Kizzmitten Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I would appreciate some input and/or opinions on this. I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and it's been a wonderful relationship throughout. He's kind, considerate, loving and thoughtful. He's also very tactile, affectionate, understanding and giving. We spend quite a lot of time together, usually initiated by him, he calls me every day and also text messages me and e.mails. Now, over the last 2 - 3 months he hasn't wanted to have sex with me at all. He will not initiate it and if i try, he does not respond. However, his affection towards me has not changed at all. He has wanted to spend a lot more time with me in these last few months, he stays at my house for days and days at a time, and all he wants to do is kiss me, hold me tight and cuddle me. Although he's never directly talked about a permanent future with me, recently i've noticed he has been dropping little silly things into conversations that suggest it - he jokingly calls me "wife", he says "when you're my wife blah blah blah", and he makes comments about my (rented) house like "when we own this place". He's also mentioned a number of times about liking the area i live in and moving over here (he lives 30 miles from me) On the weekend we spoke about some things, i told him that i loved him (something he has never said to me) and he said (quote) "I'm conscious that you might want to hear me say it too but i have great difficulty in saying those words, however, it doesn't mean i'm not feeling it". He went on to explain that he was having difficulties with sex at the moment because of the emotional investment it needed for him to perform (he's not one of those jump 'em & dump 'em guys and he has always worried about pleasing me in bed) but that he did still find me attractive. He told me that i shouldn't worry about "us", that he didn't want anyone else, and that over the last few weeks he'd come to realise just how much i meant to him. He has recently booked some therapy sessions, and although he didn't divulge to me the full extent of why, he did explain that it was because of issues dating back 10 years, things he has never talked about to anyone before, and part of which was his inability to verbally express his feelings. Does all this suggest a man who is afraid of commitment? Or something else? What does it suggest about how he really feels about me?
candamar Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 It sounds to me like he might have gotten badly hurt in the past. It also sounds as if he has fallen deeply in love with you just when he didn't expect to. He could feel overwhelmed and frightened by these unexpected feelings he's developed for you and is scared of getting hurt again if he lets go emotionally. Sex in a long term relationship is a way of expressing emotions and feelings for each other so it could also be connected to his fear of getting hurt. Therapy should help and it's good that he's recognised he's got a problem. It shows his love and devotion to you that he wants to make your relationship work.
ronnieromance Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 It sounds to me like he loves you, but may be, for whatever his reasons, uncomfortable or unsure of where this is heading. I have gone through similar feelings in the past and not been able to articulate them. I felt that I was selfish etc. What I was feeling was that I wanted to be with other women. Not in a cheating scenario, but I wasn't ready for "forever" . In addition, I had a very hard time getting to the bottom of my feelings because I societal mores stress monogamy, and getting into serious relationships and marriage at a young age. The idea that a woman, not married at 30 with 2.5 kids already, is undesireable is a perfect example. Ridiculous for sure, but commonly accepted. I digress...I had conventional ideals to weigh against my feelings. Now, you may consider this commitmentphobia, but I prefer to see it as accepting your feelings for someone without expecting "forever". If forever happens, great, but life supercedes a lot of things. -R-
Author Kizzmitten Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 Thanks for your input - Just to correct though - neither of us is particularly young, we are both in our mid 30's. He has one reasonably long term relationship under his belt, plus a few shorter relationships, and i have one 18 year marriage under mine. Neither of us has children.
Skeered Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I think he loves and cares for you very much but he wants to get himself in order before he says the words that mean so much...so many times we take for granted how precious those three words can be and how hurtful if not said with honest intentions..this sounds like the beginnings of a solid relationship and one that you can bank on if you can stand strong and just wait for him to get the help he feels he needs. Don't be intrusive on his time just be supportive and caring. Best of luck to you...
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