Complicated

[9out10]

Hi, first, thanks for your reply. I am 47 and married for 19 years with a child , 7.

My husband is a very dificult man, and we grew apart since my son was born. He is

very abusive emotionaly, calls me names and makes always derogatory comments about

me. This is going on for years. I had a crsuh on somebody at the office for years and

all of a sudden I entered this affair, he is married , 2 children, and he claims his

wife treats him basicaly the same my hisband treats me

[Blind Illusion]

I'm in a similar situation as you, with the same type of marriage. It's a difficult thing when you are hearing negative remarks 24/7 and along comes someone even remotely different. Its like someone had this bag of negativity constantly over your head, suffocating you & as you gasp for air, along comes someone throwing you just that.

 

The only problem is, (or at least it was for me) that the feelings and confused thoughts for this other man just introduced new problems into my life. (and some happy moments too, so I guess, at least the was some type of trade-off as opposed to my marriage where the only good thing that came out of that are my children). The only thing is that I ended up with 2 men that caused me anguish but for very different reasons. In a way, how stupid is that ???

 

I guess I really don't have ant great words of advice for you. All I can offer you is words that I can understand how this all came about for you.

 

One last thing: You mention wanting to leave your husband for years. I will mention that my own experience with being with a MM for over 6 years might have helped me not to do that sooner. (affairs are like band-aids for bad marriages and allow them to fester on longer because you look towards them for some relief). On the other hand, I did gain some confidence with this affair so even though the affair isn't as strong any longer, I AM! I am preparing to end my marriage now more than ever before. It can go either way, I guess.

 

One Really Last thing: I never like to speak across the board but sometimes, at least I noticed, that "our" definition of a bad marriage is just a tad bit more accurate than "theirs" can be. I am not saying there aren't problems in his union...it just might not be quite as dire as yours. Just something to tuck away in your mind.

[Guest]

I know emotional abusive behavior all to well, its been going on for 12 years in my case.

I am not one to give advice, but please know this. Their insecurity, low self-esteem, and self hated of themselves makes them behave this way. When our husbands belittle us, it makes them feel better about themselves, in their eyes, someone is worse then them. Far from the truth, but in their twisted mind, this is it. They have to love themselves before they can truely love us. And, this is the preception from them. If you were to ask ANYONE else, we would not be considered bitches, stupid, or incompetent.

 

Thats my take on it. Anyone else agree??

[Guest]

Hi, thanks for your reply, I can tell you I can feel your pain. The one thing I agree the most with you is that, the situation its a stupid one and don't know how to get out of it. Why would one want to be in a marriage like this to begin with, and second why would one recurse to having a relationship with a MM which really complicates things more ?

[Guest]

You know, you sound so smart and put together, well anyone can put anything on paper and be somebody else but you have it right and you know it. My heart breakes into pieces when I think of my little one, he is so attached to his father and I feel like putting my needs before him which if you ahve enought selflove why not ? I figure there are other reasons to still be there.

[Guest]

Hi, I read my last post and first, I wanted to thank you for your insight, second when I said 'well anyone can put anything on paper' meant for me not for you because that happens to me all the time, hope you didn't get offended.

Thanks again.