Numbheart Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Jeeeezz H christ, the last 3 or 4 days I have really hit rock bottom again. This is really from the heart so be prepared for some babble. Posting on here and giving opinions have helped me greatly, but at the moment I dont feel like I practice what I preach....well ok maybe I can to an extent, as I still have not broken NC, but for the love of God I have wanted to each and every second of the days that go past. I just dunno whats going on, one day I feel really positive, focused, back to my old self, then the next day, I have a complete relapse, cant even begin to think of what it was that made me so positive the day before and end up sinking and sinking further. There are so many thoughts entering my mind, I feel like my heads gonna explode. Somedays, I think, NC does not apply to my situation, we had no problems with each other, we should be able to talk. Other days I realise the last time we communicated (3 weeks ago)she ignored me after the initial reason of contact, and that shes also asked for space and time and I need to give it to her. Then I think she never actually felt she was good enough to be with me (she also told me this quite a few times) and think if I tell her I cant forget her and that she was everything I have ever looked for in my life that she will feel better (that is also how I really feel), then realise she will not feel better due to other pressures including her divorce...also that it will make me look obsessed and weak. I have tried and tried to respect her wishes, tried to understand why shes done what shes done and think I do. I do respect her for ending us when she did, as, as she has told me, she was also doing it for respect for me ending things early, whilst she could have happily gone on for months being with me, but known all along that she eventually needs healing time to herself from her divorce, so she split us once she had this reality check. I tried to send her 2 messages 4 and 5 weeks ago explaining that I understood this to try and make her also feel better about knowing she had hurt me 7 weeks ago with the split.( I now know I was stupid with doing this, but not only did I want to try and make her feel better, I also wanted to try and show that it was something which I understood quickly, rather than it taking me months to see, once my hurt had gone) It does not stop the hurt of thinking that she is ignoring me due to either now hating me for getting in touch with her 3 weeks ago, or due to her thinking I am obsessive, or because it was just more emotional pressure to her, if she was not coping well with everything (as again she told me) Its really bugged me that she told me I was scaring her by how obsessive I had become!.....we spoke for 3 -4 days via text after our split, no problems, left things for a week and sent her flowers and a letter, thats when I got the obsessive line.....I think it was uncalled for, my feelings had stayed at the same point whilst hers had obviously moved on, I did not become obsessive, we were already with each other until 4 days after our split. I have never once tried to ring her, or turn up to face her to speak, I have shown respect for her feelings, I let her go thinking that she would come back, but also think enough of her to let her go onwards and be happy with someone else if thats what she really needs (and told her this)......God I am stuggling with this now! To just be able to "TALK" with her once after the day of the split would have helped no end, yet I know the reason why she would not talk or meet, because if she had, she would have been back with me in a heartbeat, knowing that she would still have to do what shes done for her own healing from her divorce. Shes tried to save both of our feelings, which I have great admiration for, but Jeeeez the hurt, I miss her so, so much....and then even more when I think honestly about why she has done everything and all the truth she told me all along, which all fits into place like a jig-saw once I see things more clearly. I keep asking myself if its her that I miss or what we had, the "feeling between us" but both seem to go hand in hand with each other, as I have never once had THAT feeling with anyone else, not 100% on every level I have ever looked for.......that is the sole thing that is making all this so hard and I really am missing the person more than the feeling, just every single thing about her...the fact that we got on like no-others was just really a plus, ...well ok, maybe a bit more than a plus as it is a huge factor to a relationship. I knew from the day I saw her that if she was single, we would have fantastic potential together, I saw something in her that I cannot explain, something that made me break the habbit of my lifetime and ask someone out. When she respond so positively, and that she had also thought the same of me when she first saw me, it made me think I had been right, everything went from strength to strength, overnight,.... I started to let go, give in to concerns and got swept along with the flow, only for it to be ended so abruptly, leaving me hanging with all the positives, no negatives and a big what IF! I know things may well have not worked out in the long run for us, that would have been easier to cope with.....seeing the fantastic potential we had and then loosing it so suddenly has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I naturally expect to hear from her again as things were so good, but then realise how she is currently ignoring me, how stubborn she is, and her motto is "never go back"....yet why?.....why not go back to something that was so good once you have healed?....I have no idea what will happen, but trying to deal with all this at the moment is killing me again. I just wanted to send her a text yesterday saying God I still miss you so much,.... I was always honest and sincere with her from day 1, she knows that, that is who I am, yet I kept looking at everything, all aspects, all viewpoints and I never sent it. Sorry for all this, its sort of helped just by venting,......I know we all have bad days, I've had the past 4 bad days, I'm trying to stay strong, I know I need to, I'm doing it with the best intentions yet its ripping my insides out after 3 weeks solid NC.
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