rossm Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Well, after several days of not hearing from xOW, I get an e-mail message today. It was basically a "Hi, how's it going, thinking of you, blah blah blah" message. I've seen a bunch of those lately, and generally just ignore them. But the biggest surprise was that she also said that she was "starting to falter in her commitment to stay with her H". "And by the way, how's it going working on your marriage?" (As a flashback, we started an EA both swearing we would stay with spouses. It turned to a PA. She said that she wanted to work on her M and couldn't do a PA anymore, but wanted to continue the EA. I told her no, that I wanted to work on M, and suggested NC. She didn't take it very well and has continued to try contacting me.) Ladies, can you provide an interpretation?
Walking away Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I will try. She misses you and wants to have you in her life. I don't know enough about the depth of your relationship, but she sees now that she is losing you. And, she is getting desperate. How do YOU feel? I know you said that you loved your wife and wanted to work on the marriage, but with this new development, has it made you falter in any way?
m242 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I will try. She misses you and wants to have you in her life. I don't know enough about the depth of your relationship, but she sees now that she is losing you. And, she is getting desperate. How do YOU feel? I know you said that you loved your wife and wanted to work on the marriage, but with this new development, has it made you falter in any way? Yup, right on the money with this one. Of course she misses you. She is not getting that emotional support from home. I really dont think it would be on the same level anyway. The OM brings a different feeling to the table then the H does. I cant explain it. Anyway, she obviously wants to jump back into something, or she never would have contacted you, bottom line. If you really dont want to get back into this, you HAVE to set her straight. Tell her NO means NO. Change your IM, email, all that for YOUR sanity. It will deliver a message to her that is crystal clear.
Author rossm Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 And, she is getting desperate. How do YOU feel? I know you said that you loved your wife and wanted to work on the marriage, but with this new development, has it made you falter in any way? When I suggested NC, she basically threw a huge fit. Really lashed out. Said a lot of nasty things to me. She showed me a side to her I had not seen before; a very mean, inconsiderate, and impatient side. And frankly, it was not attractive at all. While I was uncertain before, it made me realize that trying NC really was the best thing. But those feelings of how things were.... they don't just disappear so easily. I do think about xOW a lot. Probably not as much as I once did. But I don't want to falter in my mission. I truly want to see if I can repair my R with W. I was just interested to see if anyone had insight into the xOW's actions.
movinon05 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Didn't she send you a bunch of nasty messages last week? Sounds to me like she's trying to get you to respond by using a different angle. Don't take the bait!
Author rossm Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 all that for YOUR sanity. I'm doing OK with the sanity. At least I think I have a rational brain in here somewhere. And if worse comes to worse, there is a state mental hospital nearby.
movinon05 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Okay, we posted at the same time earlier. Its normal to have some feelings come back, especially when the other person is quiet and sounding normal. But you've now seen a nasty side to her. Do you really want to put up with that? It didn't work last time and now she is trying to goad you into discussion by telling you she doesn't want to work on her marriage. She changed her mind a few time before, right? You can allow yourself to think of the good times, but don't linger on those things. Let them pass through your mind and then think about the nasty side. Most of all, you were doing so well not responding. NC is definitely the best thing for you. After all, you ARE trying to work on your marriage, right? Responding will just set you back, until she changes her mind again, and then gets mad at you again and changes her mind, yada yada. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Give the emotions time to pass.
m2m4 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 When I suggested NC, she basically threw a huge fit. Really lashed out. Said a lot of nasty things to me. She showed me a side to her I had not seen before; a very mean, inconsiderate, and impatient side. And frankly, it was not attractive at all. I am in no way way condoning her actions, but hurt and rejection can make people act certain ways that they may never of thought they would act. Just dont go thinking she is psycho, unless she is doing drivebys, emailing, or calling 100 times a day. Then she can earn that title! I do however, want to say kuddos for wanting to make your marriage work, and starting the NC. It shows that you really do value your marriage, and accept the facts of the affair. Good luck to you!
zarathustra Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 When I suggested NC, she basically threw a huge fit. Really lashed out. Said a lot of nasty things to me. She showed me a side to her I had not seen before; a very mean, inconsiderate, and impatient side. And frankly, it was not attractive at all. While I was uncertain before, it made me realize that trying NC really was the best thing. But those feelings of how things were.... they don't just disappear so easily. I do think about xOW a lot. Probably not as much as I once did. But I don't want to falter in my mission. I truly want to see if I can repair my R with W. I was just interested to see if anyone had insight into the xOW's actions. I think that its desperation talking from her end. I think given what we've talked about over PM in the past, that you have too much at stake to risk any consideration outside of NC. I'm not a very patient woman either and I think if my xMM wanted to do me and my marriage any favours (along with his own marriage), he would maintain NC with me. But out of all the available doors to my floor, he always chooses the one that passes my desk (its not a shorter way to get to his destination). He says stuff to me to get a reaction, etc. He doesn't want to resume what we had and neither do it, but I think he wants to keep tabs on me (control). I'm glad to hear about where you are focused. You have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck with your wife.
Jessie61 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Ross, I suspect like other people before me that she knows that she is losing you and she wants to keep you in her life. Just be careful, MM/MW will say anything to keep the OW/OM hanging in there.... If you want to focus on your M, then ignore everything she does and says. Entering into any form of "discussion" will only generate more "discussion".
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