hokitika1246 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 We're both married and have been involved for about 2.5 yrs. We talk about leaving our spouses and we think we're one of the few who would actually make it. I have 2 questions-- 1) Am i kidding myself? Does anyone actually "make it"? 2) How bad is it really for the children. We have 3 total, all teenagers. How do we tell them and how do we minimize the impact?
OzGirl Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 1. No, you're not, if you're both committed, etc. It is possible. The chances of it happening are low, and when it happens, the chances of you staying together are also low. That's just what I've read. But, there's always that .01% or whatever who survive it. It could be you - but if it's a commitment from you both. 2. IMHO, how bad it is is equal to how bad you handle it. I would separate from your spouse first - let your kids know and see that you are not leaving for someone else - you are leaving because you are unhappy where you are. I would tell them it's not 'about them' as to why you're doing it, and they are not associated with this unhappiness. I would then slowly introduce OM into their lives, like a brand new relationship, because that's what it is to them probably, and to you. It takes a marriage to have an affair. Take away the marriage, and all the dynamics between you and the OM are likely to change. So, take it slowly and let the 'new' relationship progress naturally. Kids are resilient and as they get older, they are wiser. You can teach them about how to amicably resolve a non-working relationship (a good lesson for them to learn in case they ever feel trapped in one). You can then teach them how to cope with the adjustment phase. Then, how to re-introduce a partner into your life. They are watching and learning from you, and it's not what happens to you as much as how you react to it that will interest them the most. Best of luck
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 DO it then. What is really stopping you both? Think about it! If you two have been talking about leaving your spouses and are ready to move on together, make a life together, WHAT is holding each of you back? Or one of you back? Here's the reasons why I think it will never happen. 1)Kids involved. 2)Neither of you, or one of you really doesn't want to end the marriages. Too much to give up, the comfort of your home, the lifestyle you both are used to, friends, family, money, inlaws, ruining life as you know it and trying something new that really is based on 'good times' and 'fantasy'. 3)The guilt you both will feel. 4)Trust issues. Each of you have cheated on your spouses, so how could you both FULLY trust eachother 100% in the future?? It happened once, why couldn't it happen again? (That is, if the two of you got together.) Need to know, who is the one talking more about ending the marriage and pursuing a relationship? Is it you, him or would you say it's equal interest? In the meantime, do you love your husband? Do you feel feel bad, guilty at all for what you're doing to him? To your kids? TO the whole family?
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 What usually happens is the MOW gets divorced and the MM stays put. Just number-crunching here, but hey, you might like to take a closer look at some statistics. Try registering at gloryb.com (pah, but they have plenty of OW, so you can judge for yourself).
OzGirl Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Sami, I'm chasing you 'round the LS threads at the mo..! I agree with Sami and my hunch is the same about the MW leaving and the MM staying put. I'd make him do it first, because I also am of the understanding that regardless of what the reason is (infidelity, another person or anything), way more women do the "leaving". He's your weak link at the moment maybe.
Author hokitika1246 Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 WWIU, You're a lot right in your previous post. We both seem to be dragging our feet. Settled into a routine, maybe? I think there's a lot of fear about the change. We've gotten over the fear of being in the relationship--by the way am I fooling myself to think my husband doesn't at least suspect?-- but the next step is a big one. I've analyzed it all in my head. Fear of intimacy and commitment, trust issues, etc. I have not heard or even considered the statistic about MOW leaving and the MM staying. How devastating for everyone. Is that why you all say to leave the M for the sake of the M being bad rather than for the other person? To answer the other questions, I Love my children and I do feel bad for what this might do to them. And at the same time, I feel bad for showing them a loveless marriage. I wouldn't want them in this kind of M. My H. and I are kind and cordial, there isn't animosty. There's just an emptiness that's been there for years. Since before we began the A.
movinon05 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 What usually happens is the MOW gets divorced and the MM stays put. Yeah, that'd be me!! Left high and dry!
Author hokitika1246 Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 Yeah, that'd be me!! Left high and dry! What in the world did you do? You've probably told your story in another post. Forgive me, I'm new.
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 WWIU, You're a lot right in your previous post. We both seem to be dragging our feet. Settled into a routine, maybe? I think there's a lot of fear about the change. We've gotten over the fear of being in the relationship--by the way am I fooling myself to think my husband doesn't at least suspect?-- but the next step is a big one. I've analyzed it all in my head. Fear of intimacy and commitment, trust issues, etc. I have not heard or even considered the statistic about MOW leaving and the MM staying. How devastating for everyone. Is that why you all say to leave the M for the sake of the M being bad rather than for the other person? To answer the other questions, I Love my children and I do feel bad for what this might do to them. And at the same time, I feel bad for showing them a loveless marriage. I wouldn't want them in this kind of M. My H. and I are kind and cordial, there isn't animosty. There's just an emptiness that's been there for years. Since before we began the A. Is your marriage savalgable? Meaning, is it worth saving? Going to marriage counselling? Is it possible that you DO love your husband, but meeting this MM has brought out those intense, crush-like feelings, deep emotional attachment has now distracted you from someone (your husband) that you do infact love? Maybe those feelings are still there, but buried. Maybe separating and see what your life is like without your husband AND without your MM is a good test. To be on your own and see how you feel. I believe it's not possible to end a marriage and pop into another relationship so fast. Time has to go by, even if a marriage that ends, isn't good, people have to be on their own to process and deal with the feelings. Some needs that weren't met at home (For both of you) are now being met by your MM and you suppy needs for him that he isn't getting at home. Hense the affair. Take away the spouses, DO you two have what it actually takes to make it work? Not only the goodtimes, but the bad stuff, the daily grind of life, daily routine, the s*** that life throws at ya - IS this MM a person who will be your rock, look after you when you're sick, hold your head over the toilet when you throw-up etc??? Things you both MUST think about if you're planning on a life together after a divorce. Do what you need to do, but I say the sooner you end your marriage the better, especially if you're not inlove with your husband anymore. He deserves another chance at love with someone else, right??? It's very selfish to go meet YOUR needs with another man, and stay in the marriage, and let your husband not have HIS needs met, unknowingly that you're in the arms of someone else, happy as a clam. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's time to TELL your husband the truth, and discuss divorcing. You can't have your cake and eat it too - It's just not fair.
Curmudgeon Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 The worst reason in the world to leave a relationship is to do so for another. You should leave only because the relationship is fundamentally flawed. So you and your MM leave your spouses and get together. Suddenly you're there 24/7 with all the pressures, problems and issues that entails. The "forbidden fruit" aspect of the affair no longer exists, nor does a lot of the excitement and stimulation. Those types of relationships have a success factor of only about 2% and all second marriages only have a 40% success record. As for the children, if they figure out you two left their father/mother for someone you were having an affair with, they'll likely be highly resentful, and justifiably so. But my best guess is that you'll do what you want to indulge yourself because neither the children nor your spouses have mattered to you thus far.
alphamale Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 We're both married and have been involved for about 2.5 yrs. We talk about leaving our spouses and we think we're one of the few who would actually make it. Why would either of you change anything? You've got the best of both worlds right now.
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 It's very selfish to go meet YOUR needs with another man, and stay in the marriage, and let your husband not have HIS needs met, unknowingly that you're in the arms of someone else, happy as a clam. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's time to TELL your husband the truth, and discuss divorcing. You can't have your cake and eat it too - It's just not fair. WOOAH!!!!!!... what do we know about hubby and his 'needs'..? Does he give a hoot about hokitika1246's needs? We don't know. Let's not go jumping to conclusions about the R. Let's see what hokitika1246 has to say about how her needs are being met, first, without jumping to conclusions about who is being selfish.
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 The "forbidden fruit" aspect of the affair no longer exists, nor does a lot of the excitement and stimulation. Those types of relationships have a success factor of only about 2% and all second marriages only have a 40% success record. Oh dear me yes... yes, the 'forbidden fruit'. Can't tell you how much I've fancied a banana I can't have. Get gone with the battered old cliches. Those 2% statistics (actually, it's 3%, if you're going to be 'accurate') originate in the marketing departments of Marriage Counsellors. And what do they know?
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Why would either of you change anything? You've got the best of both worlds right now. Yep. Nothing better than being wife to one energy-sapper and lover to another. Sigh.
movinon05 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 What in the world did you do? You've probably told your story in another post. Forgive me, I'm new. This is my story. Too much to rewrite so feel free to look it up. Our kids were teenagers too at the time. Perhaps it will be good eye opener for you! Good luck! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86518/
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 WOOAH!!!!!!... what do we know about hubby and his 'needs'..? Does he give a hoot about hokitika1246's needs? We don't know. Let's not go jumping to conclusions about the R. Let's see what hokitika1246 has to say about how her needs are being met, first, without jumping to conclusions about who is being selfish. Sami, relax. Why is it OK for you to make assumptions and give your thoughts, and not me? OBVIOUSLY some of her husbands needs are NOT being met. How could his needs be met when she's inlove or inlust with another man?? Her focus is on the MM, NOT her husband. So, how can you say that his needs are ALL being met!!!!!!!!!!!! She IS being selfish Sami, because she is having a marriage, a husband and a lover on the side. That is selfish!! Can you honestly tell me it's not? I am not attacking her, though it seems obvious, once again because I am not an OW, I am NOT allowed to give my thoughts without offending you. I would appreciate it if you'd stop putting down my advice and twisting it like I'm bashing the OP. I'm NOT!
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Sami, relax. Why is it OK for you to make assumptions and give your thoughts, and not me? OBVIOUSLY some of her husbands needs are NOT being met. How could his needs be met when she's inlove or inlust with another man?? Her focus is on the MM, NOT her husband. So, how can you say that his needs are ALL being met!!!!!!!!!!!! She IS being selfish Sami, because she is having a marriage, a husband and a lover on the side. That is selfish!! Can you honestly tell me it's not? I am not attacking her, though it seems obvious, once again because I am not an OW, I am NOT allowed to give my thoughts without offending you. I would appreciate it if you'd stop putting down my advice and twisting it like I'm bashing the OP. I'm NOT! Which assumptions was I making..? I haven't said anyone's needs were being met. I highly doubt anyone's are... it's an affair, after all. There's still no need for name-calling of posters here who came looking for advice. And... I'm not offended. You are 'allowed' to post whatever you like as far as I know... as am I, whether you feel I'm 'twisting' anything or not. Maybe I am. I'm sure neither of us has primary posting rights here, and people will draw their own conclusions. What's wrong with that..?
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 She IS being selfish Sami, because she is having a marriage, a husband and a lover on the side. That is selfish!! Can you honestly tell me it's not? To answer the point that actually refers to the thread... I have NO idea whether she's being 'selfish' or not... or whether that's 'justified' or not... and neither do you. Only the barest bones of the affair, and nothing (?) about the marriage was posted. So... I'm reserving judgment.
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 My H. and I are kind and cordial, there isn't animosty. There's just an emptiness that's been there for years. Since before we began the A. Her words, not mine. I am 'reading between the lines' like most people do when answering posts. It's obvious, atleast to ME, that needs are NOT being met because of HER WORDS. Problem really is, before the affair problems were there and she chose to go outside of the marriage to get her needs met, instead of doing the hard thing, facing her husband, telling him how she feels, listening to him about how he feels and together they could have decided to either fix the marriage or end it. Instead, that hasn't happened. She decided for the BOTH of them. Who knows? Maybe he is having his own affair.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 We're both married and have been involved for about 2.5 yrs. We talk about leaving our spouses and we think we're one of the few who would actually make it. I have 2 questions-- 1) Am i kidding myself? Does anyone actually "make it"? 2) How bad is it really for the children. We have 3 total, all teenagers. How do we tell them and how do we minimize the impact? I think it's probably a mistake to base the decision to divorce on if you can make an alternate relationship work. The better question to ask yourself is, "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than to continue in marriage with my current partner?" As MovinOn points out...a person can be left "high and dry" with the OP suddenly deciding to stay put in their own marriage. That's one risk. Another is that if both parties leave, and then the new relationship fails....there will very likely be plenty of regrets. When you make the decision based ONLY on you and not at all regarding the other person...you eliminate those kind of emotional risks. In essence, you're doing what you would have done anyway, and you're more apt to be satisfied with your decision regardless of the eventual outcome. As far as the "effects" on children....there are books available on the subject, and you might also consider making an appointment with a reputable child psychologist in order to gain more insight. Personally, I think I'd be hard-pressed to take any action that would require me to lie to my children. I have found mine to be fairly intuitive. More often than not, they know more than we give them credit for. And I don't think I'd ever be able to pull off a big whopper of a lie...and them not see right through me.
Curmudgeon Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 I'm both old and battered so I'll keep the cliches, thank you. They've worked for years and you didn't come up with anything better to replace them but a 1% differential. Not good enough!
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 I'm both old and battered so I'll keep the cliches, thank you. They've worked for years and you didn't come up with anything better to replace them but a 1% differential. Not good enough! Yer, I'm old and battered and all. LOL. I don't know... did they have 'statistics on affairs' way back when..? Who would have thunk it... wonder if it made a difference to what happened
THX2000 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 WOOAH!!!!!!... what do we know about hubby and his 'needs'..? Does he give a hoot about hokitika1246's needs? We don't know. Let's not go jumping to conclusions about the R. Let's see what hokitika1246 has to say about how her needs are being met, first, without jumping to conclusions about who is being selfish. Right. Let's instead assume that the person being cheated on and made a fool of in the process has somehow caused the cheater to cheat. Welcome to cop-out-ville........population - you.
Sami_D Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Right. Let's instead assume that the person being cheated on and made a fool of in the process has somehow caused the cheater to cheat. Welcome to cop-out-ville........population - you. UM OK. Except that wasn't what I said. Welcome to not so black and whites ville..?
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