SadHatter Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Hi guys, Well I've been a regular poster on here in the past year or so...had a year-long relationship with a girl, she dumped me for someone else, and I have been dating someone new for the past two months. We've now broken up! Anyway, I could do with some advice as this is an extremely strange break-up (probably the weirdest I've ever experienced) and I don't even actually understand what is happening or why we've broken up. I have a pretty good idea but I just wanted to see if anyone could clarify it for me! My best friend has been dating a girl now for about 1.5 years. She had a friend who was dating her brother. Her brother dumped her friend and two weeks later she introduced her friend to me. We hit it off straight away, she made a beeline for me, I was wary but after a fortnight or so we started seeing each other regularly and began dating. We've been a couple now for about two months. She would often mention her ex-bf (my friend's brother) and would tell me how sad he made her, how she cried every night, how he never gave her attention. She even told me she resorted to self harm because he made her so unhappy (something she has never told anyone else, not even her family or her friends). She said she felt she could trust me with it. She said I was the total opposite of him, made her feel safe, happy, and loved. Anyway, she would regularly mention him, little things like, "Oh I found out something about him today...i'll tell you later when I see you." I would find it weird and thought to myself, why do I even care, I don't even know the guy! She did this 3/4 times. I kept saying, "Are you sure you're over him?"..."Yes...I HATE him...he made me so miserable...I've been reading my diary tonight and realising when I look back just how miserable he made me feel." So, Thursday night it is her graduation prom. She invites me. I feel privaliged. We have a lovely night culminating in her staying at my place. At mine she tells me that she has fallen in love with me and has never done so so fast before. She tells me she is so happy. She had actually organised the entire prom so I bought her a card and some chocolates and just said in it how I thought she'd done brilliant with arranging it all, that I am proud of her and I am sure all of her fellow graduates are grateful. Friday we spend together and Friday night. Saturday I didn't speak to her all day and I am a singer so I had a gig Saturday night. She said she had to babysit which I said is cool. On the way to the gig, she texts me saying, "You've made me the happiest girl in the World. I love you, I really do." I returned from the gig at midnight to get a phone call from her saying she needs to talk to me. She has seen her ex-bf after babysitting (she went to her friend's house, him being her friend's brother) and she is sorry but he excites her (I assume I don't?!) and that she needs the chase and craves the chase. I said if you want someone to mess you around, trust me, I can do that, but I didn't think you wanted that and I am past that stage of my life. She apologised and said "Sorry it has been a bad day...I will be OK tomorrow" and I said, "Well it isn't OK really...you've made me feel awful. I don't like the way you've acted tonight or the person you have been" and she said, "I don't like me tonight either." I asked if she was drunk, she said not at all and that she hadn't touched a drop and had only just arrived. I said, "If you're still thinking about your ex, we should call this a day. You can come collect your things tomorrow from my house." She replied that she didn't know what she wanted, that she was confused, she loves me (!??!?!?!) and it had nothing to do with her ex. I said he has obviously said something to you and now you are ditching me for him and she said no. She said that she just sat down tonight and realised that this is all too much and that she can't do it anymore. (A few hours before she was the happiest girl in the World). She came today to collect her stuff, she said sorry and that she needs some space. She doesn't know what she thinks or wants and is confused. She said for me to leave her, not contact her, and she'll contact me when she is ready (I assume that is never?). She said she's going to miss me, went to snog me (?!) and I pulled away and then she left. I fully expect to find out within the next week or so that she is dating her ex again. She has just messaged me on MSN and asked me how I am as I write this?! I said fine thank you. Not going to look like I am bothered, when I am inside. I felt so positive about this. She was a real catch. EXTREMELY intelligent, beautiful, sweet, funny. I instantly felt she was more my type than any of my ex-gf's. She has said she has been in bed all afternoon feeling terrible and she does love me but isn’t in love with me. I said I wouldn’t expect her to be in love with me so soon, as I am not with her. I said she needs to realise that doesn’t happen so quickly. She said “Maybe I do love you, maybe that’s why it hurt so much to talk to you earlier and why I feel like total crap today”. She said she decided this last night and she has to admit her ex-boyfriend did play a part but she was thinking it herself anyway. She said he was “over the moon” to hear we’d broken up…I am sure he was! Anyway guys, have I done the right thing here? The is the strangest break-up I've ever experienced. Whenever I have dumped someone or been dumped, there have always been signs it was coming, but this is just a bolt out of the blue. I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with me now!
GW7147 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Hi Sad, Read your post and I'm sorry things happened the way they did. If you look at my post titled Blindsided under Break-ups, you'll see my GF did an about face with me as well. First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you. You seem like a caring guy that had nothing but the best intentions for your relationship. Not sure how old you and your ex are but, I'm 41 and my ex is 42. I thought I was past those kinds of games. It truly hurts when you give your heart to somebody and then this happens. I've been feeling pretty miserable and actually started going to a therapist. I had been "beating myself up" and blaming myself for what had happened. After reading posts and receiving replies from people, I've actually decided it would be in my best interest to worry about me. I've been trying to keep active with excerise, friends etc...and decided to have absolutely no contact with my ex. I'm begining to realize I was really good to her (she was good to me as well). The only difference is, I had no intentions of walking away. She did. If I were you, I suggest you take a step back, look at what she's done and is doing and then you make the decision. It seems she is confused right now and really isn't capable of making such decisions. Give her space and hopefully, she'll realize the other guy is a pinhead and you were the one who treated her with dignity and respect. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with you!! She has made her decisions all on her own. I wish you the best. Be strong and take care of yourself.
Author SadHatter Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 Thank you, I do really appreciate that. Very good and sensible words She spoke to me tonight and said she misses my cuddles and kisses already, but then also went on to say that her ex-bf had tears in his eyes because he was so happy when he found out we werent together anymore...its like my feelings dont matter, its all about him? Even though he gave her nothing and I gave her everything... All she ever did was say, "Oh my ex would never have done this with me" (we went to see a show) and "I love this, all he ever did was sit in his house, it was so boring" etc. etc. and now suddenly, she is thinking, quite obviously of getting back with him. It baffles me. Completely. She said she doesnt understand it herself. I think I am out of the picture to be quite honest...
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Hello! Hm... It really does sound like you are her rebound guy. She's not in love with you but she likes to be attached to somebody. She's a classical serial monogamist who always needs to have a BF. She's not your type. Move on. She likes to be played and her ex definitely suits her just right. BTW, you've been played. ( I thought you needed to know that.) Move on.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Played in what way? The 'I love you' lines... that's bullsh*t! That's not how someone treats a lover. Trust me... if a girl loves a guy, she will not even think about any other guy!! And she's been telling you about her ex, WTF?? Does she think that you don't have feelings or that you are below human?? Come on... she was probably just using you to get at her ex!!! Here's a telling sign: you broke up with her, yet she didn't even react with sadness! WTF? She either loves you or she doesn't. But she shouldn't have told you that she does when she is 'confused'. Trust me, the 'confusion' is not a sudden realization. She knows that she still loves her ex. Period. So, to answer your question; she played with your feelings.
gfto Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Whenever I have dumped someone or been dumped, there have always been signs it was coming, but this is just a bolt out of the blue. There were signs this was coming. As you said........... She would often mention her ex-bf (my friend's brother) and would tell me how sad he made her, how she cried every night, how he never gave her attention. *** Anyway, she would regularly mention him, little things like, "Oh I found out something about him today...i'll tell you later when I see you." KnowHow hit the nail on the head. This girl is nowhere close to being over her ex. She probably wasn't that into you to begin with. She just wanted to get back at her ex. I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with me now! There is nothing wrong with you. You simply missed a big red flag, because you were so focused on this girl's intelligence and beauty. It has happened to all of us. Don't worry about it though. With the next girl, keep your eyes and ears open. As soon as she starts in on her ex, say bub-bye.....next!
Author SadHatter Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 *********UPDATE*********** Thanks for all of your replies guys, much, much appreciated. She has sent me a text tonight saying, "After one day my ex is already screwing with my head and we aren't even togther. Delete this like I know you do with your ex-gf's texts but I don't share their motives. This is my way of apology for being so ignorant and naive to what you said. My ex has proved you right. Sorry" I was a bit surprised and replied with, "Sorry to hear things aren't working out for you. If I were you I would concentrate on your uni exams. Good luck" So, did I say the right thing/act the right way? Thanks for the advice everyone
Whitt Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I think that you did the right thing my texting her back - your were polite, but firm.
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