length of relationships

May 16, 2006

Oh wow I didn't realize you were such a puppy Riddler. That's a compliment btw. Not the fact that you are, the fact I didn't think so
.

Quite a few people on LS thought that i was older, based on my posts. I do take that as a compliment. Thank you everyone. I guess that it shows that I sound mature to many of you. You guys rock.

25 here in a month and a half, but I still get carded anywhere that i go. i think that it has to do with the fact that i never smoked.

May 16, 2006

25 here in a month and a half, but I still get carded anywhere that i go. i think that it has to do with the fact that i never smoked.

I'm 37 and I smoke off and on and I still get carded.... Even to buy a pack of smokes... Go figure...

Do you think they just wanna know my address??

May 16, 2006

I'm 37 and I smoke off and on and I still get carded.... Even to buy a pack of smokes... Go figure...

Do you think they just wanna know my address??

scratch my theory then.

Back to the old drawing board.

If they just want to know your address, I'd be worried about a potential stalker.

May 17, 2006

I really agree with that. Please don't bash me for being stereotypical, but it does seem like in certain parts of the country, it is normal to be married and have children by 25, I can't imagine that!

I completely agree too. I'm from New England and have sooo many friends that aren't in relationships. It's completely normal to be single (we're 23). However, when my sis went to live in the South for a while when she was 23 everyone was asking why she wasn't married...she had a hard time making friends bc everyone had families with children. She said it was like a different world.

May 17, 2006

I'm 25 and had a 6 year relationship. I think that length at my age is abnormal and not entirely a good thing. Though I don't regret the time I spent, I also missed out on a lot of experiences. I think 1-2 years is good for this age.

I'm just curious how you arrived at your idea of what's a "good" length of time ?

Also, just how do you date someone for 1-2 years and then have it end without feeling like you are having your heart ripped out ? Is the trick not to get that close to them ? I don't know, I've never been able to do that. If I date someone more than 3 months or so I start getting really attached. If I don't, I usually break up with them before then.

Is it just me, or does this whole idea of planning/thinking/worrying about how long you will date someone just seem really cynical ?

May 17, 2006

You would like for me to be as bitter about woman as you wouldn't you?

I'm not bitter...I'm realistic, after yrs of good and bad experiences.

I have been fortunate enough to discover my faith and be able to learn from my past mistakes,

your "past" is not that long ago, young man

I will continue to have a positive and idealistic outlook on life. I will not be surprised by anything that life will throw at me, so your opinion about me goes in one ear and out the other.

everyone who's 24 says the same thing RIDDLER...that they know everything and life will be grand, blah blah blah. Its the large ego of youth that is talking. Naivite and inexperience rule when you are 24.

Trust me, you will learn you lesson(s) just like everyone else and you'll be singing a bit different tune in 15 years

May 17, 2006

My first LTR, I was 20. Dated him for about 5 years, married to him for 4 before divorcing. Total length of 9 years.

I think LTR can be good and bad at a young age. It can help a person emotionally develop faster. You have to learn how to comprimise, take someone elses wellfare into consideration at all times, and work together in the tough times. But it also can hinder someone too. Especially when younger, there's a lot we don't know about ourselves yet, and sometimes we give up something we want in order to ensure the relationship stays stable. Like moving to a new state, or quitting your job to try out a new career... things you may have done if single, but don't because of the additional responsibility of someone else in your life. When you're young you always think you can do it later... that there's time. But really by delaying it, you're passing up the opportunity. It affects your development as an individual, and could hinder who you turn out to be.

I guess it depends on whether the person is capable of the mental maturity to understand what they are giving up when they get into a long term relationship. And how it could affect them later. And do they have the understanding of themselves to know if the benefits they get from the relationship are worth what they had to give up to be in that relationship.

I don't think most younger people understand themselves enough to make that determination.

May 17, 2006

Walk, I just don't see how any of this is different when you are older. I have had to confront each of those issues in my adult relationships too ... possibly moving to another state, the impact this will have on my career, giving up things to stay in the relationship. People don't stop developing suddenly when they hit a certain age, and it's not too late to do those things later. I hope not anyway ... there is still plenty of stuff I'd like to do.

Relationships sometimes involve sacrifices. I have to decide whether to stay with someone and move to Chicago, or keep my job and stay where I'm at. Not to mention the issue of friends and family. A decision like this is tough no matter how old you are.

I just don't see how people can pre-judge and make decisions about the value and worth of their relationships before the situation arises. I don't see how you can do that at any age.

On the practical level, what exactly do you do when the 1 or 2 years is up ? Tell your SO that the relationship has run out of time ?

May 17, 2006

My issue with LTRs at a young age is that you're with one person. You learn about and grow with one person. You learn how to please one person. A lot of my growth has come from the women I have been with.

I'm modereately seasoned, not a mna whore like some people and not a high school sweatheart marrier either. I've noticed that the less people women in my life have been involved with, the more thay have that happy-Hollywood-ending syndrome.

Sex was much better with those that had been around the block a couple times, too.

-R-

May 17, 2006

I'm not arguing against experience.

I guess I believe just enough in some of the more cheeseball romantic notions like true love to not allow myself to think of people simply in terms of how they are helping me to grow, or how they are contributing to my life "experiences".

I still like to believe there is a little magic left in the world. Odd that I'm talking about cynism in another thread. Predicting the length of your relationship seems cynical to me.

I'm not against STR's or gaining experience. I'm just against making the decision a priori.

May 17, 2006

I am gonna have to agree with Walk here... there is undoubtedly a certain element of sacrifice in a LTR, especially at a young age. My ex and I went through a long-distance relationship in addition to many problems that arose here and there. I regret nothing about it as it taught me invaluable lessons that I would have rather acquired now than later when the potential for marriage and other factors make separation MUCH more difficult down the road. I figure you may as well learn the lessons early on in life so you aren't flailing later when you don't know how to deal with certian aspects of relationships.

You definitely need to understand what you give up when you enter a LTR, but also keep in mind what you gain. Sometimes, at a young age (and even down the road -- it is not certain), we do not fully understand what we gain and lose, and perhaps we may not understand until years after the fact when the effects become more real to us. However it is hard to deny there is a certain level of prominent maturity and emotional understanding in couples who have had LTR's at an early age. They know how to deal with much more since they are more knowledgeable. Some of my friends' parents, who had nothing but short relationships until their eventual LTR marriage, fight/get confused over the simplest of issues because such things are new to them. Now, would you agree that the marriage would be stronger if they had learned these lessons beforehand? Furthermore, what would they have had to give up in order to learn these lessons? Is it eventually worth it?

In short I feel an early LTR can be very rewarding for you if you are able to find someone... but on the other hand, people may argue that when you are young, you are better off playing the field since people aren't ready for LTR's yet. This is an example of something I won't know the answer to for sure perhaps until years later. There are pros and cons to both short and long term relationships, both early and late in life. While it may be unclear which option is the objectively best path to take, it is important to realize there are huge gains and losses involved and you should try your best to figure out what it is you want in life and what the net benefit is of your decisions.

May 17, 2006

I'm not arguing against experience.

I guess I believe just enough in some of the more cheeseball romantic notions like true love to not allow myself to think of people simply in terms of how they are helping me to grow, or how they are contributing to my life "experiences".

I still like to believe there is a little magic left in the world. Odd that I'm talking about cynism in another thread. Predicting the length of your relationship seems cynical to me.

I'm not against STR's or gaining experience. I'm just against making the decision a priori.

I used to beleive in the romance novel idea of true love also. But I realized that true love and/or love that is meant to be doesn't mean it's meant to be forever. Some people may be very much meant to be a part of your life...sometimes only to be completely out of synch with you. WE don't only grow from possitive experiences or negative experiences. We need both for balance. BTW, there is tons of magic in us and in the world...But rarely is it as simple or easy to find and understand as in the movies.

If you are truly in touch with the spiritual, mystical side of the universe, you will see that change is the only constant that the universe offers. Nothing is meant to be forever, and change isn't a bad thing. Even when it means you grow apart from someone. Be happy you're growing.

-R-

May 17, 2006

I'm not bitter...I'm realistic, after yrs of good and bad experiences.

I always thought you were a very bitter insecure man who hid befind this online facade. Sorry.

May 17, 2006

I'm 24. I've had:

3 yr mostly long distance relationship (military related)

6 month relationship, albeit with someone I never saw myself with long term

Current boyfriend has been around for 3.5 months.

All the other have just been "dating" experiences, ranging from 1 day to four months.

May 17, 2006

I had a 7 year relationship from 24 to 31. I definitely missed out on a lot of stuff.

May 17, 2006

Nothing is meant to be forever, and change isn't a bad thing. Even when it means you grow apart from someone. Be happy you're growing.

I don't disagree with that. There is a difference between naturally growing apart from someone, and having preconceived notions about what is *supposed* to happen in a relationship, or how long it is supposed to last. Or when you're supposed to get married, or have kids, or graduate from college.

I don't think life is something you can plan or map out.

I bring no preconceptions or expectations to a new relationship. I'm open for anything.

And I do believe it's possible to meet someone and grow with them throughout your life, and for it to be a very happy and rewarding experience. The key is to grow together. I'm not saying it's for everyone, nor am I saying it's the "ideal". I'm just saying it's possible. I've always sort of liked the idea.

May 17, 2006

I really agree with that. Please don't bash me for being stereotypical, but it does seem like in certain parts of the country, it is normal to be married and have children by 25, I can't imagine that!

I can't either. I can't even imagine having married any of the people I dated before 26. I've never had a LTR and I'm 28. I dated someone in high school for a few years but we almost never saw each other so I don't even count it.

May 17, 2006

I had a 7 year relationship from 24 to 31. I definitely missed out on a lot of stuff.

That's really sad that you feel like your relationship deprived you instead of enriching you.

Be thankful you figured this out after only 7 years.

I too dated a girl for 7 years, and they were 7 wonderful years. Some of the most wonderful years of my life.

May 17, 2006

Okay, you've convinced me ... in my next relationship I'm setting a year and a half time limit. That's right, I'm promptly breaking up with them on our 18 month anniversary.

Geez people !

I've never met a more unromantic bunch of people in my life.

May 17, 2006

In my early 20's I lived with a girl for 4 years.. I was engaged to her but it didn't make it..

Late 20's I lived with a girl for a year.. then engaged to another for 6 months.

Got married when I was 32/33 and that lasted 5 years.

Had a 1 year relationship after marriage and 1 for 6 months..

Of course the average relationship for me only lasted 3 months thru out my 20's and 30's the one monthers were common..

In my 40's the most common relationship never makes it 2 weeks.. one made it almost 6 months.. but she was a bitch so it doesn't count

May 17, 2006

Okay, you've convinced me ... in my next relationship I'm setting a year and a half time limit. That's right, I'm promptly breaking up with them on our 18 month anniversary.

Geez people !

I've never met a more unromantic bunch of people in my life.

umm, what are you talking about? Nobody said anything about planning how long you will be with someone.

May 17, 2006

I've never met a more unromantic bunch of people in my life.

Romance doesn't get you a LTR.. unless the relationship is all in your head

May 17, 2006

I don't disagree with that. There is a difference between naturally growing apart from someone, and having preconceived notions about what is *supposed* to happen in a relationship, or how long it is supposed to last. Or when you're supposed to get married, or have kids, or graduate from college.

I don't think life is something you can plan or map out.

I'm sorry if that's what you got out of what I wrote; That I think things can be planned out. I don't. That's the point I'm trying to make. I just feel that people in their 20s are not mature and don't really know themselves well enough to dedicate their life to someone. If you can, that's great, but you're an exception if that's the case.

And I do believe it's possible to meet someone and grow with them throughout your life, and for it to be a very happy and rewarding experience. The key is to grow together. I'm not saying it's for everyone, nor am I saying it's the "ideal". I'm just saying it's possible. I've always sort of liked the idea.

I do too. Like I said in my first post, I have the utmost respect for that, but it's a rarity and I think if you look for it you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and, let's face it, society teaches us to look for that.

-R-

May 17, 2006

I'm not bitter...I'm realistic, after yrs of good and bad experiences.

your "past" is not that long ago, young man

everyone who's 24 says the same thing RIDDLER...that they know everything and life will be grand, blah blah blah. Its the large ego of youth that is talking. Naivite and inexperience rule when you are 24.

Trust me, you will learn you lesson(s) just like everyone else and you'll be singing a bit different tune in 15 years

Sorry Alpha, you are bitter toward woman. Woman are no where near as bad as you talk about them on here.

I am still young but I have used every moment possible of my past to learn and to mature in everyway that I possibly can.

I know that there are no guarantees in life, but this is an exception. I GUARANTEE that I will never have a bitter attitude toward woman or toward life. I understand how life is and that is why I do not let anything about it bother me.

May 17, 2006

I don't believe in luck. It takes a hell of a lot of hard work to really make a relationship successful. It's like everything in life. If you fail the test because you half assed the studying, was it just bad luck that you failed? There are things that may be bigger then you can over come, in which case you'll always have that sense that although you didn't succeed, you put your absolute best into it. And there are other things that you may think you want, but really didn't want badly enough to work hard enough for.

If we succeed in a relationship, we say it's because of hard work and really putting effort into making it work.

If we fail at a relationship, we say it's bad luck. Wasn't meant to be. Assign some higher power's will to it. (as if something like that would give a damn if one person out of 6 billion had a fight with an SO.)

You do your best, try your hardest, then success or failure is up to you. When that little voice in the back of your head says maybe you didn't try hard enough, then don't say its bad luck and wasn't meant to be.

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