andyp6 Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 From my previous post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88299/ I had a better day today until a text from the ex girlfriend, (not the ex wife) saying she wanted to talk about my stuff still at her house as she will be moving in June and I'll be on business travel. She is calling me tomorrow sometime. s***, I don't know what to do, do I tell her how I feel still, do I say I know she is seeing someone (I believe so anyway), do I say I'm over her and moving on (I'm clearly not), do I tell her what I've been through the lack of sleep, no food, losing a stone (14 pounds) in a week and a half, or just talk about the tools and dvds? Do I wait for her to mention shes seeing someone (i think), do I say that the emotional manipulation mentioned in the last post is most certainly over, I've already (i think) proven that with the ex wife, its been like a breath of fresh air washing over me since my eyes were opened to it, (riobikini's post is right). I do realise exactly where I went wrong with her, do I tell her that? I did speak to someone (confidential advice) about my feelings today and told them everything, the whole situation. They believe that I suffered a minor breakdown through stress a few months ago and was hanging in there becuse of my girlfriend, not wanting to hurt or burden her. They think that the signs I was exhibiting, the change in my personality were classic symptoms. When I was dumped they said that I did lose it completely, that was before I found this site. They also said that it seems that I may be on the way up, as I can talk about it...I even mentioned this site and how it's helped me. I was asked...why didn't she notice the changes in me, why didn't she notice the breakdown and stress? Do I tell her this, or is that a really dumb thing to do? All of this has happened in the last 2 and a half weeks. Is that all it is??? my god it feels like months! I was definitely going for the no contact and was taking it a day at a time, even the despair about her seeing possibly someone. I say possibly as I was told that but I do want her to tell me...I guess that would help me heal????? (or not) Damn why did she get in touch it's ruined it! I'm at a loss now how to handle it. Do I want her back...hell yes, is she willing to..probably not (but I have hope) ...do I want to sound pathetic..no..but do i want to tell her how i still feel...yes Should I even take the call? I guess I'll have to, I need my stuff back and she needs it moved so that means I'll have to meet her... no contact...argghh!!! Thoughts on what to do? Andy
riobikini Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Look, I've read (and responded to) your other post and am familiar with the details you have already revealed. This invite to come get your things, is the opportunity you may be looking for in doing that 'face-to-face' thing, and telling her that you have 'woken up', so to speak, regarding the past ordeal with the ex, and the damage it did to your relationship. Take only *your part* of the responsibility for that. Make your apology. Then, -wait and see if she's decent enough to speak her regrets as well. Two people can't be in a relationship and only *one* of them be guilty of the all the problems. If she's unwilling to voice her part in any wrongdoing or shortcoming, -don't bring them up- you'll be able to judge that one of two different ways farther on down the road: either you'll have gained a little more info on her true character and what it might have been like to actually live out the rest of your life in a marriage with her unwillingness to admit her part in anything (=miserable frustration) -or you'll learn, later on, that she was still harboring alot of hurt over the last few months incidents and just couldn't get any words out. Whichever one it turns out to be, -remember that you gave her an opportunity to speak. As for the new (possible) boyfriend, -look- you really don't *know* he even exists. True, she may be seeing someone. I'd say, if she is, that's about par for the course. She's getting comfort from whomever for all the hurt she's suffered. Those immediate relationships right after a breakup indicate the classic rebound scenario, and they don't usually last. Even if the new guy does exist, and even if her new relationship with him turns up miraculously lasting til they're eighty, -what's important, is that *you do what you know to do that's 'right'*: it'll aid you in moving on -or ever reconciling in the future. If there is a man in her life, or she shows no signs of forgiveness, set your mind on 'NC' mode and leave it there, after this meeting. Moving on, and getting 'there' in a way that maintains your self-respect, and promotes your healing and recovery, should be your primary focus, so pour all your positive thoughts and energy into everything you do. You're doing it for your own good. I can tell from your post, that you still haven't given yourself any rest from thinking about all this, and I understand: it seems all too important and *immediate*. You're playing "catch up" to the situation that was created, that snowballed, and started rolling so fast that you, now, have to chase after it. That's exhausting for two reasons: you didn't have time to recuperate from the stress from the previous involvement with the ex-wife, and now, the resulting (emotional) damage from it. It might be a very good time for you to see a counselor. On the other thing (about the possible 'breakdown' you mention): it is certainly possible that you simply had so much to deal with that you did, in fact, appear a little 'crazy' to the people who knew you *from the outside*. (No way for me to tell, but good thing to mention to your counselor). Also, blaming your girlfriend for not seeing the high stress you were under, perhaps, really shouldn't be held too strongly against her> she was right with you, going through the *effects* of it, too. So it's possible that, living closely *in it*, that she couldn't see the "forest from the trees", herself. Andy: go on and get your things, -there's no need for a big argument or ugly confrontation. Look at it as opportunity, just like I pointed out. You can be fair, decent, maintain your self-control, and be a stand-up guy about this, -and it still be possible to manage to keep from throwing yourself at her feet like a big ol' emotional doormat. Keep your self-respect. All of these things are accomplishable. Take care. -Rio
GW7147 Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Andy, Read your posts and I certainly feel for you. I submitted my first post on May 13 after going through a very similar set of circumstances. My post was titled "Blindsided" under Breaking Up. I too, was with my girlfriend for several months and everything was fabulous. She would pour her heart to me and tell me all the right things to get my heart racing. She would say we would always be together and she was so content with her life and was at peace with everything. We went on a trip to Cancun and 5 days later we returned, I heard pretty much the same line: She didn't share the same feelings I had for her. Talk about a surprise!! I was crushed!! This happened to me about 3 weeks ago. I had been dealing with some other circumstances withing my immediate family and my GF was my saving grace. She brought hope and determination back into my life. The break-up hit me hard. I lost 22 pounds in 3 weeks, diminished apetite and wake up every night at 3 a.m. and don't go back to sleep. My work performance has suffered from this as well. I began to see a counselor and because of my condition, wa placed on medications. I didn't realize where I was at with this whole thing. I found this site and felt so much better with writing my post and receiving responses. I decided to go with NC, although my GF and I only emailed about 3 times since we split. She actually had my stuff waiting for me when I went to talk to her. That was a horrible thing to see when I walked in the house. It was after I discovered LS that I started to feel much better, I chose to start excerising and maintian NC. I even decided to stop going to one of our local hangouts due to her friend working there. I wanted no part of her getting messgaes from her friend. I thought it best for her to have no idea what I was up to. Anyway, I don't believe you've had enough time to "form a scab" and begin to start the healing process, then you get a call about your personal effects. Personally, I would think it would be best to get your things. It doesn't mean all that much other than you're picking the stuff up. Go over, maintain an appropriate attitude and be the better person. Leave her with a positive thought in her head when you get your stuff. Don't leave a negative memory for her to fall back on. As Rio said, you don't know if there is somebody else so, don't make the assumption. It's easy to feed your brain with stuff when your feeling the way we do. I've tried to avoid that thought process. If it helps, think about how good you made her feel and how she felt and what she said to you when you were together. I may be off base but, when I think about what my ex said to me in the past, I feel as if she made the mistake to leave. I was good to her and I'm sure you treated you ex wonderfully as well. I would think she walked away from a good thing. Maybe she needs the stuff moved so she can prepare for her move (is she going far?) but she still needs the time and space to think about things. Get your effects and then leave her be and continue with NC. It may seem like your starting over but, once you get past this you'll be able to pick-up where you left off. I'm sure I'm going to deal with setbacks as well. Just try to remain positive and take care of yourself. If your not seeing a counselor, I would recommend it. It will help you in the long run and help you heal and grow as a person. I wish you all the best and I'll be keeping an eye out for your posts. Hang in there my friend, things will be alright!!! Regards!!
Author andyp6 Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 Following on from these posts I did go to see her Tuesday. We talked, I apologised, we talked more. She said she wanted to get back together but was scared of being hurt again. She had see a guy a couple of times, but nothing in it she said. She said she would never find anyone like me, so matched to her, she said she still loves me. I left my stuff there. I didn't contact her yesterday but I got a call at 9pm asking me to come and see her. i did. We talked some more about how we can move forward, what we would do. We hugged and hugged. I stayed the night...nothing sexual we just laid and hugged all night. I took her into work this morning. Hope.... She texted me late this morning to say she doesnt feel the same, that we would never work, she needs space, she doesnt want to talk! Yesterday she told me how she wanted me to be with her and how we can get over what we had both been through, together!!! Now she says not. Now she says she doesn't want it! What the hell!!!!! I'm back into the despair I had just got out of! Yesterday I was so happy. Tears are flowing freely again. I had just got out of that when she contacted me. Whats happened? I guess NC is the order of the day, again. I guess there is a chance still once the NC has been for a while..I hope i mean. She said she doesnt want to give me false hope, but she also says she misses me like crazy! I'm scewy again...what do i do? Whats going on? Andy
riobikini Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Andy, you (did, and) are doing what most people do during post-breakup mode: you're viewing the relationship as if it's a drowning child in a river of crushing, spiralling rapids and you jump right in (without a rope or a any lifesaving device, whatsoever, I might add) to save it. *You still haven't taken the time needed to assess things.* Until you do, all your efforts amount to nothing more than a slow drowning. -Rio
Author andyp6 Posted May 21, 2006 Author Posted May 21, 2006 Rio...thanks for your last post. I'm trying to take the time Only problem is that I do have to get my stuff tomorrow, she texed 2 days ago and asked me to. I can't sleep, all churned up, totally screwy. BUT not crying or being sick. I guess those last two are a good sign. Any thoughts on how I handle it tomorrow? Play cool? Tell her I still feel it, or just get in and out as quick as possible? Sorry Andy
riobikini Posted May 21, 2006 Posted May 21, 2006 re: " Any thoughts on how I handle it tomorrow? Play cool? Tell her I still feel it, or just get in and out as quick as possible?" Andy, see last few lines of post #2 for my answer (already given to you). You can do it! (Smile) -Rio
Recommended Posts