eyeswideshut Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Well, the routine kicked in again, and my MM phoned me tonight. i was even prepared, I said to myself, I will not answer. But then I thought, oh yes I will, and i will tell him exactly what I was practice-writing in yesterday's email! Anyway. If anyone heard our conversation, I mean even if his wife heard, it wasn't all passionate like all you people on this board. It was like talking to my brother. (he is after all, his best friend, and they share the same lingo, three years difference in the city is a whole new vocabulary) So as I was talking, it was like: OKay, I'm okay with this. I mean I hardly have any more lustful feelings left. It's really as though we're just friends. (I'm actually feeling a bit angry at him because I felt a bit as though he was trying to pull me in, but I wasn't buying in, I just laughed in his face) He tried this on me: Do you miss me? and I said: why do you need to know that? and he said: I am expressing my emotions. Where do you think I am going to do, push them away? I miss you, and I'm telling you! Do you miss me? and I said: I'm a light switch, basically. and I've turned myself off. and he said: no you are not a light switch!!!! and then I said: You have to suppress all your emotions then, because you have to. It doesn't matter anymore whether I miss you or not. and he said: well, it would crush me if you didn't. It would put a hole in my heart. when you miss someone, it's always good to know they miss you back. and then he goes on and on, and guess what??? Even though I haven't heard it all before, (from him) I've seen it here!!! on LS!!! So I wasn't even affected by it, I was actually feeling like the older sister who rolls her eyes at her younger brother because he can't grow up. Then I thought to myself, I could do my own NC, without telling him. just live my life, and totally forget about him. His therapist told him that he was making progress and that he was understanding his issues. It was interesting to hear him go on about that. (gives me more MO) but yeah, if I was really totally into him (crying and all), this conversation and what he told me would have totally made him look like a jerk. It's sad. Because I am slipping away, but as a revenge mechanism, I'm not even telling him one bit. Is this bad? This is how I dealt with my Ex-fiance though. I just turned myself off more and more until one day I just walked away when I was strong enough and then he had no idea what was coming. I'm a woman of few words in that area. s***. I know it's bad. But that's how I deal. I gather all the info, I make them crawl, I pretend I'm fine, and then one day POOF. I'm a switch. Am I in denial? should I just let him have it? I didn't feel sorry for myself after the conversation I felt that I would have felt used if I felt more, but instead I was left indifferent. Poor guy. He was all high.
Walking away Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Once I make the decision to end a relationship, it is over. In my mind and in my heart. I am like you. And, sadly, for the men in my past, they realized that I never look back. You are like me. My mind snaps out of the fog and then I see everything clearly. And, at that moment, I move on....for good. And I never look back. It is hard to explain. You probably understand it. The feelings just....disappear. Weird, but that is what happens with me. And when I get to that point of no return....I become incredibly apathetic towards the relationship. I just don't care about it anymore. I understand what you are saying. Your relationship with your MM is over, isn't it?
StoneyHeart Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Even though I haven't heard it all before, (from him) I've seen it here!!! on LS!!! So I wasn't even affected by it, I was actually feeling like the older sister who rolls her eyes at her younger brother because he can't grow up. It's sad. Because I am slipping away, but as a revenge mechanism, I'm not even telling him one bit. Is this bad? This is how I dealt with my Ex-fiance though. I just turned myself off more and more until one day I just walked away when I was strong enough and then he had no idea what was coming. I'm a woman of few words in that area. s***. I know it's bad. But that's how I deal. I gather all the info, I make them crawl, I pretend I'm fine, and then one day POOF. I'm a switch. Am I in denial? should I just let him have it? I didn't feel sorry for myself after the conversation I felt that I would have felt used if I felt more, but instead I was left indifferent. CONGRATS ON FEELING LIKE THE GROWN UP!! You may be in denial, but not tonight to if you can turn off and stay turned off, I am so proud of you! I think letting him have it will stir up the emotions and thus do you no good, which is the one in the scenario we care about. I was accused by my ex-husband of being a light switch and he was dumbfounded (it lasted all of 9 months before I turned off), but I have never heard anyone else admit that they do this too. I don't know if it's right (doesn't feel right), but maybe you can turn off when the feelings you have weren't real to begin with (for example, i married him for logical reasons in the emotional aftermath of something else) so turning off was probably more of admitting the truth that was there all along. And with MM, the feelings are there, but have never been able to be a light switch to him (even if I have tried to pretend to him I am on several no contact attempts out of pure will- which never lasts very long). Not sure if this answers anything but I really relate to all you said and really hope that you are really "off" for him once and for all!!
Walking away Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I think that whole concept of the lightswitch is a good analogy. I don't think necessarly that the feelings weren't there....but, at least I, come to a point that my mind takes over and tells my heart that it has had enough. And, then the switch gets turned. The feelings were real, I believe, but the relationship was unhealthy and I think the mind wants to rebalance itself to a healthy emotional environment. I don't know. It is hard to explain. All I know is that when I leave a relationship, I grieve it...usually WITHIN the relationship, and then I let go. And, when that moment of truly letting go comes, I never go back.
scarletletter Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I think whatever works for you is okay. I think anyone would agree that you owe him nothing. He is hanging on for whatever reason and it sounds like he is fishing for compliments...wants you to say how much you miss him. He probably expected you to fall to pieces at the sound of his voice. I'm sure it was disappointing to him. Way to go...I say..keep it up if it is working.
Jessie61 Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 It's sad. Because I am slipping away, but as a revenge mechanism, I'm not even telling him one bit. Is this bad? This is how I dealt with my Ex-fiance though. I just turned myself off more and more until one day I just walked away when I was strong enough and then he had no idea what was coming. I'm a woman of few words in that area. s***. I know it's bad. But that's how I deal. I gather all the info, I make them crawl, I pretend I'm fine, and then one day POOF. I'm a switch. Am I in denial? should I just let him have it? I didn't feel sorry for myself after the conversation I felt that I would have felt used if I felt more, but instead I was left indifferent. Poor guy. He was all high. EWS, I, for one, think this is great news!!! OK, I do realise that there is probably a bit to go.... I mean, if you can feel yourself switching off, then go with the flow! Don't worry too much about HIM, he has a W, a therapist and his friends (including your brother!) to support him. In any event, he probably knows your modus operandi already...? "Poor guy" who was on a high??? Yes, perhaps, but let HIM worry about that!!! Now back to you. I think it is great if you are thinking along these lines, and I think you should concentrate on you. But I do think that he will contact you again, but don't be too quick to offer him your friendship for a while anyway... Why? Because I would be worried that you might have a relapse in the way you feel (felt??) about him...? I know that I at one stage looked at photos of my MM (during NC) and I felt literally nothing, I could remember nothing about him, but then when yet another NC was broken.... BUT I do realise that you are not me, and that we are different!!! Anyway, there is a momentum there now for you to get on with things, nuture that momentum and let's see what happens??? :bunny:
zarathustra Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 EWS, right now, its about you...not him... YOU. YOU do what YOU need to in order to move on. Congrats. I hope this feeling sticks.
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