Guest Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I really REALLY need everyone's help so please put in your two cents worth. I broke up with my b-friend of 4 years a while ago: this guy is much older than I am, but he's an established partner at a huge law firm, has his act together, takes super good care of me, loves me to pieces BUT he's a little on the boring side. However, he's handsome and does so well, I can take him anywhere and be proud of him. I broke up with him b/c it seemed like as the years passed, we didn't have that much to talk about - he loved hanging out with me, but it was me doing all the work in the conversations. Enter boyfriend #2: younger, around my age, we can talk on the phone for hours and hours, he's funny and keeps me entertained. BUT he never went to school - although he makes a decent salary and he's hardworking - and he's not attractive, although I am still attracted to him. I hate to say it, but I'm probably not that proud of taking him around to my colleagues and family. BUT he is practically my best friend: he loves shopping with me, working out with me, doing anything with me, and he could also take good care of me. Which one do I pick? they both want to get married, so as far as marriage goes, which one will be a better match? They both love me equally. BUT #1 I respect more, although he's boring; and #2, I like more but I probably don't respect him that much [although I could learn]. thoughts? Thanks so much in advance for your help!
allina Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Uhh if you have to ask you clearly aren't ready to get married.
Citizen Erased Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Which one do I pick? they both want to get married, so as far as marriage goes, which one will be a better match? They both love me equally. BUT #1 I respect more, although he's boring; and #2, I like more but I probably don't respect him that much [although I could learn]. thoughts? Thanks so much in advance for your help! They love you equally... which one do you love more? One is boring and the other has the potential to embarass you. Id have to say neither. You can't learn to respect someone, you either do or you dont. Either way, whichever one you chose I say you would be divorced in like 2 years anyway so save your energy for someone who is interesting and you respect. You dont have to marry one or the other. There are other options.
SoleMate Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Yup, the correct answer is...NEITHER. Not now, not when you are thinking in this way. BTW, why would you plan to get married and only talk about what THEY want? Wouldn't your own desires be a big factor in this decision? Think hard about what it would mean to be waking up next to either one of these guys for the next 60-70 years. The man you marry should be the man you CRAVE to have next to you. Not just the better of two mediocre candidates on the shelf at some random point in time. Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that either of these men is INHERENTLY medicore. They both obviously have some powerful strong points. However, you rate them as mediocre in your eyes, so that is what counts.
Walk Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Sounds more like you're buying a car. You aren't ready for marriage. 2 years, tops, and you'll be ready to divorce. I'd guarantee it. Reason is, you don't really love either of these guys. You love what they do for you, or how they make you feel, or what kind of status you get from them. You love yourself greatly. But love for another human being is pretty far removed from your vocabulary above.
Agent M Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Yes, I agree that it sounds like you shouldn't marry either. When you really love someone, you don't care what they do for work. Yes, it's great to be with someone who has achieved a lot academically, but you can learn to value any type of work (well, almost). And, when you really love someone you don't give a flying f what others think for the most part. I have had boyfriends from all walks of life, and I have valued each for their own unique special qualities, many qualities of which were hard earned.
MadDog Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Yeah, it's a bit ridiculous for you to be considering marriage to either of these guys considering you're worried about how other people will view them. That's like if I said, "Should I marry the hot slutty blonde or the classy but 'freak in the sheets' brunette--I'm thinking the blonde because more guys want her."
Guest Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 ok, i'm getting dogged for caring about what other people think, and I don't like it either, but the fact of the matter is that we don't exist in a vacuum - we live in society, and what our family and friends say DO matter to a certain extent, you want them to be proud of who you're with, etc. the question is to what degree you let that factor influence who you're with. the consensus seems to be both that i'm not ready for marriage and that i shouldn't go with either, i shouldn't have to settle. sorry if i sound like i love myself "greatly" & that I don't love them back; all I'm doing is giving you in a nutshell my dilemma, and by definition that's going to come out one-sided. Of course, though, I should think about whether I'm good for them, but isn't that their job, not mine?
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 but I'm probably not that proud of taking him around to my colleagues and family. BUT he is practically my best friend: he loves shopping with me, working out with me, doing anything with me, and he could also take good care of me. Atleast you're honest about it. Seems you're more into pleasing others and making sure you 'look and act' politically correct and be seen with the right crowd - or shall I say "good looking" crowd. But by doing that, you're putting yourself last and not standing up for who you want more - BECAUSE of how he 'may' look to others. That's just crazy!!! I think you need to be alone and figure it out before marriage is even a consideration.
eyeswideshut Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I've been in the exact situation. For two years. i broke up with my fiance and love of my life after 8 years (the 7 year itch, unexplainable) He too was absolutely wonderful. A lawyer, fun, very well-off family, i got along with them, etc.. But I got the fear of hesitation and put a stop to it. Then I met this perfectly wonderful younger man, who, unfortunately didn't have a great job, no university degree, and very live-by-the-moment philosophy. So I tried THAT out. I thought I was in love, until his irresponsability got on my nerves a year into the relationship, and although he was totally smitten by me, and there still was amazing chemistry, I broke it off with him because I couldn't admire him fully. So I kind of started hanging out with my ex and was like, wow, this guy really has it all, I think I'm in love, yet I didn't want to go back because there must have been a reason my inner voice was so strong that I had to let him go. THEN I met the perfect guy!!! with the perfect job, everything perfect, a great friend etc... (but he's married, see pathetic posts on the other woman board) So now, after all this time and experience, and lots of meditation (helps clarify the inner voice thing), I realize that none of them is the right one for me. THAT's it. I never would've believed it 2 years ago. I truly though 2 years ago that I had to chose between one or the other because I loved both. THen when my MM came along it just clarified that wow, true love can exist, you can really have it all (the chemistry , the love, the admiration, everything) in one man. (except make sure he's not married) If you have ANY doubts. It's not the right time nor are they the right people. I've been through hell and back to satisfy my curiosity about this one. Good luck dump em both.
Sassy Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Totally agree with all the other posters . You obviously aren't ready to make that commitment of marriage or you wouldn't be asking who to marry. If you aren't sure then maybe you should wait. When someone gets married shouldn't be no doubt what so ever. You just know .
BeyondTheOutside Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I'd say you're not ready to marry either (as a few people already mentioned), so deal with the question of which guy you love. Then you have to think about whether love means having the "whole package", as the 1st guy, with his money and looks, or having someone you care about, and want to be around (as much as he wants to be around you!ie. guy number 2). I suggest, IF you were to pursue things a bit more serious with either, I'd go with guy #2. Goodluck with things
Outcast Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 Society be damned. Truth is love trumps all that garbage. I completely agree that you don't actually love either of them. Wait until you find someone you love so much that others' opinions don't matter. It's your judgement that's important; when all the 'others' are dead or gone, there'll be just you and him - you want someone you love to be with.
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