can it ever be truly platonic for a man?

May 15, 2006

I lasted all but a day with the last resolution to cut off contact with my single guy friend. I'm married and I've posted here before that I have deep feelings for him.

He has continued to email and I him. It's always platonic in subject. I feel at times he may have feelings other than friendship but he really gives no other indication that it's more than friendship. It's just my wishful thinking I believe because he has yet to do a single thing that could be construed as wrong or overstepping a boundary.

We don't discuss my marital problems or anything personal of that nature. He tells me about past relationships he's had once in awhile but he's single and so that isn't improper. We talk about writing (our hobbies) and we talk about how our day is going. Just about life in general. In all honestly, we sort of talk like a couple that has been married for 20 years where there is just a friendship and mundane conversation. But the conversation and friendship mean a lot to me obviously and if that is the way it stays forever I will resign to having that and I will NEVER make a move for it to become something else unless my husband and I finally decide to divorce.

I've already had the "You should stop this and get marriage counseling" responses so anymore wouldn't do any good. And without reading our daily coorespondences I'm sure others cannot judge from just this post. But my question is... in anyone's personal experience ...can a man just email like this daily with a woman even though he writes platonically (he doesn't prod for personal information about my marriage) without having more than friendship on the mind?

I always believed in the "When Harry Met Sally" theory but with this guy I'm not so sure any longer. I've never had this experience or type of friendship with a man while married so I have no clue what to think.

May 15, 2006

Can you provide more detail about your situation? It is difficult to analyze/respond based on your post.

May 15, 2006

I think he can treat you as just a friend, if you are not together at all. If he has time to write emails or other types of internet messages, you are probably great to talk to. When he finds a girlfriend, he probably won't have very much time anymore.

If you've already crossed the line into something else, then he should probably leave you alone. He shouldn't be interfering in your marriage.

May 15, 2006

my experience (when i was a much-younger woman!) is that men pursue the women they want. your post doesn't indicate he's done very much that's inappropriate. perhaps he's keeping distance from you because he's not interested in a married woman.

i'm not trying to be mean but is it possible that this relationship is in your head? it could be a diversion from your marriage and nothing else. look at what he provides for you-- fun or intimacy or attention. you don't say much about your marriage, only that it needs something that you're not getting. either some work or a divorce.

May 15, 2006

I always believed in the "When Harry Met Sally" theory but with this guy I'm not so sure any longer. I've never had this experience or type of friendship with a man while married so I have no clue what to think.

Are you kidding? When Harry Met Sally is 96 minutes of sexual tension disguised as a platonic friendship because they 'say so'... Or, is it more like a 1930's movie where the sexual tension is there, but it's shown by merely a touch on the arm during a conversation... or an email that doesn't talk about 'sex', but all else that is personal...????

Okay, yes, you can email like this forever if you like, but it sounds like it's just a long-winded prelude - what to, is up to you both.

There's a level of comfort and 'constant' you get from each other, and that's great. But, if you were getting that from your husband, you wouldn't be needing it or facilitating it elsewhere, and if you're getting it elsewhere but not from your husband, then it indicates it's a need in you that your husband is not meeting.

So, your question.. is it able to continue to be platonic? Well, you tell us. Is 'platonic' because you haven't touched each other's skin before, or had a phone-sex phone call yet? Platonic means it transcends physical desire. So, do you talk to him like you do a girlfriend, and does he make you feel the way a girlfriend sharing the same exercise with you would make you feel?

In my opinion, it sounds like an emotional affair, but only in a very 'safe' manner - one where you can say "well, it's not this, so it must be that".

If you never got an email from him again, how would you feel?

There's a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is 'the bible' on infidelity if you are the cheater (or, in your case, the married person), or the betrayed spouse. It's a good read for any OW or OM, but only in so far as it educates you on the situation as a whole - where do these relationships come from... why... what happens after 'revelation' etc.

It might be a few bucks you could spend that will teach you a lot about yourself, your relationships with both this man and your H. And, it might help you figure out your answers before, by default, you are "in too deep" or left to figure them out with many more questions than you have now left unanswered.

The fact that you're here, posting, and asking, makes me want to ask you - really, deep down... not just the picture you want to try and paint and figure, if you can make us believe it, then maybe you can convince yourself, too.... the truth. What is it you really get from this man? Why do you want it? Why do you encourage it? Where do YOU think it can go from here?

I accept that your H might not fulfil every single need in you - that's a big ask for one person, and shows no level of compromise from someone who expects that... but, if it's purely "platonic"... do you tell your H about this man and the emails? Do you share them with him?

I'm not insinuating anything... but trying to prompt you to not excuse yourself by defining it as platonic.. when the fact that you're in an OW/OM forum indicates you already suspect, if not know... it's not.

May 15, 2006

Can you provide more detail about your situation? It is difficult to analyze/respond based on your post.

Hi, I just didn't want to take up so much of people's time by a LONG post. My Husband and I have had marital problems for three years. I've left him before but gave it another try. Now he's in counselling for his "problems" and I was standing by hoping the spark came back after what he did. So, then my father was terminally ill and this shared guyfriend of ours decided to email me and offer exact phrase "a shoulder and ear" to me about my sorrows and fears and such about impending death. He went through something similiar. But conversation went the other way and way less in the sympathy route. We started talking about writing and sharing writing with one another and he is always complimenting me as "the most insightful person he's ever met" and I'm passionate about the things I love (hobbies and my pets) and he says that he's a loner and tries to stay that way but associations with me make that difficult.

Other than that he stays in the "just a casual friend" zone.

And then my father passed away and I figured the coorespondence (although we didn't talk about dad much anymore) would end but it didn't. He doesn't write elaborate emails ...we write short ones back and forth a couple times a day when we can fit in time. But what he writes is always a conversation starter or continues it as are mine. I don't sense it stopping or that he wants it to stop.

He comes over to the house on weekends with the other guyfriends of ours and he always gives me a lot of attention. There are many times when we are alone together or alienated from everyone else.

I guess I'm really considered a good friend to him now. Sorry this is long but I don't know how else to explain it but lengthy!

May 15, 2006

I think he can treat you as just a friend, if you are not together at all. If he has time to write emails or other types of internet messages, you are probably great to talk to. When he finds a girlfriend, he probably won't have very much time anymore.

If you've already crossed the line into something else, then he should probably leave you alone. He shouldn't be interfering in your marriage.

What I consider crossing the line ...I'm new at this emotional affair situation so I don't know what that would constitute. I've not made any suggestions of a sexual or romantic way. We compliment each other as people often. We have a very intellectual bond with all our similiar interests. We're both writers. But there is affection, caring, and concern on his part that I'm sure of. For me ...there is flat out attraction, caring, concern, and truthfully, I'm in love with him.

May 15, 2006

*****
There's a level of comfort and 'constant' you get from each other, and that's great. But, if you were getting that from your husband, you wouldn't be needing it or facilitating it elsewhere, and if you're getting it elsewhere but not from your husband, then it indicates it's a need in you that your husband is not meeting.

****
So, your question.. is it able to continue to be platonic? Well, you tell us. Is 'platonic' because you haven't touched each other's skin before, or had a phone-sex phone call yet? Platonic means it transcends physical desire. So, do you talk to him like you do a girlfriend, and does he make you feel the way a girlfriend sharing the same exercise with you would make you feel?

****
In my opinion, it sounds like an emotional affair, but only in a very 'safe' manner - one where you can say "well, it's not this, so it must be that".

If you never got an email from him again, how would you feel?

*****

The fact that you're here, posting, and asking, makes me want to ask you - really, deep down... not just the picture you want to try and paint and figure, if you can make us believe it, then maybe you can convince yourself, too.... the truth. What is it you really get from this man? Why do you want it? Why do you encourage it? Where do YOU think it can go from here?

****
I accept that your H might not fulfil every single need in you - that's a big ask for one person, and shows no level of compromise from someone who expects that... but, if it's purely "platonic"... do you tell your H about this man and the emails? Do you share them with him?

I'm not insinuating anything... but trying to prompt you to not excuse yourself by defining it as platonic.. when the fact that you're in an OW/OM forum indicates you already suspect, if not know... it's not.

I cut out the parts of your response that didn't expect an answer ...etc...hope you don't mind. I'm replying to what I left above:

I don't get a single thing I need from my husband...that's completely the issue. I left my husband for a temporary period and within the week he moved a woman in. Not a woman...a 19 year old girl and he was 29. Somehow, I forgave him and assumed what he said was true...that they didn't have an affair prior to my leaving him. Now, I know I was an idiot but I went ahead and went back to him when he booted her. Long story. Now he has an addiction to porn on the net so he's going to therapy over it. THe addiction is a true one ...not typical guy looking at porn once in a while but daily... He would look at it several hours after having sex with me.

So, in a nutshell...we have major problems that I don't see ever being fixed. We are no longer intimate and live like roommates. He has this desire to fix things but I feel resigned. It's complicated right now.

This OM comes over and is our shared friend. He takes more of a personal association with me and as he works with my husband they have more of a working relationship. The fact he comes over at all is he's lonely and I'm warm and friendly as well as the other guyfriends we invite over along with him. So, we've touched but in a friendly manner. He was never touchy guy with anyone but he's come around with me. He even hugged me two days ago after not seeing me for a few weeks after I attended my dad's funeral. It was a major gesture from an untouchy man like him but I understand it was sympathtic and friendly. I know he cares a LOT about me. He ordered a large flower arrangement for the service. We are definitely caring friends.

But I wouldn't consider him a girlfriend at all. We don't talk about my marital problems. We talk about each other as who we are inside. We talk intellectually (we're both writers) and we talk about how our day is going. It's comfortable conversation and doesn't cross boundaries except he compliments me as a person quite a bit. He has a point of view of me that I'm on this pedestal. I can't explain it. But he never says "I want a woman like you" or "you are the perfect woman" ..he says things more as a person and not a woman.

Oh, I make no bones about my affection for him. Oh yes ...I'm in love with him. I was unclear ...I'm asking about him ...as a man cooresponding this way with a married woman...can that ever be truly platonic in nature? For me? I'm not asking if I'm platonic. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. That is why I'm posting here and posted here before about this situation. I'm definitely having an emotional affair but what OM is having...I don't know. I guess he feels friendship and I want more although I know that isn't possible.

And yes, my husband knows we email but he has no idea what about. he doesn't question them. I tell him little things here and there (to alleviate suspicion) but I have a feeling if I shared them with him he'd probably feel weird. I think that although the OM is writing probably friendly in nature...his compliments and closeness to me woudl probably offend my husband.

As for what I write to him? That as well. So, no he doesn't read them but yes he knows we have an email coorespondence. OM however, did tell the husband he was going to email me months ago about my dad and my situation with his terminial illness...but as for how the emails have continued daily...husband told me that he was shocked we were emailing because OM has never mentioned emailing me on a regular basis. Just that one time months ago. But I think that OM is very overly concious of how things look and I think he doesn't want my husband to get the wrong idea about HIS intentions.

Thank you so much about the book suggestion. I will definitely consider it and will check it out on amazon. Thanks for everyone's replies. I appreciate it.

May 15, 2006

my experience (when i was a much-younger woman!) is that men pursue the women they want. your post doesn't indicate he's done very much that's inappropriate. perhaps he's keeping distance from you because he's not interested in a married woman.

i'm not trying to be mean but is it possible that this relationship is in your head? it could be a diversion from your marriage and nothing else. look at what he provides for you-- fun or intimacy or attention. you don't say much about your marriage, only that it needs something that you're not getting. either some work or a divorce.

You are probably right that he's not interested but he's the one that started/initiated contact. If that isn't some type of interest I don't know what is. But I believe in that...if there is doubt then it's probably just friendship. So, I guess what he feels is platonic. What I feel isn't.

May 15, 2006

So, I guess what he feels is platonic.

No it's not, trust me.

You two have a deep connection, he doesn't need sexual come ons or pick up lines because you get along well naturally.

this is my list of what I think happens in EAs

1. underestimating how much the other person feels

2. persistent infatuation - goes on much longer than in other relationships

3. develops unintentionally

4. feeling like you're soulmates

5. wild emotional swings

6. much more to say to OM/OW than spouse

May 15, 2006

I cut out the parts of your response that didn't expect an answer ...etc...hope you don't mind. I'm replying to what I left above:

I don't get a single thing I need from my husband...that's completely the issue. I left my husband for a temporary period and within the week he moved a woman in. Not a woman...a 19 year old girl and he was 29. Somehow, I forgave him and assumed what he said was true...that they didn't have an affair prior to my leaving him. Now, I know I was an idiot but I went ahead and went back to him when he booted her. Long story. Now he has an addiction to porn on the net so he's going to therapy over it. THe addiction is a true one ...not typical guy looking at porn once in a while but daily... He would look at it several hours after having sex with me.

So, in a nutshell...we have major problems that I don't see ever being fixed. We are no longer intimate and live like roommates. He has this desire to fix things but I feel resigned. It's complicated right now.

This OM comes over and is our shared friend. He takes more of a personal association with me and as he works with my husband they have more of a working relationship. The fact he comes over at all is he's lonely and I'm warm and friendly as well as the other guyfriends we invite over along with him. So, we've touched but in a friendly manner. He was never touchy guy with anyone but he's come around with me. He even hugged me two days ago after not seeing me for a few weeks after I attended my dad's funeral. It was a major gesture from an untouchy man like him but I understand it was sympathtic and friendly. I know he cares a LOT about me. He ordered a large flower arrangement for the service. We are definitely caring friends.
But I wouldn't consider him a girlfriend at all. We don't talk about my marital problems. We talk about each other as who we are inside. We talk intellectually (we're both writers) and we talk about how our day is going. It's comfortable conversation and doesn't cross boundaries except he compliments me as a person quite a bit. He has a point of view of me that I'm on this pedestal. I can't explain it. But he never says "I want a woman like you" or "you are the perfect woman" ..he says things more as a person and not a woman.

Oh, I make no bones about my affection for him. Oh yes ...I'm in love with him. I was unclear ...I'm asking about him ...as a man cooresponding this way with a married woman...can that ever be truly platonic in nature? For me? I'm not asking if I'm platonic. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. That is why I'm posting here and posted here before about this situation. I'm definitely having an emotional affair but what OM is having...I don't know. I guess he feels friendship and I want more although I know that isn't possible.

And yes, my husband knows we email but he has no idea what about. he doesn't question them. I tell him little things here and there (to alleviate suspicion) but I have a feeling if I shared them with him he'd probably feel weird. I think that although the OM is writing probably friendly in nature...his compliments and closeness to me woudl probably offend my husband.

As for what I write to him? That as well. So, no he doesn't read them but yes he knows we have an email coorespondence. OM however, did tell the husband he was going to email me months ago about my dad and my situation with his terminial illness...but as for how the emails have continued daily...husband told me that he was shocked we were emailing because OM has never mentioned emailing me on a regular basis. Just that one time months ago. But I think that OM is very overly concious of how things look and I think he doesn't want my husband to get the wrong idea about HIS intentions.

Thank you so much about the book suggestion. I will definitely consider it and will check it out on amazon. Thanks for everyone's replies. I appreciate it.

Based on what you've described, my guess is that he has similar feelings for you but has not moved too far on them because 1. he has a shy personality and 2. knows you are married and sees you as off-limits.

Can a man have a platonic relationship with a MW? Sure. I do. But, it sounds like he acts differently with/around you than he does with his other friends. And, the frequency of your correspondence with him combined with the fact that neither of you have been overly forthright with H about it makes me wonder.

You said you love him. Are you really hoping that he loves you also, or are you hoping that he truly wants to be at arm's length?

May 15, 2006

You say your husband went to counselling, but why didn't you? Did you two go to marriage counselling together in the past?

Seems in a way you're not inlove with your husband, you don't have much in common with him and you're consumed with thoughts of another man. You don't rely on your husband, you rely on the OM for so many needs. Whether or not the OM has feelings for you isn't really the issue, it's your feelings for him.

I think TM is right, the OM has feelings for you too, but seeing as your married, he probably is keeping his mouth shut so he can keep you as a friend.

May 15, 2006

But I believe in that...if there is doubt then it's probably just friendship. So, I guess what he feels is platonic. What I feel isn't.

Not necessarly. He could have feelings for you but as you are married he will not let himself cross the line. The fact that he has never made an overt jesture seems a little strange as even friends tease and flirt with each other but it is in fun. Since he stays in contact with you I would say he has an interest but he will not go beyond friends. Does he have a g/f that he ever talks about to you? If he doesn't and he stays close to you this is an indication that he feels for you and can't see a relationship with anyone else.

I think if you gave him hints that you like him beyond friendship he may respond but it will complicate your life as well as his. If you want a divorce you should make that decision regardless his feeling toward you. If things work out after that so be it but he is doing the right thing now in staying friends and no more.

May 15, 2006

Thank you for answering. I care so much about him. I wouldn't wish for anything to complicate or worsen his life. That is why I don't suggest anything about my feelings. I've tried to be bold enough to go through seperation and divorce but ended up going back. I hope the next time (hopefully soon) that I make the break I will finalize it and get divorced.

My life is a downward spiral and I don't care about my actions and what they do to me but I care about what my actions would do to him so I'd never go further. It's just this part of me that wants him to feel the same. Naturally I want that being that I have feelings for him.

I guess as my friend says...it's better to not know either way if he does or doesn't. Either way will lead to a broken heart for someone. Thanks again for your insight.

May 15, 2006

Not necessarly. He could have feelings for you but as you are married he will not let himself cross the line. The fact that he has never made an overt jesture seems a little strange as even friends tease and flirt with each other but it is in fun. Since he stays in contact with you I would say he has an interest but he will not go beyond friends. Does he have a g/f that he ever talks about to you? If he doesn't and he stays close to you this is an indication that he feels for you and can't see a relationship with anyone else.

I think if you gave him hints that you like him beyond friendship he may respond but it will complicate your life as well as his. If you want a divorce you should make that decision regardless his feeling toward you. If things work out after that so be it but he is doing the right thing now in staying friends and no more.

I wrote this before but forgot to log in and it didn't post. Luckily I used the back button and cut and pasted:

Thank you for answering. I care so much about him. I wouldn't wish for anything to complicate or worsen his life. That is why I don't suggest anything about my feelings. I've tried to be bold enough to go through seperation and divorce but ended up going back. I hope the next time (hopefully soon) that I make the break I will finalize it and get divorced.

My life is a downward spiral and I don't care about my actions and what they do to me but I care about what my actions would do to him so I'd never go further. It's just this part of me that wants him to feel the same. Naturally I want that being that I have feelings for him.

I guess as my friend says...it's better to not know either way if he does or doesn't. Either way will lead to a broken heart for someone. Thanks again for your insight.

May 15, 2006

Not necessarly. He could have feelings for you but as you are married he will not let himself cross the line. The fact that he has never made an overt jesture seems a little strange as even friends tease and flirt with each other but it is in fun. Since he stays in contact with you I would say he has an interest but he will not go beyond friends. Does he have a g/f that he ever talks about to you? If he doesn't and he stays close to you this is an indication that he feels for you and can't see a relationship with anyone else.

I think if you gave him hints that you like him beyond friendship he may respond but it will complicate your life as well as his. If you want a divorce you should make that decision regardless his feeling toward you. If things work out after that so be it but he is doing the right thing now in staying friends and no more.

Oh, and I also wanted to respond to your comment about lack of flirting and so on ...he is really concious of appearances and seems to be very, very cautious about what he says to me and how he says it and although he asked for my husband's okay to email me the first time months ago...he hasn't mentioned that he does it daily to my husband. He is very "secretive" ...he even ignored me once when we all went out to dinner together and feeling bad about it he emailed me and told me that the reason he was standoffish was that he didn't want to give the others the wrong idea about our friendship and closeness and that he knew it was a terrible thing to do.

He's a strange man. But that is why I like him so much. He's different. Unique.

May 15, 2006

Oh, and I also wanted to respond to your comment about lack of flirting and so on ...he is really concious of appearances and seems to be very, very cautious about what he says to me and how he says it and although he asked for my husband's okay to email me the first time months ago...he hasn't mentioned that he does it daily to my husband. He is very "secretive" ...he even ignored me once when we all went out to dinner together and feeling bad about it he emailed me and told me that the reason he was standoffish was that he didn't want to give the others the wrong idea about our friendship and closeness and that he knew it was a terrible thing to do.

He's a strange man. But that is why I like him so much. He's different. Unique.

Well it is obvious that he does care for you in that he respects you in many ways and is respectful of your marriage and your image around friends. Pretty rare these days. I have to give him a lot of credit! In many ways, he's very noble! I can see why you would become fond of him.

May 15, 2006

Well it is obvious that he does care for you in that he respects you in many ways and is respectful of your marriage and your image around friends. Pretty rare these days. I have to give him a lot of credit! In many ways, he's very noble! I can see why you would become fond of him.

It's the very aspect of him being noble, a gentleman, and over all full of integrity that has made me fall hard. And it's the very thing that makes him intangible. Go figure. This isn't the usual case of wanting what you can't have. This man is a good example of what a man at his best could be. I can't imagine why a woman hasn't roped him. So many have broken his heart and I think he's given up on us. Hence why he's befriending a married woman that is off limits. I can't break his heart. I'm a safe relationship.

May 15, 2006

You know, I have to give you a lot of credit as well. You could easily have pushed the envelope with this one, and I'm sure you really want to. But you have used restraint as well. This is like one of those romance novels where two people start out as friend and then suddenly something happens and there's all the denial and then the realization and...

Ah yes, romance. Where is it these days? lol! I can see exactly why you're falling hard for him. Although I don't think its a good idea for him to ignore you completely! That would be out of the norm too. Especially if your H knows you e-mail each other, he might be looking out for something going on, or for you looking at OM. And he might think it strange if he notices OM ignores you completely. Those are signs as well. "Friends" don't ignore friends completely in a social gathering.

May 15, 2006

You know, I have to give you a lot of credit as well. You could easily have pushed the envelope with this one, and I'm sure you really want to. But you have used restraint as well. This is like one of those romance novels where two people start out as friend and then suddenly something happens and there's all the denial and then the realization and...

Ah yes, romance. Where is it these days? lol! I can see exactly why you're falling hard for him. Although I don't think its a good idea for him to ignore you completely! That would be out of the norm too. Especially if your H knows you e-mail each other, he might be looking out for something going on, or for you looking at OM. And he might think it strange if he notices OM ignores you completely. Those are signs as well. "Friends" don't ignore friends completely in a social gathering.

I feel often silly and ridiculous entertaining any idea he sees something in me. I'm not unattractive and I'm intelligent. We relate on many things. He has a tremendous respect for me and so his attention and coorespondence leads me to think there could be something there. But at the same time he doesn't nothing/says nothing to be suggestive unless the act of emailing me at all is a sign.

He doesn't ignore me anymore as he said it was wrong of him to do. He did it once or twice and then apologized. He's a walking mixed signal. And you know...I probably am too.

May 15, 2006

Well I suppose this will just go on as it is unless and until you do or do not resolve issues with your H. And its probably best to not overstep that line. I'm sure it would be very easy to tell him about problems with your H. Have you ever done that? Because I would think that would open up a door you or he might be hesitant to walk through. Does he think you are happily married?

May 15, 2006

Well I suppose this will just go on as it is unless and until you do or do not resolve issues with your H. And its probably best to not overstep that line. I'm sure it would be very easy to tell him about problems with your H. Have you ever done that? Because I would think that would open up a door you or he might be hesitant to walk through. Does he think you are happily married?

My husband told him that he was going to therapy over his addiction problems and that he is a "s***ty husband" ...who knows what my husband says about me to him but knowing him he probably has owned up to his side of things. And my husband told me that OM has asked here and there how "things" with us are. He likes to keep tabs. I get the impression at times he "tries" to help our marriage.

The little bit of suggestions I've given him is that I'm not happy, desire independence and a new life. But I say it brief and nonchalant and he never prods further.

The few times (months ago when we first started emailing) I mentioned our marriage was troubled and he continued to tell me he know that my husband and I cared deeply for one another and that he would stop emailing me if he knew that whatever he said or was doing influenced anything negative in our marriage. From the get go he seemed pretty darn platonic, concerned for our marriage, and so on.

His complete motivation behind striking up communication via email will baffle me until the end of days. As I said he's a strange man and his motives always seem to be completely pure and confusing at the same time. I think I'm finally coming to a realization that what little bits within me that thought he had "feelings" for me were in my head. He is being a friend and nothing more. I feel so foolish and at the same time relieved. I want to stop feeling anything. I feel like my heart breaks everyday and heals just enough to break again.

May 15, 2006

Well I suppose this will just go on as it is unless and until you do or do not resolve issues with your H. And its probably best to not overstep that line. I'm sure it would be very easy to tell him about problems with your H. Have you ever done that? Because I would think that would open up a door you or he might be hesitant to walk through. Does he think you are happily married?

My husband told him that he was going to therapy over his addiction problems and that he is a "s***ty husband" ...who knows what my husband says about me to him but knowing him he probably has owned up to his side of things. And my husband told me that OM has asked here and there how "things" with us are. He likes to keep tabs. I get the impression at times he "tries" to help our marriage. But if anything he's definitely concerned about our marriage but only questions my husband on that and not me.

The little bit of suggestions I've given him is that I'm not happy, desire independence and a new life. But I say it brief and nonchalant and he never prods further.

The few times (months ago when we first started emailing) I mentioned our marriage was troubled and he continued to tell me he know that my husband and I cared deeply for one another and that he would stop emailing me if he knew that whatever he said or was doing influenced anything negative in our marriage. From the get go he seemed pretty darn platonic, concerned for our marriage, and so on.

His complete motivation behind striking up communication via email will baffle me until the end of days. As I said he's a strange man and his motives always seem to be completely pure and confusing at the same time. I think I'm finally coming to a realization that what little bits within me that thought he had "feelings" for me were in my head. He is being a friend and nothing more. And at the same time he's a contradiction because he lets me know how wonderful a person I am consistantly. I feel so foolish and at the same time relieved. I want to stop feeling anything. I feel like my heart breaks everyday and heals just enough to break again.

Edit: The last month or so he hardly brings up my husband in emails if at all. It's "how are you" and other questions about just me and so on ...never "how are you guys". It was only the first couple emails that he spoke that way about being a negative influence on my marriage and whatnot.

May 15, 2006

Well, just so you know, my ex MM, his W, my H and I were friends for a few years. I didn't like him much in the beginning because I was told some stories about him. As we all got to know each other better and socialize, he used to tease me and he would talk to me and such, but never let anything on. And even though I am considered attractive, there was no way in the world I got any idea that it was more than just us having fun and I figured I was just so gullible, that's why it was so easy for him to tease me. I knew I was starting to have an attraction for him after awhile, but I had no intentions of ever telling him, as Affairs were alien to me and I wasn't looking for one. But, lo and behold, when we did finally find out what each other was feeling, we both said we had had this attraction for at least a year. So, all this is to say, you never know! I didn't!.

But something tells me you'll find out in time.

May 15, 2006

Well, just so you know, my ex MM, his W, my H and I were friends for a few years. I didn't like him much in the beginning because I was told some stories about him. As we all got to know each other better and socialize, he used to tease me and he would talk to me and such, but never let anything on. And even though I am considered attractive, there was no way in the world I got any idea that it was more than just us having fun and I figured I was just so gullible, that's why it was so easy for him to tease me. I knew I was starting to have an attraction for him after awhile, but I had no intentions of ever telling him, as Affairs were alien to me and I wasn't looking for one. But, lo and behold, when we did finally find out what each other was feeling, we both said we had had this attraction for at least a year. So, all this is to say, you never know! I didn't!.

But something tells me you'll find out in time.

THe one thing I notice is we get closer and closer apparently. I hadn't seen him in nearly four weeks (although emailing daily) because I have been back home due to my father's funeral. OM isn't a touchy feely man and when I finally saw him the other day he hugged me. It shocked the hell out of me although I halfway initiated it. I did it without thinking...it was impulse and he reacted at the same time. It was an odd moment...like we both were thinking of doing the same thing. None of my other guyfriends hugged me and they are all touchy feely. And yet the guy that is least likely to hug does it. And with much affection...rubbing my back for a brief moment with one hand as I pulled away. I don't know ..I'm still shocked. I wish I wouldn't make more out of it than it is.

He doesn't tease me in any sexual way ever. He teases me playfully though in other innocent type ways. Things about how I probably treat my coworkers mean (just kidding) and or that I'm a suspicious character so that is why airport security randomly searched me ...that type of humor (haha).

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