Am I a nice guy or a doormat? A good/bad catch? Am I fooling myself?

[Vertex]

I want people to be as brutally honest as possible given the following... I know posts on LS are a far cry from complete pictures, but I will try to speak about the most relevant things here. Sorry that it is so long but I would GREATLY appreciate any input.

 

Background information... currently approaching 20 years old as a male college student. I was valedictorian of my school, made my own money for spending, have had roughly two major girlfriends in my life, went through an immediate family death late into high school, got accepted into a bunch of good colleges, have always been working since freshman year of high school (i.e. jobs, employment, etc), and I have only had sex with my most recent girlfriend. I figure background info might help... most of that defines the "on paper" information in terms of purely factual things, anyhow.

 

Now, in both of my major relationships they ended in a similar way. Things always began wonderfully and both people involved were very happy, but then the girl suddenly lost interest in me. The first, admittedly, was a case I understood: I was too shy and not very physically affectionate and so she left me for someone who was (who later used her for sex and she regretted it fully). The second, most recent case, was one I do not understand at all. Things were INCREDIBLE to begin with (we began long-distance and were able to meet with each other for multiweek periods over senior year). It was like my ideal relationship (minus the LD. We now attend colleges an hour away from each other) and I loved doing things for her. We'd text each other/IM things in the morning to wake each other up or just to say "I love you," or have an occasional dirty phone session, or just talk with each other about anything. She is a very brilliant woman and I loved that she was beautiful, to boot. We had a terrific sex life and even spoke of marriage. We lived together over the summer after high school, and visited each other's campuses once college began.

 

Suddenly, though, she pulled away and lost interest. The calls stopped, the messages stopped, the affections stopped -- everything. I had to fight her to get her to come visit me, because I was finding myself constantly taking the train to go see HER. She made me feel guilty when I asked her if I was a high priority in her life. Soon the sex became very one-sided, just me pleasuring her and not vice versa. Her mindset changed to one of "I don't know what I want -- I don't want a relationship anymore -- our relationship is boring." She accused me of being boring and routine because she felt we always did the same things when we were together. The truth is, I ALWAYS actively sought new things to do with her and she would refuse to do them with me. Instead she insisted on doing what she wanted, and then later accused me of being boring.

 

For example, the last time she came to visit me for a few days, I had bought her tickets to a concert for a band she loved, reservations to a really awesome restaurant, flowers, plans for a picnic near this beautiful river, plans to visit downtown, to go explore the events happening on campus, etc. Almost every one of those things were things she just didn't want to do. Later she said she had a bad weekend and it wasn't any fun. I was frustrated. I felt like nothing I did pleased this girl and she just LOOKED for any smallest thing she could grab at to complain about. She eventually broke up with me "since we were not on the same page anymore and she felt it was unfair I loved her more than she loved me." She felt that she was better suited for random hookups -- giving herself fully to strangers because it's more exciting. I was devastated. After this she blocked me on virtually every messenger program, phone, blog, and website you could think of. It was a 100% cutoff and I felt so hurt inside and very unappreciated.

 

Recently she began talking to me again, saying she missed me and all our good memories together. She felt bad for how she acted (she said she did not touch anyone else since the breakup, saying perhaps she is not built for random hookups after all), and said she feels that even if we don't work there is a potential for some "unknown force of fate" to bring us together through love independent of logic and reason. But at the same time she said she can't see us together in the near future. Since we broke up she said she has been happy, even if she is stressed doing schoolwork. I feel very confused about this. She said she isn't keeping me "on backup" and that she isn't looking into other people. She just doesn't feel like she can handle a relationship at the moment, but at the same time I feel like it is unfair of her to talk to me given what happened since I was trying to get over her. During this recent conversation, she said she was upset that I was working out and learning to cook and learn piano and another language (I currently speak English, Japanese, Chinese, German, and a little Spanish) because it pains her to think that I am "bettering myself" for another girl. She only spoke with me recently because she heard I danced with a girl (I was wandering campus late at night and asked a girl sitting at a patio to dance with me in the street when nobody was around). This made her incredibly jealous and upset... although I felt like that was NOTHING compared to me hearing that she wanted to look into random sexual hookups!! She also admitted that I was not routine at all -- she was.

 

Now, so many friends and their parents (I don't really have parents of my own to turn to about this stuff since, well, one of them is the dead and the other is never home) tell me I am a very funny, intelligent, caring person with a wonderful future again and I have just been with bad girls. But I don't know if this is true since friends will naturally be more inclined to agree with you. I don't know if I am actually a good catch who is unappreciated or just a doormat too willing to accomodate other people's needs, or if I am actually just being arrogant and thinking I have more than I actually do in terms of attractive characteristics and desirable traits. Thing is, I do stand up strongly for my own opinions and I definitely let people know when something bothers me, so in this sense I do not feel like a doormat. On the other hand I did engage in a lot of one-sided sex, went on trips to see my gf and not vice-versa, buy her things without reciprocation, always had a willingness to make her happy although that desire did not reside within herself, etc.

 

My girlfriend felt that our relationship no longer had passion. This pissed me off because I felt like that has always been my goal. I want to call/leave little messages to each other, I want spur-of-the-moment sex on the rooftops, romantic outings, spontaneous surprises that make my girl happy, fun outings with friends, traveling, late-night conversations full of humor and good feelings, the assurance of having both a girlfriend and best friend in one person, a constantly-growing closeness, etc. I like having fun and being around people... and I love making my girl happy. But it feels like nothing I do is ever enough. Part of me wonders if she is spoiled (went to a rich NY private school, goes to an Ivy although I do as well, never had to pay for her own things, etc), but another part wonders if the problem is with myself.

 

I don't know if I am actually just expecting too much at my age (when many girls prefer "jerks") and things will get better with time, or if I am just a doormat who lets people take advantage of me. Or, am I just being full of myself? I feel like I have had a hard life and it has taught me much. I feel very responsible, empathetic, trustworthy, loving/affectionate, ambitious, diligent, spontaneous, and very able to compromise and understand. I think I make a good boyfriend and in the future a good husband and provider. But I don't know if I am actually any of these things. It's hard to view oneself externally. Do I have a successful love life ahead or am I doomed to fail? Are my friends and family right when they say my girlfriends are the ones truly losing out on traits they will have a hard time finding in one man later on in life? I just don't know what to believe.

 

Anyhow thank you for reading all this... it means a lot to me.

[a4a]

Actually you sound like a good catch but very few younger people are interested in settling down in their early 20s. Your just young and you are dating young people this is part of it.

 

You are probably going to put quite a few more relationships under your belt until you find the right one. So have fun now. Maybe you are just too serious too quick. Not every person is looking for "the one" when they are so young.

[jerbear]

Vertex:

 

1) congrats on a new semester

2) Jerks unfortunately are fun to be with. Think of the flirty, fiesty women and the guys they attract.

3) you are a nice guy but nice guys are predicatable which is boring.

4) Sometimes women like to know a guys boundaries even if they are sometimes misplaced

5) you were at her beck and call and made it to easy for her; I'm sometimes at fault for that also.

6) Since you are in college, college changes people, makes them grow, they meet different people, encounter different issues and bond.

7) Once a woman gets bored, the interests level drops (think #2 & #3)

 

At least she talked to you, because you started to be more interesting. Continute contact with her but I doubt anything will go further until after you two graduate. Also let her do some of the contact and you have to keep some boundaries like if you have a final stay home!

 

At 20's and being in college, not many guys and gals want to settle down now. After college, never know because of 1st job and distance. At least she is talking to you.

[vi_pn_babe25]

You are young and let me tell you, I got into a serious relationship when I was 18 then broke up with him when I was 23. I realized that he wasn't the one for me, and I still look back at the time I potentially wasted on not focusing on myself. That's kind of why I'm in the situation that I am today where I think I missed out on being single so I'm going overboard and getting myself into unhealthy relationships. So from my experience, my advice would be to you that you should just have fun and live life for yourself for awhile since you are still young. Then when you have yourself straight, which I believe you do already, then you can start focusing on sharing your life with somebody else, but right now don't get into anything serious, because if it doesn't work out, one day you'll look back and think "what if" hopefully I helped a lil.

[Walk]

Vertex,

 

I read some of your posts while you were still with the ex. And I read the entire post above. whew.

 

What I see. (Brutal honesty based upon electronic communication)

 

A introspective, intelligent person who believes in treating someone as they wish to be treated, who see's the good in others. Someone who attempts to put the needs of the ones they love above your own needs. I also see someone who is at least 10 years more mature then people his own age.

 

Having said that... some of these will get you walked on if you're not careful. Its hard to balance being careful with trusting someone though. I think with time you'll be able to pinpoint faster the women who are there to use you, and the ones that really appreciate you for you. I think your ex is immature, and only has an inkling of how good she had it with you.

 

Some of your traits have a tendency to be doormat material. It's something you're going to have to learn how to balance based on who your interacting with. If you give too much without getting the same level of effort, or obviously working harder at the relationship then your partner and not getting any real reasons for why they aren't... Buying more then you get, calling more, one sided sex.. etc. When these things start to become one sided, then you need to stand up for yourself. Giving these things is not inheriently doormat material, but continuing to give when it's obviously one sided is being a doormat. A balance in your actions. Give and take.

 

If you allow yourself to continue giving without receiving to the same level, then you are a doormat. Your ex doesn't love you, as harsh as that may be... but I really think she loves how you made her feel. Which is very much like the one night stand. She didn't need to put forth effort in order to get what she wanted. You were willing to do the work. And there weren't any repercussions for her behavior. You are the one night stand she wanted. The feel good without the work. The confidence booster. If she had appreciated you, she would have busted her ass to show you that while you two were together. She chose not to.

 

It's about balance. If there is no balance, then someone is getting used.

[Yamaha]

My take is--when a person ends things suddenly it is because they have someone else in their life. I think she meet someone else ( thus the random hook up statement and your no longer interesting to her ) but it didn't go as she had planned. She then thought about you but she is keeping her options open so she doesn't want to rush into anything soon.

 

I think you are to good for her. I would tell her that you need to explore your feelings to see if YOU want to be with her. Take your time and date other girls. If she is the one then things will work out but I don't think so.

[Pyro]

Vertex,

 

to have all those traits at such a young age is one-in-a-million. I congratulate you on that. Most people don't get to the stage that you are at, mentally until they are much older. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to find someone at your age who wants what you want right now. You may unexpectidely meet someone when you least expect it. Just keep your head up and take care of yourself. With those qualities, you will no doubt meet someone.

[whichwayisup]

The distance between you two didn't help. Not seeing eachother daily and physically being in eachother's lives was part of the problem. Not too sure if she met someone else, or if she just didn't want to be tied down to one person. Her loss.

 

With the previous girl, well, she is to blame, seeing as she really didn't communicate with you until it was too late...She made her bed, and regretted it. Her loss.

 

You are a good person, with a good heart. Women DO love that in men. Be confident with yourself and be happy with who you are. The rest will fall into place.

 

With that being said, stand your ground! If you believe in something, stand up for it! Don't be pressued into something you don't want to do, to please her, or anyother girl, or a friend. Again, be yourself.

 

Know when to say no, when to give and when to take. It's all a good balance of everything, daily.

[Vertex]

Thank you for the replies, everyone. Most of you have pretty much said people don't want to settle down, but I mean what irks me is the question of whether or not that means living purely in the moment devoid of foresight. As in, do you date around fully knowing that person will likely not be the one for you? If so, then doesn't this bring something inherently detrimental to the relationship?

 

I mean when I think of an ideal girlfriend/etc, I see someone I've known for a long time. Someone who is my best friend who I've been through many things with such that we know each other incredibly well. I just don't know if that same level of fulfillment can derive from short instances. Then again I met my ex about 2 years ago, and many would consider that pocket change in the realm of relationship duration.

 

As for give and take, it has been a problem for me. For instance, if I felt I wasn't being sexually satisfied I'd hold off on giving my girlfriend anything in return, but in response I'd be told something like "I thought you loved me" or just face a pissy mood in general. If I would explain that it was because I felt I was not getting much, I'd be told that "that is such an immature way to go about it!" In general, how do you set boundaries with repercussions that such those repercussions don't just cause more strain? Are those repercussions somehow meant to be a filtering method used to "test" the other person? As in, if someone can't understand the logic and reasoning behind it then they're not right for you? I do not quite understand.

 

My problem though is wondering if I will ever find another girl like her again (with the good qualities). She was so smart and beautiful -- very dedicated to work and had a sense of humor similar to mine. We both loved a lot of the same foods, were both sexually adventurous (that is until she lost interest), had very good conversations, understood each other, knew what made each other happy through little things, etc. I wonder if I will ever again be so lucky to experience those things again. And I am afraid that I will fall into the same trap as last time, giving too much or being too available, resulting in a loss of interest.

 

My girlfriend spoke to me a lot more since we began talking again -- she initiated conversations which she rarely did before. It's like people are attracted to things when they pull away and I do not understand this vicious cycle at all. Why is it hard for us to gravitate towards things that attract and not repel?

[MadDog]

Say it with me man: "She wasn't good enough for me." I think reading through your posts, you beat yourself up too much. It seems like you blame yourself and question whether the problem is you. On the contrary, I think the problem was her. If she's too foolish and immature to appreciate being treated well, then let her find out for herself how hard it is to find someone who will treat her well.

 

I've been thinking about relationships a lot recently and I've realized that if the person you're with doesn't appreciate you, walking away is the right move, 100% of the time. The worst thing you can do is to hang around, hoping she'll change. Why waste all your energy and time when it's going to go unnoticed?

 

What I would suggest for you at your age is to just have fun. Date around and see what kind of girls you get along with but just don't expect or try to get into anything too serious. Chances are, the girl you're seeing won't be ready for a serious relationship anyway. Just keep it light-hearted and you'll be much better off. It's rare when a couple your age ends up lasting a long time and getting married anyway.

[konfuzd]

I can completely sympathize with the frustration you are feeling. You list in your post a number of very admirable and appealing qualities about yourself. The fact that you know that you have all these wonderful qualities is a start. Finding someone who appriciates you for them is a whole different matter.

 

Speaking from the other side, I think I have a lot to offer the other sex as well, but am in the process of weeding out all the losers. I don't know what it is about human nature, but it seems as though we hold onto the ones who create so much drama, sadness and anger and let the good ones slip away. In your case, I think she is the one at a loss here, although you also are feeling the effects.

 

I often lose faith in others as well, (kind of hard not to when you get stood up/blown off 4 times by 4 different people in the last few months). Reading through many posts on here, I have learned that it is far better to be alone and recognize your own self worth than give someone else the power to bring you down.

 

Your ex is expecting you to sit at home and wallow over her in order to make herself feel better about herself, and her importance in your life, which at this point is none. She is no longer your responsibility. If going out and dancing with a random girl in the street *sounds like a lot of fun btw* makes you happy, then do it regardless of what the ex thinks about it. It is no longer her concern.

 

Hold out for the mutually beneficial relationship, you and I both need to hold onto the faith that it is out there! Good Luck!

[MadDog]

I have learned that it is far better to be alone and recognize your own self worth than give someone else the power to bring you down.

 

That's the thing. Just because you're involved with someone doesn't mean you have to give them the power to bring you down, regardless of they behave. Someone blow you off? Big deal. There are plenty of others to take their place. Do they not appreciate you? Then it's their loss.

 

It's all about attitude. People don't have power over you unless you give it to them.

[Vertex]

I agree... I've been trying to adapt something I've seen Caliguy express many times here: Being fine with yourself before getting too deep in a relationship. You should be able to function alone first, no? Then a relationship becomes icing on the cake -- not the cake itself. If your frosting is suddenly no more, hey, you still have cake. Eh it made sense in my head.

[Vertex]

How can I be sure when the problem is me vs when the problem is them?

[Sand&Water]

How can I be sure when the problem is me vs when the problem is them?

 

Before I answer your question, please forgive me. I didn't read your entire original post. So bare with me on a few issues/topics I mention, since I may be repeating things others have said. Thank You.

 

As for your question: First let me start off by saying that there is no clear cut answer. Sure I can give my opinion on the issues at hand - girlfriends, love, romance, passion, etc but it's your thoughts, beliefs, morals, and values along with some external advice that counts at the end of the day.

 

Let me ask you, Do you live for them or for yourself? When you start to understand yourself in the most intimate ways then you are able to provide self-help. However, that is task tough enough for the average human. You're still young, and that means you have plenty of time to work on improving yourself. You should make "Me" time, in your schedule. I'm not saying you should become an arrogant self-centered selfish guy. Rather, when people see how much you care about yourself and your well being then they'll expect the same when you interact with them.

 

I'm experiencing a lot of things you've gone through. So, I know how you feel.

 

Feeling that you're not good enough for the opposite sex is not a pleasant attitude. This is just a slippery phase in your life. Hold on tight, and keep focused. Good things will come. Chin up!

 

Wish I could take this advice for msyelf. I say things to people, but in the end I can't help myself. It's seriously annoying; drives me crazy.

 

Anyways, Hope it makes sense.

[justagirliegirl]

You sound like a very good catch and many years mature for your age.

 

I think the other posts are dead on.

 

You were probably just a bit too giving and too easy for this last girl.

 

I also think she met someone else and it didn't work out so she is back. Please just be careful of her using you as her emotional toilet paper between bad boys.

 

If you aren't into casual relationships, no sense in pursuing them. Just be true to yourself. One of these days there will be an awesome girl who will be on the same page as you are

[Vertex]

But if what I want is something I can't have for years to come, is it better for me to just pursue casual things?

[MadDog]

But if what I want is something I can't have for years to come, is it better for me to just pursue casual things?

 

Yes, I think at your age, you'd be better off pursuing casual relationships and if you happen to get lucky and find a girl who wants and is ready for a serious relationship, then go for it.

 

I think you'll end up disappointed and disillusioned if you go about looking for serious relationships with girls your age. I'm several years older than you and I'm still finding lots of girls aren't capable of being in a serious relationship. Like they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

[Vertex]

Well, s***.

 

Maybe I just need to get really wasted and end up messing around with someone drunk. Maybe that would be more fitting for my age -_-

[jerbear]

Well, s***.

 

Maybe I just need to get really wasted and end up messing around with someone drunk. Maybe that would be more fitting for my age -_-

 

Avoid the corner coffee shop, goto the deck or a greek place. Better yet the city center.

[Vertex]

The deck... I recall it being really crowded though. Hot and uncomfortable :/ Where is there to go in the city for such things?