Maybebabies? Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We discussed having children this weekend and although our communication is good, there has been a breakdown recently in knowing where the relationship has been going. I felt he wasnt ready to have children, all he had said to me before was he was concerned Id want children before him, I am actually not fixed in my ideas at all, and said i was open to discussing this in a few years. Because he sold it to me as he was concerned i would want it first, i was ready to not consider this until he was more settled in his career. Since then, hed been going out drinking a lot, he'd been arranging weekends away without me - not a problem in itself, but i felt things were changing and he was withdrawing mentally from me. When i discussed this with him, he said that he wasnt sure he was ready for a relationship and he just wanted to do what HE wanted to do. This has been happening for 6 months - when i asked him if he was sure i was the one he wanted to spend his life with, hed always said he couldnt think in those terms. This weekend, i asked him that for the first time in 6 months, and he said 'yes'. When i explained it would be natural to want independance while seeking to understand how hes making lifelong commitments, having some resistance would be normal as its a frightening mental adjustment, i asked him if it was a phase and he said he felt it was, and there was something that was triggering it - that he wanted me to agree to have children. This shocked me, as he was doing everything that would make me not want children with him. I thought he was worried that id want them first, and a selfish person who wants to do what he wants doesnt make a good father. He said the new selfish attitude would end if he knew that we were going forwards. I said Id agree to having children with him, and despite me never wanting them before, for the first time i really do feel excited about the prospect of parenthood. I stuck with it because his attitudes didnt ring true, i FELT he loved me, but he wasnt giving me his all. I need to confirm this with him, but i am assuming its because i wasnt assurring him i wanted his children. I am a bit unsettled by how this has arisen - I need to ask him about lots of things - any thoughts?
Guest Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We discussed having children this weekend and although our communication is good, there has been a breakdown recently in knowing where the relationship has been going. I felt he wasnt ready to have children, all he had said to me before was he was concerned Id want children before him, I am actually not fixed in my ideas at all, and said i was open to discussing this in a few years. Because he sold it to me as he was concerned i would want it first, i was ready to not consider this until he was more settled in his career. Since then, hed been going out drinking a lot, he'd been arranging weekends away without me - not a problem in itself, but i felt things were changing and he was withdrawing mentally from me. When i discussed this with him, he said that he wasnt sure he was ready for a relationship and he just wanted to do what HE wanted to do. This has been happening for 6 months - when i asked him if he was sure i was the one he wanted to spend his life with, hed always said he couldnt think in those terms. This weekend, i asked him that for the first time in 6 months, and he said 'yes'. When i explained it would be natural to want independance while seeking to understand how hes making lifelong commitments, having some resistance would be normal as its a frightening mental adjustment, i asked him if it was a phase and he said he felt it was, and there was something that was triggering it - that he wanted me to agree to have children. This shocked me, as he was doing everything that would make me not want children with him. I thought he was worried that id want them first, and a selfish person who wants to do what he wants doesnt make a good father. He said the new selfish attitude would end if he knew that we were going forwards. I said Id agree to having children with him, and despite me never wanting them before, for the first time i really do feel excited about the prospect of parenthood. I stuck with it because his attitudes didnt ring true, i FELT he loved me, but he wasnt giving me his all. I need to confirm this with him, but i am assuming its because i wasnt assurring him i wanted his children. I am a bit unsettled by how this has arisen - I need to ask him about lots of things - any thoughts? He sounds very immature and like he doesn't know what he wants. If he wants the relationship to 'move forward' why is he going out drinking and arranging weekends without you?
MaybeBabies Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 He sounds very immature and like he doesn't know what he wants. If he wants the relationship to 'move forward' why is he going out drinking and arranging weekends without you? Thats how i felt, he was doing everything to prevent us moving forward until I had enough and said he either told me what was going on, or he go and be as selfish as he wants on his lonesome. He has now stopped with this attitude. Its been a fortnight, and the old him seems to be back. He said he was preventing himself getting hurt by starting to remove himself from the relationship as he was convinced i didnt want kids. I have to say, i wasnt exactly clear on my position, but neither was he and I have learned that does noone a favour clear honesty is the only way forwards I do feel less unsettled now, i think part of my issue was i wasnt convinced that hed change 'just like that', but it seems to be the case that the children question was causing him some withdrawal and reevaluation.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 I realy hate to see children brought into unstable enviroments. It kills me because so many are. From reading your post, I caught a few things, please correct me if I'm wrong. The last six months hes been engaging in activities that does not include you. He's been out drinking (which sounds a bit immature) It is one thing to go out for a good time every now and then, but from what I'm reading he is doing this often, more often than usual. You guys arn't married, hence you calling him your "partner" am I correct? I am not saying this in a judgement tone, it just sounds to me like you guys havn't really commited to each other completely. He sounds a bit reserved by telling you he wasn't sure if he wanted to spend the rest of his life w/you. That statement in itself is not anything all that bad, but add in the fact that you guys have been together for 3 years!! THen out of the blue, after telling you all this, decides he wants to have kids?? This man sounds a bit fickle. Think of it this way... You guys have the unique opportunity to plan your children!! I say unique because so many (myself included) become pregnant w/out warning. You really want to make sure you guys are ready to become parents and provide a loving home for you child. I wish I would have had this option. Also, if he keeps going out as he has, you don't want to be stuck at home changing diapers and soothing a fussy baby while he is out having fun. Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever have to do and is to be taken very seriously. It isn't a question like "hey baby, you want to get a dog?" or "which restaurant you want to go to tonight" it's a life long commitment and JMO one you do not want to have to do alone. My advice or suggestion would be to settle and establish a strong relationship before bringing children into it.
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