copper Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Hello, I am new here, and have been lurking for a few days. Please forgive me if this post is too long or too convoluted - it's just hard for me to see things clearly right now. So, my boyfriend of 2 years left me exactly a month ago. Shortly after we started dating I started to have a hard time figuring out if i really loved him or not. I felt like he wasn't the illusionary "knight in shining armor metaphysical joined at the soul soulmate" I had pictured being with in my head, instead of someone you could share your life with in a very Earthly and real every-day way. He often mentioned how he just wanted me to let him love me, that he just wanted me to open myself completely to him, which is something I find very hard to do with anyone, due to various horrible past relationship experiences and childhood trauma. I also tend to be somewhat depressed, and I withdraw during my depressions as well. As a consequence of all this, I would have periods where I would emotionally withdraw from him, and he has told me that this has made him feel invisible, non-existent, and unloved. He's always been so amazingly patient with me though these times. He wanted a real commitment, he wanted me to need him, which are things I had felt unable to do until recently. My wishy-washy feelings have caused us to break up several times, but we always missed each other too much and got back together. Everytime we have broken up, we'd get closer and stronger. Our relationship has always been very honest and open. We've never played games with each other, and we have always communicated our feeling with each other, and have discussed our problems civily and respectfully, and have always given the other person the space to be independent and grow. We've always been wonderful partners, great companions, and great friends. But I had never really been able to LET GO and to trust love fully. About 5 months ago I somehow really really realized how horrible it was that I was hurting him by withdrawing and being distant, and decided I didn't want to be that person, and really really hated that I have hurt him this way. I broke down and apologized and promised never, ever to make him feel like that again. It has been one of the biggest regrets of my life, making him feel this way. And I never did make him feel that way again - I stayed true to my promise. I made a CHOICE to love him at that point and got off the fence. I have never made him feel invisible again, and treated him with respect at all times. I was ready to finally open myself up and let myself really love him, and let him love me. I also quit being depressed at this point, and started to feel happy and good about myself for pretty much the first time in my life. Not because of the relationship, but because I have made many positive changes in my life and my perspective. However, I wonder if I made this realization too late, because once I felt able to commit, he seemed to have lost his own ability. He couldn't quite say that we were "together" for the past several months, even though by our actions were definitely were. We spent almost every night together, and we got along so well. We've always gotten along so well. But he slowly started separating me from the rest of his life, and began to kinda keep me at arms length, and make life plans without me. The closer we got, the more scared he got, and now I see he's been trying to back away from me for a while now. All the while still being intensely in love with me. So last month he came over to talk to me one day and before he said anything I knew there was someone else. Turned out I was right, he had met someone 2 days prior. I was hurt, of course, but I wasn't suprised and I made it clear that what was most important was that he did what made him happy and what he thought was the right thing to do. Last thing I wanted to do was make him feel trapped or not free to do whatever in life he needed to do. It was a very loving and very respectful breakup. He said he was in love with me, but couldn't do this relationship anymore, that it was too cruel for both of us. He mentioned the fact that maybe we let ourselves be too independent from each other, and that something was missing: the feeling of safety, that longing feeling, that weak at the knees feeling, the feeling of everything being okay, feeling needed. My response was that love is NOT a feeling, it's action, willingness and commitment. That truelove isn't that "being in love feeling", but something much more profound that has to do with nuturing each other and learning to deal with complications together, and letting each other grow, and that that kinda love takes lots of time and lots of effort. Which is what we had, and which is why we got closer after every break up. He didn't seem to agree with any of that - he said our relationship was so different from any others he had been in, and we were so close, but that the feeling of "longing" was missing. I think he meant it was missing from me, not him. He admitted the growing "slow burn" we have between each other. At this point in my life true gowth and nuturing each other is so much more important than that ultimately empty "in love" hormone feeling. He said that I HAVE indeed been very consistent in my feelings towards him lately, but he feels he can't get back to the place where he feels safe with me. He's still waiting for me to "f*** up" and withdraw from him again. He felt I just regarded him as just a friend and our relationship as merely "comfortable and convenient", which maybe I did, but I have actually fallen in love with him over the past few months. Him meeting a new girl was the catalyst he needed to give him the strength to break up with me, but was not the reason for it. Of course the next few days after the breakup my emotions caught up with me and I called him crying wanting to work things out, that I was ready to love him completely (which I finally am!), but he kept saying he can't get back together. A couple of times he started to consider getting back together, but untimately he felt it was a bad idea. He is EXTREMELY adamant about us being friends instead of just cutting off all communication altogether. I kept saying no, I cant do that, I never been able to do that. However, it seemed really important to him, and I really couldn't imagine suddenly just not knowing him anymore, so I'm doing my best. He knows I love him in a real way and miss him intensely and want him back, but there's nothing I can do but give him and myself time and space. He a wonderful man and has treated me so well, and respects and admires me so much. I miss him SOO much more than I expected! I love him so much more than I ever thought I did! I had expected to feel relieved when the day came that he found someone else, because I always thought I would break up with him eventually anyway. I sometimes wonder if he left me as a pre-emptive strike. Break up with her before she dumps me. I am now realizing he's the first guy (I'm 31) I've truly loved in a real way, and was not merely in love with an illusion. He's the first guy that has truly loved me for being me. He always put me first, and for the first time in my life I feel willing to make sacrifices for his happiness and well-being. If that means letting him go, sobeit. I love him and respect him, even more so becauuse if the fact that he loves himself enough to break up with me, and to protect himself from the pain of our on/off relationship. I feel so sad that I didn't realize my love for him for so long. I'm keeping my distance for a while until I can feel clear about things. He calls me a couple times a week, I don't call him. He keeps saying he misses me, and says it even more adamantly each time I talk to him. He keeps saying he really wants to see me badly, but I don't really respond, I'm not ready to see him, I think he senses that. I'm too afraid of breaking down, or doing something for the wrong reasons. He still has stuff in my apartment that he doesn't want to come pick up, and wants me to hold on to them for a while. The thing with the girl he met didn't work out (of course). Each time I talk to him he says he thinks about me all the time. He begs me to call him anytime, but i don't. He keeps saying "if I come back to you it will be for good, but I may never come back. And if I do come back I don't even know that you'll still want me back." It's taken me so long to seperate real love from illusionary love, and now that I have is it really too late? I want to be able to prove to him that I will always be there for him, and that if we got back together that I really would be there, and present at ALL times. That I am done withdrawing from him, I have let go. That I am not interested in having my wall of self-protection up anymore. That I really have gone through a lot of changes that make this possible for me. Is it a horrible thing for me to hope for reconciliation in the future? In the meantime my priority is on healing myself, and doing what's best for me, and I am glad that he is trying to do the same - I know its the only way to things to turn out as they should, whatever that means. Getting back together or not, I don't know. Anyone have any insight, advice, or hope for me? Does this relationship have any hope, or do you think the trust is too far gone? Is this some sorta test, like, if you love them, let them go, if it's meant to be it will work out? I do believe that, but I'm also afriad I have lost him forever, and that is so painful. Sorry if this post is kinda all over the place....
Walking away Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Get the book "Love Must Be Tough." You are applying the principles, but this book will help you keep yourself on the right track. I hope all works out with you. WA
bootylicious Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 look ifeel u i broke with my man 2 and right after he went uot with his ex bulls*** huh.wellnewayz dont let that s*** bring u down!!!
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