eyeswideshut Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Some of you have followed my posts, and here's the situation to date. I never did the NC thing with my MM, because when he said he needed to work on his marriage, I decided to remain friends with him, because he was a childhood friend. Though we did sleep together a few times since March, I was convinced in my mind that we eventually would move into a "just friends" phase. Although it was difficult in the beginning for me to accept this, it was less diffcult to have him as a friend than to realize he was leaving me forever, as I loved having him in my life. Part of me still held on to hope, but another part of me was just curious to see how things would develop if he had all the liberty in the world to decide for himself what marriage counseling would do for him. Anyway, last Tuesday, he phoned, and we had a really nice energetic friendly conversation. He constantly says he misses being with me, but understands that we can't, although he still says he'd like to come over soon. Whenever I say, no, you can't, he says: well, just as friends. Well. On Wednesday, he phoned and left a long message on my machine about how he wished to be with me that afternoon. (things are not going so smoothly with his wife, but I tell him to be patient, it will pass) (I don't want to be a homewrecker, I'd rather he really CHOOSE me rather than be tempted by me, so I'm making no effort whatsoever to win him back, just remaining the neutral friend.) He emailed again on Thursday but I didn't respond. Tonight, he phoned three times, but I was away. He left a message, just a joking kind, not emotional at all. And he left an email message, just a friendly one again, except for the "i miss you" part. Should I assume he really just wants to be friends?? On the one hand, if he really wanted me, he'd be a bit more aggressive. On the other hand, if he didn't want me, he would at least wait until I answer back before responding again. Is this just prolonged EA? Or are we just friends?
zarathustra Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Is this just prolonged EA? Or are we just friends? Yes to the prolonged EA and sorry, you two are no longer friends. He wants you, he misses you and face it... you probably feel the same way.
Yamaha Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 He still wants you and no he doesn't want to be just friends. He misses you and the sex so his contact might increase unless you break it off. You are in control of your situation so I guess the question is, " do you just want to be friends?"
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 it would totally enrich my life to have a friend like this. Yes I do just want to be friends. I am not desperate for his attention, and I am perfectly fine in being single, if that is my destiny. I accept the destiny that is mine, and I do believe if I am meant to be with someone, i will eventually meet someone when the timing is right. However, this "friendship" is behind his wife's back. And that makes me uncomfortable, so much so, I would rather sacrifice having a friend like him in my life than just keeping it up. I have written an email stating this. I haven't sent it yet, but if he persists, I will just send it. Basically, I am telling him that if we are going to be friends, then it should be out in the open. No more secrets. I doubt he will be able to open up about me, because his wife knows about his "little lifelong crush on me" and she doesn't trust him right now, so right now, in the midst of his marriage problems, I would definitely be seen as a threat. So either I send him an email stating this, or I do what I've been doing all along: see where this leads to. (deep down inside i do wish he would chose me, but I cannot control this situation, or can I)
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 You cannot be friends with him, no matter what. Yeah it will hurt and both of you will go through withdrawal as you're emotionally attached to him and him to you. BUT... I doubt he will be able to open up about me, because his wife knows about his "little lifelong crush on me" and she doesn't trust him right now Because of this, he HAS to give his marriage a chance to work. He needs to focus and 'just' love his wife - Not having you there will be easier for him to concentrate on his marriage. If you hang around, his wife is losing out because his attention is divided. And yes, you would be seen as a threat! Big time! If you love him enough, you have to let him go and say goodbye. He isn't yours to have, even if you do have a crush on him and even if you've known him for so long. You're not his wife.
Jessie61 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Yes to the prolonged EA and sorry, you two are no longer friends. He wants you, he misses you and face it... you probably feel the same way. EWS, Sorry, I have to admit that I am with Zara on this point.... You are not "friends", this is an EA... He doesn't want to be just "friends" with you; he is either serious about eventually leaving W (at best) OR he's a cake eater (at worst). Only YOU can decide where the truth lies... As for you, YOUR feelings are way too deep to remain just "friends". You don't have to be brave to us or to him, be honest to yourself! Assuming now that this EA continues, how are you really going to feel? There HE is trying officially to fix his M (these efforts are DOOMED to fail for as long as you distract him!) and somehow you are supposed to support him in his efforts?? Is this "friendship"/EA really going to enrich your life as you say...? Are you not sure it is going to leave you broken hearted, lost and miserable like the rest of us have felt/feel? As you have pointed out yourself; this "friendship" is going on behind behind his W's back... Which means that there is something not quite right about it? And for as long as this situation continues, your R with him will continue to be behind her back. Surely, that is not what you want??? You're a bright girl, you can have and deserve so much more!
zarathustra Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 it would totally enrich my life to have a friend like this. now what kind of friend is he? really? Yes I do just want to be friends. I am not desperate for his attention, and I am perfectly fine in being single, if that is my destiny. I accept the destiny that is mine, and I do believe if I am meant to be with someone, i will eventually meet someone when the timing is right. EWS, personally, I think if you say that you are fine with being single if its your destiny to be so, then I think you've made that your destiny. The timing will never be right for you to meet someone as long as you are 'friends' with this guy. I think that when your heart and mind is open to new relationships, the right one will land at your door. Right now, your heart and mind aren't open to it. However, this "friendship" is behind his wife's back. And that makes me uncomfortable, so much so, I would rather sacrifice having a friend like him in my life than just keeping it up. I have written an email stating this. I haven't sent it yet, but if he persists, I will just send it. Basically, I am telling him that if we are going to be friends, then it should be out in the open. No more secrets. I doubt he will be able to open up about me, because his wife knows about his "little lifelong crush on me" and she doesn't trust him right now, so right now, in the midst of his marriage problems, I would definitely be seen as a threat. I think that if he was serious about working on his problems at home, then he would stay far away from you. If you ended up with him, would you like it if he kept secret female friends? So either I send him an email stating this, or I do what I've been doing all along: see where this leads to. (deep down inside i do wish he would chose me, but I cannot control this situation, or can I) By stating the above, you contradict your original statement "Yes, I do just want to be friends". You know what, that send button is not that hard to press. c'mon girl... you can do it!
Guest Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 No, this is not just friends, and you know that. He wants to play it off as just friends b/c he doesnt want to loose contact with you. If he uses the "just friends" ploy to hang out with you, then next thing you know you are sleeping together again. There are obviously feelings on both parts. YOU have to decide what you will allow or not allow him to do to you. YOU need to establish NC if you do not want to be a "homewrecker". You two are both kidding yourselves if you think that you can be "just friends" after all that has happened. He wants you, thats why he contacts you, but he isnt bringing anything up b/c he resects the fact that you said no. But, if you let him in, even as friends, you will both be back in the sack again before you know it!
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