Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Every single time a relationship of mine ends, I turn/run back/find myself back in contact with/rebound to an ex from years go. Every single time. I'll call this guy "K". K is a good guy - a truly nice, decent, great guy. He has always provided all of the emotional support, love, etc. that I've always needed, but I've always pushed him away. Just as I feel myself really feeling something for him, I find ways to push him away... I pick fights, say mean things, find reasons not to date him (STUPID reasons), and then we end up having a falling out and not speaking. During this not-speaking time, I'll find some a**h*** who isn't good to me, isn't there for me, in some way is a "bad boy" - you know the type. I find myself willing to do anything for these bad boys, anything to MAKE THEM love me. Ultimately, they break my heart... and I crawl back to K until I feel whole again. I don't want to rebound, I don't want to be the serial monogamist... but I feel in my gut that THIS TIME, this time I WANT to be with K. But again, I'm afraid. I don't think there's anyone in this world who would be better for me...but I have to figure out how to want the "good guy." How do I do that?
Pyro Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 I think that it is something that you will learn through time. As you get older and mature more, you will start to realize how bad that these guys are for you. You will start to realize through time that its pointless to be dating a guy who treats you bad and plays BS games with you.
johan Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Leave K alone. Forget about him. Also quit going for a**h***s.
MadDog Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 I'm with Riddler on this one. It'll just take time. You can't really make yourself be more mature. The bottom line is that if you're interested in establishing a good, long-lasting relationship, you'll seek out someone who can treat you well. If you're looking for excitement and not necessarily a relationship, then you go for bad boys, a**h***s, etc. You might find that you'll try to go back to K this time and he's found a girl who actually appreciates him and you'll be SOL. That's kinda what happens when you don't appreciate what you have when you have it though.
johan Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 You don't deserve a good and decent man like K I've worked hard to remove the word "deserve" from my vocabulary. I think it's over-used. No one deserves anything, as if Fate is just waiting out there to hand it to you. The only thing that will ever matter in your life is what you get, not what you deserved. And what you get will be what you work for to have. If you don't go out and find the right guy, then you don't deserve him. If you want to spend all your time with jerks, then you deserve them. "Deserve" ends up being irrelevant.
westernxer Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 ...but I have to figure out how to want the "good guy." How do I do that? You can't. That's why impulses are impulses. Only time and experience can change this. Maybe you'll want something different 10 years from now, but not this second.
runner Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 No one deserves anything, as if Fate is just waiting out there to hand it to you. The only thing that will ever matter in your life is what you get, not what you deserved. And what you get will be what you work for to have. true words of wisdom there. cheers
Author Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 You don't deserve a good and decent man like K Riiiiiiight. Thanks for those words of "wisdom." Contrary to your opinion, K seems to think so. And I want to believe him. I've never wanted the good and decent guy, I've always chosen the a-hole. But now, in the pit of my stomach, I DO want the good and decent guy... I'm just afraid of backsliding......
Curmudgeon Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Hear! Hear! They may be fun for the moment but the pattern will likely remain unchanged and in the end they'll amount to nothing, as will the relationship, or worse. If you're beginning to feel like it's time to settle down, the good, steady, quiet, responsible, caring guys are the ones who you'll want to cultivate, not the flash-in-the-pan, Mr. Excitement and Ego who is only looking out for himself. Good guys don't have to be dull. They also don't have to act stupid and inconsiderate.
IWalkAlone Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 It's women like you who turn nice, considerate guys unto cynical bitter men.
alphamale Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I don't want to rebound, I don't want to be the serial monogamist... but I feel in my gut that THIS TIME, this time I WANT to be with K. But again, I'm afraid. I don't think there's anyone in this world who would be better for me...but I have to figure out how to want the "good guy." once a relationship pattern has been established its quite hard to break, almost impossible. Your relationship with Mr. K only exists under certain circumstance and if you change the circumstances you kill the "relationship". Do you understand this SG? How do I do that? If you can figure that out you'll become a billionaire and hob-nob with the likes of Oprah and George Clooney
Yamaha Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 It all boils down to sexual attraction and you don't see "k" as someone who will knock your socks off in the bedroom. You like his intelligence but you can't transpose that to animal lust. It's all about romance and lust for young women and you see "bed boys" as having those qualities that are important to you in a relationship. You will have to change your sexual attraction from bad boys to nice guys and that is hard to do. You have to work at it and I think "k" will just be another rebound until you meet the next sexual attraction guy.
Sand&Water Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 It all boils down to sexual attraction and you don't see "k" as someone who will knock your socks off in the bedroom. You like his intelligence but you can't transpose that to animal lust. It's all about romance and lust for young women and you see "bed boys" as having those qualities that are important to you in a relationship. You will have to change your sexual attraction from bad boys to nice guys and that is hard to do. You have to work at it and I think "k" will just be another rebound until you meet the next sexual attraction guy. I agree. Sexual attraction cannot be forced. However, slowly if you work at hanging out with more guys like K then over time you'll have less rebound moments.
alphamale Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 However, slowly if you work at hanging out with more guys like K then over time you'll have less rebound moments. true...but she'll also be bored to tears.
Cecelius Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Everyone said it above: you don't want them because they don't do anything for you. The problem with the "nice guy" is that he's basically the male version of an easy girl -- almost like he's got nothing going on that can make you feel -- he's so available, or so good, perhaps bendable, etc. You respect him less because he seems so much less formidable than the other dudes. The bad boys act the way they do because they don't care that much, and that turns you on.
ronnieromance Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the fact he is too nice carries over to the bedroom aswell. I think the prospect of having something with K is done without a lot of very hard work. The want may be there, but you have to fight habits, since you have apparantly made a bit of a thing of him being the rebound guy. I'm with the thers' in that I think you need a guy like K, but I think the fabric of the relationship may have been damaged irrepairably. -R-
Mz. Pixie Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Get s*** on enough in relationships by "bad boys" and you'll be able to change your thought process!
IWalkAlone Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the fact he is too nice carries over to the bedroom aswell. What are you suggesting? I've been a called a nice guy, but women I've been with have said I was pretty good in bed. Unfortunately, new women I meet don't seem to have that impression and there's no good way to tell them. OTOH, I've been told that one of the things that make jerks jerks is that they are only concerned with their own pleasure in bed. Go figure!
Author Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 What are you suggesting? I've been a called a nice guy, but women I've been with have said I was pretty good in bed. Unfortunately, new women I meet don't seem to have that impression and there's no good way to tell them. OTOH, I've been told that one of the things that make jerks jerks is that they are only concerned with their own pleasure in bed. Go figure! Very true. K is phenomenal in bed, no doubt about that. The bad boys have never really been interested in MY pleasure....only their own.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 It's women like you who turn nice, considerate guys unto cynical bitter men. That was very rude and uncalled for. Women like ME? You don't know my history with K, okay? I'm being overly broad in my description here by saying I rebound to him, but he's played just as much of a role in making ME cynical too. We rebound to EACH OTHER, and then we part when the healing is complete... This time, we want it to really BE something, but I am not sure how. He has a "bad girl" problem too.
Dagny Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I don't think it really matters whether K is a good guy or a bad guy. I don't even think its an issue that a nice man ends up last, or that she does'nt deserve him. People can be great but not right for a person. According to you he sounds like a really fantastic man. Maybe he's just not right for you, hence you only go back to him under certain circumstances when you need support. Does'nt matter whether he's "good" or "bad", he just does not fit. So instead of trying to go for a good guy like K or a bad guy, what about taking some time and finding someone who is just right? I suppose that might take some time. I was reading a sermon by a rabbi and he said something, find someone that not only loves you, but you must want to love him too. something like that
IWalkAlone Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 That was very rude and uncalled for. Women like ME? You don't know my history with K, okay? Sorry about that. Sometimes we read our own histories into posts here, and I've been the friend a woman hangs out with in between boyfriends, only to be left wondering "when's MY turn?" I'm being overly broad in my description here by saying I rebound to him, but he's played just as much of a role in making ME cynical too. We rebound to EACH OTHER, and then we part when the healing is complete... This time, we want it to really BE something, but I am not sure how. He has a "bad girl" problem too. Have you considered writing plays or screenplays? This "in between relationships" dynamic sounds facsinating.
Yamaha Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Very true. K is phenomenal in bed, no doubt about that. The bad boys have never really been interested in MY pleasure....only their own. Didn't know you had slept with K. I thought he was a friend who gave you emotional support but he didn't do it for you. Why do you think you can't have a realtionship with him? How long did you two date when you were seeing him?
kitten chick Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Get s*** on enough in relationships by "bad boys" and you'll be able to change your thought process! true that. How are you not sick of bad boy crap? I've only had a few but man I hope I never see another one in my life again. If this K guy is a decent guy, snatch him up and make a decision to stay and work on a relationship.
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