Blind Illusion Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I can't seem to find any LoveShack forum for "Venting About Your Terrible Marriage While you Try to get Over Your Extramarital Affair That Resulted from It." I'll post here by default, then, because the alternative is to keep it inside instead.. I was invited to a surprise party today. I tell my husband, who always thinks I never want to do things with him, figuring here is something we can do as a couple, with other people around as buffers. (since we so need that). Of course my husband doesn't want to go because "what did these people ever do for me that I should go to their party?" Here are potential friends we can have in common as a couple but my husband can't see that. Nor can he see that most people go to parties to have fun. Then there is the fund raiser I did on Saturday for my daughter's graduating class. That was also a problem because "Blind Illusion, why must you do that...let other people instead. That's how stupid you can be since you can't see that you are doing more and getting the same benefit" (Never mind, I like doing things like this occasionally and I nedded to focus on something other than the MM lately) Yesterday, was a big public tirade in the streets because I didn't ask the receptionist for a bag for something. (I had, but she didn't have one). After this rant, I called him an arse_ _ _ _! Yes, It wasn't terribly mature of me with the namecalling and today, that's what he remembers and wants to discuss. Of course, nothing about his yelling and always assuming I did wrong. That's why I will never tell him about my affair....he would so conveniently fixate the rest of his life on my one instance of bad behavior while refusing to see any of his own faults. All of this makes me miss the MM even more and I kept thinking of calling him all day even though I know that really isn't the answer either. Maybe there really isn't an answer for me, after all.
Guest Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time at the moment. I miss my ex-MM like crazy and it has been 3 and a half months so far or sem-no-contact. I am currently arguing with my partner and this makes me long for and yearn the fun, the passion, the laughter and the love I had with my MM. I can't get him back. He didn't leave his W so....we had to stop seeing each other. It is so hard to get through it sometimes, but we will. There is an answer for you out there. You will find it. Don't lose hope and faith that your life will once again be joyful.
Walking away Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Oh I am so sorry. I was in a marriage kinda like yours. After years of him ignoring my needs...I told him that I was lonely. And, that if I was going to be lonely, I was going to be lonely alone. And, I made him leave. He fought like the dickens for the marriage after that, but it was too late for us. I had no feelings left for him. Just love for the father of my children. Certainly not the love that keeps a marriage healthy and strong. I have no easy answers for you. As you know, the life with the MM tends to be a dead end road as very few of them ever leave to be with the OW. And staying in a difficult marriage is hard also. I had to make a choice for myself and for my children. And I felt it was best that they be raised in a healthy one parent home instead of an unhealthy two parent home. That was seven years ago. I am alone still. And, I don't regret for one moment the decision that I made. My kids and I are doing very well. I have strong daughters that see now that it is okay to be alone. It is healthy. And my son will know how to treat women having four sisters and a mom around all the time. I know that you want to contact the MM. I understand. Especially now when you husband is being so distant and cold to you. It is human nature, I think, to seek those basic needs of being loved.... Write to us. We are here. And, many of us understand what you are going through. Hugs WA
movinon05 Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I was invited to a surprise party today. I tell my husband, who always thinks I never want to do things with him, figuring here is something we can do as a couple, with other people around as buffers. (since we so need that). Of course my husband doesn't want to go because "what did these people ever do for me that I should go to their party?" Here are potential friends we can have in common as a couple but my husband can't see that. Nor can he see that most people go to parties to have fun. You know, men can't read our minds. You're asking him to see what you can see. But did you tell him this? Maybe he would have looked at it differently. . Yesterday, was a big public tirade in the streets because I didn't ask the receptionist for a bag for something. (I had, but she didn't have one). After this rant, I called him an arse_ _ _ _! Yes, It wasn't terribly mature of me with the namecalling and today, that's what he remembers and wants to discuss. Of course, nothing about his yelling and always assuming I did wrong. That's why I will never tell him about my affair....he would so conveniently fixate the rest of his life on my one instance of bad behavior while refusing to see any of his own faults.. I understand you can't tell him the root of your moods, but I am wondering, have you talked about your M? Does he see a problem with it? Is he happy and ignorant of you guys having problems? . All of this makes me miss the MM even more and I kept thinking of calling him all day even though I know that really isn't the answer either. Maybe there really isn't an answer for me, after all. No, that's not the answer, its a bandaid. I don't blame you though. I dont' have answers for you. Just questions I'm sure you've probably stated in other posts. How long has the A been going on? And as above, does your H know you two are having problems?
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 . How long has the A been going on? And as above, does your H know you two are having problems? I have been married 11 years, affair going on for 6. I have been having marital problems for 11 years...it is a marriage that never should have been. We are just two totally different people, even if you eradicate all the problems from this. Yes, my husband is aware we have problems. He also thinks that I am causing them. The MM urged me to check out therapy for us so we could have a more harmonious home and after pleading, he went exactly once. Personally I think my husband has some mental health issues he refuses to even address. He goes from 0 to 100 and back again with hardly any rhyme or reason. I think he should be on medication possibly but he won't entertain that thought either. I have no idea why. He has no problem taking any other medication but for his mind, the most important thing of all, he won't.
LakeGirl Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I have read both of the post in this and can't beleive the both of you. You are un happy enough with your marriage to go out and full around. But you won't just face facts that you both have guys that don't appreciate you. So why are you staying? Obviously there are other men out there that find you attractive and interseting. So why stay in a house that makes you miserable? WHY? I have always said I would just leave if I get that un happy.
aloneinthis Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I have read both of the post in this and can't beleive the both of you. You are un happy enough with your marriage to go out and full around. But you won't just face facts that you both have guys that don't appreciate you. So why are you staying? Obviously there are other men out there that find you attractive and interseting. So why stay in a house that makes you miserable? WHY? I have always said I would just leave if I get that un happy. Lake girl- You obviously dont understand, and unless you are in BI shoes, or anyones elses, how could you? This is not judgement time. This is a time for support, and if you cant give it, why post?? Maybe one day you will have the unfortunate realization that you are in a not-so-good marriage and feel "stuck" for whatever reason. Maybe then, you would have a tiny ounce of compassion. BI- I can understand the A**hole of a H. I can understand why you want to go your MM for support. I do the same thing (all though my OM is not married, its the same boat). I get it. You get the support, love, understanding that not even your girlfriends can understand and make you feel better about. The OM is quite the addiction, that grows stronger when we are belittled by our spouses. Our OM does not make us feel that way. If they did, we would no have them, IMO. Dont have much advice here other than to let you know I know exactly how you feel. My H was calling me names the other night, and all I could think of was running to my OM and hugging him and crying on his shoulder. He would understand. As you know your MM would understand.
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I have read both of the post in this and can't beleive the both of you. You are un happy enough with your marriage to go out and full around. But you won't just face facts that you both have guys that don't appreciate you. So why are you staying? Obviously there are other men out there that find you attractive and interseting. So why stay in a house that makes you miserable? WHY? I have always said I would just leave if I get that un happy. LG, things are never as simple as you make them out to be. I'm not saying that going outside a marriage is right, but I've been there. I don't have any excuse for what I did, but I understand how it felt when you are so alone and someone finally comes into your life and tells you how much you deserve to be loved and treats you with the love and affect you have always craved. So... I think until you've walked in our shoes, you won't really ever understand what BI's going through. BI, stay strong. Stay true to yourself. If your H thinks you are the cause of the problems in your marriage, then he's really not taking his share of responsibility for it. Like I've said in previous posts, I think that many men don't think about their share of responsibility with the marriage breaking down until you actually walk out the door. By that time, most of us are so sick and tired that we just don't have it in us to give any more chances. My friend's wife actually left him and moved to another country. At first, he was happier than a pig in the mud... when the full extent of his not taking responsibility hit him and he realized what was at stake, he moved heaven and earth to get her back. I hope that they are doing fine now. Anyway, you do deserve more than how either of these men are treating you. You are worth so much more. Take good care and good luck.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara.... Your post is so true!! I was in the exact situation. I gave so much during the relationship that by the time I was packing I had nothing left to give. Heck! Even counselling couldn't repair the damage. My exH "Killed" all the love that I once had. He's pleading, and begging for me to come back and says he realized how badly he treated me! Well, to bad, so sad! Too late!
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara.... Your post is so true!! I was in the exact situation. I gave so much during the relationship that by the time I was packing I had nothing left to give. Heck! Even counselling couldn't repair the damage. My exH "Killed" all the love that I once had. He's pleading, and begging for me to come back and says he realized how badly he treated me! Well, to bad, so sad! Too late! My H kept pleading and he said the same thing. He also told me that if I don't try one more time, that I may live to regret it. I told him that I had very little to give but he wanted me back anyway. So we are trying. But I was done when I left... I walked out that door and had no intentions of looking back. He called every day, emailed every day until he broke my resolve. He promises to fight for me now... we'll see how it goes. I know that if he doesn't, then there will be someone out there (no one waiting in the wings) who will.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara.... For me, I will never go back to the emotional abuse. Never! I don't even "Like" him. I don't hate him "he is who he is", but I just don't like him! Its kinda like.... I don't "Like" the color green on me! I don't hate it! But me and green just don't gel. It does nothing for me!
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara.... For me, I will never go back to the emotional abuse. Never! I don't even "Like" him. I don't hate him "he is who he is", but I just don't like him! Its kinda like.... I don't "Like" the color green on me! I don't hate it! But me and green just don't gel. It does nothing for me! My H was not emotionally abusive... just didn't know when to step up and how to meet my ENs. Its hard feeling lonely in a marriage. I hope not to ever feel that way again, but I know what to do next time I feel like that. My H is a really nice person. He's a good man with a heart of gold. He's not as focused as I am, maybe not as ambitious, and definitely moves at a slower pace than I do. Sometimes these traits frustrates me, but I can live with them. However, when people attack me and my intelligence, I have the expectation that he stands up and say something, especially when its by his family member or friends of theirs. I have stepped up for him, defended him, etc., but didn't feel he was willing to do the same. For me, that was the biggest disappointment and I felt really let down.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara.... Yes! I suffered much the same as you in part as well, so I can relate. Like I said, in my marriage it was only a small part to all the bigger crap! I never seen it coming, he was such a con! He had everyone fooled, but eventully the true colors come out. The marriage lasted five years of the five, I spent two trying to save it! So its not like I didn't try! I have no regrets. I was there....'POOF' now I'm not!
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara.... Yes! I suffered much the same as you in part as well, so I can relate. Like I said, in my marriage it was only a small part to all the bigger crap! I never seen it coming, he was such a con! He had everyone fooled, but eventully the true colors come out. The marriage lasted five years of the five, I spent two trying to save it! So its not like I didn't try! I have no regrets. I was there....'POOF' now I'm not! I totally hear you! I think that when you try so hard and you get nothing in return, that's when we feel like we're done. I've only been back with H for a few months so its probably too soon to tell where its going. Wish me luck though.
RealityCheck Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara... Absolutely BIG CUDO'S to you both!! You already know how I feel about you, but it certainly is fair to say that I have alot of respect for your H for acknowledging his part and now taking action to repair the damage! Luck and Love to you both!!
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Zara... Absolutely BIG CUDO'S to you both!! You already know how I feel about you, but it certainly is fair to say that I have alot of respect for your H for acknowledging his part and now taking action to repair the damage! Luck and Love to you both!! Thanks RC!! I honestly didn't think that my M would be so trying. I have seen much effort on H's side and that keeps me home. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around now because I have that 'if you don't like it you know where the door is' attitude. Don't get me wrong... I still believe in compromises, but I will not make huge sacrifices anymore, nor will I ignore situations as I used to. I'm learning too. Hugs all around!!
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