sirjay Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Hi my GF of 3 years broke up with me a couple of months ago and I have only recently started NC, having had a messy and drawn out breakup. We had a rich relationship and there are many things that remind me of her. Some of the stuff is impossible for me to avoid. We also tend to cross paths unavoidably. My question is this: if a certain place or whatever has associations for your ex and triggers painful memories, is it possible to eventually "wipe" those associations by revisiting the place or whatever without the person and building new memories there? Or as time goes on, do the triggers become less intense? Because I want to move on and I can't avoid all this stuff!
Numbheart Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Hi my GF of 3 years broke up with me a couple of months ago and I have only recently started NC, having had a messy and drawn out breakup. We had a rich relationship and there are many things that remind me of her. Some of the stuff is impossible for me to avoid. We also tend to cross paths unavoidably. My question is this: if a certain place or whatever has associations for your ex and triggers painful memories, is it possible to eventually "wipe" those associations by revisiting the place or whatever without the person and building new memories there? Or as time goes on, do the triggers become less intense? Because I want to move on and I can't avoid all this stuff! Yes to both questions...it is possible within time, wether the associations are ever "completly wiped" I will doubt very much, but they do get MUCH easier to handle, especially if you keep re-visting locations, etc either by your own need to do so, or by circumstances. A good every day example is my own house, how many relationships within it?....I do not associate any particular room with anyone from my past now, but if I thought back, I could do....well actually, there is one room I do at the moment due to it being recent and the entire reason that I met her, but it will pass.
Author sirjay Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 hey, thanks for the reply. thats good news! its terrible right now because just seeing the name of the area she lives or hearing about festivals (a passion of hers), or going to launch parties is enough to make me reminisce and be miserable. I wonder how long it will take, with a lot of exposure to those things on a daily basis...
Numbheart Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I wonder how long it will take, with a lot of exposure to those things on a daily basis... I dunno?...I suppose its down to the individual? If its on a daily basis then it should be quite quick, we associate places more with memories if the places are not often re-visited, otherwise its just a place with too many memories to associate one inparticular. Spooky, because I did exactly this yesterday, I was again in a real relapse, needed something to do, so drove to a place where we first kissed, expecting it to make me really upset when I got there.....yet it did not, drove past a couple of times and then thought, damm now I've gotta drive all the way home again!!
Author sirjay Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 Yeah, you're right. I want to study up on this stuff out of general interest. Just wondering what to google for. I mean, we are talking about Pavlovian - type responses here I suppose. Its something that should be of interest to anyone who needs to move on since those types of reminders affect us all. i will see what i can dig up...
chocolate_boy Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Yes I can promise, it does pass! When I split with my last gf everywhere reminded me of her, as she was always at my apartment, so all my local diners, cafes, stores, bars all had memories of us, the places we went everyday, heck the bar we met in is opposite my apartment! Being single for a while I didnt visit the restraunts as has no one to go with, and even visiting my local pitta--bread store was sad cos we would eat in there few times a week, I'd walk past the travel agent where we booked out holidays, and all the time I'd be sad cos last time I was there was with her. Then one day I realised that this is MY neighborhood, and before I met her I knew all these places and had been in them, so I had memories of myself with other people in there, it wasn't exclusively me and her, yeah sure if that cafe was where we ate lunch most days, think back two years, I'd go there with my best buddy every day... If I thought of that I could quite easily go in! Great thing was, my buddy wanted to get some food in the city before a night out last week, he loves this italian restraunt, and I have never been with him.. the reason? It was the place my ex and I broke up! Last time I saw her was her running out of there crying and getting into a cab... bad, he always asks me if I want to go, I haven't given him a reason, just no don't like the food. Anyway last Thurs I agree to go with him, thinking I'm over her now it'll be ok, I need to face this place again, and bizarrely it's a huge place, seats about 800 people... and we were given the SAME TABLE my ex and I broke up over.. I even sat in the same seat... and you know what... Didn't bother me in the slightest, didn't feel sad, didn't get upset, didnt put a downer on my night at all, I went out and had an awesome night. It all feels like that was a different me, like a past life or something. So there's my little story, it does pass thankfully, you just need to get over them and get new associations with these places.
andyp6 Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I just want to say that thats a really positive post..it will help a lot of us going through exactly the same problem, thanks!! Andy
patwheel Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Time will only help... I was in your situation also, like a lot of people here. Almost 3 years together, lived together for 2, and her moving out and be with someone else within a month. We moved in my current apartment together, so my apartment is filled of memories with her. There are reminders of her everywhere I step, from the little scratch on the walls to the couch and bed where we used to be together. At first, I didnt want to be here anymore, move out, memories hurting me everytime I would look at something. Moreover, I am not from this city, moved from a different country, and she was my guide, and I discovered the city with her. I could not go anywhere without thinking, "that's where I used to..." So many memories, thoughts of good times, but at one point, you will realize just like I did, that this is your brain screwing with you. Remember its called a break up for a reason! Only time will make that cloud disappear, and you will soon become rational again. Breaking up is a painful and time consuming process, but eventually you will come out stronger and better than before, if and only if you take the time and energy. You will see a lot of post saying, take this time to better yourself, focus on yourself, and nothing else, well it is so true. We cannot think rationally duing that period of time, but we all come out of it. Today, I am better than ever. Completed a marathon, had a quick fling to forget about the ex and gain my mojo back, and realize that all of my fear of being in places where I used to be with her was pointless, and that I love this town more than ever now. I used to be almost scared to run into her! But now, who cares? And, yes NC for 7 months now, ever since the break up, and dont plan to contact her again. Be good to yourself and gain your self-esteem back. You will never be able to wipe those memories with your ex, but you will learn to be able to look back and not get emotional, and just smile. Forgive, not forget my friend!
chocolate_boy Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Patwheel, As we were breaking up at the same time last fall, glad you too are once enjoying life again and over it my friend. Let us be an inspiration to everyone who's suffering Mad to think its been 7-8 months, another few and that'll be a year, time does go quick when you're enjoying yourself.
Recommended Posts