Vertex Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 You, Sir, can never leave these boards. You're too valuable in your assesments. You were right in everything you've said. We sat down today and discussed it. And he said everything you just said. The anger stemmed from the insecurity based upon my actions. Which spawned off into other issues. Same as Tanbark said. I f***ed up. I feel like crap for doing that to him. For hurting him like that. I cried reading F2BM's post. I really feel like an ass. It wasn't my intention, but although he knows that, he's still left doubting my sincerity in being comitted to this relationship. Like I'm only here for the now. I have a hard time talking to him about it, because I feel like... like I sound like a cliche romance movie. "Oh, I love you so much. I want you in my life forever... blah blah". I've always just tried to show it, and sometimes I guess I don't do a very good job of it. Thank you (all the thoughtful replies were incredibly helpful) for opening my eyes to all the possibilities and reasons. LOL I appreciate the compliment. I am glad you two were able to discuss things. I hope he does not take the comments to your brother too seriously though and remain insecure about your intentions, especially since yours were actually very justified and respectable, but perhaps could have been executed differently. If he is insecure, and you do love him, perhaps it would be good to make an extra effort to let him know you mean business... perhaps reassurance through actions, however you best see that. I remember once my girlfriend had randomly said in conversation once, "When we get married I want to visit Hawaii" or something... it really made my day and made me secure. Not saying you have to do that, but at least something that shows you are looking into a future with him.
Fun2BMe Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I will throw back to you some of the good advice you and others have given me such as "don't be too hard on yourself." I think the biggest step to resolving such a problem is to recognize where it stems from. Sometimes it is hard to see and you need others to point it out just like was the case with my problem you are helping me see. You are in the process of realizing what has upset your bf. That is a powerful tool to help you work things out. Now you can resolve this issue. I can tell he really loves you and feels insecure about how you feel based on your actions. Be patient with him and if you put yourself in his shoes it might help to better communicate based on how he will take things and interpret them. That is cute how sensitive he is and how into you is and I was moved that he cried. He sounds amazing.
Vertex Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Yeah I agree... both of you sound kinda cute in a way... like you had good intentions and so did he. And you are both very sensitive to each other... in my opinion it is a good sign Don't be hard on yourself and let good things happen!
Author Walk Posted May 17, 2006 Author Posted May 17, 2006 I remember once my girlfriend had randomly said in conversation once, "When we get married I want to visit Hawaii" or something... it really made my day and made me secure. Not saying you have to do that, but at least something that shows you are looking into a future with him. I guess I'm under the belief that marriage scares men. Scares me. I assume it'd scare men even more. You have any ideas on how to nudge him into feeling more secure. Little somethings. If I do anything big and drastic right now I think he'll see it as fake. Over compensating. But I do want to let him know how he feels is important to me. Any ideas?
jerbear Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 At one point marriage did scare me. Now it does not really scare me as much. I've gotten to a point that if I fear it, it would hold me back. I took the view to conquer my fears by facing it and not to worry TO MUCH about divorce. If one can let go, one can move forward. Granted your mileage may vary.
Vertex Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I guess I'm under the belief that marriage scares men. Scares me. I assume it'd scare men even more. You have any ideas on how to nudge him into feeling more secure. Little somethings. If I do anything big and drastic right now I think he'll see it as fake. Over compensating. But I do want to let him know how he feels is important to me. Any ideas? Maybe... I mean I am a guy (kinda young too) and I look forward to marriage... the idea and everything with it is very appealing and strong to me. Anyways, as for ideas... I think trying anything right now will be perceived as fake (I am trying to see from his perspective here: If you act right now he will think you are doing it just to placate/appease him after all this, and so he will feel that it is not entirely genuine). Doing this might actually lower his security even further if he goes into a state of constantly questioning you, and this might cause trust issues that are hard to pull out of. If you let a little time pass, things will calm down and you will be on good terms again (for now, I'd just apologize for the miscommunication and assure him that you did not mean to hurt his feelings or dash any hopes he had for marriage). Then, after that time has passed, you can start to actively show what you mean and it probably won't get bashed for being fake. As long as your boyfriend understands that you acted with the intent to lift pressure from the idea of rushing marriage, then there is no reason why he should doubt or discredit your feelings or actions as long as you explain yourself if there's confusion or miscommunication. Whether it's showing your excitement or slipping hints/phrases into casual conversation, or doing romantic things together, or (this is huge for guys, I think) expressing these desires publicly will help a lot (as Tan said, if what is said in private is said in public, it usually never gets questioned for veracity). Anyways hoped this helped?
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