horsekiss Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I have been in a relationship for 8 years with the most amazing guy-we are like a bee to honey-we are crazy about each other-in every way-we share so much in common-everything! the romance amongst other things:eek: is fabulous.i am 30 he is 35. i have been with him all along his schooling struggles and he has now made it to were he wants to be/ the problem is this-i want to be with im always i want to marry him he DOESNT i keep thinking =or kept thinking i could change that-i kept ignoring his clues and kept thinking he will think diferently in time. when i would ask him-do you want to get married he would say-" i am not saying i dont" always keeping his answers safe and open ... he loves his independence, he loves his friends and going out-he many times exluded me from events -but i just think oh well let him have his time with his buddies. i think its good we all need that-i never hovered over him always always gave him so much space everytime i bring up marriage-and i do it very discretely he freaks-there has been so many occasiions were we have broken up-and he literally disappears-like houdini-and reappears after weeks saying he misses me. so we get back and things are great until i begin to show unhappiness again i have even asked him why we cant get engaged-we have been together for 8 years! HE responded with " i will think about it" 1year went by so i brought up marriage again-he said 'it will happen soon' that was 4 years ago! and still nothing he is so loving-and caring-we talk 2wice daily on the phone and email each other at work-constantly -he brings me flowers and always is into me we live 2 hrs apart and he comes to see me during the week -and we spend every weekend together i love this guy -but he doesnt seem to be wanting to commit to me/ the last year and a half the marriage thing has really been an issue with me-i just dont get it-if he loves me why wont he marry me???? i have brought it up several times crying to him and he dismisses me-and wont talk! he wont call for days! dealing with me like i am some child! the last 3 months we have been looking at our finances and looking at many houses-wanting to buy-i was getting so happy becuase i am thinking its getting closer-i couldnt be happier well we went to see an open house-everything was fine-then out ofthe blue he started picking on me saying i was grumpy and wasnt chatting he made me feel so awful- i started crying he drove me home-and as i left the car he said-i was having an emotional meltdown! very angrily -its been 2 MONTHS-NO CONTACT ITS KILLING ME-he is the man of my dreams the love of my life why is he doing this??? out of the blue-he disappears no contact -no calls no emails nothing why is he being so harsh!!!!!??? what have i done any males out there please give me some advice-i have done everything in my power not to call him-this happend with him about 6 times in the 8 years we have been together-and i always wasthe one to make contact-and we would get back together-this time i am so hurt-i thought we were moving towards marriage-and me blindsided me! HELP- NEED ADVICE HOW COULD HE PULL THIS?
dgiirl Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 everytime i bring up marriage-and i do it very discretely he freaks-there has been so many occasiions were we have broken up-and he literally disappears-like houdini-and reappears after weeks saying he misses me. so we get back and things are great until i begin to show unhappiness again ... i have brought it up several times crying to him and he dismisses me-and wont talk! he wont call for days! dealing with me like i am some child! This is the man of your dreams? So loving and caring? DOESNT i keep thinking =or kept thinking i could change that-i kept ignoring his clues and kept thinking he will think diferently in time. when i would ask him-do you want to get married he would say-" i am not saying i dont" always keeping his answers safe and open ... This is him blindsighting you with not wanting to get married? Girl, get a grip. You have to deal with reality, and the reality is, he isnt the one you want him to be. You've got him on such a high pedestal, saying he's loving and caring, and yet he treats you like a child and ignores you for months? That's not loving and caring, that's selfish and controlling. And as for blindsighting you, he's been honest with you for the last 8 years. You're the one who was being dishonest by hoping he'll change. If in 8 years he hasnt proposed, he never will! And you dont WANT to be married to a man who will do this. Things will only get worse with marriage and in 2 or 3 years, you'll be divorced. It seems like you might be desperate to get married, perhaps it's your childhood fairytale, but it's not AT ALL like the fairytale! Especially if the guy is running away before there's even a marriage. If you really WANT to be happily married, you need to dump this guy and move on. Like Ophra said the other day "If a man leaves you, you say "hallelujah"! You didnt want him anyways."
BeHappy Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]My ex and I been together for 10 years and he hadn’t proposed. I was waiting patently and not say anything about it. After our 10 year, I had enough of this. I feel so miserable and frustrated. All I do is cry. In my mind, I thought it is my fault that we are not getting engage or marry. I tried to make him happy. Enough is enough. Let him go and if he wants you back, insist that you want a ring or set a date for marriage. If it is mean’t to be, he will always be yours. Marriage has to come from his heart. Why should we, girls, beg for it? We deserve better. [/FONT][/COLOR]
Walking away Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 He is a commitment-phobic. I have been around a few of them myself. There is nothing you can do to change him. You must change how you react to him. Do not contact him or pressure him in any way. He will just run the other way. There are some really good books about commitment phobic men. I suggest you buy one and read it. It will help you understand what makes him tick.
willduggan Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 im kind of going through this myself so maybe i can give some input. i love my girlfriend we're both 21. we're not yet living on our own and i think that would be a great idea before getting married. but she brings it up a LOT, she knows i want to marry her. (my opinion on psycho babble stuff) thinking about it it feels like from her telling me over and over again its making it less appealing and less of something i want to do, i want it to be something i wanna do not something i have to do on her timescale (il propose when i have money and we're more financially comfortable darnit!) she goes as far as saying shes gonna just go buy a ring and propose to me instead(she doesnt have the money for that idea). i guess since you wait for year long periods that its different but to the other ladies reading this, guys are thinking about it! we dont just suddenly forget who we're with and have no plans for the future. have a little faith! its gonna get asked eventually.
eyeswideshut Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 oooh, be careful about this one. My MM told me his story and it sounds just like this one. He was dating this amazing girl for the longest time, and after about 5 years she started talking marriage. He said he didn't want to because he didn't believe in marriage. Then she gave him an ultimatum. And he said: well, after the year was over, it was either I marry her, or she's gone. And he figured, since everyone was doing it, it wouldn't change his life much. So he went along but said it was the scariest day of his life. Now he's cheated on her with me. And said that two weeks into the marriage he knew he had to listen to his inner voice. He was a true romantic, always hoping for "the one" but figured if he hadn't found her yet, he might as well just get married because his wife was a great person, and he didn't want to break up. Well now he tells me he's found the one, (me, yeah right) and now he's regretting his marriage. Guys won't spell it out for you because they don't know how, and do not want to hurt you. (especially if you cry, they can't wathc a woman cry, it affects them so much, they even pretend it makes them mad) but if a guy is NOT SURE about marriage, it's because he's NOT SURE about the relationship. POINT. I'm a commitment phobe too. And when I met my commitment phobe MM, it clicked soooo much. He said he would love to marry me. And I didn't even hesitate (as I usually run for the hills if a guy mentions this) I was ecstatic and said I would marry you in a minute and he was sooo happy. It's corny as hell, but when two commitment phobe people admit to this, it's like a breakthrough for them in their own development. Good luck. You gotta really try to dump him..... Better do it sooner than have an entire lifetime of pain and not enough love.
candywor Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Not to be harsh or anything just hitting you with reality? Isn't that what every married man says??? Believe it when he gets divorced, which he would have done if he was serious and don't believe him when he says its complicated. Married Men stayed married because it allows them to have their cake and eat it too. Don't get roped into his excuses. How can he get married to you if he's already married?
Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 I have been in a relationship for 8 years with the most amazing guy-we are like a bee to honey-we are crazy about each other-in every way-we share so much in common-everything! the romance amongst other things:eek: is fabulous.i am 30 he is 35. i have been with him all along his schooling struggles and he has now made it to were he wants to be/ the problem is this-i want to be with im always i want to marry him he DOESNT i keep thinking =or kept thinking i could change that-i kept ignoring his clues and kept thinking he will think diferently in time. when i would ask him-do you want to get married he would say-" i am not saying i dont" always keeping his answers safe and open ... he loves his independence, he loves his friends and going out-he many times exluded me from events -but i just think oh well let him have his time with his buddies. i think its good we all need that-i never hovered over him always always gave him so much space everytime i bring up marriage-and i do it very discretely he freaks-there has been so many occasiions were we have broken up-and he literally disappears-like houdini-and reappears after weeks saying he misses me. so we get back and things are great until i begin to show unhappiness again i have even asked him why we cant get engaged-we have been together for 8 years! HE responded with " i will think about it" 1year went by so i brought up marriage again-he said 'it will happen soon' that was 4 years ago! and still nothing he is so loving-and caring-we talk 2wice daily on the phone and email each other at work-constantly -he brings me flowers and always is into me we live 2 hrs apart and he comes to see me during the week -and we spend every weekend together i love this guy -but he doesnt seem to be wanting to commit to me/ the last year and a half the marriage thing has really been an issue with me-i just dont get it-if he loves me why wont he marry me???? i have brought it up several times crying to him and he dismisses me-and wont talk! he wont call for days! dealing with me like i am some child! the last 3 months we have been looking at our finances and looking at many houses-wanting to buy-i was getting so happy becuase i am thinking its getting closer-i couldnt be happier well we went to see an open house-everything was fine-then out ofthe blue he started picking on me saying i was grumpy and wasnt chatting he made me feel so awful- i started crying he drove me home-and as i left the car he said-i was having an emotional meltdown! very angrily -its been 2 MONTHS-NO CONTACT ITS KILLING ME-he is the man of my dreams the love of my life why is he doing this??? out of the blue-he disappears no contact -no calls no emails nothing why is he being so harsh!!!!!??? what have i done any males out there please give me some advice-i have done everything in my power not to call him-this happend with him about 6 times in the 8 years we have been together-and i always wasthe one to make contact-and we would get back together-this time i am so hurt-i thought we were moving towards marriage-and me blindsided me! HELP- NEED ADVICE HOW COULD HE PULL THIS? if this guy love you like he says and them run with his tail between his legs, after the words marrige and kids are said in the same breath.you better start opeining those eyes REAL while......Nothing going to change, if he going if he going out w/friends and not taking you at least sometime.(RED FLAG) Stop making excuses for him.you have not talk to him in months thank him and MOVE ON!. If he realy care about you he would have call,stop being a door mate. i know right now it hurt to here this but you what 6 months from now your going to read this and think what the hell was Ithinkng...it willl happen.If you go back he will kept blindsideing you!!!! you will be the one who crying while he out with buddy. there are men out there who will want kids ect...let say you get him and there you are sitting the house and w/kids and he off still doing the same thing she doing now. Do you really want that?. I hope you make the right choice....
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