usedanabused Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 A while back I posted that I was involved with a married woman whose h treated her poorly and she attached herself to me and we had a realtionship that lasted approximately 1.5 years . one evening after an argument and spouse find out she is gone just disappears never to be heard from again . In previous post she calls out of the blue and ,akes chit chat you Hi how are you etc. Then the IM's come in once per week or so while I am at work you know Hi how are you stuff. Then after some serious coaxing she gets me to agree to meet her . I guess I am foolish still love her . Anyhow the sex starts again and she tells me she loved me and thats why she came back after being MIA for 10 months and picks up right where she left off . Last Night she tells me on the phone I love her more then she loves me and says she does not want her marrriage to end and wants to just have her cake and eat it too . Wants me to be the cake on call for her . she has really hurt me because I do love this woman . Now keep in mind I have a wife who has been with me thru thick and thin even D day 10 months ago . She would do anything for me . We had some problems thats why I got caught up in this in the first place . What to do ? I know what i should do . This is so confusing because unfortunately we are so so much alike it nots funny ... we are sexuallly compatible as I have never had more satidfying sex in my life but I know there is more to life then sex . I think I am addicted to this woman and do not know how to break the addiction . She is going to break my heart if she has not started already . Everything is always about her feelings and mine do not seem to count . I feel like I am being used . When she calls or meets me she talks about us and future then turns around and tells me this . I do not care about being flamed but I need some real straight forward advice on how to deal with this . Keep in mind noone kknows we have seen each other again . Please give me some direction on how to deal with this . Thank you patiently waiting for your replies .
stillafool Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Last Night she tells me on the phone I love her more then she loves me and says she does not want her marrriage to end and wants to just have her cake and eat it too It seems to me the choice is easy. She wants to sleep with you and her h and wants you to accept it. She enjoys sex with you and please don't think she is not having sex with her H also. She is. You have to decide whether you want to stay in this unhealthy relationship with a woman who only thinks of her own needs or move on and find someone else for you. She has clearly made you aware of what she wants ut ask yourself what do you want and where do you want to be emotionally in 6 months. I know the sex is good and there's something about sneaking around getting it that makes it even better. We all seem to be more attracted to the emotionally unavailable and unreliable. I say let this woman go before her H finds out and comes looking for you. I take it you are now divorced so start a fresh life. She's just trying to keep you on the back burner for herself. How selfish. think I am addicted to this woman and do not know how to break the addiction . She is going to break my heart if she has not started already . Everything is always about her feelings and mine do not seem to count . I think you are addicted to the sex not the woman. I've been there with a man and it's one of the hardest relationships to end because you think no one else is ever going to make you feel that way again. I found with my guy the intensity of the sex brought a lot of fire, drama, pain, longing, insecurity as well as pleasure. No I have not found that type of sex again but I have found good sex with a giving, loving partner which now made me feel calm, secure, loved, fulfilled, stability as well as pleasure. You have to let her go. She is toxic. There's no future here. There are a lot of wonderful single women out there. Make a fresh start. How old are you two by the way?
Blind Illusion Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I don't really have any advice...just an appreciation for some of the feelings you are going through because I have some closely related ones myself.
Blind Illusion Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I know the sex is good and there's something about sneaking around getting it that makes it even better. People always say that but I never could quite see it. If anything, it detracted from things. For me, anyhow.
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 You are lucky to have a wife who forgave you, supported you, loved you enough to give you a second chance. This should be enough to keep you on the straight and narrow, but sadly, I don't think so seeing as you're addicted emotionally and sexually to the OW (who, btw, is 'just' using you now for sex, and has no intention of ending her marriage, ever) and addicted to what the affair brings out in you, all those feelings and hiding it all. The drama of it. So, once again, your wife is on the backburner - And when she finds out, (only a matter of time before she recognizes the signs of the affair starting up again) be prepared for the conquences of your actions. You may not get a second chance at your marriage, so as long as you know that you're going to lose your wife and you know what you're giving up to screw this OW, who has no intention of ending her marriage and only wants you for sex... IS it worth it??? Get therapy to help you deal with this, how to get over the OW and the affair. If you don't, you can kiss your marriage and wife goodbye. Oh, any kids? If so, I am sorry most of all for them.
RealityCheck Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 UAAbused.... I can only speak from my personal experience, but I would have to say that much of my attraction was the great sex! I really know this to be true and the whole "teenage" feeling of sneeking around brings me back to a place and time of excitement! That was the addiction part for me! Personally, it really was not worth the sacrifice in denying myself all of what I deserve! I truly want my equal on every level. It is really easy to find great sex! Heck! that's easier to find than a solid relationship! So please pardon the expression and don't take this personally because I certainly had to ask myself this hard question.... I guess you need to decide what you are prepared to compromise..... Your self worth or your dick? Good Luck!
zarathustra Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 So please pardon the expression and don't take this personally because I certainly had to ask myself this hard question.... I guess you need to decide what you are prepared to compromise..... Your self worth or your dick? Good Luck! RC, you kill me! I'm on the floor!! UAA, I'm not laughing because this is a funny situation, but RC is completely right. If you cave to this woman, you can throw your self worth and self esteem out the window. I also gather from reading other posts in this thread that you are married and has a wife who has forgiven you of your transgression with this OW. I am a MW myself and have moved back with my H. My H knew of my xMM (massive focus on the x) and while I have never felt a connection like the one I had with my xMM, I know that my H is the one who truly loves me and would stand by me thick and thin. I love him too. I love his integrity and his commitment to me. I love that he is willing to focus on the things that I pointed out as flaws in our relationship and I love that I can see what he is willing to do to make changes. There are still things that bother me... don't get me wrong. I think that he shouldn't be too dismissive about my issues with the MIL and he needs to recognize the things that she says that bothers me when she says it. But she's his mother so if he can turn a blind eye to the situation... Anyway, sorry for going on a tangent... but my point is, maybe you should focus on what are the good things about your marriage, stand firm as to who deserves your loyalty and fix what needs fixin' in your M. Its not easy... I know its not, but you wouldn't be doing you or your wife any favours by being OW's cake. Good luck.
Author usedanabused Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 I kind of knew what you guys were going to say before I posted thats why I posted because this is exactly what I need to hear . I guess maybe I do probably have self esteem issues . I never thought of myself that way . But I am starting to think this woman knows how to push my buttons and get me to do what she wants . I am 44 and she is 39. My wife is a very wonderful person and would never cheat on me . We had some issues in our 23 years togethor but always got thru them . It was mainly when kids came along she focused all of her attention there and none on me . I went with this up until this woman walked into my life and saw this and became what I was looking for . I thought it was over and done with and then after 10 mionths comes walking back into my life . She actually made the commetn I was easy to win back over . I know you guys are right I should try my hardest to get away from her before I am the one who is going to end up all alone not to mention the fact of breaking other peoples hearts . I know no good can come from this I really do . Just do not know how to stop doing this . I always thought of myself as a smart guy with a lot going for him now look I am addicted to another woman .
RealityCheck Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 UAA.... You know I just had to respond to your comments made on the part of being ignored after the babies were born. Do you have any idea what a woman actually goes through from the time of conception until a child is born? It is not only hard on a woman physically, it also is a harmonal adjustment that could last years. After my first born, though I got my body back, (probably from the demands of the baby), I suffered terribly on a harmonal level. It took me 5 years to actually come back to myself! I was so burnt out, Brad Pitt could have offered me anything and everything and I could have cared less! My H's lack of feeding my emotional needs made it worse! Men seem to take this so personally. All a woman wants is to be understood with all of the WILLING sacrifices she makes for a MUTUALLY planned family! Random acts of kindness goes a verrrry long way! Having said this, if you feel your wife is kind hearted, and I do believe you admitted to that! You do owe your Wife and marriage an effort! According to what you have presented here about the OW, her actions are just as "Selfish" as a Man who is clueless to what a woman goes through prior, during and after child birth! Put your thinking cap on! Not the rubber party hat!
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I do believe you love your wife very much and the other woman IS an addiction for you, and fulfilling needs that your wife can't meet - Not because she can't, but because this other woman brings out an intense feeling in you, lust and major sexual attraction. The fact you're aware of it too, is good! You know what is what, and now you have to try your best to stay strong - Fight those urges and tell her (the OW) that it's over and never to call/email/or try to see you again. Make her understand that you love your wife and have no intention of ruining your marriage, or hurting your wife. Can I ask? Are you planning on telling your wife that you and the OW were in contact again? Or are you just going to try to focus your energy into the marriage and forget what recently happened...
Author usedanabused Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 I think at this point I need to concentrate on trying to get free of my addiction for this woman it is tough because what I think is love everyone is telling me is not and it probably isnt but will not realize this until I am free of her pull on me . I also think it probably would be better for me to concentrate on being a good husband and Father and to make sure i never ever allow myself to be swayed that direction again . Telling my wife I was in contact again surely would destroy my household and think at this time I just keep a lid on it and try to learn from all of this . I will post any new developnments I know I cannot do this without some good support and advice but also know what it is I should do please wish me luck .
m2m4 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 USED- I am a MW involved in an affair with an OM. I can see things from your lovers poin of view, to an extent. I would never tell my lover that I want my cake and eat it too, because in my case, thats not what its about. I think that in her case, maybe that was a defensive wall she is putting up. I, personally, do not want my OM to tell me he has deep feelings or love for me. Its not that I dont care, its just too hard to deal with if those feelings were brought to light. Because you and your lover have all ready said the L word, it puts the reelationship at a different level. If all she wanted was sex, she never would have said she loved you. When my H treats me like a piece of crap, I tend to go to my OM for support, because he does not treat me that way, as I can tell you would not treat your lover that way. It is an addiction to the MW too, and if she was not addicted, she would not contact you. If it were all about sex, she would find someone else to fill your shoes. Now, I am not sticking up for her, or myself because it is wrong, I know that. But, do understand that she has to have some sort of feelings for you if you are married, and she talks about the future with you. I have not, and would not do that with my lover, but I do feel deeply for him, as he does me. When you add great sex ontop of that, the addiction becomes stronger. Maybe I am rambeling on, but this is my point of view on it. Everyone is different, so his may not apply to your situation, but it very well could.
scarletletter Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Are you sure she is not a man? She sure sounds like one!!! No offense, just an observation. Not every man...but most behave like you say she is.
Author usedanabused Posted May 17, 2006 Author Posted May 17, 2006 Yes she can be very very unpredictable . Case in point she sends me this card last week telling me I am everything to her and how someday we will be togethor and this was Thursday and Monday does a complete 180 on me and it really messes with my mind . I am so so stupid for dealing with this crap . I think I put up with it because of the marathon sex . We would get a room and in the course of four hours do it about 7-8 times all different ways and it is mind blowing never had anything like that in my life. I think that is why I am addicted to her . She claims her H is just a minute man . My w is totally into quickies with no participation on her part and after 23 years of that I am thinking that is why I strayed in the first place . who knows . I am thinking this is not a healthy relationship for me and somehow I need to figure out how to break free of her . Now when she sees I am upset and hurt over her mood swings she will come on stronger then ever and in 2 weeks be right back to telling me I am only cake . Plays with my heartstings I think . just do not know how to walk away and stay away . I do not want to be mean and hurtful but am getting hurt myself as one other person here wrote " This is toxic for me " How do I walk away gracefully?
movinon05 Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Its not a matter of walking away "gracefully". Its a matter of walking away period. Everyone is different with different personalities. Just walk in your own way.
stillafool Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Case in point she sends me this card last week telling me I am everything to her and how someday we will be togethor and this was Thursday and Monday does a complete 180 on me and it really messes with my mind . The first thing you need to do to get over her is to STOP ALL CONTACT!!! Block her emails, change your cell phone number, and anything else you have that allows her to reach you. Stop worrying about her 180 degree turn-a-rounds. You have to do everything in your power to resist her. Tell her flat out you don't want to do this anymore and are going to work on uplifting your marriage because you love your wife and family. This lady is getting off by playing you like a puppet. She has all the power. You are absolutely right that if you keep on going like this with her you are going to end up losing it all.
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