confusedhusband Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 My last post I was telling everyone that my wife had confessed (while completely hammered) to having feelings for a life long friend of hers. When I asked her about it the next morning she could not explain why she had said such things and assured me that I was the only one she loved. Also my last post we were heading out of town with her friend and another friend for the weekend and I was watching for signs. So they acted how they normally do... normal chatter nothing special nothing out of the blue. And so my mind was put at ease - until last night. I got home from work to find her on the couch all upset. She said she needed to tell me something and my heart stopped. She said that she did have feelings for him and that she was confused becuase she loves me so much and doesn't understand how this could of happened. She says she doesn't want to feel this way about him but her feelings just won't go away. She then confessed that she on two seperate occassions has kissed him - but that was it... And they had both decided it was wrong and that it would never happen again So now what - my worst fears are justified. My wife has feelings for another man who she kissed twice. but she still wants to be with me and is confused. I went away for the weekend with the two of them and would of had no clue if she didn't tell me. He acted like nothing had ever happened and so did she. how am I supposed to feel about this? How could they look me in the eye after this.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I am sooo sorry you have to deal with this. My husband had an EA and they shared one kiss. Well, not a make-out session, but not just one kiss either whatever that means. Anger, hurt, fear, frustration, disbelieve ... all things I am sure you are feeling right now. Don't do anything in the heat of the moment, don't agree, disagree, make threats, etc. What you need to do now is figure out if you love your wife, and if you believe that she is sincere in that it will not ever happen again. You two will have to communicate to find out what her ENs were that she feel you weren't meeting. Have you had a chance to get that book His Needs/Her Needs yet? I highly suggest reading it. It did wonders in helping me understand why it happened and the ability to understand that what I think are his needs, because they are my needs and make sense to me, isn't necessarily true. I wasn't meeting my husband's EN. But it took him having an EA for me to realize that. We have made it. Our marriage is great. Wasn't an easy road. The pain was intense. But, right now, in this moment, you have to deal with the blow you've been dealt. Talk, talk again, talk more ... talk, talk, talk with your wife. And, have lots of sex. That is what we did. And, actually that is one of the many things recommended in the book. It allowed us to get the intimacy back into our relationship that had somehow disappeared without either one of us noticing it. Again, I'm sorry.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ DazednConfused's post about his wife cheating on him. It's long, very long, but worth the read. Take your time and go through it and read what he says and does. Maybe you'll gain some insight on how to handle things with your wife. I'm sorry for your pain. Keep venting it out, either here, or to a close friend, or even consider one on one therapy to help you cope.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 WWIU - Good idea! When I first started checking out LS in September/October there was a link to Dazed's thread. I read the whole thing and it helped me realize a lot and think about what was going to happen.
corwin Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I think you've just found the tip of the iceberg with this info regarding your spouse and her "friend". In typical wayward spouse fashion, she denied, denied, denied. Then you get a little bit of the truth. There will be many more lies to uncover before you actually start to see the truth. If your love for each other is strong as you both claim, then you may be able to get through this together. Just prepare yourself for the worst so that as the truth starts to get revealed, you won't be completely unprepared to deal with it. As for her "friend".... If you two really want to save this marriage, he must be dropped from your lives completely. There must be no contact with him anymore. Of course, she will fight you on this as he must be providing some emotional need for her. However, they crossed the lines of friendship by kissing ( and likely, doing more). So, there is no way they can return to the same friendship again. He simply must go.... period.
Guest Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 My last post I was telling everyone that my wife had confessed (while completely hammered) to having feelings for a life long friend of hers. When I asked her about it the next morning she could not explain why she had said such things and assured me that I was the only one she loved. Also my last post we were heading out of town with her friend and another friend for the weekend and I was watching for signs. So they acted how they normally do... normal chatter nothing special nothing out of the blue. And so my mind was put at ease - until last night. I got home from work to find her on the couch all upset. She said she needed to tell me something and my heart stopped. She said that she did have feelings for him and that she was confused becuase she loves me so much and doesn't understand how this could of happened. She says she doesn't want to feel this way about him but her feelings just won't go away. She then confessed that she on two seperate occassions has kissed him - but that was it... And they had both decided it was wrong and that it would never happen again So now what - my worst fears are justified. My wife has feelings for another man who she kissed twice. but she still wants to be with me and is confused. I went away for the weekend with the two of them and would of had no clue if she didn't tell me. He acted like nothing had ever happened and so did she. how am I supposed to feel about this? How could they look me in the eye after this. leave her...she'll probably cheat! you sound like a nice enough guy..why would she do that to you?
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Leaving isn’t always the right thing to do. Isn’t marriage supposed to be through thick and thin? Better or worse? Aren’t all people allowed to make a mistake ONCE? Not that this is necessarily the case here, but it is pretty prevelant throughout this whole Forum ... when the spouse wants to forgive they get these types of comments. Yeah, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but people come here in pain asking for help. He didn’t ask how do I leave her, or should he leave her, or stay ... he is venting his anger and frustration and trying to figure out how to deal with it. In all relationships there comes a time when you have to start doing the maintenance it requires to keep it healthy. Sometimes, you don’t realize this until something hits you in your gut. You have to KNOW and act on what your significant other’s emotional needs are. Most people aren’t even aware of what the other person’s top five are. I know I didn’t. Shoot, I didn’t even realize there was a thing called emotional needs. I thought he needed the same thing I needed. When he would mention how he does all these other things for me, I would think he was crazy. What I realize now is that he was giving me what his top needs were, and I was giving him what my top needs were ... and they were two totally different things. People think that affairs only happen in bad marriages, or people cheat because they are slime-balls. In the majority of cases that is not true. Even the best of marriages are targets for an affair if either party is not getting their significant emotional needs met. It doesn't mean they don't love their partner, it just means they are looking for something that they are missing. In order for the relationship to have even began, those needs were being met at one time. It is just that life happens, and if you aren't aware of those needs, and you don't do the maintenance, then your relationship is prime for an affair. Yes, there are people who cheat just to cheat. And cake-eaters, both man and woman. But one mistake? Jeesh! Find out what the symptoms are that caused it in the first place! An affair isn't the cause of the problems, it is a result of the symptoms. Yes it hurts. Yes it is hard. Yes it takes time. But ... it is indeed worth it. If she is indeed willing to do everything in her power to show you that her heart and mind is with you, and only you, and you love eachother. Then you owe it to your relationship and your marriage to try. If you throw in the towel now, without knowing what it was that she felt she was missing that caused her to look for it in someone else, how will you ever know that another relationship won’t end up the same due to your lack of understanding the importance behind specific emotional needs? Again, she has to be willing though. And, this other guy .... gone.
lake Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I am very sorry. I know you must be feeling all kinds of feelings right now. Will she agree to break off contact with this man? I think it is very important that all contact be eliminated.
guitar71 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 you need to workout, exercise, become what you used to be - and find another girl. you need to change the game on her. right now it is about her and you and some other guy. it needs to become more about her seeing you move on and what her life will be like with you and another woman (or women). she has you on the ropes right now.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 He does not need to add yet another person, or persons, to the equation here. That will only confuse the situation, and HIM, more!
corwin Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 He does not need to add yet another person, or persons, to the equation here. That will only confuse the situation, and HIM, more! I agree. Adding another person into this will only complicate things even more than they already are. He needs to focus on his relationship and the fundamental breakdown that's occuring.
ThumbingMyWay Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I think you've just found the tip of the iceberg with this info regarding your spouse and her "friend". In typical wayward spouse fashion, she denied, denied, denied. Then you get a little bit of the truth. There will be many more lies to uncover before you actually start to see the truth. this is very true. I can speak from experience. It took 8 months before I finally got the WHOLE truth.....and it was FAR from what she told me in the beginning. I cant say this is true in you case.....but I have been around here and have read many stories.....and the norm seems to be. The cheater gives you a little bit at a time. They are scared and dont want to hurt you anymore....so they tell you a minimalist version....then over time with your pressing and thier conscience.....more will come out. Be prepared to be hurt more.....not scaring you, but if she is in love with him.....there is more to this affair than 2 kisses...... AND if it was only 2 kisses...BUT she says she loves him, then there is ALOT of emotional feelings that took place before the kisses.
guitar71 Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 yes things are getting complex - but this guy needs to get out of being the victim. a line has already been crossed - it is time to think about what moving on will be like and to get prepared for it. "i love you but i needed to kiss another guy"? when things smell like BS there is not a lot of need to tolerate it....... here is where the complexity goes away - when she no longer feels secure that you will always "be there for her" during all of her selfish, early cheating behaviors. she needs to realize that she has crossed a line, and that all of what she had with you may be over in the very near future unless she can explain to you how this will never happen again. if she can't, move on. being tough is the only way not to be screwed even more.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 yes things are getting complex - but this guy needs to get out of being the victim. a line has already been crossed - it is time to think about what moving on will be like and to get prepared for it. "i love you but i needed to kiss another guy"? when things smell like BS there is not a lot of need to tolerate it....... here is where the complexity goes away - when she no longer feels secure that you will always "be there for her" during all of her selfish, early cheating behaviors. she needs to realize that she has crossed a line, and that all of what she had with you may be over in the very near future unless she can explain to you how this will never happen again. if she can't, move on. being tough is the only way not to be screwed even more. Getting out of being the victim and letting your significant other know that you are not willing to accept their behavior is one thing ... getting on with your life by bringing in another person, or multiple people, is another. Being tough does not mean hurt the other person back and let them see what they will be losing either ... it just means not accepting their behavior ... while it seems hard, it really is that simple. He doesn’t need to sink to her level to do that and he shouldn’t be encouraged to do so.
Chump64 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 "I think you've just found the tip of the iceberg with this info regarding your spouse and her "friend". In typical wayward spouse fashion, she denied, denied, denied. Then you get a little bit of the truth. There will be many more lies to uncover before you actually start to see the truth." Listen to Corwin. Usually what you find out at first truly IS the tip of the iceberg. I told my husband this. He told me, “There is no iceberg.” I did my own investigating and caught him. The iceberg slammed into me full force: He had been in an EA / PA for 10 years. (We’ve been married for 18 and there are 3 kids involved.) Sadly, I am guessing your wife is already involved in a full blown emotional and physical affair. Don’t listen to people who give you black and white advice, either way, telling you to “stay” or to “leave.” This is something only you can figure out. That said, if your wife sits on the fence and refuses to choose you, or if she ever does this again, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. In my situation, we are trying to work things out. But this is a one-time offer on my part, with no guarantees that it will work. The only guarantee I make is that I simply will never look back, if he ever cheats again. BTW, let me know if you need some investigative tips. I doubt your wife is being honest and there is a good chance she is still screwing around. My best advice is go undercover, lay low, and pretend that things are ok / that you are not in turmoil. Gather the evidence you need until it's undeniable, then throw it in her face. Don't keep making accusations and asking questions, if you keep getting half truths and vague answers. Don't go there. I was in that mode for months until I pulled my head out of my rump and gathered what I needed to make the bust.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Don’t listen to people who give you black and white advice, either way, telling you to “stay” or to “leave.” This is something only you can figure out. That said, if your wife sits on the fence and refuses to choose you, or if she ever does this again, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. In my situation, we are trying to work things out. But this is a one-time offer on my part, with no guarantees that it will work. The only guarantee I make is that I simply will never look back, if he ever cheats again. I’m not specific either way, just saying that he needs to take his time to muddle through his emotions before he jumps either way, as you say it is only something he can figure out for himself. I agree that you will probably get more information as time goes on too. It took about 1 month for me to find out my H kissed OW. While I questioned, I think the only reason why he told me everything was because he realized that HE wanted to continue with OUR relationship and no other. While I could have questioned with no end and he could have answered any way he wanted to ... it is up to the other person if they are willing to do everything it takes to make amends and answer honestly. If he had lied to me about it at all, or if I would have been the one to find out on my own ... I’m not too sure I would have given him a break and kept the relationship going at that point in time when he wasn’t able to. I probably would have thrown in the towel, but he told me and he was truthful with everything. So ....like you Chump, this was a one-time offer only ... which my H is fully aware of. My thought is that generally, when you react because of the actions of another person, before thinking the consequences through, you act in haste and end up wondering if you did the right thing, or not. Which is why I advocate taking his time and figuring out what it is that HE wants. Which brings me to wonder about ConfusedHusband ... we haven't heard from him relative to how he is handling all this since his original post ...
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