continue to deal with this tendency of hers to flake out and just make plans on the fly, especially when I end up at home on a Saturday night. I've already decided that I'm going to just start making plans of my own and get together with her whenever we're both free, as opposed to doing it in the reverse which has only frustrated me to no end hitherto. Do you see anything wrong with this approach?
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