I work with her - NC not possible (apparently boundaries aren't either)

[JustG]

So the story goes...

 

I dated a girl at work - the boss' daughter none the less. She was at the end of bad relationship and left him for me. At the fault of both of us, things didn't work out mainly from comunication problems. We both cared deeply but had a hard time showing it - we each were under the impression that the other didn't care. Needless to say she assumed we were no longer together and began dating someone else, also a coworker.

 

At some point in time shortly after her new relationship began we got together and had a talk about all of the things we should've said much earlier. As it turns out we were both very much in love with each other but afraid to say so because we assumed the other person didn't care nearly as much. We kept things platonic as she assured me she was happy and I did not want to be involved with breaking her up again. That was until she began coming to me telling me about the bad things he was starting to do to her. We still kept things platonic for the most part but we were dancing on a fine line of crossing the boundaries in to inappropriate.

 

It was killing me to have to stand by her and not be able to do anything. Partly because I consider her a very good friend and partly because I know from her own admission that she'd rather be with me. She has some serious issues (obviously) that prevent her from letting go even when she knows she should. Two weeks ago he finally crossed the line of no return (or so she had me convinced). He had abondoned her and she assured me it was over. Some previously respected boundaries were crossed under a lapse of both of our judgement however I did not feel so bad at the time because I truly believed she could not take him back after what he did. I was wrong. Needless to say I did not take this well and made it very clear to her that she'd hurt me and I may not be able to forgive it this time. I even confronted the boyfriend and told him what I thought about how he was treating her...which thoroughly pissed her off. Despite all of the anger that resulted from this we were back talking within days. Niether of us seems to be able to let go.

 

Out of luck for both of us she got temporarily transfered to another office last week, making NC possible at least for a little while. That's likely to change in a couple weeks and when she comes back it will be impossible to maintain NC as we generally have to work with each other almost daily. It's been a full week since we last talked. I decided to maintain the NC on my own - she doesn't know that's what I'm doing. I'm fairly confident that I can hold out but I doubt she can. Do I answer the phone when she calls?

 

What about when she returns to work in a couple weeks? If the feeling remain like I expect they will I know for sure that neither one of us will be strong enough to ignore them and I fear the dancing around the boundaries will begin once again. What makes it worse is that I also have to see her boyfriend at work every day and pretend I don't know all of the things he's doing to hurt her.

 

I'm not going to deny the both her and I have some serious issues that need to be delt with...and that's in the process. Unfortunately these won't clear up by then. I have a severely hard time just sitting back watching someone abuse someone that is my friend, let alone someone whom I love. At the same time I can only do so much without betraying her trust or hurting her.

 

This whole situation has completely messed me up over the past few months. I've been unable to eat at times and have lost an unhealthy amount of weight. At times I've been extremely depressed. It has affected my work at times. Most people have figured out what's going on and most that know exactly what's going on completely understand and are on "my side" - not so much in winning her back but in getting her away from the abuser.

 

So after all of that, I guess the question is:

In a couple weeks when NC will no longer be an option and the temptation comes around again to cross those boundaries, what am I supposed to do?

[NotAnotherTeen]

Are you sure that she really loves you? You say that she does, yet she won't leave this guy that is abusive for you? That doesnt sound like love to me. Girls being girls, she could just be using you, keeping you on the line, so that when this abusive relationship is finally over, she has a back up. I hope that isnt the case for your sake, but you have to consider it.

 

It also clear that this your not getting the best of of this ordeal. Its not only mentally unhealthy for you, its becoming physically unhealthy! Maybe its time to let this girl go, and move on with your life. Find someone that loves you no matter what, and wont settle for an abusive loser over you.

 

However, we all know that emotions cloud logic. You care deeply for her, and it would be all but impossible for you, i imagine, to just let her go. So, i would suspect that you would ignore my best advice. In wake of this, I would keep up NC for as long as it takes. Make her come to you. When/If she does, talk to her in no uncertain terms about her current relationship. Get her to see how painful it is for you. If she really does care about, even more than she does for this other a**hole, then she should realize what a mistake she is making. Make it clear how you feel about her, but dont be the one to ask her out again or w/e.

 

Whatever you choose to do, the best of luck to you. May you find someone very special for you, even if it isnt this particular girl.

[JustG]

The thought of being a backup plan has crossed my mind many times. I've even confronted her with it. Her reaction to my acusation makes me want to believe her.

 

In the back of my mind I know the best thing would be to move on. I'm maintaining NC as long as I possibly can but I don't believe that she will. And I still know that NC will be impossible when she returns to work in a few weeks. I'm finding it hard to believe that either of us will be able to maintain any kind of platonic boundaries when we're working together again.

 

The hardest thing of all is that by moving on I'm going to force myself to not only give up on someone I truly love but also abondon someone whom I consider a best friend in a time when she really needs her friends the most. I and all of her other friends and family honestly believe it's only a matter of time before the abuse turns from psychological to physical.

[scobro]

I've been unable to eat at times and have lost an unhealthy amount of weight. At times I've been extremely depressed.

 

God i hated that.It is the worst feeling.

[NotAnotherTeen]

The hardest thing of all is that by moving on I'm going to force myself to not only give up on someone I truly love but also abondon someone whom I consider a best friend in a time when she really needs her friends the most. I and all of her other friends and family honestly believe it's only a matter of time before the abuse turns from psychological to physical.

 

If you truly think that she might be physically abused, then you should do something about it. But about the only thing you can do is be there for her, be a strong supportive person, and let her know that this guy is bad news. However, this is her relationship, and you have no direct control over it, and attempting to TELL her what to do would be bad. You can only be there for her.

 

It's very hard to get over people. Theres no button you can push, no magic pill you can take. It takes time. I would not suggest just abondoning this girl. She obviously means a lot to you, but perhaps it should be just as friends. I know you said that boundaries would be hard to keep up, but if your strong, you can pull it off.

 

On the other hand, if you really want her back, and feel that will make the both of you happy, I would maybe give her a choice. Ask for her to come back to you. If she cares about you, she will drop this other loser in a second. But if she doesnt, maybe you really should recondsider just how much she cares about you.

[JustG]

I've tried all of that. This has been going on for about 4 months now. I started out being the friend and fully supported and respected her new relationship. I truly screwed up with her and didn't expect her to want me back in her life in that way. As he began to turn on her she apparently began lean toward me. Every time he'd treat her horribly, abandone her or "dump" her (for a day or two) I'd be there by her side trying to help her through it.

 

When I saw things getting really bad I began to put more pressure on her trying to convince her that I would be there no matter what she needed. This was where the boundaries began to get crossed. It started with a hugs every day in the morning and when we'd leave work...those hugs began to get more passionate and then the last few days when she was convinced (as was I) that she was done with him the kissing started. She actually managed to break up with him and as she left his house with all of her stuff she went hysterical...tried calling me but it was late and I didn't answer the phone. He called a few minutes later and she went back. I don't blame myself but I still can't help but think if I'd been there to calm her down she'd be done with him. Obviously this was a devastating blow for me and even pushed me to confront him on how he'd been treating her....which did not go well, of course. She got very mad at me about that but by the next day we had one final conversation and were back on good "friend" terms. I didn't say anything about not talking to her but I haven't called her and she hasn't tried to call me...that was exactly a week ago.

 

I've already said I know this girl has some serious issues. There are several things in her past that control some of the decisions she makes like this. She knows she was these problems too and was in couseling trying to help herself but the boyfriend forced her to stop seeing her phychologist.

 

Although she's not being physically abused...yet...there's is some serious phychological abuse going on and in my mind that's worse because it's not so obvious and harder for others to see and prove and easier for her to cover up. He's discovered many of her weaknesses and regularly exploits them to his benefit. I still fully believe the abuse will turn physical at some point...sooner rather than later.

 

I feel I've gotten involved about as much as I really can at this point. I fear that if I do anyting else it will mess her up even more than she is right now and she won't be able to forgive me for it. I don't think I can handle that at this point...although I regularly weight the odds of losing her from my life if it means saving her from this a-hole. I am good friends with her dad and he is actually supporting me with trying to get her away from him. If I told the dad half of what I knew about the thing the boyfriend was doing he'd likely get involved....but them I'm breaking her trust on things she told me in confidence that I'd keep quiet.

 

Any way...I'm at a loss with this whole thing. With anyone else whom I considered a friend or any other ex I would have run a long time ago and never looked back.

 

At this point with all the things that have happend in the past few weeks I don't think I want her back as my girlfriend. I know that would change over time, but I can't bear the thought of losing her as my friend nor standing by idly and watching her take the abuse she's been taking for the past few months. Truly a predicament...

[JustG]

Today marks one week of NC. Although I will admit a couple times I've gone out of my way to make sure the new BF has seen me at work just to remind him I'm still around.

 

I've made the comitment to no longer drive by her house on the way to and from work. It's on a slight shortcut that I've driven for the past year and a half but I can deal with a little extra traffic. I find myself slowing down to look for her car every time I drive by. I meant to start today but by the time I remember I was already on her street. Hopefully I can remember tomorrow morning.

 

However, the bigger problem of working with her still lingers. I confirmed today that she has about 2 and half weeks left at the other office before she returns to mine. At that time I don't know how things will go. The thought of requesting a transfer to another project does not sit well with me. I don't like running from my problems.

 

My initial thought is that I'll maintain NC until the weekend before she's to return to the office. At that time I'll send her an e-mail or something telling her we need to talk about exactly how we'll handle the work environment situation that's sure to develop. My feeling is that we will need to keep it strictly professional and simply ignore the feelings that obviously remain between us. I will only see and speak to her when work requires it and I'll expect the same from her. No lunches together. No extended visits to each others' office. And certainly no more passionate hugs goodbye, regardless of what her scum of a boyfriend may have just done to her. I can't be that friend who is only there when she needs somebody to cry to yet treats like garbage when things are going well. It will end up having to be a big game of pretend for both of us....and the problem is we're both horrible actors.

 

When I speak to her I know I'm going to have the temptation to lay it all out for her one more time. To tell her exactly how I still feel and how much of a mistake I (and everyone else in her life) think she's making. How much she's hurting the people that should mean the most to her. Try to make her see that someone who treats her the way he does can't possibly be worth giving up all of her friends and letting down her family. And most of all try to convince her that she truly deserves something better in her life...but she needs to make that happen and take some responsibility for her actions and stop making excuses. That, is what I'll be tempted to do. Will it? I don't know. Should I? Perhaps that's the better question...

 

 

Awaiting some enlightening comentary...