eyeswideshut Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Grrrrrls! Today I had an absolutely perfect day. everything was fine, I was jubilant. I just found out some excellent news at work about my career, and I was flying. Then I came home, ate like a queen, and was soo incredibly high that I couldn't read, write, practice piano, nothing. Last night I had reached a turning point, as in, accept he is not coming back. So I was thinking, well, since i don't care anymore (1% of me does, but I'm killing all hope with my arrogance) I am writing an email to my MM and telling him about all these happy things I am doing in my life. I wanted to share with someone, I also thought he should see me this happy so that he can just know that I'm doing just fine without him. My plan is to NOW try a mild NC. Nothing drastic. Just so that he knows that from now on, I'm unreachable because I'm so fine. But then I re-read my email and I regretted it. i was like a nicotine addict celebrating being clean by lighting up. He must think because he phoned me last night that I'm hooked on him again. He must be thrilled that he's got me trapped again. Now, since i'm feeling strong, and happy, and not so fearful to get involved, I think it's a dangerous time, because I might just let him in and be back at square one. Maybe I'm lying to myself and I'm happy because deep down I know he loves me??!!?! Anyway. I need to know how to deal with his next phone call, (I predict it will be tomorrow night or next Tuesday, or Saturday morning) and his wife leaving for three weeks in June. I do want to do NC, but I don't want it to show too much. i want to mysteriously disappear. Any tips? Should I just go NC cold turkey? And how to do it without him thinking that I'm doing it because I'm so hurt, I don't want him to know this. I've got so much pride, it's the worst! (I'm the seven deadly sins wrapped up in one) I'm curious to know how you do it? which words do you use? or you just disappear? It's not that I don't want him in my life, but I just don't want him to ruin the momentum I'm gaining. He'll always be in my life. My brother just invited me for drinks with his "friends" next week, my MM told me that he had suggested that idea. Argh. He wants to hang out!!!!!!!! Not only does he have a routine with me, I have a routine with him. I hate this!
Blind Illusion Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I almost wrote one of those emails tonight myself. Then I read OzGirl's farewell post and what she said about looking towards MM and not inward and it really hit home. I'm not sure how you should deal with the next call from your MM. I am wondering that myself. I didn't answer the last one and normally he would call again but he hasn't. That was a week ago so maybe fear was making me want to write the email. Fear that it was really over????
Sami_D Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Last night I had reached a turning point, as in, accept he is not coming back. So I was thinking, well, since i don't care anymore (1% of me does, but I'm killing all hope with my arrogance) I am writing an email to my MM and telling him about all these happy things I am doing in my life. I wanted to share with someone, I also thought he should see me this happy so that he can just know that I'm doing just fine without him. The voices!!! They'll try anything to get you to make that call. Any kind of 'reasons' they can come up with why it will be OK to get in touch with him. HA!! If you were doing fine without him you wouldn't have even thought of contacting him... I do want to do NC, but I don't want it to show too much. i want to mysteriously disappear. Any tips? Should I just go NC cold turkey? And how to do it without him thinking that I'm doing it because I'm so hurt, I don't want him to know this. I'm sorry, I can't remember what your story was, and what his position is. I know I keep replying to your threads, but I never seem to see a response to what I've written... I don't think I'm paying attention. So... What exactly is it that you want? If you could state that clearly, then it would be easier to give tips on NC and how to enter it. One thing I would say is... you're really wasting your time trying to get someone to believe something about you or think a particular way. You can't make him believe you don't care what he thinks... just because your mind is telling YOU that you 'don't care and have accepted he's out of your life'... your actions (as you say) are showing exactly the opposite.
Whitt Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I would try a firm NC if I were you. Show him what life is like without you. Anyway . . . I can see from your post that you are an intelligent and compassionate person. There are unmarried men out there that would be dying to meet you. Go out and meet some of them. The best way to forget an old dog is to get a new puppy. Make that email the truth!
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 WWIU.... For me, I sent one email ending the A and went cold turkey completely! I didn't respond to his emails and I screened my phone calls for 5 1/2 months. Then look what happened last Saturday! He shows up at my door a mess!! Zara bet me 10 peanuts I would hear from him again! (oh ya..Zara I've got to get those nuts to you *laughing*). I really didn't think he would!! One thing is for certain, it was, and still is all about "What I Want".
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 WWIU.... For me, I sent one email ending the A and went cold turkey completely! I didn't respond to his emails and I screened my phone calls for 5 1/2 months. Then look what happened last Saturday! He shows up at my door a mess!! Zara bet me 10 peanuts I would hear from him again! (oh ya..Zara I've got to get those nuts to you *laughing*). I really didn't think he would!! One thing is for certain, it was, and still is all about "What I Want". *wink* do I know these MMs or what?!?? lol.... *snort* *snort*... ummmmm nuts.... I wonder what would happen if I just broke my contract and resigned?
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara..... If you resigned, you would probably send the exMM out of his mind!!! I can bet you that 10 peanuts!! Heck! He still gets to see you everyday! I can only imagine his frame of mind, if he was never to lay eyes on you again! Face it! He's still spoiled in that respect! *laughing*
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara..... If you resigned, you would probably send the exMM out of his mind!!! I can bet you that 10 peanuts!! Heck! He still gets to see you everyday! I can only imagine his frame of mind, if he was never to lay eyes on you again! Face it! He's still spoiled in that respect! *laughing* hmmm... contract's up in a few months. I'll just not renew then.... I hope I'll have the strength to say no. We'll bet on the 10 peanuts at that point. In the mean time, I'll enjoy the 10 that I won from you
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 xMM also on three separate occassion since yesterday wished me a good time when I'm away. Once coming to my desk and then the other times by email. I'm only going for a few days, its not like I'm never coming back.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara..... *laughing* What a knob he is!!! Seriously, can you even imagine his state of mind if he never would lay eyes on you again!! *shakes head*
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara..... *laughing* What a knob he is!!! Seriously, can you even imagine his state of mind if he never would lay eyes on you again!! *shakes head* yep... he's a knob.
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 So RC, you are the one he came back to "a mess" after all this time? I kept thinking it was Sami D. Zara, what is going on with you now? You are married, but seeing a MM? Clarify this for me please. What are your situations now? (as in, the last couple of days) ALL of YOU! LNF, JESSIE, MOVIN ON, BLIND ILLUSION. all of my virtual friends. (sorry if I forget someone) I know I have to try NC, but let's see. I think I will just tell myself, this week I'm screening my calls and not answering for 10 days. then, I will go for 11, then 12... eventually, I can just go NC cold turkey. hahahaha. It's just that he's there, I mean I'm still going to the annual BBQ and he'll be there, I know I will see him eventually, because he's my brother's best friend. So I just don't want any awkwardness. I don't want the "relationship", that is established. But I don't want him to think I'm all mad and that I cannot even deal with him. that's all. (1% of me still wants him, but I am one of those people who think, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.. so I won't do anything to manipulate the situation.) AND also, he knows all about women tricks. He worked as a men's magazine correspondent and editor and I've read all his "psychological" essays on how to pick up women, and how women play their mind games. I'm positive he knows about the NC game. hahaha
Sami_D Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I'm 3 weeks into NC with MM because he couldn't seem to get around to leaving. Nothing dramatic happened, we just, well... had a R and decided we wanted to be together. But I was getting depressed and stressed with the waiting. I'm still not sure... what is it you WANT, eyeswideshut..? There's really no need to play games.
movinon05 Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 EWS, NC is not a game. It is a means to an end. It is a lifeline for those who need to get on with their lives. It is the most important thing one can do for themselves to set themselves on a path to realize there is more to life out there than a lonely phone call, a hop in the sack, a quick little heartflipping e-mail. NC hurts like hell for most. You ask Sami and WA if they think its a game. I won't speak for them. But between Sami, WA and I, NC is different for all of us and what we are trying to accomplish. I ask Sami and WA to give you their perspective and what NC means for them. NC for me is self preservation. I was NCd. So I choose to keep it that way and get on with my life. Erase all hope. Once I accepted that this last time, I was able to get better. Some people don't have the "luxury" of NC, if you could call NC a luxury. Zara and others have to work with the (ex)MM. You will have to see your MM at times. This means you cannot completely go NC and never speak to them, but you can make cut off that part of your relationship that has anything other to do with just having to know them. In my opinion, in your situation, you don't make it a game. You tell him you are NCing, tell him why and don't worry what he thinks you are trying to do or if you are playing a game. Make it clear to him that it is what you have to do for you. And then stick to it!! You're dancing around this NC thing. You know June is coming and I think you're playing with NC until that time, when you might find out more. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows. But you can't move on and move past this without it. As for me, thanks for asking. I'm just hanging in and probably breaking up with my BF tomorrow night. Its just not cutting it anymore. But its not going to get me down, that's for sure.
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 Alright, here's what I want. I want the guy. I want him. But if I can't have him, (and the more I think about it, the more I realize I can't have him) it's like love suspended in the air, and now I'm trying to figure out where exactly I want it to land. I AM a control freak, that I know. This is the first thing in my life that is totally out of my control. Sorry if i seem arrogant, but even while I know it's out of my control, I still "feel" as though i can control "him". (someone kick me in the head, I can't stand it when I am this confident, but these are my honest feelings.) Sami. I do wish he would realize for himself that his marriage is over, etc, etc, etc.... Hook up with me, and then marry me. Yes that is my bottom line. Except, the more time moves forward, the less lust hovers over with its power, and the more I see reality: -he is married -I was probably just good for his ego -i don't fit into the "gang" like his wife does. (well, I do, but, I'm a little less conservative than his friends) -my family, my judgmental family (esp. mother and aunts,) will never accept me being with a divorced man, will think I am a homewrecker -he's a little more selfish than I ever gave him credit -ok so we have "everything" in common. who the hell cares, I've got friends for that You see, as days go by, more "realistic" voices speak to me, and that is why I think, for me, NC would just make this relationship more like something I idolize, like: oh, he was the man with the most qualities I've ever seen. By occasionally speaking to him, exchanging, I have the luxury of seeing him for who he is, and if I'm not interested, I can just walk away and no questions asked, he's married after all. Yet, the other side of the coin, what if I do become interested, well, maybe that's where my fault lies. I KNOW that he's married so I won't let myself get attached. One thing for sure, and thanks for reminding me MO, my best friend (the other MM) was asking me what I was doing in june as well. I almost forgot. But I won't cave in. Don't worry. I am absolutely NOT seeing him in June. If he even asks, I think I will get mad. But I've got my June all planned out. All of it. Every second of it. I'm writing and finishing my novel, my family is coming back from their winter home in SouthEast Asia, I'm planning my trip to France (I'm going to Jessie's engagement party, ), all my friends have booked me, including my guy friends who wine and dine me.... See how deluded I am, I am so in denial that I saw NC as a manipulation tactic to get him back! Is it just me, or do other people see it that way in some small way?? You think I'm going to grieve this now? How on earth can I? There is nothing to grieve, it hadn't even started! We were only together 9 months, and during the course of these months his brother died so we weren't even dating, it was all just a very sporadic relationship of being there for one another. It hadn't even begun. So I was still at the "wow this could be something" stage, it just stopped suddenly. Anyway. Maybe it's like those teenage smokers who get hooked because they don't own packs yet, and then they think they are immune to addiction. Maybe it's that. Because I can't even put my mind around this whole thing.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 EWS.... Today my situation is..... I am having my cake and eating it too!! *laughing* In other words, I remain open to other opportunities and plan on keeping him on the sly! Going NC helped alot. My feelings are not as deep as they were back then, but that is not to say...... MAN! THE SEX IS FANTASTIC! For today I have no desire for a "commited relationship". So I'll keep him in the loop for intimate purposes because I'm comfortable with him in that way, and remain in the weeding process until I find my equal. I told him that flat out! He's fine with it because he said "he will take me anyway he can have me".... No guilt here!
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 19, 2006 Author Posted May 19, 2006 See? I kinda think like you. Except when I get to that point it'll be because I REALLY don't want him. hahahaha!!!!! Good for you, you cake eater you!!! Save some for the rest of us okay?? God. tell me about it. Sometimes I wonder if I would be in these situations if it weren't for the sex. You know what I told him? (A month ago, in bed) He was saying he didn't know how to get over me, or if he ever would. And I said since I really care for you as a friend, I'll marry you. Then once we're married, the sex will be bad, and then you can go back to your real wife. hahaha But do tell... don't stop at that. Tell the whole story, in Coles note form.
Jessie61 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 So RC, you are the one he came back to "a mess" after all this time? I kept thinking it was Sami D. Zara, what is going on with you now? You are married, but seeing a MM? Clarify this for me please. What are your situations now? (as in, the last couple of days) ALL of YOU! LNF, JESSIE, MOVIN ON, BLIND ILLUSION. all of my virtual friends. (sorry if I forget someone) EWS, Again I missed most of the discussion because I am in the wrong flippin' time zone... (MUST move again! Mental note!!! ). But I will take one thing at a time. What is my situation? Well, things have moved on in the last couple of days. MM has told his W categorically that he is leaving, that all his feelings are gone, that he doesn't want to spend the next 10 years clocking in and out just waiting for the kids to grow up so that he can leave then, and that he will not be blackmailed into staying. So they have now finally agreed the terms of the separation (access to kids, money etc). They have also agreed the date - which is the date we had in mind. SHE wants all legal documents to be sorted asap and she is finding out more from her counsellor about how to tell the kids etc... Will it happen finally??? Only time will tell, girls!!!! You know already what I am about to say, don't you???? "SEEING IS BELIEVING!!!!"
Jessie61 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I know I have to try NC, but let's see. I think I will just tell myself, this week I'm screening my calls and not answering for 10 days. then, I will go for 11, then 12... eventually, I can just go NC cold turkey. hahahaha. It's just that he's there, I mean I'm still going to the annual BBQ and he'll be there, I know I will see him eventually, because he's my brother's best friend. So I just don't want any awkwardness. I don't want the "relationship", that is established. But I don't want him to think I'm all mad and that I cannot even deal with him. that's all. (1% of me still wants him, but I am one of those people who think, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.. so I won't do anything to manipulate the situation.) AND also, he knows all about women tricks. He worked as a men's magazine correspondent and editor and I've read all his "psychological" essays on how to pick up women, and how women play their mind games. I'm positive he knows about the NC game. hahaha EWS, I agree with Movinon on the issue of NC... Yes, it does mean different things for different people, but it is a means to an end. For me it has been a tool to literally save my sanity. Yes, a way of survival. For me it was never a game or a tactic to "get my man"; I was so heartily fed up, hurt, humiliated and broken by the A that I had to leave it, otherwise I felt that I would have gone under. The problem with "tactics" are that they can blow up in your face, right? Using NC as "tactics" is certainly letting go of the control of the situation because you don't know what is going to happen, whereas when NC is genuinely about NC it is more about regaining control... Anyway, I get the impression that you haven't quite decided what to do about the NC thing..? You will probably have to decide what NC means to you, and then you have to decide if you want to do it... OR if you want to be a "cake eater"... If you do decide that NC is the way to go, then you mustn't worry about awkwardness too much... Think of an excuse not to go the BBQ etc. So what if he thinks you're mad at him? He's a big boy now and he can look after himself... If this isn't your preferred solution, then I believe that RC has some suggestions...????
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Alright, here's what I want. I want the guy. I want him. But if I can't have him, (and the more I think about it, the more I realize I can't have him) it's like love suspended in the air, and now I'm trying to figure out where exactly I want it to land. I AM a control freak, that I know. Yes, I could see from your earlier post, and commented, that you were trying to make him feel and think a certain way about you. This is why you see NC as a 'maniuplation tactic': See how deluded I am, I am so in denial that I saw NC as a manipulation tactic to get him back! Is it just me, or do other people see it that way in some small way?? And it IS that, in one way of looking at things. But then, if you look at things that way, any smile or kind word is a 'manipulation tactic'! The reality of it is that, not only is NC incredibly difficult to do, it is also letting go of them. It's saying... this is me, and this is what I will/won't accept... you (MM) may do as you like, but I'm through with this. NC is allowing them to come to their own conclusion. And you know that yourself... otherwise you, arch-manipulator that you fear yourself to be... would actually have done NC already, 'knowing' that 'it works'. NC only works if being with you is what they truly want. Having the leap of faith in them and yourself to do NC... is not about manipulating... it's about the opposite... letting go, and seeing what happens. AND IT IS SCARY.
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 EWS, Again I missed most of the discussion because I am in the wrong flippin' time zone... (MUST move again! Mental note!!! ). Tell me about it! *waving at you across the Channel*
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 So they have now finally agreed the terms of the separation (access to kids, money etc). They have also agreed the date - which is the date we had in mind. SHE wants all legal documents to be sorted asap and she is finding out more from her counsellor about how to tell the kids etc... Will it happen finally??? Only time will tell, girls!!!! You know already what I am about to say, don't you???? "SEEING IS BELIEVING!!!!" Fingers crossed for you Jessie !!! :D We need more 'success stories' on this board!!
movinon05 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 NC only works if being with you is what they truly want. I would just like to add, as I said in my other post, NC does work. But not just in the fact that they might be with you if that is what they truly want. But in my case and probably WA's, it works because we become ourselves again and are no longer tired, tried, and waiting. It is a true liberation. It works for us because it makes us stronger and we find ourselves. Even if that is not the perfect world we would have wanted and we don't have the MM. It is a means to our own personal end by giving ourselves a chance to be happy again. And that means that we will be happy again without MM. So it really does work for all reasons. And Good Luck Jess!! We're rooting for you!
Sami_D Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 "NC only works if being with you is what they truly want." ~ Sami D I would just like to add, as I said in my other post, NC does work. But not just in the fact that they might be with you if that is what they truly want. But in my case and probably WA's, it works because we become ourselves again and are no longer tired, tried, and waiting. It is a true liberation. Yes, absolutely. That is the main point of NC.. that it is for you to be out of the Affair! I was meaning that NC 'works' in terms of them doing something (i.e. responding to EWS suggestion that it's manipulation) IF they wanted it anyway. It's not going to make a MM run out on his M just because you won't talk to him on the phone! If he doesn't want out... it won't get him out, however much you ignore him. NC isn't some simple, foolproof, always-works, all-powerful way of getting MM to leave a M and be with you. IF it were, then wouldn't we all be doing it?
Walking away Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I agree with Sami and Movinon... For whatever subconscious reason one chooses to go NC, the underlying premise is that the person has LET GO. Really and truly. Let go of the waiting and wondering. Let go of the nail biting and sleepless nights. Let go of the damning hope and shattering setbacks. Let go of the incredible highs and devastating lows. Let go of the agitation and irritation. And, finally, let go of what we CANNOT control....the MM. Letting go is allowing ourselves the freedom to see life without all of the things we endured within the affair. Letting go is for US. Our sanity. And our lives. And, yes, Sami...it is hard. But incredibly worth it.
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