zara Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Here's the situation. What would you do? Both myself and my bf use the same internet forum. Now when we were together first time round it became common knowledge that we were together. I certainly didn't overexpose the fact, indeed it was my bf who would sometimes call me "baby" on the forum and other cosy things. When we split up that too became common knowledge - this is complicated by the fact that we both know some of the people from the forum in real life - and when i posted a thread someone from the forum whom neither of us know in real life was very abusive to me. I complained to a moderator and the abuse was removed. Now me and my bf are back together and we continue to post on the board although he says he doesn't want anyone on the forum to know - however he accepts that the people who know us in real life will know and so it will become knowledge. Anyway, i posted in a thread that my bf had pointed out to me and this same poster abused me in two subsequent posts. This understandably upset me and my bf said that he didn't want to do anything about it because he felt humiliated by our relationship before. Fortunately many others jumped to my defense but i can't help but feel disappointed that he didn't. I even said to him that i understood not wanting to get into an argument on the board but perhaps a pm telling this person to be more respectful to me would not go amiss. He refused and said i am unreasonable to expect this. Am i?
Alexandra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Anyway, i posted in a thread that my bf had pointed out to me and this same poster abused me in two subsequent posts. This understandably upset me and my bf said that he didn't want to do anything about it because he felt humiliated by our relationship before. Fortunately many others jumped to my defense but i can't help but feel disappointed that he didn't. I even said to him that i understood not wanting to get into an argument on the board but perhaps a pm telling this person to be more respectful to me would not go amiss. He refused and said i am unreasonable to expect this. Am i? From a first glance I wouldn't say you are unreasonable however there are some things I am missing from the bigger picture, I believe. Number one what is the agreement between the two of you regarding his reactions when you need defence? Is he expected to apply corrective measures in real life? Was he expected to online before? Some women preffer that he never stands up for them from a sense of independence, in fact they'd be hurt if he did. Some others -I dare say most others- would want to take advantage of the protection having a man by their side should offer. So what were the boundaries in your relationship? Also what made my eyebrow raise was his reason. What does he mean he felt humiliated by your relationship before? That it ended? That they made fun of him online before? Regardless of those answers, if you feel you have been wronged in any way -and that goes for anything from forum etiquette to him watching porn lol- it's not only important to let him know but it's crucial that you let him know efficiently, meaning that you make your feelings known not judgements. There's a huge different between "I can't believe you did that you jerk! What am I doing being with someone like you!?!" and "Please try and understand that what you did earlier was upsetting to me and let's find a way to work with these situations in a way that helps both of us."
Author zara Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 Thanks for your reply Alexandra. It has been made explicit from the beginning of our relationship that i expect defence. From the moment we met i was quite clear that i expect my man to protect me since although capable i tire of doing it myself and in some circumstances it is simply impossible. About 8 months ago a situation occured where his lodger's girlfriend made insulting comments about me to him (in my absence) and he did not defend me and went so far as to attack me (verbally) for being upset. However, a month or so ago he said that he now realised that this was wrong and that he should have defended me against slander from this person and a couple of weeks later he did that. Therefore i was disapppointed that in this case he did not defend me but again chose to allow the person to abuse me. I did tell him this in the way that you state - by telling him that this upset me and that i wanted to know that in the future this would be handled differently. However, he does have a tendency to hear something entirely different from what i say and kept insisting that i asked him to make a post on the forum to declare our relationship and defend me. I quite explicitly told him that i did NOT expect this becasue i understood his wish not to be public about our relationship, but he doesn't believe me. His feelings of humiliation stem from his perception of posts i made when we split up - we were supposed to go on holiday together but we split, so a friend suggested i ask on the forums i use if anyone would like to buy the holiday. I posted this - with no reference to our relationship - just a post asking if anyone wanted to buy a holiday and he took this to be a dig at him - and it was this post that the forum abuser orginally insulted me for first time round. The fact is that my bf does not bel;eive that i was not trying to 'have a dig' at him, simply trying to recoup the £700 i had spent. He also says that a post i made in response to a girly thread about good looking boys was a dig at him when it was simply a girly remark about young sinlge girls (which i don't class myself as btw since i am 30!) being able to enjoy ogling good looking boys. He took this as a dig at him, although i have never perceived his own posts about ogling celebrities as a slur on me. But he and my abuser insist that many people on the forum think i was trying to humiliate my bf. Which i wasn't. If i was so inclined i would have been far more direct about it! I am concerned that he seems to think it abhorant that he perceives sly attempts at humiliation from me, yet openly humiliation to me is acceptable. However, i have spoken to him today and he admits that his reaction was wrong and that he hopes not to react that way in the future.
runner Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 what ?? if a troll was abusing my gf anywhere i'd jump in immediately. and he can't defend you for fear of 'being humiliated' ? thats crap
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