i'm an OM

[whatstheword]

I've been in a relationship with an MW for about 3 years now. It's been mutually good for both of us and we don't really talk about ending it. She's unhappy in her marriage and we seem to have a good set up. If she were to divorce, I would want to pursue a relationship with her, but right now our setup works well for my career (i'm an attorney).

 

My question is, SHOULD i feel guilty? should i end it just on priniple? I've only just started to wonder that in the last 2-3 months.

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Are you married as well? Or are you single and just with her?

 

I just think that it's unfair to her husband, seeing as (so she says) their relationship isn't good and she's unhappy in the marriage, why cheat? Why not get a divorce and THEN pursue a relationship with you!

 

Have a read about in this section and what the other women are going through. Maybe seeing a different side of things, will make you stop and think.

 

Should you feel guilty? I can't answer that one, only you can. It makes no difference what I think or anybody else here thinks, but I think deep down you know the answer to your question.

 

Reverse the situation and you're husband. How would you feel when you found out about the affair? I say this, because it's only a matter of time before he puts two and two together. Or someone else knows and tells him. Are you prepared for the consquences and the fallout?

[OzGirl]

Well, it's up to you and where your morals generally stand on this issue.

 

Do you feel you are an exception to a rule? Or, do you feel that the rules don't exist any way?

 

I think it's okay to define your own boundaries, etc, and not just do something (or not do something) just to please everyone else.

 

But, if her H found out... would he come after you (so what if you're an attourney) in some way? Would that bother you?

 

If she ended it right now, would that bother you?

 

Whatever your 'set up' is... is the fact that she's married what makes it good for you? It's discreet, and it's limited on how far the commitment you are prepared to give can go, and that's what suits you - that you can't be 'demanded' to be more than you are?

 

I'm not really answering your question or passing judgement... just curious to know more about where you're coming from before I could beg to guess where you could go.

[whatstheword]

Do you feel you are an exception to a rule? Or, do you feel that the rules don't exist any way?

the rules are different in every situation, don't you think? how many people would think there are general rules, but that their situation falls outsdie the realm?

 

I think it's okay to define your own boundaries, etc, and not just do something (or not do something) just to please everyone else.

Thank you for this, and I agree. It's confusing. Perhaps I've arrived at the point in the relationship where it naturally would progress to more so I'm starting to feel the roadblocks.

 

But, if her H found out... would he come after you (so what if you're an attourney) in some way? Would that bother you?

he wouldn't come after me. I mentioned that I'm an attorney because of the crazy schedule it provides, mostly that I don't always notice that we don't have a "normal" relationship. It somehow feels less sneaky than I thought it might at the outset.

 

If she ended it right now, would that bother you?

yes.

 

 

and i am not married, either. I thought I someday would be. I won't be in this situation, at least not without a good deal of heartache, but I had settled into something of an Acceptance Mode.

[OzGirl]

Yeah, I know that feeling of 'acceptance mode'. You kinda don't feel unhappy most of the time with it, so really... is it worth the effort to do something about it, particularly when, when you're with the other person, you feel good about yourself, and without them, you possibly would exist without that feeling at all.

 

Or would you?

 

You don't know whilst you're in that one what another situation could do.

 

And, yes, I do think the rules are different - my question was relating to "the rules"... you know, that generally and widely accepted idea that infidelilty is a sin and immoral.

 

He he he... but you did make me smile, after all, as an attorney, you of all people know.... it's not a court of justice, it's a court of law.

 

Most people expect 'justice' per se... and what you are saying is similar... that it's not about what right or wrong as it is widely accepted and defined by society (for example), but what's right for you and your intepretation of the situation.

 

For all it's worth to you personally, take it from an ex-OW who was at your cross road once.

 

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You can only assume if you change nothing, nothing will change.

 

But, if you're wondering if you are starting to get more attached, maybe on an emotional level, to this woman, then just bail out and start fresh with a single person.

 

The key here is control and whilst it's in your hands, it's easier for you to deal with. And, there's nothing to feel guilty about (I used to think that's how I felt for letting the MM down by saying I'm out) for just ending it before that matters to much to you or her.

 

You just want a bit of sex when it suits you and no more? Then, find it with another female single attorney who's as busy as you are, and you can both use each other for the minimal amount of human contact you need... and I'm not saying that facetiously. I recently met a single man who has as 'little' time for me as I do for him. I see us forming a great partnership, even if we only see each other a couple of times a fortnight. It would suit us both just fine.

 

Please add more about how you feel, rather than just the logistics of this for you.... I think that's where it makes a big difference - the emotional content and where it's heading for you?

[movinon05]

the rules are different in every situation, don't you think? how many people would think there are general rules, but that their situation falls outsdie the realm?

 

 

Thank you for this, and I agree. It's confusing. Perhaps I've arrived at the point in the relationship where it naturally would progress to more so I'm starting to feel the roadblocks.

 

he wouldn't come after me. I mentioned that I'm an attorney because of the crazy schedule it provides, mostly that I don't always notice that we don't have a "normal" relationship. It somehow feels less sneaky than I thought it might at the outset.

 

yes.

 

 

and i am not married, either. I thought I someday would be. I won't be in this situation, at least not without a good deal of heartache, but I had settled into something of an Acceptance Mode.

 

And so now you're not as accepting. Thus the drama and the rollercoaster begins. Read up on all our situations! Perhaps it will give you a new perspective.

[Sami_D]

My question is, SHOULD i feel guilty? should i end it just on priniple? I've only just started to wonder that in the last 2-3 months.

 

Thank you.

 

And you came to ask a bunch of strangers whether you should feel guilty because..?

 

What is it you want to do..? Not really sure, here. You mean you're going to sacrifice your R with her to a jury of arbitrary, probably quite opinionated people..? Doesn't make sense.

 

Are you looking for reasons to end it..? Then end it. Looking for reasons to carry on..? Then carry on.

 

[Having a ffs LS day!]

[OzGirl]

Sami - I agree... but a step behind the decision of ending or staying, and that is validating his fear either way... and if that's the case, you get a thumbs up from me... your fear is valid, but you know.... if you make a decision, sometimes sticking to it is hard, too.

 

Curious to hear more....

[whatstheword]

Because I wondered if there was something I was missing in perspective. It's just starting to creep in. I've been reading the other posts about feelings we "should" have vs. those we actually do have. I don't know if i can conjure up enough guilt, but at the same time, I believe in doing what's right and not doing things just because you can get away with them.

 

Another question I've wondered is if there are significant differences between OMs and OWs. I'm logical and analytical, and only feeling the beginnings of uncomfortable emotions. And i'm looking for perspective, not support, you know? Is this because I'm male or just a function of my personality?

 

I know there are no absolutes, but Sami, your post made me want to ask that question.

[Sami_D]

Because I wondered if there was something I was missing in perspective. It's just starting to creep in. I've been reading the other posts about feelings we "should" have vs. those we actually do have. I don't know if i can conjure up enough guilt, but at the same time, I believe in doing what's right and not doing things just because you can get away with them.

 

Another question I've wondered is if there are significant differences between OMs and OWs. I'm logical and analytical, and only feeling the beginnings of uncomfortable emotions. And i'm looking for perspective, not support, you know? Is this because I'm male or just a function of my personality?

 

I know there are no absolutes, but Sami, your post made me want to ask that question.

 

I came here looking for perspective too. And I'm pretty logical and analytical in everything (MM is far more emotional in his actions than I am, for example)..

 

If you read here you will see me arguing against trying to dispel HOPE (because I have hope, I can't help it) on my own thread, and being accused (in a nice way!) of 'forcing' someone else to feel ANGER on another thread. I don't feel you can force anything. You can't possibly conjur up guilt you don't feel. So why are you trying? What makes you feel you have to try..? Which is why I asked... what is your aim?

 

I think most OW who get out of affairs don't do so because of guilt, but because they're sick of being trampled on and disregarded, or, at best... know there's more out there. Those are the feelings that get us out of affairs... not guilt.

[whatstheword]

I came here looking for perspective too. And I'm pretty logical and analytical in everything (MM is far more emotional in his actions than I am, for example)..

 

If you read here you will see me arguing against trying to dispel HOPE (because I have hope, I can't help it) on my own thread, and being accused (in a nice way!) of 'forcing' someone else to feel ANGER on another thread. I don't feel you can force anything. You can't possibly conjur up guilt you don't feel. So why are you trying? What makes you feel you have to try..? Which is why I asked... what is your aim?

 

I think most OW who get out of affairs don't do so because of guilt, but because they're sick of being trampled on and disregarded, or, at best... know there's more out there. Those are the feelings that get us out of affairs... not guilt.

 

so love of the common good isn't going to compel anyone to quit an A? i'm only somwhat kidding. I don't know what my aim is, per se. I came here looking to define an aim. That is the nature of the "should I get out?" question.

 

Yes, I am starting to see that at some point I will grow weary of this feeling of discontent. I don't feel emotionally trampelled on, however. Not to say I won't feel that way in the future, but that's another emotion I can't conjure up. It's just not how it is, because I feel equally responsible for this situtation and therefore its consequences.

 

In fact, that's always been my stance on MM/OW or MW/OM relationships. That both parties are equally responsible and culpable.

[OzGirl]

Okay, perspective.

 

If you believe that infidelity is wrong, and you are not doing it (as you only have one partner) then from your perspective, I see you as being loyal, and therefore, I can see why there's little guilt attached.

 

I too felt this way. I wasn't cheating, I didn't have a problem with my morals. I believe in faithfulness, and that's what I was to the MM - faithful to him.

 

However, maybe you would feel guilty if you were the one cheating, and that's what's creeping in - your level of associating yourself with that situation of being a cheater? Are you promoting behaviour in someone else (not yourself) that you feel is not good enough for you - or wrong for what you would ultimately deem as a good relationship?

 

I don't think there's a lot of difference between OM and OW, other than maybe OM can continue for it being 'just sex' for longer, but that's because they're men, not because they're OM. IE, for some men, love can just be a mood, but for many women, it's life or death.

 

If you want perspective on your lack of guilt, then I can only offer the fact that I read a book called "The Moral Animal - Why we are the Way We Are" by Robert Wright. It is about 'evolutionary psychology' and whether we (humans) are supposed to be "moral" creatures and our perception of morality. It talks about infidelity, suicidal tendancies, self-deception... all sorts of (to me) strangely fascinating subjects and has helped me to learn to do things that I feel are 'right', not just because society tells me I ought to.

 

There are cases where an affair has a start, middle and end, and serves a beneficial purpose to both parties without interrupting their normal routine of life. Maybe that's the case with you. There's just not many people who would seek out a forum to post in where that's happening, but it does happen - particularly when it's a MW and OM, as it is for you.

[Sami_D]

so love of the common good isn't going to compel anyone to quit an A? i'm only somwhat kidding. I don't know what my aim is, per se. I came here looking to define an aim. That is the nature of the "should I get out?" question.

 

Yes, I am starting to see that at some point I will grow weary of this feeling of discontent. I don't feel emotionally trampelled on, however. Not to say I won't feel that way in the future, but that's another emotion I can't conjure up. It's just not how it is, because I feel equally responsible for this situtation and therefore its consequences.

 

In fact, that's always been my stance on MM/OW or MW/OM relationships. That both parties are equally responsible and culpable.

 

How can you define an aim you claim you don't have? Or do you mean you don't have it, consciously?

 

As for culpability, yes. I feel the same way, for my situation. I'm assuming you haven't been lied to by your MW about her marital status, and she hasn't made you any false promises. Because that's the kind of BS OW often have to deal with.

 

Luckily for me, I never had to listen to that kind of **** from my MM... so, like you, I feel pretty happy about my part in the affair. Pretty much as though I was equally involved in the decision-making. He never treated me badly, and I made a decision when I needed to about my own needs for the future.

 

On the other hand, I have one (out of 3, 6 months ago... how those men have left the affairs!) male friend who is still in an affair situation. He is a deep in it, lost in it, as any woman I've ever spoken to here. He really should get out of it for the sake of his own mental well-being.

 

I don't think you're worried about yourself, however, and I don't think you need to be. JMHO.

[Alexandra]

My question is, SHOULD i feel guilty? should i end it just on priniple? I've only just started to wonder that in the last 2-3 months.

 

Thank you.

 

I've read and re-read what you said ten times. I can't seem to find many words accounting as to how you feel about her and the reverse. Do you love her, care for her, are infatuated, none? Does she?

 

Which of those would factor into your decision to end things? Would any?

[lovernotafighter]

since I'm a MW with a MM I can tell you our aim and intention was not to fall in love with each other...when we first started out it was so fun and perfect ,we left our problems at the door sort of speak..and your MW I'm sure is giving you the best part of her , I'm sure the half relationship she's giving is top notch.

 

but eventually if you start to fall in love with her your going to want more than she can give and that's when it will sink in and start to hurt.

 

I say if your not in love now...you should leave before you do because it will hurt my friend,trust me.

[OzGirl]

But, if you're wondering if you are starting to get more attached, maybe on an emotional level, to this woman, then just bail out and start fresh with a single person.

 

The key here is control and whilst it's in your hands, it's easier for you to deal with. And, there's nothing to feel guilty about (I used to think that's how I felt for letting the MM down by saying I'm out) for just ending it before that matters to much to you or her.

 

I say if your not in love now...you should leave before you do because it will hurt my friend,trust me.

 

I agree. If you want perspective, then, that's different from advice. Both perspective and advice offered are from experience, and most people here would say get out before it's too hard and too late. If I was you, looking to determine an 'aim', that would be my aim. You can't lose. Stay there, you can, and probably will (you already said, if she left if would bother you). You do it before she can, and whilst it won't have a massive emotional impact. You mentioned your job. Emotional impact can make you lose your 'nerve', and in a job like yours, do you want to risk that happening? If for no other reason, I see that as a good one right there.