boyfriend depressed?? self conscious??

[jessssss]

Let me start with a little background-my bf quit his job about 2.5 weeks ago because gas was costing more than he was making, i backed him for it, thought he shoudl hold off a little but still have been supporting him financially and emotionally. he now has had 2 interviews with a large company and will most likely be starting with them in 2 more weeks. I'm definitely happy for him, he really needs this. he's been struggling with jobs since i've met him...just can't find the right fit.

 

since he started getting unhappy with his job, about a month and a half ago he's changed. he went through a phase where he was sleeping every day when i got off work, just didn't care about anything-including teh house and our dogs. he just left it for me to do. i got very irritated after a week of thsi (i gave him a week thinking he was just blah as i prob would be too considering everything going on) well i finally just broke and told him how upset i was he didn't do anything while i worked all day and i had to come home to do it all. he got very defensive and we got into a huge fight. in the fight he threatened that "this isn't working out" - meaning he didn't think me and him were gonig to work. so i got very upset. it's like that's his out. he knows how much it hurts me for him to say he's "done" or he wants to leave and move out. it hurts so bad. so we worked through that.

 

we were fine for another week or so and he actually did stuff and we actually hung out. oh, i forgot to mention that in the past month and a half he's taken up playing some online game (i think it's called final fantasy) and he plays that game ALL day and ALL night if he's not just lounging around. that irritates me too because sometimes i feel like he chooses that game over me. he doesn't come ot bed with me at night and some nights it's like 4am unti he comes to bed. so that game has also caused a few minor tiffs.

 

well the past weekend he and i got into a huge fight. we were shopping for food for my parents to come and i made a smart ass remark and he got pissed at me...VERY mad...i just walked away to let him calm down. we get homea nd he's calmed down but right before we pull in something was sad and he gets mad again and says that he's leaving. so i call my parents and tell them to turn around and i was going to go there. then eh gets even more mad because i "made him look bad" and said that he was done with me and he was getting a truck and moving out. this goes on and on.

 

well lately also - the past month or so he's been very rude to me in front of people...only guy friends...the ones who have gfs he's totally sweet in front of. well he has gotten to the point where he will just tell me to shut up and say i'm being stupid and just really hurt my feelings and make me feel like an inch tall. i don't get it. why is he doing this to me but then leave me notes of how much he loves me and wants to get married in february and ugh i don't get it.

 

i know if people are self conscious they do stuff to make themselves look better...like he puts me down in front of his friends to take the "spotlight" off of him not having a job and being home and playign his damn game all day. but it hurts me and i'm scared it's not goign to sto;p after hegets a job, like it's already started and i should have put my foot down more...i'm just so confused...he loves me and tells me but yet he wont' go to bed with me, i can barely drag him away from the gaem, if i make a comment about how he's home all day he could atleast straighten up the house (which he actually did once last week) or how i wish he'd come spend time with me from the game (which he uses the excuse...well what are we gonig to do...we don't ahve any money) i just am so lost here. i know we love each other but i'm just pulling my hair out.

 

oh and since this has all started now i'm getting jealous about thigns and he's goign to CA for this new job in 2 weeks and i'm nervous he'll find someone better....i don't want to lose him...i thought i'td be better once he got a job but now i'm starting to wonder....

 

any thoughts/?? please??? i do'nt know waht to do...

[Walk]

Wow Jess. There's a lot going on in your relationship right now.

 

I read your post in my thread, and wanted to respond but hadn't quite gotten my head around my own problem at the time. I didn't mean to ignore you there.

 

Is he moving out of state for this new job? That would add an intense amount of stress to someone. I wasn't really clear on this though. Is he moving to CA? Like moving out, has an apartment there already, or a place to live?

 

I don't really know where to start. Your bf sounds like my exH. Almost to a T. I thought that if I were more understanding of what he was going through, and if I were more patient, things would change. If I were able to communicate better, or get him to understand me better, then he'd realize how much it bothered me he didn't help around the house. That I was paying all the bills and doing all the housework, and it was unfair. But the more I tried to talk, the more upset he'd get. I really wanted to ensure he had the time to find a job he would enjoy. I loved him and if he was stressed out about things, then I could understand. I might not like it, but I loved him and I wanted what was best for him. But I was too understanding, too forgiving with my ex, and he walked all over me for it. Taking more and more, until I was so resentful of him that I couldn't even stand the sight of him anymore.

 

I know you love this guy... and if only he'd be a little more attentive to what you need in life, then you think everything would be fine. He won't change. In fact, I'm really afraid that you're actually enabling him to do this to you more. When he has a job, does he help out around the house? Or are you still doing most, if not all of it? Has he shown any appreciation for the strain and effort you've been going through in order to allow him the time to find a better job? Is he showing any effort to make your life easier while he has this time off? When he does have a job, has he made an effort to repay you for his previous time off? Either with extra effort close to what you put in, or by repaying the extra cost to you. How much effort has he put into this relationship?

 

He will have had a month off by the time he starts this new job. A MONTH. Whens the last time you had a month off, paid for by someone else, and had maid service provided? Has he even offered to give you the same in return? Offered to let you take as much time off from your job as you'd like and he'll pay for everything, clean up after you, take care of you? He's acting like its your fault he has to take a month off work. Like you decided he shouldn't have a job. Like you're the one who's making impossible demands on him. And it's all because he knows he's screwing you over. And yes, he might be feeling guilty for this, and that's why he's so testy over everything, but obviously he's not feeling guilty enough about it for him to change his behavior and start pulling his fair share around the house.

 

There's a difference between being depressed and stressed, and taking advantage of someone. I might get angry at my bf for seeming to take me for granted sometimes, but he goes out of his way to show me how much I mean to him in other ways. What does your bf do for you? Honestly? Other than words, what does he actually do for you? Without any benefit to himself? He has a month off, you should be able to list several things he's done to show his appreciation to you for helping him during this time.

 

You're going above and beyond in helping this guy. You have every right to be angry at him. I really think you need to evaluate how much you are getting from this relationship. Take the whole relationship into account. And if you can see other areas where this has occured, or showed beginnings of occuring, then you need to lay some firm guidliness down. This is one thing I really wish I had done with my ex. I let him use me, I allowed his behavior.

[jessssss]

thanks walk and i know you had a lot going on.

 

well as far as before he quit his job he did help out around the house, we had "spring cleaning" weekends and we had fun with it...i would come home and he would have made dinner and cleaned the whole house. since quitting his job he has made me a nice dinner, he has cleaned the house a couple times and he has left me little appreciative notes for me to get in teh morning. yesterday he knew that i had been getting more and more angry about the whole house thing so i came home and it smelled good, there were no dirty dishes, the living room was clean...he took the garbage...so maybe things are turning around and i'm dwelling on teh bad stuff???

 

as far as me paying for everything and being his maid...to an extent i feel that way but he did just get his last pay check and he bought me supper and has done little thigns like that.

 

oh and one morning he brought me breakfast to work...i never get breakfast and he knows how much i love hashbrowns...so i guess he has been a good bf and maybe it's me overreacting. i just sometimes feel alone...and if i do talk to him about it he thinks i'm accusing and hate him...then it gets into a fight because everythign comes out at one time from both of us and he must feel like he has to hurt me so he says h'es moving out...tries to break up wtih me...we've had 3 major fights like this...last one i got to teh point that if he says he's leaving then i'm going to just say bye...see then what he does...last time i did say okay, dowhat you want to do...he stayed...so if it ever happens again and he says that to me, i'm saying bye...see what happens then...

 

i'm sorry this is so jumbled but i'm all in a frenzy, one minute i think it's all my fault and the next i think ti's his then the next it's combined and then teh next...he has been helping but i've been overlooking...focusing on the bad instead of the good...

[Walk]

i just sometimes feel alone...and if i do talk to him about it he thinks i'm accusing and hate him...then it gets into a fight because everythign comes out at one time from both of us and he must feel like he has to hurt me so he says h'es moving out...tries to break up wtih me...we've had 3 major fights like this...last one i got to teh point that if he says he's leaving then i'm going to just say bye...see then what he does...last time i did say okay, dowhat you want to do...he stayed...so if it ever happens again and he says that to me, i'm saying bye...see what happens then...

 

Alright.. I think I understand better what your saying. Basically, it sounds like mostly you're frustrated by the fact that when you attempt to communicate with him, he stops listening? Which makes you feel unappreciated. Like he's sending mixed signals? He brings you hashbrowns in the morning, but can't seem to bother listening to you without discounting what you're feeling that evening? Does this sound about right to you?

 

And if he negates what you are feeling in words, it negated the small action he did early. If you don't have both, then it creates dischord. It dimishes the meaning behind the action.

 

Am I even close in any of this? Do you think this is what is bothering you so much right now?

[jessssss]

oh my! i think you totally hit it on the head....oh my gosh...that's so it...he thinks i'm attacking him when i do come out with my feelings and then he thinks that the breakfast meant nothing and then i think the breakfast meant nothing because he couldn't talk to me...well you know what i mean!

so now what do i do?? i just feel like i need to calm down and notice the things he does more than not do and him as well...it's gone on long enough and i don't wnat it to go onfor another 3 weeks or longer!

[Walk]

I was trying to think of ways that the two of you could communicate on this better. Not sure how you could though...

 

What's you're biggest complaint with him right now? If you had to narrow the past few weeks down, what is the biggest irritant that is causing you the most grief? Like... the fact that he doesn't seem to be making time for you after you get home from work? Or the house cleaning, dog care, etc.? Or coming to bed with you at night?

 

If I had to hazard a guess, I think you're mostly upset by the fact that you'd like him to focus his attention on you for at least an hour or two during the day. Either after you get home from work, or when going to bed, or some portion of the day. And I think what he's hearing you say is that you want constant attention, because you bring up after work, at bed time, during the day. So he's hearing "Oh my god, she wants every moment of the day". When really what you're attempting to say is that you'd like a quality hour during the day with him. You want his attention focused on you for a single hour (or two) sometime during the 24 hours he has off. I don't think you'd be asking for too much. But you might have to ask differently.

 

Do you think this sounds about right? Is that what you would consider the biggest thing that's making you feel unhappy right now? That's making you feel unappreciated? I don't really think its the housework, or money, you're upset by because when someone feels appreciated they will go above and beyond without a second thought. It's when we start to feel unappreciated for who we are, that we resent having to do the other stuff. Which could partly be why half the time you feel like you're going overboard on your complaints and half the time feel justified. Possibly you normally don't care about the housework and stuff, and its really only an issue when you feel he isn't appreciating you as a person (by taking a couple hours to listen and interact with you)?

[jessssss]

yep, you're right. i need attention taht is focused on me atleast an hour or so....i think i deserve that. if i got that i am sure i wouldn't mind the housework or dog help or anything, i used to not care at all cause i was just so hapy with himi and him being happy with me...that's it...now i need to talk to him and get him to understand without thinking i'm attacking...everything you said is right. thank you so much...

[Walk]

Glad I could help some.

 

I know I sometimes have to just break down each element of a problem until I can get to the most important part. Makes it seem more manageable, and solveable.

 

I was thinking too... it might help if you ask your bf to do specifically what would help you the most. You know you're bf best, so whatever you feel would work the best then go with that. But I know that sometimes my bf doesn't always understand where I'm coming from, even if I explain it, but he's more then willing to help with it if I have a clear solution. So if you'd like more one on one time during the day, then give him a clear cut plan on how to do that. Instead of leaving it up to him on how to do it, when he still may be unsure of what specificially you may need or want from him.

 

Ie: Explain how you view the problem, and then offer a solution like "It would really make me feel special if you would spend an hour with me after work, so that I can talk about my day or what's on my mind, and then you can go right back to what you were doing before." Then ask for his input, and how he feels about it.

 

Then he knows specifically what he has to do, which is devote his attention to you and listen to you talk, and he is reassured that you're only asking for a specific amount of time. That it isn't all day, but x amount of time. You get what you need to feel special, and hopefully he'll feel like he's a contributing part of the relationship, but isn't turned into your all day lackey.

 

Just make sure that it's enough time for you to feel satisfied with it, and you're not cutting yourself too short. If you need more then an hour then ask for two hours or however much time you need, otherwise you'll still feel unfulfilled and if you ask for more he'll feel deceived because you're breaking the bargain you originally came up with.

 

Its just a suggestion though. You've been with your bf long enough to have a good idea on how to approach this, so use what you think would work best. Let me know how it works out. I really hope this cuts through some of the problems the two of you have been having. Living with that kind of emotional stress for too long can really wear you down. Its not fun.

 

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you, and wishing for the best.

[jessssss]

thanks again walk...i'll post tomorrow and give an update...you really helped me today...thank you so much! just when i thought i was going to have to give up..you helped it all make sense!

[jessssss]

well i have an update. last night i approached my bf about everything and at first it went well and then i guess he thought i was attacking him. we had a fight and he got very mad at me and ended up telling me how he was feeling like a failure-he has no money, no job, no drive to do anything and the game makes him happy so he plays it. he said that since i've been coming home and bitching about everything - he said that i am pushing him away and that's why he's turning more and more to the game-as his escape. he did make a valid point-atleast he's not going out and is never home. that was so true. but i told him i thought he was being very lazy and hated that i felt like i was doing all the work around the house and how i am being pushed away because it feels like he's choosing the game over me.

 

one thing i wanted to ask was - when the talk heated into an argument, he used the whole "you're making me mad and i'm giong to move my stuff out" comment. he, i feel like, uses him leaving and moving out as a threat to me! i don't know what to do about that. he says it cause it hurts me and i told him taht last night. i told him he can't keep doing that to me. it's just his automatic defense because he knows that will get to me and have me apologizing and giving in but i didn't this time. i'm just scared he's going to keep using that line...what do i do about that/ tell him okay and ifthat's what he wants then do it? i'm almost to that point. this was the 3rd time he's saidthat. but last week we were talking about getting married in february. ugh.

 

we did a lot of talking after the yelling but i think we needed that. i told him also how i was needing an hour a day just to be with him-no tv, like we used to do--working outside or walking our dogs or anything. he then couldn't figure out why and i am not sure if he ever did. he asked at some point what are we going to do...and i said i didn't know, he said what would help and i told him...to have my old bf back...i think we are better now, now have to see if he holds up to what he said. we hugged and went to bed together snuggling (which hasn't happened in FOREVER) so all in all it is good. i can't expect instant gratification on repairing what was wrong in the relationship and that is going to be hard for me.

 

i also said that i need litle notes that don't cost a dime just to ahve when i get up in the morn, i need hugs nad kisses and just my bf back. i hope it gets better. i miss him.

[Walk]

It sounds like the two of you got some things out in the open at least. (This is long.. sorry.)

 

You were saying about your bf threatening breaking up. I know when my bf says it, a large portion of the reason is simply because he's so frustrated with the situation and doesn't have a solution on how to fix it. And to a lessor extent manipulation and wanting to wound me because he feels hurt.

 

It would probably be better to acknowledge it without reacting, and try to realign his thinking to work with you instead of against. I've heard the "we should break up" line more in two years then I ever had my entire life. It used to really hurt me. Now I just say "If that is what you really want." and then continue the conversation. I don't even ask him to say it isn't what he wants cause I know he's just saying it because he's frustrated, angry and hurting too. And if he really wants that, then he has that option.

 

You didn't really call him lazy, did you? Ouch.

 

I'm kind of concerned that you're going to be really upset and dissappointed in the outcome of this. You mentioned that he said he didn't know what to do during that "hour" a day with you. Not sure if part of that might be because he is depressed, so nothing really hold much interest for him right now. Even the things he used to like to do. And what does he really have to talk about? Final Fantasy? He's at home all day, so he doens't have his mind working and interacting with other people and new information... so he's probably going to sit there like a bump on a log when you want to have your quality time. And if you're able to give some leeway, and put some effort into helping him out, it could turn out good for the both of you. As long as he is showing he's trying and doesn't leave you holding the bag on this one too.

 

Just try to keep in mind that he's depressed and stressed out, and usually everything becomes a chore when you feel like that. Even the things people used to love doing. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, only that for a while he might not be as... enthusiastic as you would probably like for him to be. Try to comprimise if you can find a way.

 

I'm gonna tell you what I would do if I were in your situation.. not saying it'll work or not for you. The first day, I'd grab him and take him into the bedroom. Do what ever you want to him, and let him know how great he is, sexy, whatever. Then ask for your quality time.

 

Second day just ask for the quality time.

 

Third day, rip his clothes off, then go out and have fun with him.

 

Fourth day... either or.

 

He gets to feel like he's desired and loved, and like a man. You get your quality time. Brings the two of you closer. It lets him know you still want to meet his needs, and he'll be more willing to meet yours. Hopefully a win/win situation.

 

This is what I'd try, but it's just a suggestion. I'm kind of assuming the sex has dropped out of your relationship lately because of the distance the two of you are feeling.

 

Most women don't understand it, but sex is vitally important to a mans self-esteem and mentality. The quickest way for me to turn my man into a cuddley ball of affection and devotion is to make sure he's sexually satisfied. I don't understand it, but it works.

 

I wish some other people would post on here if they have other ideas, thoughts or suggestions for you.

[jessssss]

walk, that sounds like a plan i am going to try...you are correct in the sex has dropped off...prob once in hte past 3 weeks. i have noticed that when we do he is in such a better mood and can be "clingy" rather than distant.

 

i didn't call him lazy, i just let him know i felt like he didn't do enough...ddn't really say lazy...but it's the truth.

 

i've also realized that he doesn't want to do things he used to love...he loved working in the yard and on our grass and making it perfect...now he barely looks at it and will water it maybe once a week when he was diong that like 4 times a week! so i see what your'e saying as far as disappointment. he doesn't want to do anything that we used to...i'm going to give it a shot-maybe we could walk our dogs or something together and atleast get him out of the house.

 

today he is at his mom's helpnig her do stuff and getting some money...that'll help his mood but also make him want to go home and play the game since he has been there since 8am...i can deal with taht though-that's a little more understandable to me-since he's used to playing it so much and not at all today, prob will need some catch up.

 

and the we should break up line is getting old...3 major times and i've just said do you realy want that and such. i never get an answer though. one fight we had - right when he started changing - he said he was done and he even called and told his mom in front of me...then within 30 mins was calmed down and didn't leave...he knows it's a good defense against me because i hate that so much - he must feel like it gives him an upper hand or something. it just makes it worse and then if i feed on it at all then he drags it out and makes me more upset and i'm making him more upset. it's like he likes to see that i love him and want him to stay so he says it just to hear it. i feel like i tell him enough.

 

one more weird thing, we went to bed together last night, i will, as i'm falling asleep start to mumble...well i must have done it last night and i remember waking up to him asking me if i was going to leave him....i played like i was still sleeping and said no...for him to ask me that, while i'm sleeping made me think that he won't leave. does this make sense? he has told me before he can ask me stuff and i'll just start rattling off answers while i'm sleeping. for some reason i woke up last night when he asked that...anyways just thought i'd share.

 

thanks walk...and anyone else who has any tips or answers is more than welcome!

[Walk]

That last paragraph you had... To me, it sounds as if he's scared you're going to leave him. Especially if he feels like you're upset at him, he's feeling like less then a "catch" for you, and combine it with all the arguing lately. His threats are probably his way of pre-emptively suggesting what he fears you're going to do. Gives him a small feeling of having some power and control over the situation, and if he really fears you are going to dump him, then it salvages a portion of his ego. This way you'd be forced to proclaim your willingness to continue the relationship, which would reassure him that you aren't about to dump him.

 

It's kind of a childish thing to do.. maybe you could ask him about it while the two of you are calm and rational. Just ask him how he feels about it, and what he's really thinking. Without bringing up that it hurt you. Just to bring it to light and understand what he's thinking a little better.

 

You can PM me if you ever want to vent, or anything. Especially if you don't think it quite merits a thread, but you want to get it off your chest.

[jessssss]

thanks again walk, i think you have a point about him asking me if i was going to leave him....maybe he is putting up this huge guard so he doesn't have to worry about me doing it. i'm trying to reassure him in ways that he knows i am not going anywhere...i've even told him but you know i have to keep my guard up because he does keep using the "i'm leaving" thing to get to me.

we had a great night last night, i think the talk/tiff/whatever you watn to call it that we had 2 days ago helped. i feel so much more less tense and he seems to as well.

i actually went home and about 5 mins after i was home we were in the bedroom and FINALLY had great sex!! then we had dinner together and worked outside for a while. it was wonderful. i could tell he wasn't worried about the game and wasn't putting up a front either.

this weekend we are spending it together - most of it - and i think that since this "revelation" that we have had with each other and in ourselves, i'm due for a great weekend and he is too.

thanks for everything walk, i tried to pm you but it says i'm restricted?? you have helped me so much, i hope your relationship is going well. sometimes it's a lot easier to talk to a stranger about things like this than your friends because obviously they are more biased. thanks again!

[Walk]

That's awesome!!!! I hope your weekend goes great.

 

I hear you about the friends. Any time I go off about my bf, the first thing they say is he isn't good enough for me and I should leave him. When all I'd wanted to do was vent about it for a bit. Sometimes on these boards people can cut through the anger and help you see the other side of the situation. But friends have a tendency to only see your side, and join in on the anger.

 

I wonder if you don't have enough posts yet to pm? Either that, or my pm box was full the other day, but I've cleared it out now. Usually I get an email saying so and so is trying to pm me, but I didn't get one saying you were.

 

Take care. And I hope all goes great for you this weekend!

[jessssss]

i may not have enough posts yet.

thanks again, you have no idea! someone that could relate and yet not be biased. friends would have taken my side and that would have made it worse. you helped me see the real problem instead of wallowing and focusing on all the bad and to see how to work things out. thank you.