Gemini1975 Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 So we all went away last weekend (my husband and the OM) and things remained ok. It was difficult I must admit to go away with my husband and the OM who I have feelings for. I did well with supressing my feelings but it was a challenge. (Just to fill you guys in about two months ago the other man and I shared a kiss - one kiss. I have had crush like feelings for him for years. We have been friends since we were little. We talked about it realized that it was wrong and promised each other not to act on it again and never told our significant others) I felt bad for the OM because I saw him looking at me a few times with hurt in his eyes when my husband and I were kissing or holding hands. He has not come out and admitted that he has feelings for me he has said he is attracted to me but im pretty sure he likes me more then he lets on. There were a couple of times where he was kind of snitty with my hubby too. I think he was a little jealous. The OM is not big on discussing his feelings but I feel bad that it has come to this. I don't want to hurt him but I can't be with him either. The only problem for me is that I know that I will not act on this again with him but my feelings for him are so strong its ridiculous. He gives me butterflies - its awful. Im confused - hurt - and yes I've been going to councilling like everyone suggests but its still difficult to handle. Its like I couldn't wait to say good by to him for the weekend so I could have a good reason to give him a hug. Its pathetic. I don't want to have sex with him and I don't want to make out with him. But I want to see him, hug him, text him, phone him. AHAHAHA I Can't explaine ... :sick: :sick: :sick:
Presario Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I felt bad for the OM because I saw him looking at me a few times with hurt in his eyes when my husband and I were kissing or holding hands. You should feel bad for your husband, because you are making a fool of him in front of the other man.
Jessie61 Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Gemini, I can understand that it is hard for you, but is there no way that you can avoid going on these trips? I mean it hardly helps you to forget the OM if you spend time with him, especially in those circumstances??? If you want to focus on your M then you need to get OM out of your mind. "Out of sight, out of mind"....?
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 Jessie1 - Out of sight out of mind. That is how I forgot about him for the longest time before. Its just been in the last few months that we have been hangin out again and the feelings have come back. As for this trip him and my hubby planned it for my birthday. It was un avoidable. Thankfully there will not be anymore of these trips coming up in the near future. Presario - I don't understand what you mean? Can you explain.
Presario Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Presario - I don't understand what you mean? Can you explain. You are making a fool of your hudband because you have a romantic secret with the other man. Yet, you act as though everything is normal: kiss and hold hands. The other man is looking at it as is probably thinking: you are a fool, men, you must be thinking your wife is so great.
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 Presario I understand your point but I don't think the om feels that way about my husband. They are friends as well. We both realize that we made a mistake and I think the last thing he wants to do is make a fool of my husband. When he is with his wife/girlfriend I don't feel like she is a fool. If anything I feel bad that we deceived her. The only thing I have ever thought about his relationship with his GF was I wonder just how happy he really is if he has strayed. And Im sure he has thought the same of my relationship.
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 How happy are you? You both strayed. And whether both want to admit this or not, maybe it's not on purpose, but you both ARE making fools of your husband and his girlfriend. I don't know how the MM can look your husband in the eyes...Considering they're friends and all. Just a s***ty thing to do, and when he finds out, don't you think that he WILL feel like you both made a fool of him??? Go read other replies in the ow/om section.
Presario Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I understand your point but I don't think the om feels that way about my husband. They are friends as well. You never know what the OM really thinks. You have got a proof that he's capable of deceit. Maybe he's deceiving you too. Maybe you don't know this, but for a man any other man is an enemy who can take his woman. Your husband thinks that you are faithful and loyal to him, while the OM knows that yout husband is wrong. The OM is in a superior position and it makes him feel good. If I were the OM I would be quietly proud that I outwit my enemy.
Sup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Presario I understand your point but I don't think the om feels that way about my husband. They are friends as well. We both realize that we made a mistake and I think the last thing he wants to do is make a fool of my husband. When he is with his wife/girlfriend I don't feel like she is a fool. If anything I feel bad that we deceived her. The only thing I have ever thought about his relationship with his GF was I wonder just how happy he really is if he has strayed. And Im sure he has thought the same of my relationship. It almost looks like you hope he did stray, to justify OM.(just from the looks of it) You need to tell hubby all this, before it's too late.
Bryanp Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I am sorry but the OM is no friend of your husband. A friend of your husband does not have secrets with his friend's wife and kiss his friend's wife behind his back. The OM has shown he has no honor when it comes to your husband. The OM flirted with his best friend's wife, kisses her behind his back and then goes on vacation with them. The reality is that he continues to make a fool out of your husband. The really sad part is that you also continue to make a fool out of your husband because you refuse to be honorable to tell your husband the truth which he deserves. Your husband continues to believe that his best friend is a true and loyal friend and his wife is an honest wife who respects him by always telling him the truth and not lusting over another man. How sad that your husband is wrong on both counts. I know this sounds harsh but unfortunately it is indeed the truth.
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 What's even sadder is, neither of them feel they're making a fool of him. I feel for your husband - One day soon, when he finds out about you and his bestfriend - Be prepared for the fallout. The consquences of your actions, the hurt, the anger, the HATE he'll feel for both of you - And then, once he tells your MM's wife, it will get worse. Any kids involved?? Well, add them into the mix, which is just as awful as they are INNOCENT in all this mess. Lives will be turned upside down and life won't be the same, ever. So, when that happens, don't try to justify it, or make it his fault, or your MM's wife's fault. Be accountable for your actions and take the heat when it comes your way. WAKE UP! Can you see the consquences of your actions yet? Please, think about what you're doing and stop being so selfish.
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 There has been a miss understanding some where along the way. The OM is my best friend and is associated to my husband threw me only. They have become friends over the last few years but I am the one that has been friends with the OM for the last 20. the Om's loyalitys lie with me I do not think about the fall out becuase there will not be any. I trust the OM with my life and we are the only two that know about all of this. He will not tell and I will not tell. It doesn't go any further then us. Just a reminder that it was a kiss only - not that a kiss is ok it is still cheating but we did not take it any further then that. I still disagree with the fool aspect as I think we were both caught up in a moment - not a good excuss. I made a decission to kiss him and now I have to deal with that. I did not realize the point below but I understand it. QUOTE PRESAIRO Maybe you don't know this, but for a man any other man is an enemy who can take his woman. Your husband thinks that you are faithful and loyal to him, while the OM knows that yout husband is wrong. The OM is in a superior position and it makes him feel good. If I were the OM I would be quietly proud that I outwit my enemy. I kind of understand this sick thinking because it makes sense to me. I was kind of feeling proud that a younger very attractive man was attracted to me and showing me such attention. It made me feel good about myself it made me feel disirable. Presario could be vary right on that point more so then I ever thought.
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 There has been a miss understanding some where along the way. The OM is my best friend and is associated to my husband threw me only. They have become friends over the last few years but I am the one that has been friends with the OM for the last 20. the Om's loyalitys lie with me I do not think about the fall out becuase there will not be any. I trust the OM with my life and we are the only two that know about all of this. He will not tell and I will not tell. It doesn't go any further then us. Just a reminder that it was a kiss only - not that a kiss is ok it is still cheating but we did not take it any further then that. I still disagree with the fool aspect as I think we were both caught up in a moment - not a good excuss. I made a decission to kiss him and now I have to deal with that. I did not realize the point below but I understand it. QUOTE PRESAIRO Maybe you don't know this, but for a man any other man is an enemy who can take his woman. Your husband thinks that you are faithful and loyal to him, while the OM knows that yout husband is wrong. The OM is in a superior position and it makes him feel good. If I were the OM I would be quietly proud that I outwit my enemy. I kind of understand this sick thinking because it makes sense to me. I was kind of feeling proud that a younger very attractive man was attracted to me and showing me such attention. It made me feel good about myself it made me feel disirable. Presario could be vary right on that point more so then I ever thought.
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Your husband has faith and TRUST you in to have such a close friendship with his blessing with this OM. So, you are going behind his back and whether or not you see it as 'making a fool of your husband' or not, the issue still is, you are abusing HIS TRUST in you! If a friendship forms between a man and a woman - and the spouses are OK with it - That means they have absolute FAITH that neither of you are going to cross that line and let anything happen. So, your husband's trust in you is being taken advantage of. He's clueless... The fact that your OM is a 'friend' to him, (I guess I misunderstood about the bestfriend thing) and bedding his wife is just plain wrong. Your husband obviously trusts him enough to be around you and not worry that he'll be making moves on his wife...Ha, he's wrong!
Presario Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Gemini1975, I think you are on a way to have an affair with the OM for three reasons. First, you are confident that he will keep your secrets, and so you may hope you SOs will never know about an affair. Second, you desire each other. Third, I guess you don't think your actions hurt your SOs. Would you agree that keeping the kiss as a scret you keep your options open to have an affair later?
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 Whichwayisup- yes my husband does trust me and I do trust him as well. You are right that I am vary lucky that my H is so understanding of my friendship with OM. as for this coment "and bedding his wife is just plain wrong" we have not done that. Nor do I plan on it. I have betrayed my husbands trust by kissing the OM - I will not deny that. But I do belive that I will not betray his trust again. So if I am making a promise to myself not to betray his trust again do you think It is a good idea to tell him about a kiss? If I tell him he will not trust me again - I maybe don't deserve his trust after what I have done, however him not trusting me could send our relationship into a downward spiral. I know in my heart I will not do it again. Another thing do you really belive that my H will belive me that It was only a kiss or do you think he will think about it over and over and over and let his imagination run wild? PRESARIO - I do agree that keeping the kiss a secret does leave options open becuase neither of us has had to deal with any real consicuences. (bad speller). On your first point - confident that he will keep it a secret - I agree he would. On your second point - We do desire each other. On your third point - I know my actions would not hurt our SO's but absoulutley distroy them. My H would be devistated I am vary aware of that. Your third point is what keeps this all real... So on the first and second point - that is why I am here posting looking for advice. How do I stop desire?
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 On your second point - We do desire each other. This is why you need to tell him about the kiss. If was just an accident, a kiss, a ONE TIME THING, no big deal, then I would say don't tell him...But, the fact that you have feelings for another man, and he for you, you desire him too - That is dangerous. You two should not be spending ANY alone time together! You're tempting fate by doing that. The fact you're very aware of the devastation and consquences, is good. So, to help you detach from him, go to counselling for yourself. Learn how to let go, and focus that energy into your marriage. For starters, try your best NOT to cross the lines or even think about him sexually. Push the feelings away- Don't fantasize about him, at all. It's like a habit - those thoughts CAN be discouraged by distraction.
Sup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 If it was your hubby who kissed another woman, and had feelings, wouldn't YOU want to know? What would YOU think?
Presario Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 How do I stop desire? I don't think you can without telling your husband the secrets. You say your husband will not trust you and you are right. But his lack of trust can help you recover from your crush. You will see how hurt he is which will help you understand him better. In the long run your husband will appreciate your honesty and his trust will rebuild stronger and justified. My wife met a friend for a cup of coffee. They had some nice time and at the end of the meeting the guy managed to kiss my wife on the lips. My wife was taken aback because she expected a friendly cheek kiss. When she got back home she told me what happened, and I was OK with it. Because of this incident I trust my wife more, because she told me the truth right away. She knew I can be upset, but she chose to tell the truth.
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